Wednesday, April 22, 2009


DH & I went out of town for the weekend. His band was playing at a wedding, few friends of ours were attending as guests, so I was able to tag along, had cake & wine. : )

The wedding was held in a quaint little town in the Texas Hill Country. I was able to go poke around the cute little shops while the band set up for the reception. For the past 2 years I've been carrying around a tiny picture of Sara in my wallet. I recently bought a new wallet & I didn't want to lose this picture, so it was just propped up against a larger picture frame. While in one of the shops, I came across a tiny picture frame - the perfect size for the tiny picture of Sara. Plus it has a 3-D butterfly on it. I snatched it up right away.

At another shop, the shopkeeper was wearing a T-shirt for a butterfly festival. I asked him about it. It so happened that the butterfly festival was happening that day! Earlier in the morning, 100's of butterflies were released! Sounds amazing. (By this time, most of the shops were closing up, so I didn't get to experience the festival.) Later I found a local magazine and there was an article about the butterfly festival. Families and organizations could sponsor a caterpillar/butterfly cage. When the butterflies are released, the ones that are in memory of community children who died are released first.

DH has been with this band for roughly a year now. He didn't know his bandmates until we moved here. They were introduced by mutual friends. On Saturday while I was shopping, DH was hanging out with one of his bandmates. The bandmate mentioned a trip he had taken to Hawaii and that leads DH to share our story of Hawaii and Sara and Ethan. The bandmate (who is 59) shared his story - his oldest daughter had a stillbirth. DH felt like the bandmate didn't want to talk much more about it, so he didn't pressure him - so I don't have any other details to share.

Last week I read a memoir - The Long.est Ro/ad H0me. It's by the guy who wrote "M@rley @and M.e" His parents had a stillbirth. This was in the 50's. His mother was put under, she wasn't even alert for the delivery. She thought eveything was fine. When she woke up, excited to meet her daughter, her husband had to break the news that they had lost the baby. I can not imagine.

Before losing Sara, I don't recall hearing stories or reading books where the parents had a stillbirth. Now they seem to pop up even when I'm not looking.

Friday, April 3, 2009


(I starting writing this last Friday, the days have slipped away from me.)

The past few weeks, Sara has been on my mind. I guess it started about 3 weeks ago, my sister & I went shopping. We were chatting on the drive. A song started playing. Dea.d and Blo.ated by Te.mple Pi.lots. "I am smelling like a rose that somebody gave me on my birthday death bed." Not exactly a tear-jerker. But what the hell else am I supposed to be reminded of except losing Sara?

A few days later, I got one of those surveys. This time it had a question "The last song that made you cry?" I immediately thought of " & Blo.ated" but I didn't want to explain that story, I didn't know where my answers would be forwarded on to. So I wrote "The Dance" by Garth Brooks.

Several times over the past few weeks, I would be thinking of other things and those thoughts would led me back to October 2006, back to the dr's office where it was confirmed that she was gone, back to coming home from the hospital to an empty, quiet house.

Today (4/3) I realized - it's been two and a half years since we lost Sara. TWO AND A HALF YEARS!!! Every day I think of her, I know she's gone and my life is different because she's gone. I say how much I miss her, but "miss" doesn't feel like the right word. I miss my grandparents who have all passed away, I miss old friends that I've lost contact with. I have memories of those people and those times. My only true memories of Sara are being pregnant, delivering her and then the short time we spent with her. Everything else is fantasies we made up while pregnant. I feel cheated out of so much.

When we lost Sara, we asked our friends & families donate books to libraries in Sara's memory. Several months ago, my mother-in-law gave me a couple of books to donate. I chose to donate them to the elementary school I grew up in. Two of my nephews will attend that school as well as many other relatives & the kids of old friends. It felt good to donate those books. The librarian had commented that she had noticed one of the books recently at a conference and now it was a part of her library!