Not What I Expected

Five years

2011-10-19T22:21:00.001-05:00

It's currently 4:34am on Oct 3rd. I'm wide awake. Ethan comes to our bed a couple of times a week. Usually I can sleep with him, tonight/this morning, he was rolling all over me. I've been lying in the guest room, trying to sleep for over an hour. It's just not happening.Yesterday October 2nd was the 5 year anniversary of Sara's death. Five years! Five years is a long time to live with a broken heart. The weeks leading up to her days always seem to get jumbled together, I get my days confused. Of course, I plan two parties for my children roughly a week apart, some things get mixed up.

On Friday, DH & I talked with Ethan, we wanted him to understand why we release balloons to Sara, why Mommy is so sad at this time. He'll be 4 next week. I thinks he wants to understand, but death is such a huge concept, it's difficult for a liitle boy. He asked when Sara would be alive again. Breaks my heart. I think all the talk about a little girl that he couldn't see was overwhelming. On our way home from the balloon release, Ethan asked if we could stop talking about Sara. Perhaps he wanted his mommy to be happy again. He kept wiping away my tears, telling me it was ok. I told him that's it's ok to cry when you're sad.

For my birthday, I got my birthstone charm for my bracelet. It's right next to my charm of the mother and baby. Ethan says the baby is him and the birthstone is the light that always shines on us. He really makes my heart burst with happiness.

Sara's balloon release was nice. There were 13 of us there this year. My mother-in-law took flowers to her church in Sara's Memory. DH & I sent 2hibiscus plants to our church, although we didn't attend services. My mother-in-law also bought some milkweed plants, one to plant near Sara's tree and one for our house. Milkweeds attract monarch butterflies. Our little girl is so very loved. I made cupcakes with buttercream icing. I ordered some edible butterflies, so pretty.

My nephew, Ethan, and nephew watching Sara's balloon float away.

Friday 10/7 This week has turned out to be so emotional. On the 1st, some friends of DH had their daughter. They live across the country, so I know we won't be visiting them, I have been able to buy gifts for her without issues.

On the 3rd, I took a couple of butterfly cupcakes to my friend. She lost her daughter to SIDS 11/2 years ago. I haven't seen or talked to her for months. We met after she lost her daughter, I sent a card, encouraging her to call if she wanted to talk. But we only talk when I bring my shoes in to be repaired at her shop. She is pregnant again! Due at the end of December. She seems very happy and I'm happy for her.

That afternoon, I picked up Ethan from day care. His hand was swollen. It wasn't broken or sprained, must be infected. Poor baby had to have blood drawn and get 2 shots in his legs. It could have been serious if I had waited, the infection was already spreading up his arm. I was stressed. Why did this have to happen this week?

On Thursday 10/6, one of my oldest friends had her daughter. A beautiful little girl. She sent a picture and I held my breath. She delivered at the same hospital that I did. Her little girl was wrapped in a blanket, the same printed blanket that Sara was wrapped in. I am happy for my friend and her family. Just sad for my Sara. Why couldn't she have had a chance?

We had Ethan's birthday party on the 9th, I can't believe our little boy is already 4!

Baby shower

2011-09-10T18:21:00.001-05:00

Today I attended the first baby shower for a little girl since losing Sara. I was lookking forward to seeing friends, the guest of honor, plus a few others. At first we talked about the wildfires around our region in Texas, people we knew who evacuated or even lost their homes. I ate the yummy, beautifully decorated cake. As my friend opened presents, I was able to oh and ah over the little outfits, the soft pink blankets, etc...When I got in my vehicle, I cried. I cried for my Sara. I can't believe it's almost been 5 years that she's been gone.A couple of friends were talking about throwing themselves( they're not pregnant, their children are in elementary - high school) a baby shower, just to open the presents. I mentioned that I wanted to get married again just for the gifts. I thought, that might be a good idea. So many families are having a tough time now, because of the economy or now the wildfires, what if I threw a "baby shower" asking for essentials, we can open them, eat cake, drink wine and then donate the items to families in need. I would organize it in Sara's memory....but it would break my heart at the same time. But that's my life, the very thing that breaks my heart, inspires me to lift up someone else. I'll need to decide something soon. October 2nd is approaching fast, I'm already planning Ethan's 4th (!) birthday party, a day school Fall fund raiser and a family reunion.

Baby gifts

2011-08-20T17:16:00.004-05:00

A good friend is pregnant with her first child, a girl. She's registered at t@rget, so I checked out the registry online. I thought to myself" I'll pick out some cute clothes for her.".

Today I went to the store & printed out the registry. When I got to the baby department, I looked over the registry. I found the onesies and gowns and caps, but nothing seemed to match the items on the registry. The descriptions or price didn't match, frustrating. I found a little pink girlie toy and the little mittens so she doesn't scratch herself. I bought some other practical things.

I finished shopping and headed out. This is the first baby gift I bought for a little girl since losing Sara. Driving home, I teared up. I was frustrated not finding the items my friend registered for, but I didn't want to keep looking or browse through other baby girl stuff. I just thought of Sara and all of her little clothes that is packed away, never worn. I couldn't buy other girly things.

I hope I can make it through the baby shower.

As Time Goes By...

2011-07-18T18:09:00.005-05:00

When I was roughly two months pregnant with Sara, we went to Boston for a few days. We stopped at a bookstore near H@rv@rd and decided then and there that our baby would have a Cur!ous Ge0rge themed nursery. We bought a stuffed George there. We were able to keep the nursery simple with red and yellow bedding, a few posters. At the baby shower, we received a few toys to decorate the room. Looking back, I was glad that we were able to use the George theme for Ethan after losing Sara. I know other parents struggle with "should we use the same things for a subsequent child?". If we had chosen a pink girly theme, I would have been sad to pack it all away when we were expecting our son. All of the baby gear we choose was gender-neutral, even after we found out that we were having a girl. Her feminine clothes were the only things that we packed away. (they are still under our guest bed.). Ethan used the car seat, stroller, and diaper bag intended for his sister. He's outgrown that first car seat and stroller combo long ago. We still use the diaper bag when we travel overnight. But my little boy is growing up. At three years and nine months, my little man has decided that he has outgrown Cur!ous Ge0rge, he now wants a space bedroom. He has the inflatable planets and glow in the dark stars. Really the only thing left to do is to change out the George posters for some space posters. (and any other accessories we come across.). It's bittersweet knowing my baby is becoming a little boy. I want to encourage his love of space and science, but I might be a little sad when those monkeys finally come down.

I started a scrapbook for Sara when I was pregnant with her. I didn't put much in it - a few pictures of me pregnant, her ultrasound pictures, pictures from the baby shower. Then we lost her. I put a picture of her in the book. I've added poems, symbolic pictures of our trips to Hawaii, balloon releases in her memory, the cakes I bake for our birthday, a picture of DH, Ethan and me at Sara's tree every year - to see how the tree and Ethan are growing. I am happy to say that there are only 3 empty pages left. It's not am end. I'll buy more pages to add to her book, to continue to remember and honor my precious daughter.

More Good-byes

2011-06-06T22:02:00.003-05:00

I'm heart-broken. I found out a few hours ago that my cousin lost her twins at 16 weeks.

Several years ago, she was married, they were not able to get pregnant. Eventually they divorced, there were other issues. She got married again a couple of years ago. They went through fertility treatments to get pregnant, resulting in twins this spring. Those babies were so loved and wanted from day one.

I am so sad for them.

6/7 Edited to Add: I went to buy a card today. Just being in the sympathy card section made me so aware of our losses. I picked up a few other little things. The total: $10.02 -10/02 Sara's birthdate. I started tearing up, these lost babies will always be a part of our lives.

Where I Am Right Now

2011-05-27T03:39:00.004-05:00

This theme came at an appropriate moment for me. (I started this post back on May 26, so my time frame is not exactly correct.)

Thursday evening, I went to my nephew's graduation from pre-K. During the ceremony, a slideshow of the class was shown. Most of these kids have attended this day care/day school since they were infants, so there were pictures of these 4 & 5 year olds at school since they were little babies, becoming toddlers and now ready to start big kid school. I started tearing up. My Sara should be turning 5 later this year. I see my nephew, her cousin growing up and it made me miss her more. ( because Sara was born in October, she wouldn't have started kindergarten this fall, but next. We're going through the same thing with Ethan. Academically, he's ready to move up to the pre-k class this fall, but he won't start kindergarten until 2013. This will also give him a chance to mature.)

A few days ago, a friend told me about her friend who just lost her daughter and I've been emailing her, hopefully providing some support. My friend had lost her first son, we meet at a support group. I've revisited those first few days, weeks of losing Sara. The extreme pain and sadness, the fear of what my life would be.

But four years, seven months and 25 days later, I can say, I am enjoying life again. There hasn't been a day that I haven't thought about Sara. We moved to our current house when Ethan was 6 months old, but I have momentos of Sara throughout the house, especially butterflies.

Most of my co-workers don't know about Sara. I told 4 of them. I know they might have told others and I'm OK with that. I'm not extremely close with my co-workers, but I'll share my story when the time is right.

I adore my son and he adores me. I love being his mommy. Because he was conceived barely four months after losing Sara and was born a year and 9 days after her death, their stories are completely intertwined.

I'm able think about Sara or talk about her without breaking down, sometimes though, it's just too much and I need to cry for her. Somedays it still feels unreal. I was pregnant with my daughter, gave birth to her, but she's not here with us.

DH & I planned to have one child, of course we have two. But we know we're done, no more babies for us.

Babies

2011-03-22T22:05:00.003-05:00

So many babies have been aanounced recently in my life: my dear friend Monica due in September, my friend & former roommate is due in October, my cousin is pregnant with twins! Probably due in November, DH's college friend and his girlfriend are expecting also in October. I am happy for each of them, thinking positive thoughts.

Last year, I learned of a local couple who lost their daughter due to SIDS. I sent a card and when I visit her business, I ask how she's doing. I offer to meet for coffee, to talk, but she doesn't take me up on the offer. I knew the anniversary of her daughter's death was coming up. I couldn't remember the exact date, even checked the local paper for obituary records. I knew it was in the spring but Easter moving around threw me off. I've been needing to stop by her shop, but wanted to have time to talk with her, not just rushing in & out. So finally, I decided to stop by on my lunch hour on Friday. I had written a short note, just to let her know that I was thinking of her and her daughter. When I drove up, there was a sign on the door that she would be closed on Monday. Monday is the anniversary. She told me that she and her 4 y.o. Son will spend the day together. He misses his sister. Please think of this family as they mourn the loss of their precious daughter.

Last summer Ethan & I went to a water park along with B, her daughter D, and my sister and her older son. Thursday morning out of the blue, Ethan said, "remember when we went swimming with D?". DH & I were surprised that he even remembered going, no idea what made him think of it.

Later I was emailing B and mentioned Ethan's comment. She said thAt was too weird. That same morning, her daughter said, "remember when Ethan rode in the car with me?". (B had driven all of us to the water park.) Ethan & D were 2 - 2.5 y.o. At the time! I am amazed by their memories.

Thoughts...

2011-02-25T19:58:00.007-06:00

A few weeks ago, we went to church. I often use church as a time to mediate/pray, I don't always focus on the sermon. So I missed the first part of our pastor's story. When he was in seminary, he spent 12 weeks as a chaplain at a hospital. The first week and the last week that he was there, he counseled families who lost an infant. He felt unprepared to help those families. He asked why? why him? His classmates didn't go through that situation.

Now in the 20 years that he has been at our church, he has given 3 funerals for infants and 2 memorials for stillbirths. Those 2 infants from his seminary years helped prepare him for other losses.

I started crying, I just wasn't expecting my Sara and the other babies I know to be mentioned in the sermon. I think I also cried, thinking 5 babies in 20 years doesn't sound like many. But 3 of those were in the last 4 years. One of the babies died when I was in my late teens/early 20s. The mother reached out to me after Sara died. Sadly I don't know who the fifth baby is. I haven't attended this church regularly, except for when I visited my family, since '94. I keep forgetting to ask my family about this baby.

While I cried softly, the woman in front of me turned around and squeezed my knee, asking if I was OK. She works with my friend B, B who lost her daughter - the 2nd stillbirth. It was a very sweet gesture.

I'm been thinking about how our blogs and the Internet in general change the way we grieve, we can grieve more publicly. I think of past generations who were encouraged to just forget the baby who died or just never speak of him or her again and to move on. Now we write about the process, those first days, weeks of raw pain to months and years later, how that baby continues to touch our lives. Recently I learn of a couple who lost their 4-month old daughter. I assume SIDS. The baby was at the babysitter's and she stopped breathing. The mother had a blog, writing about her daughter prior to her death. She has been writing now, getting 100's - 1000's of replies. I've read a few of the replies, most coming from mothers, not necessarily dead-baby mamas. I can relate to the sudden loss and trying to figure out where you fit in the world. Before the Internet, I would never have even heard of this family and their loss, now I could follow their story - are they in need of help? (it sounds like they have a good support system.)

**Warning - tasteless comments ahead.**

A few weeks ago, an old college friend found me on facebook. He is a stay-at-home-dad to his 2.5 y.o daughter. We talk about potty training and brief overview of what we've been doing for the last 10 years. I hadn't told him about Sara, just waiting for the right time. He mentioned that his wife worked at a children's hospital. I asked if she was a doctor. He replied back that she was a "pediatric pathologist - a cutter-upper-of-dead babies.". I was just shocked that he wrote that. He's 35, not 16, making juvenile jokes. I was offended. I think I would have been offended even if I hadn't lost Sara.

I wrote back "please do not ever refer to your wife's job in that way again. In Oct 2006, we lost our first child, Sara was stillborn at full-term due to a cord accident. Since then I have met too many families who have lost children. I found your reference to be tasteless. She plays an important role, helping these families find answers, it's not a joke."

I hope he feels completely awful, as he should.

More aloha...

2011-01-20T18:39:00.013-06:00

The other night I was talking to a follower blogger and we agreed that some days we just have nothing write about or we have second thoughts about sharing things. But I do have something to share. Four years ago this week, DH and I went to Hawaii, an amazing trip that helped heal us. Just four months after losing our Sara, our beautiful son was conceived there. Now we are going back. By the time I actually post this, we'll either be there or be back.

This time, it's a very different trip. Ethan is going with us as well as 3 other people - a couple who have been to Hawaii several times and a singleton who hasn't been. The 2 guys are DH's college buddies, they were groomsmen in our wedding. We'll do some of the same things again, try some new things. We are so excited.

I will bring a picture of Sara, as I did four years ago. Hawaii always makes me think of my beautiful Sara.

1/24. We're in Hawaii. : ). I was looking through a cabinet full of games, puzzles and books and found a book I left here. Four years ago, late in my pregnancy, I started reading "Little Earthquakes" by Jennifer Weiner. It's about a woman who lost a child due to SIDS, she ran away from her husband, and ended up befriending a group of women each dealing with issues relating to motherhood and/or trying to have it all, etc... I was enjoying it until Sara died. I bought it along to Hawaii and left it here after reading it. Just seeing the cover, brought me back to our first trip, I could see myself laying in bed, reading the book and crying, thinking about my Sara. I'm tempted to bring it back with me, but probably won't.

Soon after finding the book, I told DH about it, how it brought those raw emotions. A few minutes after that, a huge butterfly flew by. I know Sara, you are always with us, everywhere.

Christ.m@s c@rds

2010-12-01T17:40:00.007-06:00

Most of us probably chose cards that represent us at that moment. Do we want a traditional image? comical? A photo of the family? Since losing Sara, I am more aware of my recipients. What are they feeling this holiday season?

The first Christmas after losing Sara, I choose a serene angel with a simple quote inside. I don't have any left, but I remember thinking that they were appropriate coming from grieving parents. The following year, I made cards. The cover said "JOY" with Ethan's picture in the "O". Since then, I have used pictures of Ethan for our cards.

I try to send a different card to friends and family members who may be hurting during the holidays. My best friend lost her step-father at the end of September. I wanted to send a Thanksgiving card but couldn't find one with an appropriate sentiment. So I ended up sending a Thinking of You card. Last year I wanted to send a few Christmas cards to families who had a loss during the year. I went to the local H@llm@rk store and looked over the individual cards. Everything was cheerful, not appropriate. Even the blank cards didn't have appropriate images. I found at least 3 cards appropriate for a niece and her significant other, nothing that seemed appropriate to send a loved one who was hurting at Christmas, struggling with being a part of Christmas, but don't want to be overlooked either.

I finally found a small 6 pack of cards with an angel and a lamb. The sentiment wasn't exactly what I was looking for, but close enough. I hope other stores carry appropriate cards, maybe just my location didn't carry a good selection. I'll be ending over to the card shop in a few days, hoping I can find a card that fits the situation.

2010-11-22T19:35:00.002-06:00

For the last 4 Christmases, I have decorated a small Christmas tree in Sara's memory. I mailed cards to close family and friends, asking for an ornament that represents Sara's spirit. We received various angels, hearts, butterflies, even a snowflake (because snowflakes last only a moment, but touch your soul forever).

Saturday night, we brought down the tree and ornaments. I let Ethan help me with the less fragile ones. I explained that this was for our angel Sara. I showed him an ornament with her name on it. I showed him how to spell her name S-A-R-A, Sara. He started singing, "Sara, Sara, Sara." I started to cry. DH was very touched hearing Ethan singing her name.

I told him that Sara is his big sister, but he's too young to understand. But I'm glad to be laying the foundation for him to understand as he gets older.

October Babies Rock!!

2010-10-14T10:07:00.004-05:00

About 6 months after losing Sara, (Feb. 2007 I believe) an former co-worker contacted me. Her sister had just lost her son around 24-25 weeks. The family was devastated. I gave her a list of books that had been recommended to me as well as the information for the support groups that I was attending. I've kept in touch with them, checking in with how they were doing. On Oct.11 (Ethan's birthday also), their daughter was born!

Soon after we moved to our current house(April or May 2008), I learned of a couple who lost their daughter, she was stillborn at full-term. My friend B & I didn't know her, but we had contacts, friends of friends. She was living about 2 hours away, but her mother still lived in my area. When she was visiting her family one time, B & I went out to dinner with her. We've stayed in touch with her and she & her husband recently moved back. Their son was born Oct 13!

I am so excited for both of these families. October babies are very special!

Bad Day Gone Good

2010-10-05T15:02:00.005-05:00

The weather has been beautiful here lately, so I went for a walk at lunch. Afterwards I microwaved a cup of soup and went to the restroom while it was heating up. When I came back, the soup had tipped over and spilled in the microwave. I cleaned it up and decided to go out and grab some fast food. I got in my car and it wouldn't start. (I'm hoping it's just a dead battery.) I walked over to the snack bar on campus to get some food. I left a message for DH to come check out the situation before the end of the work day.

While walking back to my office, I wonder why these bad things happened to me. Was it because I refused to take the Jehovah's Witness's literature at the gas station yesterday? Then I realized, the soup spilling was a minor inconvenience and at least I found out about the car trouble early enough and it's at a safe place.

Soon after I got back to my desk and started eating, a co-worker told me that a student needed my help. I see maybe one student a week. (I usually talk to them on the phone.) She had a question about her transcript. So I asked her to come back to my desk to check it out. Her name? Sarah Elizabeth.

My Sara is looking out for me. She helps me keep things in perspective.

Joy of my Heart

2010-09-30T15:18:00.007-05:00

A few weeks ago, I got this charm for my birthday. In October 2006, 'joy' was not a part of my vocabulary. In October 2007, I had joy again, my beautiful son Ethan was born. He brings me joy everyday.

When I first started the charm bracelet right after Sara died, I said that I would only get charms that reminded me of her. At that point, I had no clue that I would have another child so soon after Sara's death. I was so overwhelmed with emotion, she was all I could think of. But I wouldn't have Ethan if Sara had lived, their stories are intertwined, so the charm bracelet became more about motherhood, my version of motherhood. I honor both of my children with it.

Peace of mind for $25

2010-09-15T18:28:00.002-05:00

Friday evening DH & Ethan were playing around. DH said, "Look at his neck.". I thought maybe I didn't wash his neck very well and he still had a dirt necklace. No, Dh thought Ethan's neck, specifically his lymph node, looked swollen. Of course, I g00gled it. Cancer was mentioned. My heart sank. It was also suggested to see a doctor if the lymph node was swollen for 2 weeks. Two weeks seemed like a long time. Monday night Ethan didn't sleep very well, he insisted that I sleep with him. I was feeling so anxious on Tuesday, I could feel myself tearing up throughout the morning.

I was able to talk with my 2 direct managers, told them that Sara's day is coming up soon and I get anxious around this time, and I'm worrying about Ethan, and that Sara and I share a birthday. They were very understanding, said I could take time off if I needed it or just take breaks when I need a few minutes alone.

Just telling them made me feel better. Later I made a doctor a ppt. For Ethan.

Wednesday we went in. The doctor said that he wasn't concerned because it was small and only one that was swollen. If it were larger and/or there were multiple swollen lymph node around his body, he'd be concerned. We talked about Ethan's overall health - potty training, adjusting to a new classroom, etc..., he was able to set my mind at ease. At least I know what to look for now, not just incomplete information from an Internet search.

I paid my $25 co-pay and went home to enjoy my beautiful son.

Birthdays

2010-08-24T21:30:00.003-05:00

Last week was my co-worker's birthday. Our typical birthday celebration at work is for everyone to bring in snacks and desserts and we graze through the day. Other co-workers from other departments stop by to wish the birthday girl all the best. That's the part that makes me sad. As I sat near Kelly and heard people joke with her (Sweet 16? You don't look a day over 21! And the like...), I didn't think I could just grin while others good-naturally tease me. That day I imagined how I would react and the tears started welling up.

I also work with a woman Shannon. Her son and his girlfriend are pregnant. I've tried to ignore her discussions/family drama surrounding this pregnancy. The couple got married last week, they told Shannon, but didn't invite her to the courthouse ceremony. Shannon has been paying several hundred dollars a month for this couple's apartment and bills. Last night the girlfriend/new wife's water broke. They went to the hospital and Shannon joined them. She was not invited into the private room, although the couples' friends were. She was pissed. Understandably! The baby was delivered around lunchtime today. Shannon didn't leave work early to meet her first grandchild. Thoughout the day, I had to hear about this family drama, other women shared their delivery stories. I kept to myself for the most part. I was polite and asked the baby's name and congratulated her. But I was emotional all day. I couldn't wait to get home and shed a few tears.

I feel myself becoming more anxious, honoring Sara as her day approaches and how will I respond to working the days leading up to her day.

Grief groups

2010-08-07T19:51:00.003-05:00

I recently discovered that our local hospice offers a "Loss of a Child" grief group. This past Monday I went for the first time. I was looking forward to it. Twisted,uh? The meeting was held in the evening after regular business hours. When I pulled into the parking lot, I noticed a few older people. I thought "maybe there is another group or meeting tonight too.". When I got inside, I didn't see any young couples, it was just older couples. I asked one of the men if this was the Loss of an Infant group. He said it was the Loss of a Child, for any parents.

Right away I recognized the parents of an high school classmate who died in an accident in March. I said hello to them, the mother said that she was glad I spoke to them, to remember their son T. There was another couple there, I think I recognized her as my 9th English teacher. She transferred to a different high school after my freshman year, so I haven't seen her since the early 1990's. I didn't talk with her directly, I'm not sure if she recognized me either.

There were 5 couples, me and the group leader. (My husband stayed at home with Ethan.). We went around the room, everyone sharing a brief history of their child. They all lost adult children, 20 - 35 year olds. I felt alone as the only one with a stillbirth. They all shared stories of their children, I don't have any to share. When it was my turn to share my loss, I cried. I've been feeling OK lately, so I was surprised to be crying like that. Maybe it was because I haven't shared my story with many strangers lately, maybe it was just being back at a grief group after a 2 year break.

We watched a video based on the book "Tear Soup". It was about grieving in general, not just the loss of a child. I think it made us feel better about the grieving process, that we will each do it differently, different lengths of time.

I'm not sure if I want to go back next month. These people are old enough to be my parents, or at least my aunt & uncle. They have experienced a loss of a child, so we can relate there, but they all watched their children grow up - first dates, high school graduation, college, careers, for some - weddings and grandchildren. I've considered sending a note to T's mother, explaining why I wasn't comfortable with this group, but that she & I could get together to chat if she'd like.

Any thoughts?

Thoughts...

2010-07-27T20:13:00.005-05:00

Just a few things that have been rolling around in my mind....

In June, my nephew turned 4 years old. Littlest J is 3.5 months older than Sara would be. Littlest J & Ethan attend the same day school, although they are in different classes. On this particular Friday, I was dropping off Ethan while my sister was dropping off Littlest J. He was carrying a carrier full of cupcakes for his class. He was so excited about his birthday. I gave him a birthday hug and said that he was getting so big. When I got back to my car, I started crying. Littlest J is my gauge, what milestones would Sara be hitting? How tall would she be?

I work in the admissions office at our local community college. I see a lot of documents. I come across quite a few "Sara(h) Elizabeth"'s. It makes me sad, knowing my Sara will never attend college, never grow up.

When Sara died, we asked if we could donate her organs. We were told it was too late. Since Ethan was born, I try to donate blood when I can. It's my way to make a difference, to save a life when I couldn't before.

Monday our local hospice is having an infant loss support group. I plan to attend. I haven't been to a support group for 2 years, I miss it.

I haven't written much about Ethan lately. I feel like he is such a blessing. He was kind and considerate and funny. Of course he's two, so tantrums are standard. But I feel like I have more patience with him after losing Sara.

More losses

2010-07-07T20:34:00.004-05:00

I didn't see a reference to this recent loss..

Within few months, a local couple lost their daughter to SIDS. I didn't know them, but they have a shoe repair shop - I've taken a couple of pairs of shoes there since we moved here. I sent the couple a card, telling them how our support group helped us & that the local hospice offers an infant loss group (which I should go to) and the basically that we were here for them, including our phone number.

Over the weekend, I broke the heel on a pair of shoes. I knew I would take it in to be repaired, but I didn't know if I would say anything to her.

I stopped by Tuesday on my lunch break. The wife was alone. She asked me to write my name and number on the tag. I wrote my first name and the first 3 letters of my last, she said, "You sent me the card!" I was surprised the she put it together so quickly. I asked how she was doing, she started to tear up. I squeezed her hand, "It's still so fresh, it's hard." She said that it was hard when she was alone with her thoughts at work. I told her to call me whenever she wanted to talk. Another customer came in & I had to get back to work. ( We work a 4 day/36 hour week during the summer; 30 minute lunches.)

My shoes should be ready tomorrow. I hope to talk with her more or at least make plans to talk at a later time.

sharing stories

2010-07-01T10:42:00.003-05:00

A little background information...My husband is in a band. Recently the singer in the band mentioned that he had a brother who died & that he would visit the grave before going to rodeos. That was all Dh knew- not how old the brother was, when this happened, nothing. The singer had written a song inspired by his brother.

On Tuesday of this week, I was having lunch at work. A co-worker came in the break room. We usually don't eat at the same time, she was just hungy early that day. We were chatting and I mentioned my husband's band, namely the lead singer. She knew his family (gotta love small towns.). She said that his parents lost a baby in the same manner that they did - Anencephaly where babies are born without brains. it was an amazing coincidence - such a rare condition to happen in a small community twice. My coworker never found out why it happened to her baby. I shared our story about Sara.

That night I told DH what I had learned at lunch. He thinks that there was an brother who died when he was older, based on the song lyrics. He doesn't know how to bring it up to the singer tactfully.

Mother's Day

2010-05-08T09:46:00.002-05:00

It's been a busy week around here - my class is finally over.

Thinking of all the mothers - no matter if your babies are in your arms or in your heart and memories. Take care of yourselves.

Springtime

2010-03-30T19:14:00.003-05:00

Spring brings new change and our lives are changing - it's good stuff. I got a full-time job. I've been teaching part-time at the local community college. But I haven't been very happy with it. My new job is in the admissions office of the college. I'll finish teaching (it's just one afternoon a week)this semester, but that's it.

So far, I'm enjoying the job, just learning all of the systems. My co-workers are nice. There are perks - 4 day work weeks during the summer, school holidays plus vacations.

On my first day, I met with my 2 direct supervisors. We talked about my responsibilities, upcoming projects & events, etc...They mentioned that they like to keep it light & fun in the office. They said for birthdays they'll have small parties - cake, snacks. They asked when was my birthday. Uh oh. I've only worked part-time since Sara died and have been able to avoid working on our birthday. I told them "October 2" but I got choked up. I told them that I didn't like to celebrate my birthday. I'm sure they thought that was odd. I was able to say "My daughter died on my birthday." They didn't ask any questions. I was OK with that.

So far I haven't said anything to my other co-workers about Sara. This year my birthday falls on a Saturday. So I'll have the actual day off. Maybe I'll tell them about her at our Monday morning meeting the week before. I'll just see how I'm feeling at that time.

Ethan has started going to day care full-time now & adjusted well. We've been happy with the current school, but we really liked another church day school in town. They didn't offer a part-time plan so it wasn't available before. Now that we need full-time care, we looked into switching. Thankfully they had an opening for Ethan's age group. It's a newer building, bigger playground, lots of activities. Ethan's cousin attends this day school, they'll see each on the playground. They also served a hot lunch. I've been packing lunch for Ethan. When I was working part-time it wasn't such a big deal. But now since I'm full-time, I'd prefer to spend time with Ethan & DH rather than finding to a decent meal to pack.

One of the local attraction is an antique carousel. It's only open for special events or if it's rented for private parties. It was open during spring Break. Ethan & I had a picnic at the park with my sister & her 2 sons and then the boys rode the carousel.

Unexpected

2010-03-27T16:23:00.005-05:00

Back in September, I wrote about an old school friend who died unexpectedly. Since then three more high school classmates have died. I wasn't very close with any of them, but we lived in a small town, each grade level had approximately 100 students, everyone knew everyone. These were guys I saw in the halls, at lunch, around town for years.

J, who died in September, was two grades ahead of me. He died of a heart defect that had not been discovered before. He exposed me to Ni.ne In.ch N@ils at a party back in the 90's.

M died in December of a virus. He was in ICU before passing away. I had known him the longest. We lived a few miles apart, attended the same elementary school. He was a grade level below me. I remember he memorized a Shel S1lverstein poem for a competition in elementary. I ran into him a few years ago at a music festival in Austin. It was nice to see him.

C had special needs and probably had numerous medical issues. He died of pnuemonia in early March. He took special ed. classes so I didn't see C. often. He was a big fan of our high school sports, always cheering. He always had a smile on his face and loved to hug. Someone created a webpage in his memory, there have been so many posts about his positive outlook on life.

T. just died this past Tuesday from a construction accident. I remember him being a shy, sweet guy. He left a 2 y.o. daughter & his wife, that breaks my heart. I've been sad since I heard the news.

Like I said, I wasn't very close to any of these guys, but I guess I'm just shocked to know these young men who died too soon. We aren't too surprised to hear when the eldery die, but when they still have so much living to do, when they are cheated of growing old with their spouses, watching their children grow up, it's heartbreaking. Each of these young men died unexpectedly, leaving their families to grieve. Tell your family and friends that you love them.

Want more?

2010-03-07T20:10:00.003-06:00

This weekend my sister & I had a garage sale. One of the first customers told me that I looked familiar. We figured out that our sons go to the same day care, although in different classes.

We were selling lots of baby gear and clothes that Ethan(the youngest boy, my sister has 2 sons.)had outgrown. The woman asked, "You don't want more?" I get this often. I don't mind when good friends or relatives ask, but I find it rude when strangers ask.

DH & I always wanted one child. After losing Sara, we knew we would try again. We feel complete with Ethan. He's almost 2.5 years old and we haven't discussed trying again.

I, too, would ask close friends if they wanted more children. But I'm not comfortable asking strangers. It's just none of my business. When I am asked, I feel like the person asking is expecting a complete explanation of why we're not having more. I usually don't want to go into losing Sara and how emotionally difficult my second pregnancy was. I usually just shrug my shoulders and say "We just don't." I'm not going to judge people if they decided that they don't want any children or if they want their own baseball team. As long as they love and care for their children, that's all that matters.

Why do strangers ask though? So many times, I've been tempted to say, in a whisper, "Because my therapist says I shouldn't." But living in a small town, that would be a bad idea to say.

Off topic, but I wonder why people do this: Say it's your birthday and a co-worker or other person finds out and then they say,"Oh my father-in-law's birthday is coming up next week." I don't get it. Am I suppose to send a card to him? People are born everyday, people share birthdays, strangers share birthday. I'm sure I've done this, it's just quirky to me.

Baby Loss on Reality TV

2010-02-28T14:17:00.006-06:00

Last night I was flipping through the channels. I saw that Run'$ H0u$e was on. I have never watched this show, but I knew about it. I remembered hearing a few years ago that the wife lost a baby while they were filming the show. I didn't have a frame of reference except that I knew I had to have hear it before losing Sara, otherwise, I know I would have searched for it before. I wasn't sure when I had heard it though - either before being pregnant or in the early months of being pregnant with Sara.

I clicked on the info button, the description said that the family was awaiting the arrival of a new member. It aired in 2007. Sara died in Oct 2006, so I figured it was a subsequent child. I watched. The mother was 9 month pregnant, the family was in good spirits. Run & his wife joked about where to go to eat. She only wanted H00ter's wings, he felt that it was inappropriate for him, as a reverend, to go there. The screen went black, I thought they were going to commercial. I glanced down at the magazine in my lap. The TV was quiet, so I looked up. On the screen were the words (paraphrased)"Her water broke that night and they went to the hospital. The baby died at birth."

It was THE episode! I started bawling immediately. Like my own loss, it was so unexpected. They were just joking about going to H00ter's and now the baby was gone.

I believe the rest of the episode was rehearsed and edited because it was such a personal and tragic event. The young children come into the hospital asking if it was a girl or a boy. The mother tells them that it was a girl, that she was sick and didn't make it. The boys seemed shocked, but they didn't cry.

Overall I thought they handled the episode well, they maintained privacy but yet gave the audience small glimpses of their sadness.

The episode was dedicated to Baby Victoria - September 26, 2006. She died six days before my Sara! I must have been so caught up in my own excitement of my daughter being born soon that I didn't completely register what happened. I had heard the news through a gossipy message board - probably from people who actually followed the show, although the episode didn't air until months later.

If you're interested in reading the full summary of this episode or watching it, go here.

Welcome Baby S.

2010-02-25T08:58:00.002-06:00

Yesterday Baby S. was born!! His parents go to my church. Last year they lost their first son Gabe at 5 months due to pneumonia. Baby S. was born exactly one year later.

I can only imagine the emotions the parents are going through. I know how hard it is for me to share a birthday with Sara. Perhaps this brought closure for the parents.

Looking forward to meeting you Baby S!

More Butterflies...

2010-01-10T17:02:00.003-06:00

Back in November, Ethan & I went to visit one of my dearest friends in San Antonio. The three of us went to the zoo. The San Antonio Zoo has a butterfly house - an enclosed greenhouse with several varieties of butterflies as well as plants. As soon as we walked in, a butterfly landed on my shoulder and stayed there for several minutes. It was a very peaceful place. Outside of the butterfly house are butterfly cutouts for photo opportunities. This is Ethan in two of them.

Last March I posted about a couple from my church who lost their 5 month old son. They are pregnant again, expecting their second son approximately the same time the first son, Baby Gabe, died -late February/early March. The mother has been having contractions already. She had a dr. appt on Friday, may have to be put on bedrest, I haven't heard an update yet. They have already talked about inducing early - like at 36.5 weeks. Please keep this family in your prayers.

Christmas Cards

2009-12-21T08:40:00.005-06:00

Saturday we received several Christmas cards. Two in particular stand out. One we received from a family who lost their 16 year old daughter. They sent a photo card, in the center was a Christmas ornament with her name on it. Then on either side was a photo of the family. They also included a free-form poem, basically listing things that they did through out 2009, meaning that their daughter was with them as they experienced these things. I cried when I read it, so beautiful and touching.

The second card was from a young family, they sent a photo card of their nearly 2 year old daughter. Their poem included the news that they are pregnant again, due in the summer. I couldn't help but think, "I hope nothing happens to the baby." I know I wouldn't be comfortable making an announcement that way.

Ethan was honored in his great-grandparents' Christmas card. They handmake their Christmas cards, have been for 60 years! The cover showed a little drummer boy. Inside they wrote that this was the 60th year of their making cards and it was dedicated to the two new drummers in the family, Ethan and a cousin who started playing drums in her jr. high band. I found it to be a wonderful coincidenece because we took a picture of Ethan playing on a full drum set, then on our Christmas card the message was " I'll play my drums for Him... pa rum pa pum pum..."

Toys and Donations

2009-12-14T09:25:00.003-06:00

Since Halloween, the toy manufacturers, as always, have increased the number of commercials they show, especially on the kid channels. Thankfully, Ethan isn't sucked into them yet. One day during a B@rbie commercial, I thought to myself , "Good lord, that's a lot of little pieces. I'm glad, I don't have to put up with all the girlie toys." But I knew as soon as I thought it that I would love to play B@rbies with my little Sara.

Several weeks ago, we received a letter asking for donations to S+. Jude'z Research Hospital. The letter has a postscript. "I hope that your own family never suffers the tragedy of losing a child to an incurable disease."

It stung a bit. Don't try to guilt me into giving money. Yes, I think this is a good cause to give to, but I have chosen other equally important causes to give to, causes that don't make me want to slug Marlo Thomas.

Talking

2009-10-17T12:11:00.001-05:00

Guess what Ethan said last night "My sister Sara"! In his language, it was more like "my sissis Sawa."

We always end our night-time prayers with "And say Hello to big sister Sara". Last night he didn't want to get ready for bed, so I was telling him that he needed to take a bath, we would read some books, sing songs and say our prayers. Then he said it!

October

2009-10-15T17:56:00.004-05:00

This is the cake I made for my & Sara's birthday.

Looking back, I think Oct. 3 was harder than the 2nd. There's always so much anticipation before Sara's Day and then it's just over. On top of top, then we shift gears to celebrate Ethan's birthday a week later.

I've been burning a votive candle today, remembering all of the lost babies. The candle burned to the bottom.

Today I went to the thrift store to get ideas for Ethan's Halloween costume. Looking through a rack, I came across a Halloween onesie, I had bought the same one for Sara. I bought it the weekend before she died. I knew I wouldn't do a costume for a 4 week old, but a onesie was OK. When she died, I had a friend return it and some other things to the store. So seeing this onesie again took my breath away. I had so looked forward to seeing Sara in this little outfit, to celebrate a holiday with her.

This week

2009-10-04T12:40:00.002-05:00

This has been a gray, overcast week. I think it has rained almost everyday, except for Friday! Friday was a beautiful fall day. Thursday night I was already feeling anxious & I think Ethan picked up on that. He stayed up too late & then woke up around 1 am. I sat down to rock him & it started raining. I was afraid that we wouldn't be able to go to the park like we had planned. But the morning turned out beauiful - sunny & clear. We played at the park with E for a while and then had a late lunch.

Over the past few days, I received wonderful cards & gifts, appropirate gifts. My mother-in-law came over Friday afternoon & we all went over to my parents' house. I arranged pink & white roses to place at Sara's tree. We released balloons near sunset. It's nice to see the little boys excited about the balloons. Ethan was upset when his balloon flew away, he cried a bit and said, "Bal-loo bye-bye."

We had dinner together & then cake. (I'll post a picture of the cake later.) It was just a nice peaceful day. Of course there were sad moments, I cried several times. But the pain wasn't as intense, as raw as it's been in the past.

As I've mentioned several times, my friend B lost her daughter four days after we lost Sara, on Oct. 6. The couple from our church who lost their 5 month old baby -he was born Oct. 5. So today we all brought flowers/plants to church. The babies' names and names of their parents were listed in the church bulletin. For a moment the 3 of us mothers were standing together, comparing jewelry honoring our babies. I'm so aware of that, our common bond.

Anything would be better

2009-09-29T08:56:00.003-05:00

Over the weekend, the brother of an old high school friend died. He was 37, had a heart attack due to an enlarged heart.

His funeral is tomorrow, in our hometown. I'm trying half-heartly to find a babysitter for Ethan so I could go. Funerals are hard - period. I haven't kept in touch with my old friend since graduating. But I know how much it meant to me to have friends and family at Sara's memorial service, so I'll try to go.

But another old friend will be there, M. M & C (the sister of the deceased man) are best friends. M & I have kept in touch over the years, lived in the same town until about 1.5 years ago. But after losing Sara, she said some thoughtless things.

I don't want to be bitter with her, but she doesn't get how hard it is to lose a child, she just always seems to say the wrong thing when I'm hurting. I don't think I wrote about this before, but this was probably the root of it. Six years ago, DH & I lost a friend in a car accident. We hadn't known her for very long, but she was one of those amazing people, she inspired others. I was truly heart-broken when Laura died. When I mentioned this to M., she shared her thoughts about death. She believes that when people die, perhaps it was because something worse was going to happen to them. I find that to be very naive. What's worse than dying young?? To leave your family & friends hurting, heart-broken, angry?

When Sara died, M said the same thing to me again. She honestly believes that. I was speechless. I just don't want to be around her anymore. I hope M hasn't said this to her best friend. Really, it's not comforting.

I just can't imagine anything worse than dying young. If Sara was born alive, but with medical issues - it would be hard and stressful, but I would have my daughter. I would know the color of her eyes, perhaps hear her laugh, feel her warm body in my arms.

I thought of 'bad' scenarios, but I know, like me, my daughter would be strong and she would survive emotionally, even if she was haunted by thos events. Anything would be better than dying young.

And so, I don't want to go to this funeral because I don't want M to try to catch up and act like she never hurt me. Not at a funeral two days before the anniversary of Sara's death. If I go, I'll only stay for the service, not for the socializing afterwards.

Calvin

2009-09-24T09:31:00.005-05:00

Yesterday my aunt & I went shopping. On the drive home, I mentioned a story about our nephew
We talked about how sensitive a kid he is, he's just a great kid. (Can be a little turkey sometimes.) We talked about he "gets it" about losing Sara. Even our older niece doesn't seem to understand, she doesn't ask me anything about Sara.

The talk turned to losses in general. My father & aunt had a brother Calvin, he was the middle child. When he was in the 1st grade, he was hit & killed by a car as he was crossing the street to get on the school bus. I've always known about Calvin & very basic details. My father was 9 at the time, he and 2 other neighborhood boys saw the accident. I can't imagine that pain and horror. My father doesn't talk about Calvin. I want to spent the day with him and encourage him to tell me about his brother.

My aunt was only 18 months old when Calvin died, she doesn't remember him. She said that she had been angry about that, she was cheated out of any memories. I mentioned that I saw a picture of Calvin for the first time within 10 years. I thought my grandparents had hidden the pictures. They didn't own a camera themselves at this time & so didn't have many pictures of any of their children, just some school pictures or ones that other people took. She said that my grandmother always wished that she had more pitures of Calvin.

Then she told me that my grandmother told her (my grandmother died when I was 19) that I reminded her of Calvin, similar personalities. I cried when I heard that. I have a connection to my uncle that I never knew! I wonder if I remind my father of Calvin.

We continued to talk about losses & the grieving process. I mentioned the photography service Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. My aunt stopped me. She said she suddenly had a vision me of helping other in their grieving process. She didn't know if it would be a paid job or volunteering, but she felt that my grieving would eventually help others.

I don't know where this journey is leading me, but I know my Sara will be with me.

Good-bye Mr. Swayze.

2009-09-15T09:33:00.003-05:00

Does anyone think that their baby may be hanging out with celebrities in heaven? I think Sara would want to say "Hi" to Patrick Swayze, being Texans & all. I don't imagine full-on conversations, but I think "I've never met a celebrity, maybe my Sara is hanging out with someone famous."

Good-bye Mr. Swayze, I hope you had the time of your life.

Random Stuff

2009-09-03T11:10:00.003-05:00

A few weeks ago, my 6 y.o. nephew was spending the afternoon with us. We played in Ethan's room. Nephew asked "Where did you get that dress?" Sara's would-be baptism dress that is framed and hangs in Ethan's room. This nephew remembers me being pregnant and is aware that Sara died. So I took a deep breath and said, "Remember the baby that we lost, our baby Sara? That was supposed to be her dress." Nephew accepted that answer and nodded. Then he said, "If she were alive and you had Ethan, they'd be friends and play together, like me and my brother!" Yes, yes they would be friends. I love that kid!

Yesterday DH got an email from a friend, asking for our address, they wanted to send us an invitation. They have a daughter who is a few days older than Ethan, her 2nd birthday party would be the first weekend in October. DH replied, "Thank you for including us, but we wouldn't be able to attend that weekend." When DH told me about it, he started to tear up. It breaks my heart that a simple child's birthday party is so upsetting.

I'm interviewing for a new job, trying to go full-time. I miss the social aspect of working. I wonder if I'll be able to take off for Sara's day? At least a half-day.

Time

2009-08-13T09:09:00.002-05:00

Whenever I look at a digital clock at 10:02, I think "Sara's birthdate." Anyone else do that?

I can't believe it's almost 3 years since I lost my Sara. I don't know what to do to honor her this year. Of course DH & I will spend some quiet time on her day and then we'll have dinner with my family, release balloons, have cupcakes. But I don't know if I want to do anything "public". Last year I sent packets of seeds to family & friends, I got a good response to those. I know I'll be hurt if people don't respond like I expect, I don't want to be let down.

Later this month I have my high school class reunion - 17 years. Yeah, I know traditionally people have reunions every 5 or 10 years. We missed the 10 year, had an 11 year, so I guess 17 is appropriate. At my 11th, DH & I had just started dating, so he didn't attend with me. I don't know who knows about Sara. I know for certain maybe half of my class knows - either I am still friends with them or they still have contacts in our little hometown. I'm nervous about going, I'm not the girl that they went to high school with. But I want to see some of my old classmates, so I'll go along with DH & Ethan.

Remember

2009-06-30T10:19:00.003-05:00

"Remember"
By Christina Georgina Rossetti

REMEMBER me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.

( I remember you Sara.)

Random Comments

2009-06-27T21:17:00.002-05:00

A few months after losing Sara, DH & I spent a late Christmas with his brother, sister-in-law & their kids and his father & his wife. At dinner the youngest niece was misbehaving. DH's brother said," Yeah if she had been the first -born, we wouldn't have had any more kids." DH & I looked at each other & the tears welled up. We excused ourselves and went outside. When we came back in, sister-in-law whispered a quick "sorry".

A few weeks ago, we had some friends and family over for a BBQ. I heard DH's brother tell some friends,"Yeah,if the youngest had been born first, we wouldn't have had any more kids." I wanted to snarl at him, "I'm so sorry that you have all three of your horrible kids." That stupid comment still stings. One day he's going at say it and I won't bite my tongue.

Several of the friends at the BBQ hadn't been to our house before, I gave a quick tour. While in Ethan's room, one of the women, a new neighbor, commented on the framed baptismal dress hanging there. At first she thought it was Ethan's outfit, but as she got closer, she realized it was a dress. Then she thought it may have been mine as a baby, but she realized it looked too new. So she asked why there was a framed dress in a little boy's room.

How I wish I could have a casual answer. "That old thing? I picked it up while vacationing in the Keys." Instead I take a deep breath and explain how we lost Sara at full-term. I like sharing Sara's story, hoping she'll be remembered.

I had a nice weekend. Friday night we dropped Ethan off with my parents and DH & I went to a BBQ cook-off. My sister's husband is a wonderful BBQ-er. I got to see a bunch of old friends, friends I haven't seen in 15+ years. Today DH & Ethan went to visit DH's mother. I had plans to visit a friend, but the plans fell through, so I went shopping alone. I prefer to shop alone some days, I'm on my time schedule, can go to the stores I want to go to. I went to a couple of children's clothes stores, got a few things for Ethan. I makes me a little sad to see all of the little girl clothes. I feel like I shouldn't even be on that side of the store.

Support Groups

2009-06-23T08:27:00.005-05:00

When we lived in Austin, DH & I went to 2 support groups, they met monthly, we went almost every month. It was good for us to talk with other parents who had lost children. I made a few good friends through these groups.

A few months ago, I received an invitation to join a mother's group in our small town. Ethan goes to a church-run day care and a few ladies from the church organized this group. I went the first few months, they were still working out the plan - what would we do each month? Maybe it would have been different if I joined after they were already established, but it felt so wishy-washy to me. Some ladies suggested different crafts to do, quick recipes/grocery tips, fun things to do around town with the kids, etc... There was no focus.

In the grief support group, that was our common bond - grief over losing a child and everything that goes with it. We didn't have a topic of the month. We just shared what ever was going on in our lives. Some months, usually near holidays, we talked about how we planned to handle 'celebrating' those events, but often we just vented, and cried.

Maybe just being "a mom" is too broad of a term. Believe me, I get stressed, but this particular group I didn't click with. If I want to do crafts, I go into my craft room/guest bedroom and find a craft. Or I would join a craft group specifically. I felt like if I was stressed about parenting - say if Ethan was biting, I couldn't vent about that because a craft had been planned.

But usually if I'm stressed and need some adult time, I arrange for Ethan to stay with family while DH & I have a date night. Or I leave Ethan & DH at home while I have dinner & drinks with friends.

Beginnings and Endings

2009-06-02T19:17:00.003-05:00

Today I received an email from a member of one of my old support groups, she & her family moved about the same time my family moved. She had a baby boy today - her baby after a loss, after numerous tries. I'm overjoyed for this family.

Today I also received an email from an old friend - her younger brother died today. About 12 years ago, when he was 12, he suddenly become very sick. The doctors belive it was a virus. G could barely talk; eating & swimming have been his only pleasures for the past 12 years. My heart aches for this family.

Always on my mind...

2009-05-28T16:21:00.005-05:00

You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories.

- Stanislaw J. Lec ( Polish author)

I haven't posted in a while, but Sara and all of the other lost babies are on my mind. Wednesday Ethan & I went over to my sister's house. Ethan played in the sprinkler with his cousins. The 3 of them get along so well. The younger of the 2 cousins is about 1 year and 4 months older than Ethan. He's thin while Ethan is solid, a big boy. We often comment on Ethan & Justin - comparing their sizes. I can't help but think that there should be a little girl just 4 months younger than Justin running around, laughing as the sprinkler splashes her too.

Weekend

2009-04-22T14:54:00.003-05:00

DH & I went out of town for the weekend. His band was playing at a wedding, few friends of ours were attending as guests, so I was able to tag along, had cake & wine. : )

The wedding was held in a quaint little town in the Texas Hill Country. I was able to go poke around the cute little shops while the band set up for the reception. For the past 2 years I've been carrying around a tiny picture of Sara in my wallet. I recently bought a new wallet & I didn't want to lose this picture, so it was just propped up against a larger picture frame. While in one of the shops, I came across a tiny picture frame - the perfect size for the tiny picture of Sara. Plus it has a 3-D butterfly on it. I snatched it up right away.

At another shop, the shopkeeper was wearing a T-shirt for a butterfly festival. I asked him about it. It so happened that the butterfly festival was happening that day! Earlier in the morning, 100's of butterflies were released! Sounds amazing. (By this time, most of the shops were closing up, so I didn't get to experience the festival.) Later I found a local magazine and there was an article about the butterfly festival. Families and organizations could sponsor a caterpillar/butterfly cage. When the butterflies are released, the ones that are in memory of community children who died are released first.

DH has been with this band for roughly a year now. He didn't know his bandmates until we moved here. They were introduced by mutual friends. On Saturday while I was shopping, DH was hanging out with one of his bandmates. The bandmate mentioned a trip he had taken to Hawaii and that leads DH to share our story of Hawaii and Sara and Ethan. The bandmate (who is 59) shared his story - his oldest daughter had a stillbirth. DH felt like the bandmate didn't want to talk much more about it, so he didn't pressure him - so I don't have any other details to share.

Last week I read a memoir - The Long.est Ro/ad H0me. It's by the guy who wrote "M@rley @and M.e" His parents had a stillbirth. This was in the 50's. His mother was put under, she wasn't even alert for the delivery. She thought eveything was fine. When she woke up, excited to meet her daughter, her husband had to break the news that they had lost the baby. I can not imagine.

Before losing Sara, I don't recall hearing stories or reading books where the parents had a stillbirth. Now they seem to pop up even when I'm not looking.

2.5

2009-04-03T13:02:00.008-05:00

(I starting writing this last Friday, the days have slipped away from me.)

The past few weeks, Sara has been on my mind. I guess it started about 3 weeks ago, my sister & I went shopping. We were chatting on the drive. A song started playing. Dea.d and Blo.ated by St.one Te.mple Pi.lots. "I am smelling like a rose that somebody gave me on my birthday death bed." Not exactly a tear-jerker. But what the hell else am I supposed to be reminded of except losing Sara?

A few days later, I got one of those surveys. This time it had a question "The last song that made you cry?" I immediately thought of "De.ad & Blo.ated" but I didn't want to explain that story, I didn't know where my answers would be forwarded on to. So I wrote "The Dance" by Garth Brooks.

Several times over the past few weeks, I would be thinking of other things and those thoughts would led me back to October 2006, back to the dr's office where it was confirmed that she was gone, back to coming home from the hospital to an empty, quiet house.

Today (4/3) I realized - it's been two and a half years since we lost Sara. TWO AND A HALF YEARS!!! Every day I think of her, I know she's gone and my life is different because she's gone. I say how much I miss her, but "miss" doesn't feel like the right word. I miss my grandparents who have all passed away, I miss old friends that I've lost contact with. I have memories of those people and those times. My only true memories of Sara are being pregnant, delivering her and then the short time we spent with her. Everything else is fantasies we made up while pregnant. I feel cheated out of so much.

When we lost Sara, we asked our friends & families donate books to libraries in Sara's memory. Several months ago, my mother-in-law gave me a couple of books to donate. I chose to donate them to the elementary school I grew up in. Two of my nephews will attend that school as well as many other relatives & the kids of old friends. It felt good to donate those books. The librarian had commented that she had noticed one of the books recently at a conference and now it was a part of her library!

Support

2009-03-22T16:21:00.004-05:00

Several weeks , possibly months ago, I came across the blog of another DB Mama. I wish I could find this entry back, it was in her archives, not even a recent entry. She wrote about a study that had been done on bloggers, how blogging helps them, like a form of therapy.

When I first lost Sara, I visited a message board for parents who had lost babies. Without knowing these families' stories, I found the message board to be even more upsetting. I found entries that basically said "It's been 6 months, or 12 months, or 5 years and it still hurts." That scared me. What was going to happen to me and to my DH?
It's been almost 2.5 years since I lost my Sara and yes, it does still hurt. But if a mother who recently lost her baby did a search for blogs she could read our stories - from our first entry to the most current. She could see the highs and lows, how we've progressed over time - not just a random post on a message board.

My DH & I used to meet with two different support groups and with a therapist occasionally. Blogging has been another form of therapy. I can share my feelings and experiences with others. I know I don't have many followers, but if you recently came across my blog or others in deadbabyland, you are welcome here. It's the worst club to be a member of, but some of the most amazing people are here.

Baby G.

2009-02-26T08:39:00.002-06:00

Last night my friend B. called - another couple from our church lost a baby. Baby G. was roughly 6 months old. I don't have all the details - he was sick, his parents took him to the doctor's office, he had chest X-rays. Whatever was found was not good, he was going to be taken to a larger hospital. Instead he died from respiratory failure.
My heart aches for this family. Baby G. was an adorable little boy, strawberry blonde, curly hair. I've stroked that hair. I've admired him and talked to his parents about how beautiful he was. I want to go to their house and sit with the mother and hold her hand while she cries.
This has brought up old emotions for me - losing a baby unexpectedly. I was putting Ethan to bed last night & just started crying. I asked DH to put Ethan to bed, I needed a good cry. I didn't sleep very well. Ethan woke up once, but I woke up several times, looked at the clock & thought about all the lost babies. So very sad.
Please keep this young family in your thoughts.

Dream

2009-02-12T14:40:00.002-06:00

A few days ago, I had a rare dream about Sara. I was dreaming about a song, I remember thinking, "This song is like a conversation between me & Sara." It was supposedly a common mainstream song. Now I can't remember what it was, if the song even exists.
But it made me happy to have a dream about my daughter.

On My Mind

2009-01-31T18:02:00.002-06:00

Ethan's been sick this week. It's funny how I got used to "my time" while he was at day care. Today he's feeling much better and I'm not feeling so overwhelmed & frustrated.

One of the local churches has a sign outside, currently it reads " A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on." Really?? Then what is God's opinion when a baby dies unexpectedly? Or worse when the parents kill the baby?

When my class finishes the lecture early we talk about current events. This past week one of the students brought up a case going on in the Galveston area. The parents abused the 2 year old girl & she died. My student's father is in law enforcement & has been very involved. So we discussed it a bit. The discussion started getting more & more gruesome. It makes me sad. Why did these people even get to have a child if they were going to abuse & kill her?? So I asked the class to change the subject, that it was upsetting to me. (They don't know about Sara.) Another student who is much older than the rest of the class & has 3 grown children pipes up, " Yes, it's upsetting to me too, I have children." Whatever.

Roses & Such

2009-01-06T21:43:00.003-06:00

We gave my parents a digital frame for Christmas & put pictures of our families on it. I thought about putting a picture of Sara on it. My mother displays Sara's footprints. I don't push her to display Sara's picture. I figured I could always add something later. A few days ago, I was at my parents' house. I watched the pictures scroll through. My younger sister included this picture of a pink rose with a sprinkling of snowflakes. I started tearing up, I was so happy that she included that photo. It was taken in her yard the day we had an unexpected snowfall in early December. It is beautiful.

DH & I decided to put Ethan in day care part-time. I'm only teaching part-time, but my class is requiring more on-line assignments, so I'll have to be on the computer more - which is hard to do with Ethan around. So rather than just getting a babysitter to come in while I'm actually teaching, Ethan will go to day care on Tuesday/Thursday. This will also allow me to do things for me - lunch with friends, working on projects, etc...Today I took Ethan to see his classroom. He seemed excited by the playground. The name of his class? Butterflies. Of course.

I'm saddened by John Travolta's loss of his son Jett. I think it makes people realize that no matter how rich or famous someone this, they too can be struck with a tragedy.

Grace

2008-12-28T13:22:00.004-06:00

A friend gave me this set of Philosophy bath & body products - Amazing Grace.

On each bottle there are comments about having grace in difficult situations. I'm not sure if she bought this particular set for me because she thinks I have grace or she liked the scent - it's a delicate, feminine scent.

I'll take it either way.

37 Years

2008-12-21T18:23:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow will be the 37th birthday of my cousin who was stillborn.

I talked with my aunt a few days ago, lent her my copy of this book and told her that I plan to leave flowers on Keith's grave soon.

Today, I was able to cut some fresh flowers from our yard (some kind of white perfume-y flowers). I tied a note to the vase "You are Remembered." After church DH, Ethan & I went to the cemetery. I knew that Keith's grave was near the fence line of the cemetary, but it took me a few minutes to find it. I knelt down to leave the vase & just paused for a moment to think of this cousin that I never knew, but will never forget.

Isn't that what we all want? To have someone leave flowers in memory of our babies 37 years from now?

Weekend - Remembering

2008-12-16T09:39:00.003-06:00

I received the Christmas card that DH's grandparents made. I've scanned it in, but I'm having a heck of a time attaching it to my blog. : (

This past Friday, we had a some friends over for BBQ. Even better - another couple did all the cooking & clean-up, everyone just gatered at our house. One of the women Jan said that she was looking at our family website, she read about our Sara. She told us her family's story. Her older brother & sister-in-law lost a baby. It was a cord accident. He was born alive, but it sounds like he had brain damage from a lack of oxygen and died within a few days. We talked about remembering the babies and how this loss changes your life.

Saturday night, DH & I went to his company holiday party. I talked to the wife of the couple who lost their daughter over Memorial Day weekend. I had sent a Christmas card to them, saying we were thinking of them at this bittersweet time. I hope I didn't ruin her evening. She was so strong & brave. It was nice to talk about our daughters and we talked about some grief books we've read.

Thanksgiving Recap

2008-11-30T20:45:00.003-06:00

We got a sneak peek of the Christmas card that DH's grandparents designed in memory of Sara. On the cover was a Christmas ornament made out of blue paper that had been embossed (I think that's the word) so there was a raised pattern. In the center of that was an angel. The angle was from the back, like you're looking over her shoulder - the wings were there and then the side of her face.

Inside the sentiment was along the lines of,"As the Baby Jesus inspired Christmas, let the children in your life inspired your Christmas. In Memory of Sara Elizabeth." I'll be sure to scan it in when we receive ours in the mail.

We spent Thanksgiving Day with DH's family. We have 2 nieces & a nephew from this side of the family. The oldest girl is your typical teenager, spent most of the day texting her friends. But the 2 youngest (10 y.o. & 6 y.o.) are greedy, disrespectful brats. They fought with each other & their parents, cheated at games, and are simply horrible to be around. I won't go into all the family history & drama. But it makes me sad that these hateful, mean children continue to be mean and hateful - primarily because their parents do a crappy job of parenting. And our Sara, who we planned for and we discussed parenting before we ever got pregnant, is gone.

Today we had a nice Thanksgiving with my family. Nothing that stands out, but sometimes that's what makes it special - just a day with family, enjoying each other's company & good food.

Sunshine & Rain

2008-11-11T11:51:00.006-06:00

One of our local weathermen has a stupid gimmick. When he gives the next day's weather forecast, he rates the day, gives it a number. "Tomorrow's going to be a 7 folks." It annoys me, a stupid arbitrary number that HE assigns. A 7 vs. a 9 may be the difference of a few degrees, a slight chance of rain. I keep saying I'm going to email him and his TV station to complain, but I haven't yet. Not all days can be Chamber of Commerce days, beautiful, sunny, 85 degrees days. We need both rain and sunshine to grow plants and vegetation. It will get cold during the winter. It's simple science.

A few days ago my friend Lori wrote that rain reminds her of her son Logan because it was a rainy day when she lost him. That made me think of needing rain & sunshine ,literally & figuratively, in our lives to appreciate the other.

And so I leave you with a little Joy & Pain

Ex.act Re.plica

2008-11-06T21:48:00.003-06:00

If you haven't read this book yet, you should. It's a beautiful memoir of a stillbirth and a SPAL. Although we have our own stories, the events that led up to the loss of our babies, there are other details that we can all relate to.

I don't want to give away any of the details, but I laughed at an absurd story she shared, a misunderstanding. It reminded me of an absurd misunderstanding I had in the hospital. Our nurse shared a story of another couple, their baby wasn't expected to live but a few hours. The father said out loud, "Grass! I want my baby to experience grass." My first though was "Why would you want your dying baby to smoke grass? But I guess it would numb the parents' pain." The nurse continued, the father ran outside and picked some grass from the hospital lawn. (Oh yeah, lawn/grass, that would be more appropriate.)

I cried a lot too. Ms. McCracken wrote about wanting to know the names of all the babies who have died, to tell their parents "It happened to me too." so they would feel normal and to remember their babies. I know this feeling too well.

It's a quick read, I stayed up too late reading it, but I finished it over a weekend.

At arm's length

2008-11-05T15:03:00.004-06:00

My friend M called me last week to wish me a happy belated birthday. great.

When I saw her name pop up in the caller ID, I thought twice about answering. I talked to her back in March, played phone tag for a few weeks over the summer, I was busy at the moment, but I decided to talk. Yes she has said some thoughtless things over the past 2 years but we've been friends for so many years, I don't want to let that ruin our friendship. But when she wished me a happy belated birthday, my attitude changed, I didn't want to have a friendly chat with her. She seriously doesn't get how losing Sara has changed me - especially since I lost Sara on my birthday. She could have just said that she was thinking of me, that we haven't talked in a while, she didn't have to bring up birthdays at all, she was already 3 weeks late with that.

M. had told me back in March that she was pregnant with her second child, not very far along at the time. She told me last week that she's having a C-section the day after HER birthday. Now I really didn't want to talk to her. I don't even know if she's having a girl or a boy. Yes, part of this is due to jealousy - I can not enjoy a pregnancy, I don't want to talk about hers either.

I wish I could sit down and tell her how her thoughtless words have hurt me, but knowing how little free time she has had for me over the past few year, I know we won't be having that conversation any time soon. Don't get me wrong, I think she has been a good friend in the past, but she is horrible at time management and has different priorities than me. She works full-time & travels a lot and often puts her job before her husband & son (as I see it). There have been several times over the past few years (before I was ever even pregnant with Sara)that she would flake on me when we had made plans to meet for coffee or brunch, usually for work things that popped up.

So I feel myself putting distance between us.

More Butterflies

2008-11-02T15:07:00.004-06:00

Well one more. I went to one of my favorite local gift shops a few days ago. They have 10+ Christmas tree decorated, each with a different theme. One of the trees has these glass ornaments which I've never been a fan of, I find some of them a bit garish. But as I walked by this tree, this butterfly caught my eye. (The yellow & blue one there.) I couldn't resist, I bought it. When I got home, I was putting it away with other ornaments & I happened to read the tag. "The butterfly is a symbol of immortality. Since it evolves from egg to caterpillar to chrysalis, and then emerges as a butterfly from it's cocoon, it represents the soul and the cycle of rebirth. A pair of butterflies signifies marital happiness."

And just so you don't think Ethan is ignored around here this is an ornament I bought for him.

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-31T14:44:00.003-05:00

The "face" is in the wood grain of our fence.

Distractions

2008-10-30T11:27:00.006-05:00

Monica & Ya Chun tagged me -

1. Where is your cell phone? In my purse
2. Where is your significant other? Working in his office
3. Your hair color? Brown
4. Your mother? Awkward relationship
5. Your father? Adore him
6. Your favorite thing? Baking
7. Your dream last night? Don't remember.
8. Your dream/goal? To raise an amazing son.
9. The room you're in? Study
10. Your hobby? pastime? baking/crafts
11. Your fear? Another loss
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Here is good.
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. What you're not? Pregnant (in a good way.)
15. One of your wish list items? Update the kitchen
16. Where you grew up? Texas
17. The last thing you did? Ran errands
18. What are you wearing? Sweatpants & T-shirt
19. Your T.V.? Off
20. Your pet? Sleeping.
21. Your computer? An outlet
22. Your mood? Upbeat
23. Missing someone? Always
24. Your car? Clean
25. Something you're not wearing? a hat
26. Favorite store? My local ACE
27. Your Summer? fun
28. Love someone? Of course.
29. Your favorite color? green
30. When is the last time you laughed? Earlier today- at Ethan
31. Last time you cried? Last night

Well, it looks like everyone I can think of has been tagged.

Halloween

2008-10-28T10:25:00.003-05:00

I like Halloween and fall in general. I like the Harvest/Fall festivals with baked goods & hand-made crafts for sale. We enjoyed pumpkin smoothies last night. As an adult, I prefer funny & clever costumes to scary ones.

A few weeks ago, DH & I went to a big craft store. They had Halloween decorations for sale. One of the decorations was a 'zombie' holding a head. That just doesn't sit well with me. I don't want headstones decorating my yard or skeltons sitting around. It brings me back to my dead baby and I don't want to think of her in those terms - creepy, scary, frightening.

She was a beautiful baby, so serene and peaceful. But I'll always be haunted by that day, the nightmare of a day when we lost our precious Sara.

Ethan's not dressing up this year. I borrowed a costume from my sister, my nephew was Bam-Bam from the Flintstones when he was 1.5 years old. Ethan didn't like it, he just liked to pet it, like a cat.

Random Thoughts

2008-10-21T22:18:00.003-05:00

Yay! I finished my on-line training. I've been feeling so overwhelmed since Ethan's birthday. I was supposed to start this training on the 6th, didn't start until the 13th. But I'm done with that. I need to come up with some more questions for my class's next exam and I have to keep up with the grading. I admire teachers who work full-time and have families. I'm going crazy trying to have 1 class and a 1 year old at home. Hopefully I'll be less bitchy now, with one less item on my plate.

We finally got serious about weaning Ethan. DH has been putting Ethan to bed for several nights, but I would still nurse him during the day. We started giving him whole milk right before his birthday. So Saturday night, DH put him to bed. Ethan woke up around 3am and basically screamed/cried until after 4. We were all up. He woke up again around 7 am. We were exhausted and frustrated. I gave in because I needed sleep. But that's been it. Ethan will actually take a bottle from me or just let me rock him. I still pump a bit, just to relieve pressure. Hopefully in a few days, it'll be over. It's been emotional. I've been breast-feeding from day one and here he is 1 year, 10 days+ old.

DH & I watch The Biggest Loser. The elimination round always frustrates me, you'd think they were being sent to the gas chamber, they get so emotional. Two weeks ago, one of the husbands, Ed, was sent home. The next week his wife, Heba, kept saying,"I lost my husband last week." No, Heba Filter, you didn't LOSE your husband. He's at home, eating carrots and drinking lots of water and trying to lose weight. I hope you're voted off next week.

OK, time for bed. BTW, it's my 101st post.

Butterflies

2008-10-18T18:47:00.005-05:00

DH's aunt made this wonderful wall hanging for us. It reads, " A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam, And for a brief moment its glory & beauty belong to our world. And though we wished it could have stayed, We feel so lucky to have seen it."

A few weeks ago I bought some metal butterflies to hang in the guest bedroom. Friday I bought two blue beaded butterflies to hang on our family Christmas tree. (There will be several other butterflies on Sara's tree.)

A few days ago, I learned of another young couple who live nearby, friends of B's, who lost their 3 year old son. My heart breaks for them. He was very sick, but saying good-bye is always hard.

Happy Birthday Ethan!!

2008-10-13T12:08:00.003-05:00

On Saturday we invited family & friends over to celebrate Ethan's 1st birthday. It was a beautiful day. He had fun playing with his cupcake. He had icing all over his face & arms; I had to give him a quick shower & change clothes before we could open his mountain of gifts.

I had light a pink candle for Sara, it was burning in the kitchen throughout the party. DH & I commented later on seeing butterflies flying around the backyard.

If I don't post for a few days, don't worry. I'm feeling overwhelmed by my class right now. I have to come up with an exam, homework assignments and do some on-line training of my own. The hard part is doing all of this while Ethan naps or at least plays by himself.

Have a good week!

Remembering...

2008-10-05T23:07:00.003-05:00

Thinking of my friend B. How very quickly the past two years have gone by. How our lives have changed. I know our baby girls are together, watching over us and their new siblings. Love you!!

I should be in bed but I don't know where to go.
DH & I have both been feeling icky this week, sore throats. I feel fine now. This morning we brought flowers to church in honor of Sara (B also brought flowers in honor of her daughter). Roughly 30 minutes into the service I could tell DH wasn't feeling well. So I suggested we leave. We picked up some medicine on the drive home and he's been resting most of the day. He had a fever, achy, etc... Ethan wanted to play with his Daddy so much, but we didn't want him to get sick.

I told DH that I would sleep in the guest bedroom, closer to Ethan's room and our bed is already full of cooties. But now I don't want to. There's no TV in the guest bedroom nor adequate light for reading. Maybe I'll sleep on the couch.

Oct 2 Recap

2008-10-04T09:26:00.003-05:00

I received many cards, emails and phone calls and for those, I am thankful.

While Ethan took his morning nap, DH & I went through Sara's things. That was the hardest part of the day. Touching things she touched, her blanket, the snips of her hair, the untouched photos of our precious daughter. She existed!!

For lunch we picked up sandwiches, packed food for Ethan and went to a park for a picnic. It was a beautiful day, we saw several butterflies. It was very peaceful.

That evening we went to my parents' house for dinner & pink cupcakes. We released balloons at sunset. At one point, the balloons formed a 'S'. They were too far away to get a decent picture.

During dinner my 5 y.o. nephew said, "Tonight is sad." He also said, "There are two birthdays today." I'm sure he's just repeating things his parents said, I don't want to upset him by questioning him. I hope we'll continue this tradition for my nephews, my parents, Ethan, for DH & me.

I received several emails from family & friends thanking me for the seeds and to say they were thinking of Sara & me, DH & Ethan. I thanked them for thinking of Sara. That's what this is all about isn't it??

One friend said that her 4 y.o. daughter planted the seeds and said, "These seeds are special." Why? "I don't know, they're just special." Yes, Sweetie, they are special.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

2008-10-01T08:21:00.004-05:00

For Monica and her grandmother.

Birthday Wishes

2008-09-30T11:37:00.005-05:00

Two years ago, in the early afternoon of October 2, my wonderful husband & I drove to my dr's office, naively believing that our lives were perfect, that we would soon hold our daughter. Instead our world came crashing down. We did hold our daughter, only to tell her how much we love her and will always remember her and to say good-bye.
It was also my 33rd birthday.

I'm ashamed to admit this, but I hate that Sara died on my birthday. It's such a small part of the story, it doesn't matter what day - she is gone. But everyone celebrates their birthday in some way, even if it's just a private dinner with your closest family or you just splurge on yourself. I just want to feel somewhat normal on one day and I can't do that. If Sara were alive, I would be so obnoxious about the 2 of us sharing a birthday. Instead, I'd rather ignore the day. I can't do that either, it's Sara's special day.

Not many people ask what I want for my birthday, but it doesn't matter. My heart is screaming, "I just want Sara." I know that's not possible. No other gift can measure up. I do appreciate any gift that I receive, but I could do without the cheerful gift wrap and other signs of celebration. I can't celebrate. There's a hole in my heart that won't heal.

Last year, we had a plan for Oct. 2 - we went to the hospital where Sara was delivered, we left a care package for the next couple who has a loss, we went to the jewelry store for a new charm. I already have my charm for this year, the motherhood charm. We'll go over to my parents for dinner/dessert/a balloon release. During the day, we'll probably go through Sara's things - her pictures, the cards, her blanket. I'll finish decorating the cupcakes for dessert. But a big part of the day will be spent with Ethan. Ethan, our blessing after losing Sara.

I make a wish list for gifts - more for Christmas or anniversaries - I'm OK with those days. I still think of Sara & reflect on our lives, but it doesn't hurt as much. I can celebrate others' birthdays. Just not my own.

That said, here are a few things I'd like for my birthday:
A good night's sleep.
A clean house, including the wood floors buffed.
A third arm, so I can hold Ethan & do other things.
To lose the last 15 pounds of pregnancy weight.
A peaceful day.

Christmas Cards

2008-09-29T14:04:00.002-05:00

Earlier today, DH's grandmother called to RSVP to Ethan's birthday party. She said she also had a question, I figured she wanted to know what size clothes Ethan wore or other gift suggestions.

DH's grandparents have made their own Christmas cards since they got married in 1950.
I'm blown away by that. Now you can go to any craft store or on-line and buy any supplies to make a card. But they started out cutting out everything by hand. Take that, Martha!!

So DH's grandmother asked if they could make this year's card be in memory of Sara. I was so touched. I started crying before she could finish the sentence. I can't wait to see the Christmas card. I hope we get a sneak peek at Thanksgiving.

Weekend

2008-09-29T08:46:00.002-05:00

Dh & I went to a fund-raiser dinner Saturday night - all you can eat shrimp. I think we hurt ourselves. We left Ethan with my parents. We were asked several times at the dinner - where was Ethan? Next time we'll bring him.

One of my family members was at the dinner. Within the past few years she helped open a maternity house - a safe place for single, pregnant teens to go. My cousin adopted her 2 children through a maternity house. The teens don't have to place their babies for adoption, but they have to plan - either place for adoption or be a good parent.

I'm really moved by this. You would think after losing Sara, there would be some jealous for these teenaged girls - pregnant when they have no business being pregnant. I'm looking past them & focusing on the babies that hopefully will be placed for adoption. Through our support groups and blogland, I've learned of so many couples who have turned to adoption. My cousin is playing a role in families being able to adopt a healthy baby. I told her that I would like to help with their fundraising later this year.

Ethan is thisclose to walking. He'll stand by himself for several seconds or walk while someone holds his hand. I put out my fall/Halloween decorations, including a jack-o-latern bucket. DH came walking through the dining room, holding Ethan's hand. In Ethan's other hand, he was clutching that bucket. He's ready to go trick-or-treating!!

Reschedule

2008-09-25T11:05:00.002-05:00

I started my period last night, a couple of days early, so I had to reschedule my dr's appt for early November.

I'm relieved a bit. I'm tired & emotional, I don't need to sit in a waiting room surrounded by pregnant women a week before Sara's day. I'll get through October and then go.

Mixed Emotions

2008-09-24T13:25:00.004-05:00

Like I started in my last post, these next few weeks are full of mixed emotions. The things I'm looking forward to, I'm also dreading.

Tomorrow is my dr's appt. I completed the new patient forms. I wrote a few sentences about losing Sara. There was a grid to complete with the birth info of my living children. I put Ethan's info in the column for the 2nd child. OK so I'm not exactly looking forward to the dr's appt, but it has to be done at some point. I'm feeling anxious about it. I haven't had one of those horrible raw-pain kind of days in quite a while. I can feel it building though, especially with Sara's day coming up quickly. I'm afraid that going to the dr's office is going to be like pulling off the scab. I'm almost sure it will upset me to talk about her. I'm preparing myself for the worst, hoping for the best.

After the appt., we'll be running some errands, picking up stuff for Ethan's party. I am looking forward to that, but it makes me a little sad that I'll never throw a princess party for Sara. Please don't suggest that I can buy the glittery pink decorations for her birthday. I'm not comfortable with that. I can decorate pink cupcakes, release balloons, make public memorials for her, but I can't buy decorations for a little girl's birthday party.

So we're just over a week away from Sara's day. I plan to bake cupcakes to share with family & release balloons. I'm looking forward to just think about her, to take time out of our schedules and focus on Sara Elizabeth. I know it will be sad. Just having Ethan makes it a little more bittersweet. I know now what we lost, not just a baby, but all of the experiences we've had with Ethan already.

Ethan also brings us so much joy. He cutting more teeth and we haven't slept well this week. But no matter how fussy and grumpy any of us are, I wouldn't trade him for the world.

This morning DH & I met a couple who had 5 children including a set of twins. We mentioned that we have an 11 month old son. The wife asked if we plan to have more. I said no. Right away, she asked, "Why not?" I'm sure she had her arguments ready, they had 5 children, everyone should have a herd of children. I answered, "We lost our first daughter, I can't go through that (meaning the nerve-wracking pregnancy) again." The room was silent. In a mean way, it felt good. The wife was kinda a bitch, little snide comments here & there. She asked, she just wasn't prepared for the answer.

Time flies by

2008-09-21T21:22:00.002-05:00

I can't believe it's almost the end of September. My class has their first exam this week. While they take the exam, I'll be working on the homework assignment for the next 2 chapters - which they'll start the following week.

I have my doctor's appt later this week. fun. I usually don't mind physical exams, it's the emotional side I'm dreading.

A friend asked me a few days ago if the weather was reminding me of being pregnant. I haven't really felt that way. I think it's because we live in a different house and town than when I was pregnant. I'm not driving around town thinking, "I used to eat there all the time when I was pregnant." We're in a different setting, so I don't relate my pregnancies with this town.

After the doctor's appt, we will run errands - buying a charm for my bracelet, buying supplies for Ethan's party. That's been a reminder. Sara's and Ethan's birthdays are just 9 days apart. I should be planning Sara's 2nd birthday party, instead, it's Ethan's first. I am sending out the packets of seeds soon. We'll have dinner & dessert with family & release balloons on the 2nd. So we'll honor & remember Sara.

Their birthdays will always be entwined. I can't believe it's almost been 2 years since we lost our Sara. How time flies. or is it "time slips away"?

I'll write more another time, I'm worn out.

Anxious

2008-09-12T14:45:00.002-05:00

I'm feeling anxious today. We live in Texas, not near the coast, but we'll get rain & wind, possibly up to 60 mph. We live in a 100 year old house. I have mixed feelings about that. Yes, it's 100 years old - it's survived other bad storms. Some of the windows still have the original glass. Well, I'm not sure if it's really original, but it's old, thick glass.

We have lots of big trees around our house. I'm nervous that one of them will blow over onto our house or send limbs flying around doing damage.

We don't have any interior rooms. All of the rooms, bathrooms included, have windows. For my peace of mind, Ethan will sleep in our room tonight. DH's office is on our property & it's on a concrete foundation, not pier & beam. It has 2 small windows, so if need be, we can hide out in there for a while.

I watched the damage that Katrina did on the TV. I know we're not in that situation. I remember feeling depressed after watching it. I've tried to prepare as best we can - water, canned food, batteries & such.

I've lived in Texas all my life, and this is the first time I recall feeling so anxious. What has changed? I'm a Mommy now. I can't bear the thought of anything happening to Ethan or to DH or myself. We have to take care of him.

BTW - I think I found what to write inside the greeting cards - what do you think?

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.
- Irish Proverb"

Helping w/wording?

2008-09-10T13:03:00.002-05:00

To honor Sara this year, I bought packets of seeds & will give them to family & friends. I printed out labels that read " Sara Elizabeth, October 2, 2006, When the flowers bloom & the butterflies arrive, please think of her."
I'm tucking them inside greeting cards before mailing, the seed packets were flimsy just inside an envelope. I want to write something on the blank greeting card. For some people it's easy - they continue to honor Sara and I can acknowledge that. But other people we don't see or talk to often - distant family/old friends. I need a general message, just a sentence or 2. Any suggestions?

The past few days...

2008-09-09T10:30:00.003-05:00

Well, I survived the garage sale. We sold all the big items - strollers, bouncers, etc... Lots of baby boy & maternity clothes, but there still seemed to be a lot of that. I didn't cry! I came across a pair of tiny navy blue pants that Ethan wore. I can't believe how much he has grown!

People will buy/take anything. The previous owners of our house left a FryDaddy with grease in it. I put a FREE sign on it & someone took it!! We made a nice sum of money. I set it aside to help pay for a new dishwasher.

Sunday at church Ethan was restless, so I took him to the nursery, hoping he would nap. Nope, he wanted to play. Sitting there watching him play, I thought about Sara & cried a few tears. I took him to the play room where other toddlers were playing/watching videos. I made it back in time for the sermon. The sermon was about life being not what we planned. We know old people die, but young children aren't supposed to. But the preacher's sister died when she was 2 days old. I was already thinking of Sara, I sat there with my head on DH's shoulder & cried for her.

The past 2 nights I've had dreams regarding Sara. She rarely shows up in my dreams.
In the first I dreamed that I was alone in a conference room thinking about Sara and suddenly a group of other parents appeared, they too had lost babies. I just happened to choose the conference room that they met in.

Oh man! Now I forgot my second dream. I started this entry on Tuesday, saved the draft, came back today and I've forgotten my second dream.

I started teaching an English class at the local community college. I'm really enjoying it. I hope the students take away a better understanding of grammar. Most of the students are a little older, not 18 year olds. But I didn't know any of them before this semester. They don't know me as the woman who lost a baby. They just know me as the English instructor with a goofy sense of humor. I kinda (Yes I teach English, but use 'kinda')like that. To them I'm normal. One of the students is pregnant and so far, it hasn't bothered me. Sure I think about Sara sometimes in class, but I haven't mentioned her.

Pink Rose Award

2008-09-08T09:53:00.004-05:00

I read the story behind this award and was inspired by it.

I have quite a few Pink Roses IRL - Monica, Monica, Lori and B. To Monica for being pregnant with Andy while I was pregnant with Ethan. You were a lifesaver many times! Your wit & humor helped me very often. To Monica H. for always knowing the perfect way to honor Sara as well as enjoying Ethan and for your yummy baked goods! For Lori for listening to us vent and cry during support group. To B. - for living near by. I'll never understand why we lost our beautiful daughters within the same week - such an odd coincidence. But I'm glad to have a familiar person nearby who understands what DH & I are going through.

For all the other parents we've met IRL at our support groups. We couldn't have survived those first few weeks without your kind words. You inspired us to try again.

To my aunt - I'm so sorry for your loss so long ago, but your sweet advice has helped us during the past 2 years.

To all the mothers who have lost their babies. This is such a horrible club to belong to, but you are all such amazing, strong women and mothers! I'm sorry I don't have time to name everyone.

New Patient Registration

2008-08-29T11:39:00.003-05:00

Because we moved, I'm changing my gyno. I'm due for a annual exam soon. I choose a doctor in a larger city, not my small town. I'm a private person in some ways and prefer to be anonymous. I don't want to run into my gyno or her nurses at the grocery store.
I received the new patient forms in the mail today - general stuff, medical history & such. Of course they asked about pregnancies.
Have I ever been pregnant? How many times? How many living children do I have? How many miscarriages or abortions have I had? For each child born living, complete their birth information - weight, vaginal or C-section, etc... They didn't even ask about stillbirths. I'll write an explanation about Sara in the margins. It would come up anyway. Pregnant twice, 1 living child, no miscarriages or abortions, they'd want an explanation.

It just hurts, hurts that I have to explain, hurts that they didn't ask, like a stillbirth doesn't matter. Losing Sara was the reason we induced labor early with Ethan and they would probably ask about that. Hurts that I'm not normal.

It's almost been 2 years since we lost Sara and today a seemingly simple form from a doctor's office is bringing up a lot of pain.

New Photo

2008-08-28T20:05:00.002-05:00

I changed the photo on my blog. I wanted something that represented Sara & our love for her. I was probably 36 weeks pregnant with Sara when we took that picture. I planned to use it for her birth announcement. I used rubber stamps and pink ink, spelling out "Baby Love" across the top of folded cards and then mounted this picture below it. I had the envelopes addressed. I just needed a picture of Sara and her birth information and they'd be ready to go. Instead I gave a few close family members this picture and a small black & white photo of Sara.

Garage Sale

2008-08-25T15:49:00.003-05:00

My sister has 2 little boys, so Ethan received a lot of their hand-me-downs. Together we have A LOT of baby stuff - clothes, car seats, swings, toys, maternity clothes. So we decided to have a garage sale. Neither plan to have any more children.

The boxes are taking over my guest bedroom, the bigger gear is stacking up in the garage. The garage sale isn't until September.

I was going through stuff, starting to price it. I reflected on buying some of the maternity clothes when I was pregnant with Sara, others I borrowed from my sister. I had given back my sister the shirt I was wearing the day we lost Sara. I didn't want to see it again. But I know it may pop up at the sale. Also I may see the dress I wore to my nephew's baptism. I was 7 months pregnant & borrowed a black, red & white dress. I wore that dress again to Sara's memorial service. I don't want those items back. They bring back such sadness. I can remember that sadness without an article of clothing to bring it back.

I went through clothes that Ethan has outgrown. I kept a few special pieces, pieces that I bought for Sara, but Ethan wore (just neutral stuff, no girly-pink stuff for my little man.), things to show Ethan's future wife when they are expecting. "Look how tiny he was!"

Don't worry, Sara's things are neatly packed in a storage tub and that is under the guest bed.

I'm organizer by trade and personality. I really get the idea that you don't need to keep things to remember. But there has been a little sadness going through these items which aren't needed in my life anymore. It's OK. I have Ethan in my house and Sara in my heart.

This week...

2008-08-14T11:14:00.005-05:00

Monday night my friend B & I had dinner with another woman who lost her precious daughter. Her name is Sara, her daughter is L. B, Sara & I all grew up within roughly 30 miles of each other, although Sara lives a few hours away now. We have all been emailing each other and knew Sara would be visiting family, so we decided to get together. I'm sure to other people at the restaurant, we just looked like 3 women having a serious conversation. How surprised they would be to know our common bond.

Tuesday evening I called my cousin N. He was my aunt & uncle's baby after a loss 35+ years ago. He admitted that his family didn't talk much about his brother, but he often thought about Keith. N remembers being told to be thankful for his life, because Keith had died. N didn't take to meaning he should feel guilty, but instead grateful. He told me that when school or sports were hard, he reminded himself of his brother that didn't get to experience those things and N was able to. I wanted to talk to N because I wanted his point of view as the baby after a loss, N said he thought we would parent Ethan fairly and Sara would be remembered because I was calling, asking for his input when Ethan was even 1 year old.

Wednesday morning I lit a candle for Jimmy. I thought about how 2 years have quickly passed. How Andy brings joy to his Mommy & Daddy and Jimmy will always be remembered.
I babysat for my 5 y.o. nephew. He will start kindergarten in a few weeks, so we practiced his math skills by baking cookies. DH and his band practiced at our house. DH smoked a brisket, everyone joined us for dinner. Isn't that what life is about? Family, friends and cookies.

Thursday has been a quiet day - cleaning up after the big dinner, running errands.

Friday morning I will light a candle for Baby Sam.

"Life Is Good"

2008-08-07T09:50:00.002-05:00

My family took a little vacation to San Antonio for a few days. DH, Ethan & I went into a Life is Good store. They have some cute t-shirts, esp. the Monkey and Peanut . We didn't buy anything. I felt like if I bought a shirt with just the company's motto on it, I'd have to add a footnote. "Life is good. (Except that I miss my Sara everyday and will continue to do so. Please remember her.)"
Ethan flirted with the sales associate there and she gave him a balloon on a string. He was so delighted by this yellow balloon bouncing above him.

The next day we went to SeaWorld. DH & my father were in the front seat, my mother, Ethan & I were in the back seat. Ethan fell asleep on the drive to the park. He is so beautiful when he sleeps. I watched my mother watch him, she started to tear up. I reached across and rubbed her arm. "It's OK, we will always miss her."

Life IS good. (Except that I miss my Sara everyday and will continue to do so. Please remember her.)

UGH

2008-07-30T14:32:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I started my period. It's been nice not having one. My last period was in January 2007!!
Today I'm feeling weepy, nothing's really set me off, just hormones. Damn hormones. And I keep snacking. Damn hormones!

Ethan has had a runny nose for a few days, he's not sleeping well, so neither am I. He's taken 2 15 minutes so far today. When I hold him, he snuggles into my neck. I know he's wiping snot on my hair. Oh well that's what shampoo is for.

How old are you now?

2008-07-21T14:15:00.003-05:00

Yesterday we went to a family reunion. I was telling a story about another cousin Amy being mistaken for my mother; a stranger thought Amy & I were mother & daughter. I commented "She's like just 3 years older than me." My sister corrected me, Amy is more than 3 years older than me. OK Technically she is 4.5 years older, it's not I was thinking 3 years & she's really 15 years older. Amy's brother said, "Yeah Amy's going to be 40 this year." I said,"Oh is she that old?" Another relative, who is 40+(?) sarcastically said,"Thanks a lot." Then they were teasing me for sticking my foot in my mouth. But the thing is I have to truly remind myself how old I am. I 'think' I'm 32, like I'm stuck at 32. I'm 34. I didn't really 'celebrate' my 33rd or 34th bithdays. I know I've received cards and gifts for those birthdays, but Sara's death is ALWAYS the first thing I think of now for October 2. I remember DH's grandparents mailed a package to me for my 33rd birthday. My mother-in-law had to intercept it, take out the baby realted gifts and gave me the safe one.

So how old do YOU 'think' you are?

The Church of Will.ie Nel.son

2008-07-18T14:14:00.005-05:00

Like any good Texan, I love Will.ie Nel.son. DH & I danced to "Blue Skies" at our wedding. I have a picture of Will.ie in the guest bathroom.

Recently I read his book, "The Tao of Will.ie." It was spiritual and some just plain old common sense for having a happy life. I felt peaceful reading it. One of the chapters reminded me of my friend Monica's recent blog about standing still. Will.ie wrote a song, "St!ll !s St!ll Mov!ing to me."

http://stillisstillmoving.com/?cat=35
I hope the link works, scroll down a bit for the lyrics and the short chapter.

Ethan had his wellness check on Thursday. He weighed 23lb, 14 oz and was 30 inches long. I think the length is off. We measured him at home with a yardstick, it looked more like 28 inches.

Facts of Life

2008-07-08T15:52:00.004-05:00

"You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life."

In the last few weeks, while poking around in gift/antique shops, I've come across 2 books about talking to children about grief & death. I didn't buy either of them. I know at some point we'll have that talk with Ethan. Already I talk about Sara to him, I point out her picture and just refer to her, so he's used to hearing her name. Most parents dread the "Where do babies come from?" question. We're facing the "Why do babies die? question. I don't have an answer to that, how am I supposed to explain to a child?

We did it!!

2008-06-28T12:46:00.003-05:00

I've spoiled Ethan by letting him nurse to sleep, he's been a bad sleeper, waking once or twice a night & in the last week, waking up every 2-3 hours. It was rough, I was grouchy & making silly mistakes, using the wrong words, etc...My lack of sleep was wearing me down.
Thursday night while I took a bath, Ethan cried. DH tried to soothe him, but Ethan just cried. I cheated, nursed him until he was almost asleep & then put him in bed. He slept through the night!
We had decided earlier this week that Friday night we were going to try to Ferberize him. Around 8:30pm, we fed him, put on PJ's, read a couple of books, general bedtime stuff. A little after 9, we put him in bed. He played in his crib for a few minutes, realized that he was alone & started crying. I stuck to my guns. I followed the method & checked on him at 5, 10, 15 minutes. I would talk to him & rub his back, but couldn't pick him up. By 9:45 he was asleep!!

By 10:15, he was awake & crying. So we started over - rubbing his back & talking to him, but no holding. He went back to sleep within 10 minutes! He woke up maybe twice during the night, but I gave myself permission to not get up with him.

At 7:30 DH got up, Ethan woke up too. DH changed his diaper, put him back in his crib, so he could go to the restroom himself. He went back to Ethan's room & he was asleep! We went out for a breakfast & then to the hardware store. Ethan was getting fussy & sleepy. I fed him a bit & put him down. He's been asleep for 1.5 hours!!

Why did I wait so long to do this??

SARA & swimsuits

2008-06-23T17:14:00.003-05:00

Last year at Sara's birthday, my sister gave me a little sign that she had had embroidered for us. It said " Serving as an Angel, Reigning Above." It's in a picture frame & sits on Ethan's bookcase. This morning I was playing with Ethan & I glanced at the sign. I realized that my sister designed it so Sara's name was there: Serving, Angel, Reigning, & Above are stacked, lining up the first letters. I've been looking at it for almost 9 months & I just now noticed it!

Earlier today Ethan & I were at his water baby class. There was a few students, one was a little girl, 6 months old. She didn't look like Sara, Sara had more hair at birth than this little girl than at 6 months. But this little girl was wearing a pink tu-tu like swimsuit. Very girly, not my style. But I don't even get to make that choice for Sara, those silly, insignificant choices were taken away from me.

Hiding grief?

2008-06-13T10:00:00.004-05:00

A few days ago, I started reading Va.lerie Bertin.elli's autobiography. Her parents lost a baby when he was 17 months old. They had a 4 y.o. son, the 17 month old & the mom was pregnant with Valer.ie. They were visiting a family friend, the toddler got into some poison & died. Heartbreaking. Valer.ie wrote that she didn't even know that there had been another brother until she was a teen! The family didn't talk about him, all of his pictures were put away.
When Valer.ie's grandmother died, her own son was 17 months old. They were at the cemetery, she saw her brother's tombstone, realized he was the same age as her baby she was holding & it hit home - what her parents & family lost.

It made me sad, the parents having to hide their grief, to not even talk about their son. We proudly display Sara's pictures & other mementos around our house. We talk about her. I can't imagine having to hide my emotions. I'm not ashamed to cry in front of people - this is my child we're talking about. I see other people cry for less. I lurk on another message board & I often see people ask for prayers for their pets who are sick or saying how heartbroken they are after the pet dies. I'm a huge animal lover, but really, after losing a baby, I have to roll my eyes a bit. It's a dog.

My grandparents lost a son, my father's younger brother, in a car accident. We never talk about him. I think about him & a cousin who was stillborn 2 years before I was born. (I need to go put flowers on their graves.) I understand what my grandmother & aunt went through, but in this day & age, I can freely talk about my emotions, something neither of them got to do.

Follow-up

2008-06-07T12:21:00.002-05:00

The bigger issue to Ethan still breast-feeding is his ability to go to sleep. He nurses to sleep at night and for naps. A few times, he has fallen asleep in my arms as I sway, rocking him. Earlier today he fell asleep on the couch, cuddled up with me. But when I tried to carry him to his crib, he woke up.

DH's mother is coming to stay with Ethan, so we can go to The Cure concert. I hope he'll wear himself out, dragging himself around the house. I have plenty of breastmilk on hand, plus he eats lots of baby food, I'm not worried about him starving, just that he'll stay awake all night.

I was talking with my friend B. She was telling me about things that she does with her daughter, "spoiling" her. We both agreed it's because we lost our first daughters, our parenting style will be effected.

Confession Time

2008-06-04T07:53:00.002-05:00

At almost 8 months, Ethan is still breast-fed. I planned to nurse him until he was 6 months old. He takes a bottle of breast milk from me very well. He'll drink a 2 oz. bottle of ready-made formula on his own b/c he can hold the bottle by himself. A couple of times a week, I'll make a small bottle of formula in his little bottle that has handles so he can hold it by himself, so he can get used to the taste of formula, but he doesn't finish it. But worse, I don't stick with it. I don't want Ethan to cry, I know he's comforted by having me to cuddle with. I know it's because I lost Sara I'm spoiling my son. I always give in to him.

Don't get me wrong, I know all the benefits of breast-feeding, but I'd like to return to work in a few months, I can't still be nursing then. I want to be able to leave him with family, friends, a sitter and know that he will eat well. A couple of weeks ago, he spent the night with my parents. He ate the baby food and drank breast milk that I sent along, but not the formula. Part of me is frustrated - why didn't I introduce formula at an earlier age? The other part of me says it'll be OK, enjoy this time with him.

Care to share any stories of weaning your babies?

Memorial Day

2008-05-28T11:24:00.002-05:00

On Monday, DH received a phone call - one of his coworkers lost his 16 year old daughter in a car accident on Sunday. I think I met this coworker once at a holiday party, but not his daughter. Still my heart aches for this family, such a tragedy. I understand the pain of losing a child too soon. I know they wish they could see her one more time, to hold her one more time, to stroke her hair, to kiss her cheek.

The family created a slide show of pictures of their daughter. I was a little jealous, all of the memories they have of their precious daughter, memories I'll never be able to create with my Sara.

Mother's Day

2008-05-12T14:57:00.003-05:00

Mother's Day was nice. I was able to sleep in a bit - which is always a welcome gift. DH made bacon & eggs for breakfast for us. I was given a bird bath - it's ceramic with blue butterflies around the rim. Ethan 'signed' a card for me - with his hand print. There were also butterflies on the card.
We worked around the house, unpacking a few boxes, clearing out the garage, hung some pictures - getting settled into our house. DH made dinner for me - bacon wrapped shrimp & shark, asparagus, wine & a berry cobbler.

It was a peaceful, bittersweet day, my first Mother's Day with a live baby in my arms.

Ethan's Baptism II

2008-05-09T14:27:00.003-05:00

My friend B & her daughter D. and me & Ethan at their baptism.

Movie Review

2008-05-01T20:31:00.002-05:00

Last night Dh & I watched Jun.o. We knew what the basic plot was & still chose to watch it. Overall it was a sweet, witty story, but we knew it could be upsetting, it was about a pregnant girl afterall.

Near the end, there was a scene - the girl & her boyfriend were laying in the hospital bed together, the baby had been born but wasn't in the room with them. (I don't want to ruin the story for anyone who wants to see it.) Just that image brought DH & me back to the night we lost Sara - the 2 of us holding each other in a hospital bed, crying, I was no longer pregnant, we were heart-broken.

New House & Ethan

2008-04-28T10:09:00.004-05:00

The front door

Ethan's closet/bookcase

The lock inside the guest bedroom closet

Ethan!

Busy, busy

2008-04-26T21:18:00.002-05:00

Monica tagged me - 10 things that are keeping me busy.

1. Trying to sell our old house. We'll be going back there tomorrow to repaint, mow...We live 2 hours away from our old house, so it's not like we can just swing by after work to do these chores. I just want it to sell soon.
2. I've also been reading Eat, Pray, Love; also bought it at Cost.co. I'm enjoying it, but I don't have much free time to read.
3. Setting up our new house. There's still a few boxes to unpack & sort everything out, trying to find places to display everything.
4. Choosing paint colors for the kitchen & laundry room.
5. Planning a family vacation - nothing big, just a few days in San Antonio later this summer with my parents, sisters, brothers-in-law & their kids.
6. Exploring my new town. I grew up in this area & I know the general things - the larger stores & things to do. But new stores & cafes have opened, just new things to discover. It's different being here as an adult vs. a child - my mother was very practical & doesn't like to just stroll, poking around in quaint little shops.
7. Trying to lose weight.
8. Trying to meet new friends.
9. Cooking/Baking - DH works at home now, so I make lunches for us. I don't want to get in a rut, just having sandwiches every day. Also I'm trying to make fruits & vegetables for Ethan - cook, puree, freeze.
10. Honoring Sara. Her pictures & other memorials are around the house. It'll be 2 years since she died before I know it.

OK, gotta get ready for bed.

Ethan's Baptism

2008-04-21T15:11:00.003-05:00

On Sunday we had Ethan baptized. It was a very special day because we were able to coordinate with our friends who lost their daughter 4 days after we lost Sara. Their little girl D. is 2.5 months old and was also baptized yesterday. Ethan was a little restless, but was a doll during the baptisms. The preacher began the sermon, saying how this was a special day, to have Ethan & D. baptized together a year & a half after their big sisters passed away, how it was healing for the church to share this day. Unfortunately, I didn't hear much more than that, Ethan got fussy - he was due for a nap, so I had to sneak out to the nursery.

Several people stopped me later, saying how special it was for us to have our babies baptized together. I'm not a very religious person & I won't go into my beliefs here, but I felt like this needed to be done - to introduce our babies to our church, for these people to see our babies, the faith & strength that helped us through the difficult time, that continues to help us.

After church we had separate parties. DH & I just invited our families over for lunch at my aunt's house. It was a beautiful spring day. I had kept the decorations simple - just blue, green & yellow stuff - plates, napkins, cups, tablecloth & cupcakes. But I had a pink candle & pink roses for our Sara. Saturday when we were setting up for the party, I went in to my aunt's kitchen to cut the roses to fit the vase. The radio was on, Clapton's "Tears in Heaven" was playing. I broke down. I understand his lyrics too well.

I miss you Sweet Sara.

Damn Solicitors

2008-04-18T16:52:00.002-05:00

Today I got a phone call from the funeral home that handled Sara's memorial service, of all things. The name didn't come up on caller ID & I didn't recognize the number, so I was completely caught off-guard. The man identified himself as an employee of the funeral home. I stopped breathing for a moment, I just knew he was going to say that they had made a mistake with Sara's ashes. No, he wanted to offer pre-paid funeral arrangements to us. The practical, polite side of me wanted to say,"No, thank you, I no longer live in that city." My emotions overtook me, I could only say, "No, No" & hung up on him. He's probably used to those reactions.

Small Scare

2008-04-14T11:27:00.002-05:00

Over the weekend we went to a family reunion out at a campground roughly 30 minutes from our house. DH camped out, but Ethan & I came back to sleep in our comfy beds.

While we were out there, I sat in my car to nurse Ethan. He started to fall asleep, so I put him in his carseat. His ear was bleeding!! My first thought was, "He didn't fall, why is there blood coming from his ear??" I yelled for DH, who was already walking over just to check in on us. It turns out that Ethan just needs his fingernails clipped, he scratched his ear & then that ear was pressed against me, making it smear & look alot worse.

Another thing that freaks me about this house is the distance from the master bedroom to Ethan's room. In our old house, all the bedrooms were down the same hallway. Now our bedroom is in the front of the house & Ethan's room & the guest bedroom are in the back. We have the monitors set up, but those first few nights, he felt so far away from me. I'm getting better, maybe once all the boxes are out of here & I feel more settled, I won't feel like he's so far away. AND once those boxes are gone, I'll gladly post some pix. I need to take some of Ethan as well.

Our house is full of windows. Unfortunately for our fat cat, the sills are too narrow for him to spread out to bask in the sun. He has to sit upright.

OK, gotta go.

New House & Old House and Ethan's 6 months old

2008-04-13T13:11:00.002-05:00

New House - We have trash pick-up twice a week. We can't put a trash can out, they'll take the can, the City wants the trash just in garbage bags. OK whatever, it's different.

Our mailbox is on the front porch. I know the mailman will freak me out one of these days.

There are still a bunch of boxes to be unpacked. I look forward to Ethan's naps so I can get some work done. I think the essentials are unpacked, just not put in their proper homes.

Old House - is still on the market. I'm so frustrated. I know our house is a nice little house for the price range it's in, but we have some trashy neighbors renting the house across the street & they are not helping us. We could do all sorts of repairs, but those people would still drive away potential buyers. UGH!! I hate this.

Ethan had his 6 month wellness check on Friday. My once little Peanut weighs 20lb, 7oz & is 27 inches long. I like his new pediatrician. He sat down & talked with me about Ethan's development, eating habits, etc...He's not the young hipster we had before our move, but I liked that I wasn't rushed out the door.

OK, I have to go unpack more.