A few weeks ago, my 6 y.o. nephew was spending the afternoon with us. We played in Ethan's room. Nephew asked "Where did you get that dress?" Sara's would-be baptism dress that is framed and hangs in Ethan's room. This nephew remembers me being pregnant and is aware that Sara died. So I took a deep breath and said, "Remember the baby that we lost, our baby Sara? That was supposed to be her dress." Nephew accepted that answer and nodded. Then he said, "If she were alive and you had Ethan, they'd be friends and play together, like me and my brother!" Yes, yes they would be friends. I love that kid!
Yesterday DH got an email from a friend, asking for our address, they wanted to send us an invitation. They have a daughter who is a few days older than Ethan, her 2nd birthday party would be the first weekend in October. DH replied, "Thank you for including us, but we wouldn't be able to attend that weekend." When DH told me about it, he started to tear up. It breaks my heart that a simple child's birthday party is so upsetting.
I'm interviewing for a new job, trying to go full-time. I miss the social aspect of working. I wonder if I'll be able to take off for Sara's day? At least a half-day.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Time
Whenever I look at a digital clock at 10:02, I think "Sara's birthdate." Anyone else do that?
I can't believe it's almost 3 years since I lost my Sara. I don't know what to do to honor her this year. Of course DH & I will spend some quiet time on her day and then we'll have dinner with my family, release balloons, have cupcakes. But I don't know if I want to do anything "public". Last year I sent packets of seeds to family & friends, I got a good response to those. I know I'll be hurt if people don't respond like I expect, I don't want to be let down.
Later this month I have my high school class reunion - 17 years. Yeah, I know traditionally people have reunions every 5 or 10 years. We missed the 10 year, had an 11 year, so I guess 17 is appropriate. At my 11th, DH & I had just started dating, so he didn't attend with me. I don't know who knows about Sara. I know for certain maybe half of my class knows - either I am still friends with them or they still have contacts in our little hometown. I'm nervous about going, I'm not the girl that they went to high school with. But I want to see some of my old classmates, so I'll go along with DH & Ethan.
I can't believe it's almost 3 years since I lost my Sara. I don't know what to do to honor her this year. Of course DH & I will spend some quiet time on her day and then we'll have dinner with my family, release balloons, have cupcakes. But I don't know if I want to do anything "public". Last year I sent packets of seeds to family & friends, I got a good response to those. I know I'll be hurt if people don't respond like I expect, I don't want to be let down.
Later this month I have my high school class reunion - 17 years. Yeah, I know traditionally people have reunions every 5 or 10 years. We missed the 10 year, had an 11 year, so I guess 17 is appropriate. At my 11th, DH & I had just started dating, so he didn't attend with me. I don't know who knows about Sara. I know for certain maybe half of my class knows - either I am still friends with them or they still have contacts in our little hometown. I'm nervous about going, I'm not the girl that they went to high school with. But I want to see some of my old classmates, so I'll go along with DH & Ethan.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Remember
"Remember"
By Christina Georgina Rossetti
REMEMBER me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.
( I remember you Sara.)
By Christina Georgina Rossetti
REMEMBER me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.
( I remember you Sara.)
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Random Comments
A few months after losing Sara, DH & I spent a late Christmas with his brother, sister-in-law & their kids and his father & his wife. At dinner the youngest niece was misbehaving. DH's brother said," Yeah if she had been the first -born, we wouldn't have had any more kids." DH & I looked at each other & the tears welled up. We excused ourselves and went outside. When we came back in, sister-in-law whispered a quick "sorry".
A few weeks ago, we had some friends and family over for a BBQ. I heard DH's brother tell some friends,"Yeah,if the youngest had been born first, we wouldn't have had any more kids." I wanted to snarl at him, "I'm so sorry that you have all three of your horrible kids." That stupid comment still stings. One day he's going at say it and I won't bite my tongue.
Several of the friends at the BBQ hadn't been to our house before, I gave a quick tour. While in Ethan's room, one of the women, a new neighbor, commented on the framed baptismal dress hanging there. At first she thought it was Ethan's outfit, but as she got closer, she realized it was a dress. Then she thought it may have been mine as a baby, but she realized it looked too new. So she asked why there was a framed dress in a little boy's room.
How I wish I could have a casual answer. "That old thing? I picked it up while vacationing in the Keys." Instead I take a deep breath and explain how we lost Sara at full-term. I like sharing Sara's story, hoping she'll be remembered.
I had a nice weekend. Friday night we dropped Ethan off with my parents and DH & I went to a BBQ cook-off. My sister's husband is a wonderful BBQ-er. I got to see a bunch of old friends, friends I haven't seen in 15+ years. Today DH & Ethan went to visit DH's mother. I had plans to visit a friend, but the plans fell through, so I went shopping alone. I prefer to shop alone some days, I'm on my time schedule, can go to the stores I want to go to. I went to a couple of children's clothes stores, got a few things for Ethan. I makes me a little sad to see all of the little girl clothes. I feel like I shouldn't even be on that side of the store.
A few weeks ago, we had some friends and family over for a BBQ. I heard DH's brother tell some friends,"Yeah,if the youngest had been born first, we wouldn't have had any more kids." I wanted to snarl at him, "I'm so sorry that you have all three of your horrible kids." That stupid comment still stings. One day he's going at say it and I won't bite my tongue.
Several of the friends at the BBQ hadn't been to our house before, I gave a quick tour. While in Ethan's room, one of the women, a new neighbor, commented on the framed baptismal dress hanging there. At first she thought it was Ethan's outfit, but as she got closer, she realized it was a dress. Then she thought it may have been mine as a baby, but she realized it looked too new. So she asked why there was a framed dress in a little boy's room.
How I wish I could have a casual answer. "That old thing? I picked it up while vacationing in the Keys." Instead I take a deep breath and explain how we lost Sara at full-term. I like sharing Sara's story, hoping she'll be remembered.
I had a nice weekend. Friday night we dropped Ethan off with my parents and DH & I went to a BBQ cook-off. My sister's husband is a wonderful BBQ-er. I got to see a bunch of old friends, friends I haven't seen in 15+ years. Today DH & Ethan went to visit DH's mother. I had plans to visit a friend, but the plans fell through, so I went shopping alone. I prefer to shop alone some days, I'm on my time schedule, can go to the stores I want to go to. I went to a couple of children's clothes stores, got a few things for Ethan. I makes me a little sad to see all of the little girl clothes. I feel like I shouldn't even be on that side of the store.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Support Groups
When we lived in Austin, DH & I went to 2 support groups, they met monthly, we went almost every month. It was good for us to talk with other parents who had lost children. I made a few good friends through these groups.
A few months ago, I received an invitation to join a mother's group in our small town. Ethan goes to a church-run day care and a few ladies from the church organized this group. I went the first few months, they were still working out the plan - what would we do each month? Maybe it would have been different if I joined after they were already established, but it felt so wishy-washy to me. Some ladies suggested different crafts to do, quick recipes/grocery tips, fun things to do around town with the kids, etc... There was no focus.
In the grief support group, that was our common bond - grief over losing a child and everything that goes with it. We didn't have a topic of the month. We just shared what ever was going on in our lives. Some months, usually near holidays, we talked about how we planned to handle 'celebrating' those events, but often we just vented, and cried.
Maybe just being "a mom" is too broad of a term. Believe me, I get stressed, but this particular group I didn't click with. If I want to do crafts, I go into my craft room/guest bedroom and find a craft. Or I would join a craft group specifically. I felt like if I was stressed about parenting - say if Ethan was biting, I couldn't vent about that because a craft had been planned.
But usually if I'm stressed and need some adult time, I arrange for Ethan to stay with family while DH & I have a date night. Or I leave Ethan & DH at home while I have dinner & drinks with friends.
A few months ago, I received an invitation to join a mother's group in our small town. Ethan goes to a church-run day care and a few ladies from the church organized this group. I went the first few months, they were still working out the plan - what would we do each month? Maybe it would have been different if I joined after they were already established, but it felt so wishy-washy to me. Some ladies suggested different crafts to do, quick recipes/grocery tips, fun things to do around town with the kids, etc... There was no focus.
In the grief support group, that was our common bond - grief over losing a child and everything that goes with it. We didn't have a topic of the month. We just shared what ever was going on in our lives. Some months, usually near holidays, we talked about how we planned to handle 'celebrating' those events, but often we just vented, and cried.
Maybe just being "a mom" is too broad of a term. Believe me, I get stressed, but this particular group I didn't click with. If I want to do crafts, I go into my craft room/guest bedroom and find a craft. Or I would join a craft group specifically. I felt like if I was stressed about parenting - say if Ethan was biting, I couldn't vent about that because a craft had been planned.
But usually if I'm stressed and need some adult time, I arrange for Ethan to stay with family while DH & I have a date night. Or I leave Ethan & DH at home while I have dinner & drinks with friends.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Beginnings and Endings
Today I received an email from a member of one of my old support groups, she & her family moved about the same time my family moved. She had a baby boy today - her baby after a loss, after numerous tries. I'm overjoyed for this family.
Today I also received an email from an old friend - her younger brother died today. About 12 years ago, when he was 12, he suddenly become very sick. The doctors belive it was a virus. G could barely talk; eating & swimming have been his only pleasures for the past 12 years. My heart aches for this family.
Today I also received an email from an old friend - her younger brother died today. About 12 years ago, when he was 12, he suddenly become very sick. The doctors belive it was a virus. G could barely talk; eating & swimming have been his only pleasures for the past 12 years. My heart aches for this family.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Always on my mind...
You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories.
- Stanislaw J. Lec ( Polish author)
I haven't posted in a while, but Sara and all of the other lost babies are on my mind. Wednesday Ethan & I went over to my sister's house. Ethan played in the sprinkler with his cousins. The 3 of them get along so well. The younger of the 2 cousins is about 1 year and 4 months older than Ethan. He's thin while Ethan is solid, a big boy. We often comment on Ethan & Justin - comparing their sizes. I can't help but think that there should be a little girl just 4 months younger than Justin running around, laughing as the sprinkler splashes her too.
- Stanislaw J. Lec ( Polish author)
I haven't posted in a while, but Sara and all of the other lost babies are on my mind. Wednesday Ethan & I went over to my sister's house. Ethan played in the sprinkler with his cousins. The 3 of them get along so well. The younger of the 2 cousins is about 1 year and 4 months older than Ethan. He's thin while Ethan is solid, a big boy. We often comment on Ethan & Justin - comparing their sizes. I can't help but think that there should be a little girl just 4 months younger than Justin running around, laughing as the sprinkler splashes her too.
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