The past few days...

Well, I survived the garage sale. We sold all the big items - strollers, bouncers, etc... Lots of baby boy & maternity clothes, but there still seemed to be a lot of that. I didn't cry! I came across a pair of tiny navy blue pants that Ethan wore. I can't believe how much he has grown!

People will buy/take anything. The previous owners of our house left a FryDaddy with grease in it. I put a FREE sign on it & someone took it!! We made a nice sum of money. I set it aside to help pay for a new dishwasher.

Sunday at church Ethan was restless, so I took him to the nursery, hoping he would nap. Nope, he wanted to play. Sitting there watching him play, I thought about Sara & cried a few tears. I took him to the play room where other toddlers were playing/watching videos. I made it back in time for the sermon. The sermon was about life being not what we planned. We know old people die, but young children aren't supposed to. But the preacher's sister died when she was 2 days old. I was already thinking of Sara, I sat there with my head on DH's shoulder & cried for her.

The past 2 nights I've had dreams regarding Sara. She rarely shows up in my dreams.
In the first I dreamed that I was alone in a conference room thinking about Sara and suddenly a group of other parents appeared, they too had lost babies. I just happened to choose the conference room that they met in.

Oh man! Now I forgot my second dream. I started this entry on Tuesday, saved the draft, came back today and I've forgotten my second dream.

I started teaching an English class at the local community college. I'm really enjoying it. I hope the students take away a better understanding of grammar. Most of the students are a little older, not 18 year olds. But I didn't know any of them before this semester. They don't know me as the woman who lost a baby. They just know me as the English instructor with a goofy sense of humor. I kinda (Yes I teach English, but use 'kinda')like that. To them I'm normal. One of the students is pregnant and so far, it hasn't bothered me. Sure I think about Sara sometimes in class, but I haven't mentioned her.

Pink Rose Award

I read the story behind this award and was inspired by it.

I have quite a few Pink Roses IRL - Monica, Monica, Lori and B. To Monica for being pregnant with Andy while I was pregnant with Ethan. You were a lifesaver many times! Your wit & humor helped me very often. To Monica H. for always knowing the perfect way to honor Sara as well as enjoying Ethan and for your yummy baked goods! For Lori for listening to us vent and cry during support group. To B. - for living near by. I'll never understand why we lost our beautiful daughters within the same week - such an odd coincidence. But I'm glad to have a familiar person nearby who understands what DH & I are going through.

For all the other parents we've met IRL at our support groups. We couldn't have survived those first few weeks without your kind words. You inspired us to try again.

To my aunt - I'm so sorry for your loss so long ago, but your sweet advice has helped us during the past 2 years.

To all the mothers who have lost their babies. This is such a horrible club to belong to, but you are all such amazing, strong women and mothers! I'm sorry I don't have time to name everyone.

New Patient Registration

Because we moved, I'm changing my gyno. I'm due for a annual exam soon. I choose a doctor in a larger city, not my small town. I'm a private person in some ways and prefer to be anonymous. I don't want to run into my gyno or her nurses at the grocery store.
I received the new patient forms in the mail today - general stuff, medical history & such. Of course they asked about pregnancies.
Have I ever been pregnant? How many times? How many living children do I have? How many miscarriages or abortions have I had? For each child born living, complete their birth information - weight, vaginal or C-section, etc... They didn't even ask about stillbirths. I'll write an explanation about Sara in the margins. It would come up anyway. Pregnant twice, 1 living child, no miscarriages or abortions, they'd want an explanation.

It just hurts, hurts that I have to explain, hurts that they didn't ask, like a stillbirth doesn't matter. Losing Sara was the reason we induced labor early with Ethan and they would probably ask about that. Hurts that I'm not normal.

It's almost been 2 years since we lost Sara and today a seemingly simple form from a doctor's office is bringing up a lot of pain.

New Photo

I changed the photo on my blog. I wanted something that represented Sara & our love for her. I was probably 36 weeks pregnant with Sara when we took that picture. I planned to use it for her birth announcement. I used rubber stamps and pink ink, spelling out "Baby Love" across the top of folded cards and then mounted this picture below it. I had the envelopes addressed. I just needed a picture of Sara and her birth information and they'd be ready to go. Instead I gave a few close family members this picture and a small black & white photo of Sara.

Garage Sale

My sister has 2 little boys, so Ethan received a lot of their hand-me-downs. Together we have A LOT of baby stuff - clothes, car seats, swings, toys, maternity clothes. So we decided to have a garage sale. Neither plan to have any more children.

The boxes are taking over my guest bedroom, the bigger gear is stacking up in the garage. The garage sale isn't until September.

I was going through stuff, starting to price it. I reflected on buying some of the maternity clothes when I was pregnant with Sara, others I borrowed from my sister. I had given back my sister the shirt I was wearing the day we lost Sara. I didn't want to see it again. But I know it may pop up at the sale. Also I may see the dress I wore to my nephew's baptism. I was 7 months pregnant & borrowed a black, red & white dress. I wore that dress again to Sara's memorial service. I don't want those items back. They bring back such sadness. I can remember that sadness without an article of clothing to bring it back.

I went through clothes that Ethan has outgrown. I kept a few special pieces, pieces that I bought for Sara, but Ethan wore (just neutral stuff, no girly-pink stuff for my little man.), things to show Ethan's future wife when they are expecting. "Look how tiny he was!"

Don't worry, Sara's things are neatly packed in a storage tub and that is under the guest bed.

I'm organizer by trade and personality. I really get the idea that you don't need to keep things to remember. But there has been a little sadness going through these items which aren't needed in my life anymore. It's OK. I have Ethan in my house and Sara in my heart.

This week...

Monday night my friend B & I had dinner with another woman who lost her precious daughter. Her name is Sara, her daughter is L. B, Sara & I all grew up within roughly 30 miles of each other, although Sara lives a few hours away now. We have all been emailing each other and knew Sara would be visiting family, so we decided to get together. I'm sure to other people at the restaurant, we just looked like 3 women having a serious conversation. How surprised they would be to know our common bond.

Tuesday evening I called my cousin N. He was my aunt & uncle's baby after a loss 35+ years ago. He admitted that his family didn't talk much about his brother, but he often thought about Keith. N remembers being told to be thankful for his life, because Keith had died. N didn't take to meaning he should feel guilty, but instead grateful. He told me that when school or sports were hard, he reminded himself of his brother that didn't get to experience those things and N was able to. I wanted to talk to N because I wanted his point of view as the baby after a loss, N said he thought we would parent Ethan fairly and Sara would be remembered because I was calling, asking for his input when Ethan was even 1 year old.

Wednesday morning I lit a candle for Jimmy. I thought about how 2 years have quickly passed. How Andy brings joy to his Mommy & Daddy and Jimmy will always be remembered.
I babysat for my 5 y.o. nephew. He will start kindergarten in a few weeks, so we practiced his math skills by baking cookies. DH and his band practiced at our house. DH smoked a brisket, everyone joined us for dinner. Isn't that what life is about? Family, friends and cookies.


Thursday has been a quiet day - cleaning up after the big dinner, running errands.

Friday morning I will light a candle for Baby Sam.

"Life Is Good"

My family took a little vacation to San Antonio for a few days. DH, Ethan & I went into a Life is Good store. They have some cute t-shirts, esp. the Monkey and Peanut . We didn't buy anything. I felt like if I bought a shirt with just the company's motto on it, I'd have to add a footnote. "Life is good. (Except that I miss my Sara everyday and will continue to do so. Please remember her.)"
Ethan flirted with the sales associate there and she gave him a balloon on a string. He was so delighted by this yellow balloon bouncing above him.

The next day we went to SeaWorld. DH & my father were in the front seat, my mother, Ethan & I were in the back seat. Ethan fell asleep on the drive to the park. He is so beautiful when he sleeps. I watched my mother watch him, she started to tear up. I reached across and rubbed her arm. "It's OK, we will always miss her."

Life IS good. (Except that I miss my Sara everyday and will continue to do so. Please remember her.)