Support

Several weeks , possibly months ago, I came across the blog of another DB Mama. I wish I could find this entry back, it was in her archives, not even a recent entry. She wrote about a study that had been done on bloggers, how blogging helps them, like a form of therapy.

When I first lost Sara, I visited a message board for parents who had lost babies. Without knowing these families' stories, I found the message board to be even more upsetting. I found entries that basically said "It's been 6 months, or 12 months, or 5 years and it still hurts." That scared me. What was going to happen to me and to my DH?
It's been almost 2.5 years since I lost my Sara and yes, it does still hurt. But if a mother who recently lost her baby did a search for blogs she could read our stories - from our first entry to the most current. She could see the highs and lows, how we've progressed over time - not just a random post on a message board.

My DH & I used to meet with two different support groups and with a therapist occasionally. Blogging has been another form of therapy. I can share my feelings and experiences with others. I know I don't have many followers, but if you recently came across my blog or others in deadbabyland, you are welcome here. It's the worst club to be a member of, but some of the most amazing people are here.

Baby G.

Last night my friend B. called - another couple from our church lost a baby. Baby G. was roughly 6 months old. I don't have all the details - he was sick, his parents took him to the doctor's office, he had chest X-rays. Whatever was found was not good, he was going to be taken to a larger hospital. Instead he died from respiratory failure.
My heart aches for this family. Baby G. was an adorable little boy, strawberry blonde, curly hair. I've stroked that hair. I've admired him and talked to his parents about how beautiful he was. I want to go to their house and sit with the mother and hold her hand while she cries.
This has brought up old emotions for me - losing a baby unexpectedly. I was putting Ethan to bed last night & just started crying. I asked DH to put Ethan to bed, I needed a good cry. I didn't sleep very well. Ethan woke up once, but I woke up several times, looked at the clock & thought about all the lost babies. So very sad.
Please keep this young family in your thoughts.

Dream

A few days ago, I had a rare dream about Sara. I was dreaming about a song, I remember thinking, "This song is like a conversation between me & Sara." It was supposedly a common mainstream song. Now I can't remember what it was, if the song even exists.
But it made me happy to have a dream about my daughter.

On My Mind

Ethan's been sick this week. It's funny how I got used to "my time" while he was at day care. Today he's feeling much better and I'm not feeling so overwhelmed & frustrated.

One of the local churches has a sign outside, currently it reads " A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on." Really?? Then what is God's opinion when a baby dies unexpectedly? Or worse when the parents kill the baby?

When my class finishes the lecture early we talk about current events. This past week one of the students brought up a case going on in the Galveston area. The parents abused the 2 year old girl & she died. My student's father is in law enforcement & has been very involved. So we discussed it a bit. The discussion started getting more & more gruesome. It makes me sad. Why did these people even get to have a child if they were going to abuse & kill her?? So I asked the class to change the subject, that it was upsetting to me. (They don't know about Sara.) Another student who is much older than the rest of the class & has 3 grown children pipes up, " Yes, it's upsetting to me too, I have children." Whatever.

Roses & Such

We gave my parents a digital frame for Christmas & put pictures of our families on it. I thought about putting a picture of Sara on it. My mother displays Sara's footprints. I don't push her to display Sara's picture. I figured I could always add something later. A few days ago, I was at my parents' house. I watched the pictures scroll through. My younger sister included this picture of a pink rose with a sprinkling of snowflakes. I started tearing up, I was so happy that she included that photo. It was taken in her yard the day we had an unexpected snowfall in early December. It is beautiful.

DH & I decided to put Ethan in day care part-time. I'm only teaching part-time, but my class is requiring more on-line assignments, so I'll have to be on the computer more - which is hard to do with Ethan around. So rather than just getting a babysitter to come in while I'm actually teaching, Ethan will go to day care on Tuesday/Thursday. This will also allow me to do things for me - lunch with friends, working on projects, etc...Today I took Ethan to see his classroom. He seemed excited by the playground. The name of his class? Butterflies. Of course.

I'm saddened by John Travolta's loss of his son Jett. I think it makes people realize that no matter how rich or famous someone this, they too can be struck with a tragedy.

Grace

A friend gave me this set of Philosophy bath & body products - Amazing Grace.

On each bottle there are comments about having grace in difficult situations. I'm not sure if she bought this particular set for me because she thinks I have grace or she liked the scent - it's a delicate, feminine scent.

I'll take it either way.

37 Years

Tomorrow will be the 37th birthday of my cousin who was stillborn.

I talked with my aunt a few days ago, lent her my copy of this book and told her that I plan to leave flowers on Keith's grave soon.

Today, I was able to cut some fresh flowers from our yard (some kind of white perfume-y flowers). I tied a note to the vase "You are Remembered." After church DH, Ethan & I went to the cemetery. I knew that Keith's grave was near the fence line of the cemetary, but it took me a few minutes to find it. I knelt down to leave the vase & just paused for a moment to think of this cousin that I never knew, but will never forget.

Isn't that what we all want? To have someone leave flowers in memory of our babies 37 years from now?