More Sadness

In just over a month, i have learned of 3 families who lost babies. A high school acquaintance recently moved to Africa for a missionary trip.  Their 2 y.o. had an accident and was taken to the hospital.  The little boy seemed to be improving, but he died.  

A friend emailed that she was sorry if she wasn't herself; her best friend's 5 month old baby died.  She didn't have the autopsy results, but they believe he choked on his milk.  I replied back that my heart ached for the family and if there was anything she needed, to let me know.  I don't think my friend knows about Sara.  We just became friends within the past year through our children's day school.  I didn't want my email to become about me. "I lost a baby and I know what they are going through."  I don't like to deny Sara, I just didn't think that was the right time to bring up my story.

Lastly but closest to my heart, my cousin lost her son at 23 weeks.  She was in the hospital on a Thursday  and the baby was still ok.  I kept crocheting his blanket that evening, trying to be positive.  Friday the baby was delivered and he survived for 24 hours.  I was so sad for her.  I know she wants a baby so badly.  Dh & I went to the graveside service.  I brought back s many memories.  My cousin came to Sara's memorial service.  Who would have guessed then that i would be attending her baby's service?  After the service, I returned to work.  I was so sad, I just wanted cry.  Was this how our family felt when Sara died? Just completely helpless.

Knowing these stories though takes me back to the early days after losing Sara.  Wondering how my life would turn out.  Afraid to go out in public because there were just too many reminders.  

Dream Come True

Has anyone read or seen the article about the baby in Argentina?  The doctors thought she was stillborn, (she WAS born 3 months early), she was taken to the morgue.  Twelve hours later her parents were allowed to see her and say good-bye.

Instead they discovered that  their baby was alive.

Who in DeadBabyLand hasn't fantasized that that was how their story turned out.  "This is all a bad dream, my baby is fine and waiting for me."

Blessings

Know what this is?  It's a baby blanket I'm crocheting for my cousin!  After losing twins last summer, she's pregnant again!  This time they are having only one baby.  The baby is due is August, my cousin's birth month - what a wonderful gift!

I've had several thoughts running through my head, nothing earth-shattering or profound, but I've been running around after a busy 4 year old boy and that's more important lately.

Five years

It's currently 4:34am on Oct 3rd. I'm wide awake. Ethan comes to our bed a couple of times a week. Usually I can sleep with him, tonight/this morning, he was rolling all over me. I've been lying in the guest room, trying to sleep for over an hour. It's just not happening. Yesterday October 2nd was the 5 year anniversary of Sara's death. Five years! Five years is a long time to live with a broken heart. The weeks leading up to her days always seem to get jumbled together, I get my days confused. Of course, I plan two parties for my children roughly a week apart, some things get mixed up.

 On Friday, DH & I talked with Ethan, we wanted him to understand why we release balloons to Sara, why Mommy is so sad at this time. He'll be 4 next week. I thinks he wants to understand, but death is such a huge concept, it's difficult for a liitle boy. He asked when Sara would be alive again. Breaks my heart. I think all the talk about a little girl that he couldn't see was overwhelming. On our way home from the balloon release, Ethan asked if we could stop talking about Sara. Perhaps he wanted his mommy to be happy again. He kept wiping away my tears, telling me it was ok. I told him that's it's ok to cry when you're sad.

 For my birthday, I got my birthstone charm for my bracelet. It's right next to my charm of the mother and baby. Ethan says the baby is him and the birthstone is the light that always shines on us. He really makes my heart burst with happiness.

 Sara's balloon release was nice. There were 13 of us there this year. My mother-in-law took flowers to her church in Sara's Memory. DH & I sent 2hibiscus plants to our church, although we didn't attend services. My mother-in-law also bought some milkweed plants, one to plant near Sara's tree and one for our house. Milkweeds attract monarch butterflies. Our little girl is so very loved. I made cupcakes with buttercream icing. I ordered some edible butterflies, so pretty.

My nephew, Ethan, and nephew watching Sara's balloon float away.


 Friday 10/7 This week has turned out to be so emotional. On the 1st, some friends of DH had their daughter. They live across the country, so I know we won't be visiting them, I have been able to buy gifts for her without issues.

 On the 3rd, I took a couple of butterfly cupcakes to my friend. She lost her daughter to SIDS 11/2 years ago. I haven't seen or talked to her for months. We met after she lost her daughter, I sent a card, encouraging her to call if she wanted to talk. But we only talk when I bring my shoes in to be repaired at her shop. She is pregnant again! Due at the end of December. She seems very happy and I'm happy for her.

 That afternoon, I picked up Ethan from day care. His hand was swollen. It wasn't broken or sprained, must be infected. Poor baby had to have blood drawn and get 2 shots in his legs. It could have been serious if I had waited, the infection was already spreading up his arm. I was stressed. Why did this have to happen this week?

 On Thursday 10/6, one of my oldest friends had her daughter. A beautiful little girl. She sent a picture and I held my breath. She delivered at the same hospital that I did. Her little girl was wrapped in a blanket, the same printed blanket that Sara was wrapped in. I am happy for my friend and her family. Just sad for my Sara. Why couldn't she have had a chance?

 We had Ethan's birthday party on the 9th, I can't believe our little boy is already 4!

Baby shower

Today I attended the first baby shower for a little girl since losing Sara. I was lookking forward to seeing friends, the guest of honor, plus a few others. At first we talked about the wildfires around our region in Texas, people we knew who evacuated or even lost their homes. I ate the yummy, beautifully decorated cake. As my friend opened presents, I was able to oh and ah over the little outfits, the soft pink blankets, etc... When I got in my vehicle, I cried. I cried for my Sara. I can't believe it's almost been 5 years that she's been gone. A couple of friends were talking about throwing themselves( they're not pregnant, their children are in elementary - high school) a baby shower, just to open the presents. I mentioned that I wanted to get married again just for the gifts. I thought, that might be a good idea. So many families are having a tough time now, because of the economy or now the wildfires, what if I threw a "baby shower" asking for essentials, we can open them, eat cake, drink wine and then donate the items to families in need. I would organize it in Sara's memory....but it would break my heart at the same time. But that's my life, the very thing that breaks my heart, inspires me to lift up someone else. I'll need to decide something soon. October 2nd is approaching fast, I'm already planning Ethan's 4th (!) birthday party, a day school Fall fund raiser and a family reunion.

Baby gifts

A good friend is pregnant with her first child, a girl. She's registered at t@rget, so I checked out the registry online. I thought to myself" I'll pick out some cute clothes for her.".

Today I went to the store & printed out the registry. When I got to the baby department, I looked over the registry. I found the onesies and gowns and caps, but nothing seemed to match the items on the registry. The descriptions or price didn't match, frustrating. I found a little pink girlie toy and the little mittens so she doesn't scratch herself. I bought some other practical things.

I finished shopping and headed out. This is the first baby gift I bought for a little girl since losing Sara. Driving home, I teared up. I was frustrated not finding the items my friend registered for, but I didn't want to keep looking or browse through other baby girl stuff. I just thought of Sara and all of her little clothes that is packed away, never worn. I couldn't buy other girly things.

I hope I can make it through the baby shower.

As Time Goes By...

When I was roughly two months pregnant with Sara, we went to Boston for a few days. We stopped at a bookstore near H@rv@rd and decided then and there that our baby would have a Cur!ous Ge0rge themed nursery. We bought a stuffed George there. We were able to keep the nursery simple with red and yellow bedding, a few posters. At the baby shower, we received a few toys to decorate the room. Looking back, I was glad that we were able to use the George theme for Ethan after losing Sara. I know other parents struggle with "should we use the same things for a subsequent child?". If we had chosen a pink girly theme, I would have been sad to pack it all away when we were expecting our son. All of the baby gear we choose was gender-neutral, even after we found out that we were having a girl. Her feminine clothes were the only things that we packed away. (they are still under our guest bed.). Ethan used the car seat, stroller, and diaper bag intended for his sister. He's outgrown that first car seat and stroller combo long ago. We still use the diaper bag when we travel overnight. But my little boy is growing up. At three years and nine months, my little man has decided that he has outgrown Cur!ous Ge0rge, he now wants a space bedroom. He has the inflatable planets and glow in the dark stars. Really the only thing left to do is to change out the George posters for some space posters. (and any other accessories we come across.). It's bittersweet knowing my baby is becoming a little boy. I want to encourage his love of space and science, but I might be a little sad when those monkeys finally come down.

I started a scrapbook for Sara when I was pregnant with her. I didn't put much in it - a few pictures of me pregnant, her ultrasound pictures, pictures from the baby shower. Then we lost her. I put a picture of her in the book. I've added poems, symbolic pictures of our trips to Hawaii, balloon releases in her memory, the cakes I bake for our birthday, a picture of DH, Ethan and me at Sara's tree every year - to see how the tree and Ethan are growing. I am happy to say that there are only 3 empty pages left. It's not am end. I'll buy more pages to add to her book, to continue to remember and honor my precious daughter.