Today I received an email from a member of one of my old support groups, she & her family moved about the same time my family moved. She had a baby boy today - her baby after a loss, after numerous tries. I'm overjoyed for this family.
Today I also received an email from an old friend - her younger brother died today. About 12 years ago, when he was 12, he suddenly become very sick. The doctors belive it was a virus. G could barely talk; eating & swimming have been his only pleasures for the past 12 years. My heart aches for this family.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Always on my mind...
You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories.
- Stanislaw J. Lec ( Polish author)
I haven't posted in a while, but Sara and all of the other lost babies are on my mind. Wednesday Ethan & I went over to my sister's house. Ethan played in the sprinkler with his cousins. The 3 of them get along so well. The younger of the 2 cousins is about 1 year and 4 months older than Ethan. He's thin while Ethan is solid, a big boy. We often comment on Ethan & Justin - comparing their sizes. I can't help but think that there should be a little girl just 4 months younger than Justin running around, laughing as the sprinkler splashes her too.
- Stanislaw J. Lec ( Polish author)
I haven't posted in a while, but Sara and all of the other lost babies are on my mind. Wednesday Ethan & I went over to my sister's house. Ethan played in the sprinkler with his cousins. The 3 of them get along so well. The younger of the 2 cousins is about 1 year and 4 months older than Ethan. He's thin while Ethan is solid, a big boy. We often comment on Ethan & Justin - comparing their sizes. I can't help but think that there should be a little girl just 4 months younger than Justin running around, laughing as the sprinkler splashes her too.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Weekend
DH & I went out of town for the weekend. His band was playing at a wedding, few friends of ours were attending as guests, so I was able to tag along, had cake & wine. : )
The wedding was held in a quaint little town in the Texas Hill Country. I was able to go poke around the cute little shops while the band set up for the reception. For the past 2 years I've been carrying around a tiny picture of Sara in my wallet. I recently bought a new wallet & I didn't want to lose this picture, so it was just propped up against a larger picture frame. While in one of the shops, I came across a tiny picture frame - the perfect size for the tiny picture of Sara. Plus it has a 3-D butterfly on it. I snatched it up right away.
At another shop, the shopkeeper was wearing a T-shirt for a butterfly festival. I asked him about it. It so happened that the butterfly festival was happening that day! Earlier in the morning, 100's of butterflies were released! Sounds amazing. (By this time, most of the shops were closing up, so I didn't get to experience the festival.) Later I found a local magazine and there was an article about the butterfly festival. Families and organizations could sponsor a caterpillar/butterfly cage. When the butterflies are released, the ones that are in memory of community children who died are released first.
DH has been with this band for roughly a year now. He didn't know his bandmates until we moved here. They were introduced by mutual friends. On Saturday while I was shopping, DH was hanging out with one of his bandmates. The bandmate mentioned a trip he had taken to Hawaii and that leads DH to share our story of Hawaii and Sara and Ethan. The bandmate (who is 59) shared his story - his oldest daughter had a stillbirth. DH felt like the bandmate didn't want to talk much more about it, so he didn't pressure him - so I don't have any other details to share.
Last week I read a memoir - The Long.est Ro/ad H0me. It's by the guy who wrote "M@rley @and M.e" His parents had a stillbirth. This was in the 50's. His mother was put under, she wasn't even alert for the delivery. She thought eveything was fine. When she woke up, excited to meet her daughter, her husband had to break the news that they had lost the baby. I can not imagine.
Before losing Sara, I don't recall hearing stories or reading books where the parents had a stillbirth. Now they seem to pop up even when I'm not looking.
The wedding was held in a quaint little town in the Texas Hill Country. I was able to go poke around the cute little shops while the band set up for the reception. For the past 2 years I've been carrying around a tiny picture of Sara in my wallet. I recently bought a new wallet & I didn't want to lose this picture, so it was just propped up against a larger picture frame. While in one of the shops, I came across a tiny picture frame - the perfect size for the tiny picture of Sara. Plus it has a 3-D butterfly on it. I snatched it up right away.
At another shop, the shopkeeper was wearing a T-shirt for a butterfly festival. I asked him about it. It so happened that the butterfly festival was happening that day! Earlier in the morning, 100's of butterflies were released! Sounds amazing. (By this time, most of the shops were closing up, so I didn't get to experience the festival.) Later I found a local magazine and there was an article about the butterfly festival. Families and organizations could sponsor a caterpillar/butterfly cage. When the butterflies are released, the ones that are in memory of community children who died are released first.
DH has been with this band for roughly a year now. He didn't know his bandmates until we moved here. They were introduced by mutual friends. On Saturday while I was shopping, DH was hanging out with one of his bandmates. The bandmate mentioned a trip he had taken to Hawaii and that leads DH to share our story of Hawaii and Sara and Ethan. The bandmate (who is 59) shared his story - his oldest daughter had a stillbirth. DH felt like the bandmate didn't want to talk much more about it, so he didn't pressure him - so I don't have any other details to share.
Last week I read a memoir - The Long.est Ro/ad H0me. It's by the guy who wrote "M@rley @and M.e" His parents had a stillbirth. This was in the 50's. His mother was put under, she wasn't even alert for the delivery. She thought eveything was fine. When she woke up, excited to meet her daughter, her husband had to break the news that they had lost the baby. I can not imagine.
Before losing Sara, I don't recall hearing stories or reading books where the parents had a stillbirth. Now they seem to pop up even when I'm not looking.
Friday, April 3, 2009
2.5
(I starting writing this last Friday, the days have slipped away from me.)
The past few weeks, Sara has been on my mind. I guess it started about 3 weeks ago, my sister & I went shopping. We were chatting on the drive. A song started playing. Dea.d and Blo.ated by St.one Te.mple Pi.lots. "I am smelling like a rose that somebody gave me on my birthday death bed." Not exactly a tear-jerker. But what the hell else am I supposed to be reminded of except losing Sara?
A few days later, I got one of those surveys. This time it had a question "The last song that made you cry?" I immediately thought of "De.ad & Blo.ated" but I didn't want to explain that story, I didn't know where my answers would be forwarded on to. So I wrote "The Dance" by Garth Brooks.
Several times over the past few weeks, I would be thinking of other things and those thoughts would led me back to October 2006, back to the dr's office where it was confirmed that she was gone, back to coming home from the hospital to an empty, quiet house.
Today (4/3) I realized - it's been two and a half years since we lost Sara. TWO AND A HALF YEARS!!! Every day I think of her, I know she's gone and my life is different because she's gone. I say how much I miss her, but "miss" doesn't feel like the right word. I miss my grandparents who have all passed away, I miss old friends that I've lost contact with. I have memories of those people and those times. My only true memories of Sara are being pregnant, delivering her and then the short time we spent with her. Everything else is fantasies we made up while pregnant. I feel cheated out of so much.
When we lost Sara, we asked our friends & families donate books to libraries in Sara's memory. Several months ago, my mother-in-law gave me a couple of books to donate. I chose to donate them to the elementary school I grew up in. Two of my nephews will attend that school as well as many other relatives & the kids of old friends. It felt good to donate those books. The librarian had commented that she had noticed one of the books recently at a conference and now it was a part of her library!
The past few weeks, Sara has been on my mind. I guess it started about 3 weeks ago, my sister & I went shopping. We were chatting on the drive. A song started playing. Dea.d and Blo.ated by St.one Te.mple Pi.lots. "I am smelling like a rose that somebody gave me on my birthday death bed." Not exactly a tear-jerker. But what the hell else am I supposed to be reminded of except losing Sara?
A few days later, I got one of those surveys. This time it had a question "The last song that made you cry?" I immediately thought of "De.ad & Blo.ated" but I didn't want to explain that story, I didn't know where my answers would be forwarded on to. So I wrote "The Dance" by Garth Brooks.
Several times over the past few weeks, I would be thinking of other things and those thoughts would led me back to October 2006, back to the dr's office where it was confirmed that she was gone, back to coming home from the hospital to an empty, quiet house.
Today (4/3) I realized - it's been two and a half years since we lost Sara. TWO AND A HALF YEARS!!! Every day I think of her, I know she's gone and my life is different because she's gone. I say how much I miss her, but "miss" doesn't feel like the right word. I miss my grandparents who have all passed away, I miss old friends that I've lost contact with. I have memories of those people and those times. My only true memories of Sara are being pregnant, delivering her and then the short time we spent with her. Everything else is fantasies we made up while pregnant. I feel cheated out of so much.
When we lost Sara, we asked our friends & families donate books to libraries in Sara's memory. Several months ago, my mother-in-law gave me a couple of books to donate. I chose to donate them to the elementary school I grew up in. Two of my nephews will attend that school as well as many other relatives & the kids of old friends. It felt good to donate those books. The librarian had commented that she had noticed one of the books recently at a conference and now it was a part of her library!
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Support
Several weeks , possibly months ago, I came across the blog of another DB Mama. I wish I could find this entry back, it was in her archives, not even a recent entry. She wrote about a study that had been done on bloggers, how blogging helps them, like a form of therapy.
When I first lost Sara, I visited a message board for parents who had lost babies. Without knowing these families' stories, I found the message board to be even more upsetting. I found entries that basically said "It's been 6 months, or 12 months, or 5 years and it still hurts." That scared me. What was going to happen to me and to my DH?
It's been almost 2.5 years since I lost my Sara and yes, it does still hurt. But if a mother who recently lost her baby did a search for blogs she could read our stories - from our first entry to the most current. She could see the highs and lows, how we've progressed over time - not just a random post on a message board.
My DH & I used to meet with two different support groups and with a therapist occasionally. Blogging has been another form of therapy. I can share my feelings and experiences with others. I know I don't have many followers, but if you recently came across my blog or others in deadbabyland, you are welcome here. It's the worst club to be a member of, but some of the most amazing people are here.
When I first lost Sara, I visited a message board for parents who had lost babies. Without knowing these families' stories, I found the message board to be even more upsetting. I found entries that basically said "It's been 6 months, or 12 months, or 5 years and it still hurts." That scared me. What was going to happen to me and to my DH?
It's been almost 2.5 years since I lost my Sara and yes, it does still hurt. But if a mother who recently lost her baby did a search for blogs she could read our stories - from our first entry to the most current. She could see the highs and lows, how we've progressed over time - not just a random post on a message board.
My DH & I used to meet with two different support groups and with a therapist occasionally. Blogging has been another form of therapy. I can share my feelings and experiences with others. I know I don't have many followers, but if you recently came across my blog or others in deadbabyland, you are welcome here. It's the worst club to be a member of, but some of the most amazing people are here.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Baby G.
Last night my friend B. called - another couple from our church lost a baby. Baby G. was roughly 6 months old. I don't have all the details - he was sick, his parents took him to the doctor's office, he had chest X-rays. Whatever was found was not good, he was going to be taken to a larger hospital. Instead he died from respiratory failure.
My heart aches for this family. Baby G. was an adorable little boy, strawberry blonde, curly hair. I've stroked that hair. I've admired him and talked to his parents about how beautiful he was. I want to go to their house and sit with the mother and hold her hand while she cries.
This has brought up old emotions for me - losing a baby unexpectedly. I was putting Ethan to bed last night & just started crying. I asked DH to put Ethan to bed, I needed a good cry. I didn't sleep very well. Ethan woke up once, but I woke up several times, looked at the clock & thought about all the lost babies. So very sad.
Please keep this young family in your thoughts.
My heart aches for this family. Baby G. was an adorable little boy, strawberry blonde, curly hair. I've stroked that hair. I've admired him and talked to his parents about how beautiful he was. I want to go to their house and sit with the mother and hold her hand while she cries.
This has brought up old emotions for me - losing a baby unexpectedly. I was putting Ethan to bed last night & just started crying. I asked DH to put Ethan to bed, I needed a good cry. I didn't sleep very well. Ethan woke up once, but I woke up several times, looked at the clock & thought about all the lost babies. So very sad.
Please keep this young family in your thoughts.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Dream
A few days ago, I had a rare dream about Sara. I was dreaming about a song, I remember thinking, "This song is like a conversation between me & Sara." It was supposedly a common mainstream song. Now I can't remember what it was, if the song even exists.
But it made me happy to have a dream about my daughter.
But it made me happy to have a dream about my daughter.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
