"Remember"
By Christina Georgina Rossetti
REMEMBER me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.
( I remember you Sara.)
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Random Comments
A few months after losing Sara, DH & I spent a late Christmas with his brother, sister-in-law & their kids and his father & his wife. At dinner the youngest niece was misbehaving. DH's brother said," Yeah if she had been the first -born, we wouldn't have had any more kids." DH & I looked at each other & the tears welled up. We excused ourselves and went outside. When we came back in, sister-in-law whispered a quick "sorry".
A few weeks ago, we had some friends and family over for a BBQ. I heard DH's brother tell some friends,"Yeah,if the youngest had been born first, we wouldn't have had any more kids." I wanted to snarl at him, "I'm so sorry that you have all three of your horrible kids." That stupid comment still stings. One day he's going at say it and I won't bite my tongue.
Several of the friends at the BBQ hadn't been to our house before, I gave a quick tour. While in Ethan's room, one of the women, a new neighbor, commented on the framed baptismal dress hanging there. At first she thought it was Ethan's outfit, but as she got closer, she realized it was a dress. Then she thought it may have been mine as a baby, but she realized it looked too new. So she asked why there was a framed dress in a little boy's room.
How I wish I could have a casual answer. "That old thing? I picked it up while vacationing in the Keys." Instead I take a deep breath and explain how we lost Sara at full-term. I like sharing Sara's story, hoping she'll be remembered.
I had a nice weekend. Friday night we dropped Ethan off with my parents and DH & I went to a BBQ cook-off. My sister's husband is a wonderful BBQ-er. I got to see a bunch of old friends, friends I haven't seen in 15+ years. Today DH & Ethan went to visit DH's mother. I had plans to visit a friend, but the plans fell through, so I went shopping alone. I prefer to shop alone some days, I'm on my time schedule, can go to the stores I want to go to. I went to a couple of children's clothes stores, got a few things for Ethan. I makes me a little sad to see all of the little girl clothes. I feel like I shouldn't even be on that side of the store.
A few weeks ago, we had some friends and family over for a BBQ. I heard DH's brother tell some friends,"Yeah,if the youngest had been born first, we wouldn't have had any more kids." I wanted to snarl at him, "I'm so sorry that you have all three of your horrible kids." That stupid comment still stings. One day he's going at say it and I won't bite my tongue.
Several of the friends at the BBQ hadn't been to our house before, I gave a quick tour. While in Ethan's room, one of the women, a new neighbor, commented on the framed baptismal dress hanging there. At first she thought it was Ethan's outfit, but as she got closer, she realized it was a dress. Then she thought it may have been mine as a baby, but she realized it looked too new. So she asked why there was a framed dress in a little boy's room.
How I wish I could have a casual answer. "That old thing? I picked it up while vacationing in the Keys." Instead I take a deep breath and explain how we lost Sara at full-term. I like sharing Sara's story, hoping she'll be remembered.
I had a nice weekend. Friday night we dropped Ethan off with my parents and DH & I went to a BBQ cook-off. My sister's husband is a wonderful BBQ-er. I got to see a bunch of old friends, friends I haven't seen in 15+ years. Today DH & Ethan went to visit DH's mother. I had plans to visit a friend, but the plans fell through, so I went shopping alone. I prefer to shop alone some days, I'm on my time schedule, can go to the stores I want to go to. I went to a couple of children's clothes stores, got a few things for Ethan. I makes me a little sad to see all of the little girl clothes. I feel like I shouldn't even be on that side of the store.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Support Groups
When we lived in Austin, DH & I went to 2 support groups, they met monthly, we went almost every month. It was good for us to talk with other parents who had lost children. I made a few good friends through these groups.
A few months ago, I received an invitation to join a mother's group in our small town. Ethan goes to a church-run day care and a few ladies from the church organized this group. I went the first few months, they were still working out the plan - what would we do each month? Maybe it would have been different if I joined after they were already established, but it felt so wishy-washy to me. Some ladies suggested different crafts to do, quick recipes/grocery tips, fun things to do around town with the kids, etc... There was no focus.
In the grief support group, that was our common bond - grief over losing a child and everything that goes with it. We didn't have a topic of the month. We just shared what ever was going on in our lives. Some months, usually near holidays, we talked about how we planned to handle 'celebrating' those events, but often we just vented, and cried.
Maybe just being "a mom" is too broad of a term. Believe me, I get stressed, but this particular group I didn't click with. If I want to do crafts, I go into my craft room/guest bedroom and find a craft. Or I would join a craft group specifically. I felt like if I was stressed about parenting - say if Ethan was biting, I couldn't vent about that because a craft had been planned.
But usually if I'm stressed and need some adult time, I arrange for Ethan to stay with family while DH & I have a date night. Or I leave Ethan & DH at home while I have dinner & drinks with friends.
A few months ago, I received an invitation to join a mother's group in our small town. Ethan goes to a church-run day care and a few ladies from the church organized this group. I went the first few months, they were still working out the plan - what would we do each month? Maybe it would have been different if I joined after they were already established, but it felt so wishy-washy to me. Some ladies suggested different crafts to do, quick recipes/grocery tips, fun things to do around town with the kids, etc... There was no focus.
In the grief support group, that was our common bond - grief over losing a child and everything that goes with it. We didn't have a topic of the month. We just shared what ever was going on in our lives. Some months, usually near holidays, we talked about how we planned to handle 'celebrating' those events, but often we just vented, and cried.
Maybe just being "a mom" is too broad of a term. Believe me, I get stressed, but this particular group I didn't click with. If I want to do crafts, I go into my craft room/guest bedroom and find a craft. Or I would join a craft group specifically. I felt like if I was stressed about parenting - say if Ethan was biting, I couldn't vent about that because a craft had been planned.
But usually if I'm stressed and need some adult time, I arrange for Ethan to stay with family while DH & I have a date night. Or I leave Ethan & DH at home while I have dinner & drinks with friends.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Beginnings and Endings
Today I received an email from a member of one of my old support groups, she & her family moved about the same time my family moved. She had a baby boy today - her baby after a loss, after numerous tries. I'm overjoyed for this family.
Today I also received an email from an old friend - her younger brother died today. About 12 years ago, when he was 12, he suddenly become very sick. The doctors belive it was a virus. G could barely talk; eating & swimming have been his only pleasures for the past 12 years. My heart aches for this family.
Today I also received an email from an old friend - her younger brother died today. About 12 years ago, when he was 12, he suddenly become very sick. The doctors belive it was a virus. G could barely talk; eating & swimming have been his only pleasures for the past 12 years. My heart aches for this family.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Always on my mind...
You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories.
- Stanislaw J. Lec ( Polish author)
I haven't posted in a while, but Sara and all of the other lost babies are on my mind. Wednesday Ethan & I went over to my sister's house. Ethan played in the sprinkler with his cousins. The 3 of them get along so well. The younger of the 2 cousins is about 1 year and 4 months older than Ethan. He's thin while Ethan is solid, a big boy. We often comment on Ethan & Justin - comparing their sizes. I can't help but think that there should be a little girl just 4 months younger than Justin running around, laughing as the sprinkler splashes her too.
- Stanislaw J. Lec ( Polish author)
I haven't posted in a while, but Sara and all of the other lost babies are on my mind. Wednesday Ethan & I went over to my sister's house. Ethan played in the sprinkler with his cousins. The 3 of them get along so well. The younger of the 2 cousins is about 1 year and 4 months older than Ethan. He's thin while Ethan is solid, a big boy. We often comment on Ethan & Justin - comparing their sizes. I can't help but think that there should be a little girl just 4 months younger than Justin running around, laughing as the sprinkler splashes her too.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Weekend
DH & I went out of town for the weekend. His band was playing at a wedding, few friends of ours were attending as guests, so I was able to tag along, had cake & wine. : )
The wedding was held in a quaint little town in the Texas Hill Country. I was able to go poke around the cute little shops while the band set up for the reception. For the past 2 years I've been carrying around a tiny picture of Sara in my wallet. I recently bought a new wallet & I didn't want to lose this picture, so it was just propped up against a larger picture frame. While in one of the shops, I came across a tiny picture frame - the perfect size for the tiny picture of Sara. Plus it has a 3-D butterfly on it. I snatched it up right away.
At another shop, the shopkeeper was wearing a T-shirt for a butterfly festival. I asked him about it. It so happened that the butterfly festival was happening that day! Earlier in the morning, 100's of butterflies were released! Sounds amazing. (By this time, most of the shops were closing up, so I didn't get to experience the festival.) Later I found a local magazine and there was an article about the butterfly festival. Families and organizations could sponsor a caterpillar/butterfly cage. When the butterflies are released, the ones that are in memory of community children who died are released first.
DH has been with this band for roughly a year now. He didn't know his bandmates until we moved here. They were introduced by mutual friends. On Saturday while I was shopping, DH was hanging out with one of his bandmates. The bandmate mentioned a trip he had taken to Hawaii and that leads DH to share our story of Hawaii and Sara and Ethan. The bandmate (who is 59) shared his story - his oldest daughter had a stillbirth. DH felt like the bandmate didn't want to talk much more about it, so he didn't pressure him - so I don't have any other details to share.
Last week I read a memoir - The Long.est Ro/ad H0me. It's by the guy who wrote "M@rley @and M.e" His parents had a stillbirth. This was in the 50's. His mother was put under, she wasn't even alert for the delivery. She thought eveything was fine. When she woke up, excited to meet her daughter, her husband had to break the news that they had lost the baby. I can not imagine.
Before losing Sara, I don't recall hearing stories or reading books where the parents had a stillbirth. Now they seem to pop up even when I'm not looking.
The wedding was held in a quaint little town in the Texas Hill Country. I was able to go poke around the cute little shops while the band set up for the reception. For the past 2 years I've been carrying around a tiny picture of Sara in my wallet. I recently bought a new wallet & I didn't want to lose this picture, so it was just propped up against a larger picture frame. While in one of the shops, I came across a tiny picture frame - the perfect size for the tiny picture of Sara. Plus it has a 3-D butterfly on it. I snatched it up right away.
At another shop, the shopkeeper was wearing a T-shirt for a butterfly festival. I asked him about it. It so happened that the butterfly festival was happening that day! Earlier in the morning, 100's of butterflies were released! Sounds amazing. (By this time, most of the shops were closing up, so I didn't get to experience the festival.) Later I found a local magazine and there was an article about the butterfly festival. Families and organizations could sponsor a caterpillar/butterfly cage. When the butterflies are released, the ones that are in memory of community children who died are released first.
DH has been with this band for roughly a year now. He didn't know his bandmates until we moved here. They were introduced by mutual friends. On Saturday while I was shopping, DH was hanging out with one of his bandmates. The bandmate mentioned a trip he had taken to Hawaii and that leads DH to share our story of Hawaii and Sara and Ethan. The bandmate (who is 59) shared his story - his oldest daughter had a stillbirth. DH felt like the bandmate didn't want to talk much more about it, so he didn't pressure him - so I don't have any other details to share.
Last week I read a memoir - The Long.est Ro/ad H0me. It's by the guy who wrote "M@rley @and M.e" His parents had a stillbirth. This was in the 50's. His mother was put under, she wasn't even alert for the delivery. She thought eveything was fine. When she woke up, excited to meet her daughter, her husband had to break the news that they had lost the baby. I can not imagine.
Before losing Sara, I don't recall hearing stories or reading books where the parents had a stillbirth. Now they seem to pop up even when I'm not looking.
Friday, April 3, 2009
2.5
(I starting writing this last Friday, the days have slipped away from me.)
The past few weeks, Sara has been on my mind. I guess it started about 3 weeks ago, my sister & I went shopping. We were chatting on the drive. A song started playing. Dea.d and Blo.ated by St.one Te.mple Pi.lots. "I am smelling like a rose that somebody gave me on my birthday death bed." Not exactly a tear-jerker. But what the hell else am I supposed to be reminded of except losing Sara?
A few days later, I got one of those surveys. This time it had a question "The last song that made you cry?" I immediately thought of "De.ad & Blo.ated" but I didn't want to explain that story, I didn't know where my answers would be forwarded on to. So I wrote "The Dance" by Garth Brooks.
Several times over the past few weeks, I would be thinking of other things and those thoughts would led me back to October 2006, back to the dr's office where it was confirmed that she was gone, back to coming home from the hospital to an empty, quiet house.
Today (4/3) I realized - it's been two and a half years since we lost Sara. TWO AND A HALF YEARS!!! Every day I think of her, I know she's gone and my life is different because she's gone. I say how much I miss her, but "miss" doesn't feel like the right word. I miss my grandparents who have all passed away, I miss old friends that I've lost contact with. I have memories of those people and those times. My only true memories of Sara are being pregnant, delivering her and then the short time we spent with her. Everything else is fantasies we made up while pregnant. I feel cheated out of so much.
When we lost Sara, we asked our friends & families donate books to libraries in Sara's memory. Several months ago, my mother-in-law gave me a couple of books to donate. I chose to donate them to the elementary school I grew up in. Two of my nephews will attend that school as well as many other relatives & the kids of old friends. It felt good to donate those books. The librarian had commented that she had noticed one of the books recently at a conference and now it was a part of her library!
The past few weeks, Sara has been on my mind. I guess it started about 3 weeks ago, my sister & I went shopping. We were chatting on the drive. A song started playing. Dea.d and Blo.ated by St.one Te.mple Pi.lots. "I am smelling like a rose that somebody gave me on my birthday death bed." Not exactly a tear-jerker. But what the hell else am I supposed to be reminded of except losing Sara?
A few days later, I got one of those surveys. This time it had a question "The last song that made you cry?" I immediately thought of "De.ad & Blo.ated" but I didn't want to explain that story, I didn't know where my answers would be forwarded on to. So I wrote "The Dance" by Garth Brooks.
Several times over the past few weeks, I would be thinking of other things and those thoughts would led me back to October 2006, back to the dr's office where it was confirmed that she was gone, back to coming home from the hospital to an empty, quiet house.
Today (4/3) I realized - it's been two and a half years since we lost Sara. TWO AND A HALF YEARS!!! Every day I think of her, I know she's gone and my life is different because she's gone. I say how much I miss her, but "miss" doesn't feel like the right word. I miss my grandparents who have all passed away, I miss old friends that I've lost contact with. I have memories of those people and those times. My only true memories of Sara are being pregnant, delivering her and then the short time we spent with her. Everything else is fantasies we made up while pregnant. I feel cheated out of so much.
When we lost Sara, we asked our friends & families donate books to libraries in Sara's memory. Several months ago, my mother-in-law gave me a couple of books to donate. I chose to donate them to the elementary school I grew up in. Two of my nephews will attend that school as well as many other relatives & the kids of old friends. It felt good to donate those books. The librarian had commented that she had noticed one of the books recently at a conference and now it was a part of her library!
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