tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51005290741434361992024-02-18T20:47:07.896-06:00Not What I ExpectedKristihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16561217483266425653noreply@blogger.comBlogger164125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100529074143436199.post-46483443316466919032012-05-27T20:51:00.000-05:002012-05-27T20:51:28.091-05:00More SadnessIn just over a month, i have learned of 3 families who lost babies. A high school acquaintance recently moved to Africa for a missionary trip. Their 2 y.o. had an accident and was taken to the hospital. The little boy seemed to be improving, but he died. <div>
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A friend emailed that she was sorry if she wasn't herself; her best friend's 5 month old baby died. She didn't have the autopsy results, but they believe he choked on his milk. I replied back that my heart ached for the family and if there was anything she needed, to let me know. I don't think my friend knows about Sara. We just became friends within the past year through our children's day school. I didn't want my email to become about me. "I lost a baby and I know what they are going through." I don't like to deny Sara, I just didn't think that was the right time to bring up my story.</div>
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Lastly but closest to my heart, my cousin lost her son at 23 weeks. She was in the hospital on a Thursday and the baby was still ok. I kept crocheting his blanket that evening, trying to be positive. Friday the baby was delivered and he survived for 24 hours. I was so sad for her. I know she wants a baby so badly. Dh & I went to the graveside service. I brought back s many memories. My cousin came to Sara's memorial service. Who would have guessed then that i would be attending her baby's service? After the service, I returned to work. I was so sad, I just wanted cry. Was this how our family felt when Sara died? Just completely helpless.</div>
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Knowing these stories though takes me back to the early days after losing Sara. Wondering how my life would turn out. Afraid to go out in public because there were just too many reminders. </div>Kristihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16561217483266425653noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100529074143436199.post-3486289884826825562012-04-12T18:51:00.001-05:002012-04-12T18:51:38.559-05:00Dream Come TrueHas anyone read or seen the article about the baby in Argentina? The doctors thought she was stillborn, (she WAS born 3 months early), she was taken to the morgue. Twelve hours later her parents were allowed to see her and say good-bye.<br />
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Instead they discovered that their baby was alive.<br />
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Who in DeadBabyLand hasn't fantasized that that was how their story turned out. "This is all a bad dream, my baby is fine and waiting for me."Kristihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16561217483266425653noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100529074143436199.post-38151964393676281892012-02-28T21:52:00.001-06:002012-02-28T21:52:55.356-06:00Blessings<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Know what this is? It's a baby blanket I'm crocheting for my cousin! After losing twins last summer, she's pregnant again! This time they are having only one baby. The baby is due is August, my cousin's birth month - what a wonderful gift!<br />
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I've had several thoughts running through my head, nothing earth-shattering or profound, but I've been running around after a busy 4 year old boy and that's more important lately.Kristihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16561217483266425653noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100529074143436199.post-13508990153039024482011-10-19T22:21:00.001-05:002011-10-19T22:27:40.660-05:00Five yearsIt's currently 4:34am on Oct 3rd. I'm wide awake. Ethan comes to our bed a couple of times a week. Usually I can sleep with him, tonight/this morning, he was rolling all over me. I've been lying in the guest room, trying to sleep for over an hour. It's just not happening.
Yesterday October 2nd was the 5 year anniversary of Sara's death. Five years! Five years is a long time to live with a broken heart. The weeks leading up to her days always seem to get jumbled together, I get my days confused. Of course, I plan two parties for my children roughly a week apart, some things get mixed up.<br />
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On Friday, DH & I talked with Ethan, we wanted him to understand why we release balloons to Sara, why Mommy is so sad at this time. He'll be 4 next week. I thinks he wants to understand, but death is such a huge concept, it's difficult for a liitle boy. He asked when Sara would be alive again. Breaks my heart. I think all the talk about a little girl that he couldn't see was overwhelming. On our way home from the balloon release, Ethan asked if we could stop talking about Sara. Perhaps he wanted his mommy to be happy again. He kept wiping away my tears, telling me it was ok. I told him that's it's ok to cry when you're sad.<br />
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For my birthday, I got my birthstone charm for my bracelet. It's right next to my charm of the mother and baby. Ethan says the baby is him and the birthstone is the light that always shines on us. He really makes my heart burst with happiness.<br />
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Sara's balloon release was nice. There were 13 of us there this year. My mother-in-law took flowers to her church in Sara's Memory. DH & I sent 2hibiscus plants to our church, although we didn't attend services. My mother-in-law also bought some milkweed plants, one to plant near Sara's tree and one for our house. Milkweeds attract monarch butterflies. Our little girl is so very loved. I made cupcakes with buttercream icing. I ordered some edible butterflies, so pretty.<br />
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My nephew, Ethan, and nephew watching Sara's balloon float away.<br />
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Friday 10/7 This week has turned out to be so emotional. On the 1st, some friends of DH had their daughter. They live across the country, so I know we won't be visiting them, I have been able to buy gifts for her without issues.<br />
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On the 3rd, I took a couple of butterfly cupcakes to my friend. She lost her daughter to SIDS 11/2 years ago. I haven't seen or talked to her for months. We met after she lost her daughter, I sent a card, encouraging her to call if she wanted to talk. But we only talk when I bring my shoes in to be repaired at her shop. She is pregnant again! Due at the end of December. She seems very happy and I'm happy for her.<br />
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That afternoon, I picked up Ethan from day care. His hand was swollen. It wasn't broken or sprained, must be infected. Poor baby had to have blood drawn and get 2 shots in his legs. It could have been serious if I had waited, the infection was already spreading up his arm. I was stressed. Why did this have to happen this week?<br />
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On Thursday 10/6, one of my oldest friends had her daughter. A beautiful little girl. She sent a picture and I held my breath. She delivered at the same hospital that I did. Her little girl was wrapped in a blanket, the same printed blanket that Sara was wrapped in. I am happy for my friend and her family. Just sad for my Sara. Why couldn't she have had a chance?<br />
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We had Ethan's birthday party on the 9th, I can't believe our little boy is already 4!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhyo4jN8SrCD7WZiamkrvy60bFz8U3X-8_RRErgtZnsd5fkQ-sjNI4HdrW_2dr1O0R7MCa-d2j0QAbh_fJqMeDeGSVOXW81XImjcEFkzhtaPj8mKw8XcwCD-QYYVuq0KlTc-oMEekiMA/s1600/100_0577.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="181" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhyo4jN8SrCD7WZiamkrvy60bFz8U3X-8_RRErgtZnsd5fkQ-sjNI4HdrW_2dr1O0R7MCa-d2j0QAbh_fJqMeDeGSVOXW81XImjcEFkzhtaPj8mKw8XcwCD-QYYVuq0KlTc-oMEekiMA/s200/100_0577.JPG" width="200" /></a></div>Kristihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16561217483266425653noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100529074143436199.post-88149255523805224032011-09-10T18:21:00.001-05:002011-09-10T18:21:26.774-05:00Baby showerToday I attended the first baby shower for a little girl since losing Sara. I was lookking forward to seeing friends, the guest of honor, plus a few others. At first we talked about the wildfires around our region in Texas, people we knew who evacuated or even lost their homes. I ate the yummy, beautifully decorated cake. As my friend opened presents, I was able to oh and ah over the little outfits, the soft pink blankets, etc...
When I got in my vehicle, I cried. I cried for my Sara. I can't believe it's almost been 5 years that she's been gone.
A couple of friends were talking about throwing themselves( they're not pregnant, their children are in elementary - high school) a baby shower, just to open the presents. I mentioned that I wanted to get married again just for the gifts. I thought, that might be a good idea. So many families are having a tough time now, because of the economy or now the wildfires, what if I threw a "baby shower" asking for essentials, we can open them, eat cake, drink wine and then donate the items to families in need. I would organize it in Sara's memory....but it would break my heart at the same time. But that's my life, the very thing that breaks my heart, inspires me to lift up someone else. I'll need to decide something soon. October 2nd is approaching fast, I'm already planning Ethan's 4th (!) birthday party, a day school Fall fund raiser and a family reunion.Kristihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16561217483266425653noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100529074143436199.post-64553787287747491192011-08-20T17:16:00.004-05:002011-08-20T17:31:37.783-05:00Baby giftsA good friend is pregnant with her first child, a girl. She's registered at t@rget, so I checked out the registry online. I thought to myself" I'll pick out some cute clothes for her.".
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<br />Today I went to the store & printed out the registry. When I got to the baby department, I looked over the registry. I found the onesies and gowns and caps, but nothing seemed to match the items on the registry. The descriptions or price didn't match, frustrating. I found a little pink girlie toy and the little mittens so she doesn't scratch herself. I bought some other practical things.
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<br />I finished shopping and headed out. This is the first baby gift I bought for a little girl since losing Sara. Driving home, I teared up. I was frustrated not finding the items my friend registered for, but I didn't want to keep looking or browse through other baby girl stuff. I just thought of Sara and all of her little clothes that is packed away, never worn. I couldn't buy other girly things.
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<br />I hope I can make it through the baby shower.Kristihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16561217483266425653noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100529074143436199.post-59406615656549922002011-07-18T18:09:00.005-05:002011-07-18T18:38:28.470-05:00As Time Goes By...When I was roughly two months pregnant with Sara, we went to Boston for a few days. We stopped at a bookstore near H@rv@rd and decided then and there that our baby would have a Cur!ous Ge0rge themed nursery. We bought a stuffed George there. We were able to keep the nursery simple with red and yellow bedding, a few posters. At the baby shower, we received a few toys to decorate the room. Looking back, I was glad that we were able to use the George theme for Ethan after losing Sara. I know other parents struggle with "should we use the same things for a subsequent child?". If we had chosen a pink girly theme, I would have been sad to pack it all away when we were expecting our son. All of the baby gear we choose was gender-neutral, even after we found out that we were having a girl. Her feminine clothes were the only things that we packed away. (they are still under our guest bed.). Ethan used the car seat, stroller, and diaper bag intended for his sister. He's outgrown that first car seat and stroller combo long ago. We still use the diaper bag when we travel overnight. But my little boy is growing up. At three years and nine months, my little man has decided that he has outgrown Cur!ous Ge0rge, he now wants a space bedroom. He has the inflatable planets and glow in the dark stars. Really the only thing left to do is to change out the George posters for some space posters. (and any other accessories we come across.). It's bittersweet knowing my baby is becoming a little boy. I want to encourage his love of space and science, but I might be a little sad when those monkeys finally come down. <br /><br />I started a scrapbook for Sara when I was pregnant with her. I didn't put much in it - a few pictures of me pregnant, her ultrasound pictures, pictures from the baby shower. Then we lost her. I put a picture of her in the book. I've added poems, symbolic pictures of our trips to Hawaii, balloon releases in her memory, the cakes I bake for our birthday, a picture of DH, Ethan and me at Sara's tree every year - to see how the tree and Ethan are growing. I am happy to say that there are only 3 empty pages left. It's not am end. I'll buy more pages to add to her book, to continue to remember and honor my precious daughter.Kristihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16561217483266425653noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100529074143436199.post-72118181792439987132011-06-06T22:02:00.003-05:002011-06-07T19:56:22.449-05:00More Good-byesI'm heart-broken. I found out a few hours ago that my cousin lost her twins at 16 weeks. <br /><br />Several years ago, she was married, they were not able to get pregnant. Eventually they divorced, there were other issues. She got married again a couple of years ago. They went through fertility treatments to get pregnant, resulting in twins this spring. Those babies were so loved and wanted from day one.<br /><br />I am so sad for them.<br /><br />6/7 Edited to Add: I went to buy a card today. Just being in the sympathy card section made me so aware of our losses. I picked up a few other little things. The total: $10.02 -10/02 Sara's birthdate. I started tearing up, these lost babies will always be a part of our lives.Kristihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16561217483266425653noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100529074143436199.post-5276474631995751552011-05-27T03:39:00.004-05:002011-06-12T19:26:08.523-05:00Where I Am Right NowThis theme came at an appropriate moment for me. (I started this post back on May 26, so my time frame is not exactly correct.)<br /><br />Thursday evening, I went to my nephew's graduation from pre-K. During the ceremony, a slideshow of the class was shown. Most of these kids have attended this day care/day school since they were infants, so there were pictures of these 4 & 5 year olds at school since they were little babies, becoming toddlers and now ready to start big kid school. I started tearing up. My Sara should be turning 5 later this year. I see my nephew, her cousin growing up and it made me miss her more. ( because Sara was born in October, she wouldn't have started kindergarten this fall, but next. We're going through the same thing with Ethan. Academically, he's ready to move up to the pre-k class this fall, but he won't start kindergarten until 2013. This will also give him a chance to mature.)<br /><br />A few days ago, a friend told me about her friend who just lost her daughter and I've been emailing her, hopefully providing some support. My friend had lost her first son, we meet at a support group. I've revisited those first few days, weeks of losing Sara. The extreme pain and sadness, the fear of what my life would be.<br /><br />But four years, seven months and 25 days later, I can say, I am enjoying life again. There hasn't been a day that I haven't thought about Sara. We moved to our current house when Ethan was 6 months old, but I have momentos of Sara throughout the house, especially butterflies. <br /><br />Most of my co-workers don't know about Sara. I told 4 of them. I know they might have told others and I'm OK with that. I'm not extremely close with my co-workers, but I'll share my story when the time is right.<br /><br />I adore my son and he adores me. I love being his mommy. Because he was conceived barely four months after losing Sara and was born a year and 9 days after her death, their stories are completely intertwined. <br /><br />I'm able think about Sara or talk about her without breaking down, sometimes though, it's just too much and I need to cry for her. Somedays it still feels unreal. I was pregnant with my daughter, gave birth to her, but she's not here with us.<br /><br />DH & I planned to have one child, of course we have two. But we know we're done, no more babies for us.Kristihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16561217483266425653noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100529074143436199.post-88003759622657562652011-03-22T22:05:00.003-05:002011-04-09T23:09:44.941-05:00BabiesSo many babies have been aanounced recently in my life: my dear friend Monica due in September, my friend & former roommate is due in October, my cousin is pregnant with twins! Probably due in November, DH's college friend and his girlfriend are expecting also in October. I am happy for each of them, thinking positive thoughts.<br /><br /><br />Last year, I learned of a local couple who lost their daughter due to SIDS. I sent a card and when I visit her business, I ask how she's doing. I offer to meet for coffee, to talk, but she doesn't take me up on the offer. I knew the anniversary of her daughter's death was coming up. I couldn't remember the exact date, even checked the local paper for obituary records. I knew it was in the spring but Easter moving around threw me off. I've been needing to stop by her shop, but wanted to have time to talk with her, not just rushing in & out. So finally, I decided to stop by on my lunch hour on Friday. I had written a short note, just to let her know that I was thinking of her and her daughter. When I drove up, there was a sign on the door that she would be closed on Monday. Monday is the anniversary. She told me that she and her 4 y.o. Son will spend the day together. He misses his sister. Please think of this family as they mourn the loss of their precious daughter.<br /><br />Last summer Ethan & I went to a water park along with B, her daughter D, and my sister and her older son. Thursday morning out of the blue, Ethan said, "remember when we went swimming with D?". DH & I were surprised that he even remembered going, no idea what made him think of it.<br /><br />Later I was emailing B and mentioned Ethan's comment. She said thAt was too weird. That same morning, her daughter said, "remember when Ethan rode in the car with me?". (B had driven all of us to the water park.) Ethan & D were 2 - 2.5 y.o. At the time! I am amazed by their memories.Kristihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16561217483266425653noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100529074143436199.post-34008980544461012912011-02-25T19:58:00.007-06:002011-02-27T16:59:06.557-06:00Thoughts...A few weeks ago, we went to church. I often use church as a time to mediate/pray, I don't always focus on the sermon. So I missed the first part of our pastor's story. When he was in seminary, he spent 12 weeks as a chaplain at a hospital. The first week and the last week that he was there, he counseled families who lost an infant. He felt unprepared to help those families. He asked why? why him? His classmates didn't go through that situation. <br /><br />Now in the 20 years that he has been at our church, he has given 3 funerals for infants and 2 memorials for stillbirths. Those 2 infants from his seminary years helped prepare him for other losses.<br /><br />I started crying, I just wasn't expecting my Sara and the other babies I know to be mentioned in the sermon. I think I also cried, thinking 5 babies in 20 years doesn't sound like many. But 3 of those were in the last 4 years. One of the babies died when I was in my late teens/early 20s. The mother reached out to me after Sara died. Sadly I don't know who the fifth baby is. I haven't attended this church regularly, except for when I visited my family, since '94. I keep forgetting to ask my family about this baby.<br /><br />While I cried softly, the woman in front of me turned around and squeezed my knee, asking if I was OK. She works with my friend B, B who lost her daughter - the 2nd stillbirth. It was a very sweet gesture. <br /><br />I'm been thinking about how our blogs and the Internet in general change the way we grieve, we can grieve more publicly. I think of past generations who were encouraged to just forget the baby who died or just never speak of him or her again and to move on. Now we write about the process, those first days, weeks of raw pain to months and years later, how that baby continues to touch our lives. Recently I learn of a couple who lost their 4-month old daughter. I assume SIDS. The baby was at the babysitter's and she stopped breathing. The mother had a blog, writing about her daughter prior to her death. She has been writing now, getting 100's - 1000's of replies. I've read a few of the replies, most coming from mothers, not necessarily dead-baby mamas. I can relate to the sudden loss and trying to figure out where you fit in the world. Before the Internet, I would never have even heard of this family and their loss, now I could follow their story - are they in need of help? (it sounds like they have a good support system.)<br /><br />**Warning - tasteless comments ahead.**<br /><br />A few weeks ago, an old college friend found me on facebook. He is a stay-at-home-dad to his 2.5 y.o daughter. We talk about potty training and brief overview of what we've been doing for the last 10 years. I hadn't told him about Sara, just waiting for the right time. He mentioned that his wife worked at a children's hospital. I asked if she was a doctor. He replied back that she was a "pediatric pathologist - a cutter-upper-of-dead babies.". I was just shocked that he wrote that. He's 35, not 16, making juvenile jokes. I was offended. I think I would have been offended even if I hadn't lost Sara. <br /><br />I wrote back "please do not ever refer to your wife's job in that way again. In Oct 2006, we lost our first child, Sara was stillborn at full-term due to a cord accident. Since then I have met too many families who have lost children. I found your reference to be tasteless. She plays an important role, helping these families find answers, it's not a joke."<br /><br />I hope he feels completely awful, as he should.Kristihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16561217483266425653noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100529074143436199.post-52560081881775726762011-01-20T18:39:00.013-06:002011-01-27T13:30:54.550-06:00More aloha...The other night I was talking to a follower blogger and we agreed that some days we just have nothing write about or we have second thoughts about sharing things. But I do have something to share. Four years ago this week, DH and I went to Hawaii, an amazing trip that helped heal us. Just four months after losing our Sara, our beautiful son was conceived there. Now we are going back. By the time I actually post this, we'll either be there or be back.<br /><br />This time, it's a very different trip. Ethan is going with us as well as 3 other people - a couple who have been to Hawaii several times and a singleton who hasn't been. The 2 guys are DH's college buddies, they were groomsmen in our wedding. We'll do some of the same things again, try some new things. We are so excited.<br /><br />I will bring a picture of Sara, as I did four years ago. Hawaii always makes me think of my beautiful Sara.<br /><br />1/24. We're in Hawaii. : ). I was looking through a cabinet full of games, puzzles and books and found a book I left here. Four years ago, late in my pregnancy, I started reading "Little Earthquakes" by Jennifer Weiner. It's about a woman who lost a child due to SIDS, she ran away from her husband, and ended up befriending a group of women each dealing with issues relating to motherhood and/or trying to have it all, etc... I was enjoying it until Sara died. I bought it along to Hawaii and left it here after reading it. Just seeing the cover, brought me back to our first trip, I could see myself laying in bed, reading the book and crying, thinking about my Sara. I'm tempted to bring it back with me, but probably won't.<br /><br />Soon after finding the book, I told DH about it, how it brought those raw emotions. A few minutes after that, a huge butterfly flew by. I know Sara, you are always with us, everywhere.Kristihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16561217483266425653noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100529074143436199.post-38284916067934327062010-12-01T17:40:00.007-06:002010-12-02T11:38:23.943-06:00Christ.m@s c@rdsMost of us probably chose cards that represent us at that moment. Do we want a traditional image? comical? A photo of the family? Since losing Sara, I am more aware of my recipients. What are they feeling this holiday season? <br /><br />The first Christmas after losing Sara, I choose a serene angel with a simple quote inside. I don't have any left, but I remember thinking that they were appropriate coming from grieving parents. The following year, I made cards. The cover said "JOY" with Ethan's picture in the "O". Since then, I have used pictures of Ethan for our cards. <br /><br />I try to send a different card to friends and family members who may be hurting during the holidays. My best friend lost her step-father at the end of September. I wanted to send a Thanksgiving card but couldn't find one with an appropriate sentiment. So I ended up sending a Thinking of You card. Last year I wanted to send a few Christmas cards to families who had a loss during the year. I went to the local H@llm@rk store and looked over the individual cards. Everything was cheerful, not appropriate. Even the blank cards didn't have appropriate images. I found at least 3 cards appropriate for a niece and her significant other, nothing that seemed appropriate to send a loved one who was hurting at Christmas, struggling with being a part of Christmas, but don't want to be overlooked either. <br /><br />I finally found a small 6 pack of cards with an angel and a lamb. The sentiment wasn't exactly what I was looking for, but close enough. I hope other stores carry appropriate cards, maybe just my location didn't carry a good selection. I'll be ending over to the card shop in a few days, hoping I can find a card that fits the situation.Kristihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16561217483266425653noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100529074143436199.post-52873706413347827792010-11-22T19:35:00.002-06:002010-11-22T19:51:40.814-06:00For the last 4 Christmases, I have decorated a small Christmas tree in Sara's memory. I mailed cards to close family and friends, asking for an ornament that represents Sara's spirit. We received various angels, hearts, butterflies, even a snowflake (because snowflakes last only a moment, but touch your soul forever). <br /><br />Saturday night, we brought down the tree and ornaments. I let Ethan help me with the less fragile ones. I explained that this was for our angel Sara. I showed him an ornament with her name on it. I showed him how to spell her name S-A-R-A, Sara. He started singing, "Sara, Sara, Sara." I started to cry. DH was very touched hearing Ethan singing her name.<br /><br />I told him that Sara is his big sister, but he's too young to understand. But I'm glad to be laying the foundation for him to understand as he gets older.Kristihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16561217483266425653noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100529074143436199.post-64324629773814201652010-10-14T10:07:00.004-05:002010-10-14T10:16:36.840-05:00October Babies Rock!!About 6 months after losing Sara, (Feb. 2007 I believe) an former co-worker contacted me. Her sister had just lost her son around 24-25 weeks. The family was devastated. I gave her a list of books that had been recommended to me as well as the information for the support groups that I was attending. I've kept in touch with them, checking in with how they were doing. On Oct.11 (Ethan's birthday also), their daughter was born!<br /><br />Soon after we moved to our current house(April or May 2008), I learned of a couple who lost their daughter, she was stillborn at full-term. My friend B & I didn't know her, but we had contacts, friends of friends. She was living about 2 hours away, but her mother still lived in my area. When she was visiting her family one time, B & I went out to dinner with her. We've stayed in touch with her and she & her husband recently moved back. Their son was born Oct 13!<br /><br />I am so excited for both of these families. October babies are very special!Kristihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16561217483266425653noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100529074143436199.post-54209576641681723572010-10-05T15:02:00.005-05:002010-10-05T21:41:16.992-05:00Bad Day Gone GoodThe weather has been beautiful here lately, so I went for a walk at lunch. Afterwards I microwaved a cup of soup and went to the restroom while it was heating up. When I came back, the soup had tipped over and spilled in the microwave. I cleaned it up and decided to go out and grab some fast food. I got in my car and it wouldn't start. (I'm hoping it's just a dead battery.) I walked over to the snack bar on campus to get some food. I left a message for DH to come check out the situation before the end of the work day. <br /><br />While walking back to my office, I wonder why these bad things happened to me. Was it because I refused to take the Jehovah's Witness's literature at the gas station yesterday? Then I realized, the soup spilling was a minor inconvenience and at least I found out about the car trouble early enough and it's at a safe place. <br /><br />Soon after I got back to my desk and started eating, a co-worker told me that a student needed my help. I see maybe one student a week. (I usually talk to them on the phone.) She had a question about her transcript. So I asked her to come back to my desk to check it out. Her name? Sarah Elizabeth.<br /><br />My Sara is looking out for me. She helps me keep things in perspective.Kristihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16561217483266425653noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100529074143436199.post-37085416714777403572010-09-30T15:18:00.007-05:002010-10-05T10:05:35.814-05:00Joy of my Heart<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjufSgljqBl5r1dXhAu3g57averOxZZn15pOTMQHC8VIo4dJJLm6S1a8t8Xk2fvYQ0SIrQkgZRkv6iEGts6DS1OH-v2T9VQpUQmcg1d109V5RCtoCUu5GC3Nxb4aOHLUmpjdpR1cA-QRw/s1600/scan0002.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 144px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjufSgljqBl5r1dXhAu3g57averOxZZn15pOTMQHC8VIo4dJJLm6S1a8t8Xk2fvYQ0SIrQkgZRkv6iEGts6DS1OH-v2T9VQpUQmcg1d109V5RCtoCUu5GC3Nxb4aOHLUmpjdpR1cA-QRw/s200/scan0002.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5523630965155978514" /></a><br /> A few weeks ago, I got this <a href="http://secure.jamesavery.com/jewelry/search/product/CM-1934/Joy-of-my-Heart-Charm/">charm</a> for my birthday. In October 2006, 'joy' was not a part of my vocabulary. In October 2007, I had joy again, my beautiful son Ethan was born. He brings me joy everyday. <br /><br />When I first started the charm bracelet right after Sara died, I said that I would only get charms that reminded me of her. At that point, I had no clue that I would have another child so soon after Sara's death. I was so overwhelmed with emotion, she was all I could think of. But I wouldn't have Ethan if Sara had lived, their stories are intertwined, so the charm bracelet became more about motherhood, my version of motherhood. I honor both of my children with it.Kristihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16561217483266425653noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100529074143436199.post-77678916471094880272010-09-15T18:28:00.002-05:002010-09-17T13:19:00.840-05:00Peace of mind for $25Friday evening DH & Ethan were playing around. DH said, "Look at his neck.". I thought maybe I didn't wash his neck very well and he still had a dirt necklace. No, Dh thought Ethan's neck, specifically his lymph node, looked swollen. Of course, I g00gled it. Cancer was mentioned. My heart sank. It was also suggested to see a doctor if the lymph node was swollen for 2 weeks. Two weeks seemed like a long time. Monday night Ethan didn't sleep very well, he insisted that I sleep with him. I was feeling so anxious on Tuesday, I could feel myself tearing up throughout the morning. <br /><br />I was able to talk with my 2 direct managers, told them that Sara's day is coming up soon and I get anxious around this time, and I'm worrying about Ethan, and that Sara and I share a birthday. They were very understanding, said I could take time off if I needed it or just take breaks when I need a few minutes alone. <br /><br />Just telling them made me feel better. Later I made a doctor a ppt. For Ethan.<br /><br />Wednesday we went in. The doctor said that he wasn't concerned because it was small and only one that was swollen. If it were larger and/or there were multiple swollen lymph node around his body, he'd be concerned. We talked about Ethan's overall health - potty training, adjusting to a new classroom, etc..., he was able to set my mind at ease. At least I know what to look for now, not just incomplete information from an Internet search. <br /><br />I paid my $25 co-pay and went home to enjoy my beautiful son.Kristihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16561217483266425653noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100529074143436199.post-22856693907532165192010-08-24T21:30:00.003-05:002010-08-25T21:23:55.309-05:00BirthdaysLast week was my co-worker's birthday. Our typical birthday celebration at work is for everyone to bring in snacks and desserts and we graze through the day. Other co-workers from other departments stop by to wish the birthday girl all the best. That's the part that makes me sad. As I sat near Kelly and heard people joke with her (Sweet 16? You don't look a day over 21! And the like...), I didn't think I could just grin while others good-naturally tease me. That day I imagined how I would react and the tears started welling up.<br /><br />I also work with a woman Shannon. Her son and his girlfriend are pregnant. I've tried to ignore her discussions/family drama surrounding this pregnancy. The couple got married last week, they told Shannon, but didn't invite her to the courthouse ceremony. Shannon has been paying several hundred dollars a month for this couple's apartment and bills. Last night the girlfriend/new wife's water broke. They went to the hospital and Shannon joined them. She was not invited into the private room, although the couples' friends were. She was pissed. Understandably! The baby was delivered around lunchtime today. Shannon didn't leave work early to meet her first grandchild. Thoughout the day, I had to hear about this family drama, other women shared their delivery stories. I kept to myself for the most part. I was polite and asked the baby's name and congratulated her. But I was emotional all day. I couldn't wait to get home and shed a few tears.<br /><br />I feel myself becoming more anxious, honoring Sara as her day approaches and how will I respond to working the days leading up to her day.Kristihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16561217483266425653noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100529074143436199.post-30229854437157772382010-08-07T19:51:00.003-05:002010-08-07T20:29:58.553-05:00Grief groupsI recently discovered that our local hospice offers a "Loss of a Child" grief group. This past Monday I went for the first time. I was looking forward to it. Twisted,uh? The meeting was held in the evening after regular business hours. When I pulled into the parking lot, I noticed a few older people. I thought "maybe there is another group or meeting tonight too.". When I got inside, I didn't see any young couples, it was just older couples. I asked one of the men if this was the Loss of an Infant group. He said it was the Loss of a Child, for any parents. <br /><br />Right away I recognized the parents of an high school classmate who died in an accident in March. I said hello to them, the mother said that she was glad I spoke to them, to remember their son T. There was another couple there, I think I recognized her as my 9th English teacher. She transferred to a different high school after my freshman year, so I haven't seen her since the early 1990's. I didn't talk with her directly, I'm not sure if she recognized me either.<br /><br />There were 5 couples, me and the group leader. (My husband stayed at home with Ethan.). We went around the room, everyone sharing a brief history of their child. They all lost adult children, 20 - 35 year olds. I felt alone as the only one with a stillbirth. They all shared stories of their children, I don't have any to share. When it was my turn to share my loss, I cried. I've been feeling OK lately, so I was surprised to be crying like that. Maybe it was because I haven't shared my story with many strangers lately, maybe it was just being back at a grief group after a 2 year break. <br /><br />We watched a video based on the book "Tear Soup". It was about grieving in general, not just the loss of a child. I think it made us feel better about the grieving process, that we will each do it differently, different lengths of time. <br /><br />I'm not sure if I want to go back next month. These people are old enough to be my parents, or at least my aunt & uncle. They have experienced a loss of a child, so we can relate there, but they all watched their children grow up - first dates, high school graduation, college, careers, for some - weddings and grandchildren. I've considered sending a note to T's mother, explaining why I wasn't comfortable with this group, but that she & I could get together to chat if she'd like.<br /><br />Any thoughts?Kristihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16561217483266425653noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100529074143436199.post-9198192150915769162010-07-27T20:13:00.005-05:002010-07-29T19:35:26.782-05:00Thoughts...Just a few things that have been rolling around in my mind....<br /><br />In June, my nephew turned 4 years old. Littlest J is 3.5 months older than Sara would be. Littlest J & Ethan attend the same day school, although they are in different classes. On this particular Friday, I was dropping off Ethan while my sister was dropping off Littlest J. He was carrying a carrier full of cupcakes for his class. He was so excited about his birthday. I gave him a birthday hug and said that he was getting so big. When I got back to my car, I started crying. Littlest J is my gauge, what milestones would Sara be hitting? How tall would she be?<br /><br /><br />I work in the admissions office at our local community college. I see a lot of documents. I come across quite a few "Sara(h) Elizabeth"'s. It makes me sad, knowing my Sara will never attend college, never grow up.<br /><br />When Sara died, we asked if we could donate her organs. We were told it was too late. Since Ethan was born, I try to donate blood when I can. It's my way to make a difference, to save a life when I couldn't before.<br /><br />Monday our local hospice is having an infant loss support group. I plan to attend. I haven't been to a support group for 2 years, I miss it.<br /><br />I haven't written much about Ethan lately. I feel like he is such a blessing. He was kind and considerate and funny. Of course he's two, so tantrums are standard. But I feel like I have more patience with him after losing Sara.Kristihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16561217483266425653noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100529074143436199.post-1623625379543080062010-07-07T20:34:00.004-05:002010-07-07T20:45:04.453-05:00More lossesI didn't see a reference to this recent loss..<br /><br />Within few months, a local couple lost their daughter to SIDS. I didn't know them, but they have a shoe repair shop - I've taken a couple of pairs of shoes there since we moved here. I sent the couple a card, telling them how our support group helped us & that the local hospice offers an infant loss group (which I should go to) and the basically that we were here for them, including our phone number.<br /><br />Over the weekend, I broke the heel on a pair of shoes. I knew I would take it in to be repaired, but I didn't know if I would say anything to her.<br /><br />I stopped by Tuesday on my lunch break. The wife was alone. She asked me to write my name and number on the tag. I wrote my first name and the first 3 letters of my last, she said, "You sent me the card!" I was surprised the she put it together so quickly. I asked how she was doing, she started to tear up. I squeezed her hand, "It's still so fresh, it's hard." She said that it was hard when she was alone with her thoughts at work. I told her to call me whenever she wanted to talk. Another customer came in & I had to get back to work. ( We work a 4 day/36 hour week during the summer; 30 minute lunches.)<br /><br />My shoes should be ready tomorrow. I hope to talk with her more or at least make plans to talk at a later time.Kristihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16561217483266425653noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100529074143436199.post-82069181939174242502010-07-01T10:42:00.003-05:002010-07-01T11:25:03.719-05:00sharing storiesA little background information...My husband is in a band. Recently the singer in the band mentioned that he had a brother who died & that he would visit the grave before going to rodeos. That was all Dh knew- not how old the brother was, when this happened, nothing. The singer had written a song inspired by his brother.<br /><br />On Tuesday of this week, I was having lunch at work. A co-worker came in the break room. We usually don't eat at the same time, she was just hungy early that day. We were chatting and I mentioned my husband's band, namely the lead singer. She knew his family (gotta love small towns.). She said that his parents lost a baby in the same manner that they did - Anencephaly where babies are born without brains. it was an amazing coincidence - such a rare condition to happen in a small community twice. My coworker never found out why it happened to her baby. I shared our story about Sara.<br /><br />That night I told DH what I had learned at lunch. He thinks that there was an brother who died when he was older, based on the song lyrics. He doesn't know how to bring it up to the singer tactfully.Kristihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16561217483266425653noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100529074143436199.post-65079686312744577152010-05-08T09:46:00.002-05:002010-05-08T09:49:17.510-05:00Mother's DayIt's been a busy week around here - my class is finally over. <br /><br />Thinking of all the mothers - no matter if your babies are in your arms or in your heart and memories. Take care of yourselves.Kristihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16561217483266425653noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5100529074143436199.post-6063340182514381552010-03-30T19:14:00.003-05:002010-04-01T19:41:24.563-05:00Springtime<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtQc3E_8XmuhkNrIeDIzs7nz0kvOFm0bZ4nkzJhZjO_PMrKEZcbu9nYyo8cjaAVp6-3CTmKW6ivStZr11Jt47vbCXpIX4aeItznDVgC7HBQBERaeDqIGXFQUhEV-R97XMN7hG8VoDbHQ/s1600/100_0610.JPG"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 150px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtQc3E_8XmuhkNrIeDIzs7nz0kvOFm0bZ4nkzJhZjO_PMrKEZcbu9nYyo8cjaAVp6-3CTmKW6ivStZr11Jt47vbCXpIX4aeItznDVgC7HBQBERaeDqIGXFQUhEV-R97XMN7hG8VoDbHQ/s200/100_0610.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5454584892236102322" /></a><br /><br />Spring brings new change and our lives are changing - it's good stuff. I got a full-time job. I've been teaching part-time at the local community college. But I haven't been very happy with it. My new job is in the admissions office of the college. I'll finish teaching (it's just one afternoon a week)this semester, but that's it.<br /><br />So far, I'm enjoying the job, just learning all of the systems. My co-workers are nice. There are perks - 4 day work weeks during the summer, school holidays plus vacations.<br /><br />On my first day, I met with my 2 direct supervisors. We talked about my responsibilities, upcoming projects & events, etc...They mentioned that they like to keep it light & fun in the office. They said for birthdays they'll have small parties - cake, snacks. They asked when was my birthday. Uh oh. I've only worked part-time since Sara died and have been able to avoid working on our birthday. I told them "October 2" but I got choked up. I told them that I didn't like to celebrate my birthday. I'm sure they thought that was odd. I was able to say "My daughter died on my birthday." They didn't ask any questions. I was OK with that.<br /><br />So far I haven't said anything to my other co-workers about Sara. This year my birthday falls on a Saturday. So I'll have the actual day off. Maybe I'll tell them about her at our Monday morning meeting the week before. I'll just see how I'm feeling at that time.<br /><br />Ethan has started going to day care full-time now & adjusted well. We've been happy with the current school, but we really liked another church day school in town. They didn't offer a part-time plan so it wasn't available before. Now that we need full-time care, we looked into switching. Thankfully they had an opening for Ethan's age group. It's a newer building, bigger playground, lots of activities. Ethan's cousin attends this day school, they'll see each on the playground. They also served a hot lunch. I've been packing lunch for Ethan. When I was working part-time it wasn't such a big deal. But now since I'm full-time, I'd prefer to spend time with Ethan & DH rather than finding to a decent meal to pack. <br /><br />One of the local attraction is an antique carousel. It's only open for special events or if it's rented for private parties. It was open during spring Break. Ethan & I had a picnic at the park with my sister & her 2 sons and then the boys rode the carousel.Kristihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16561217483266425653noreply@blogger.com5