Last week was my co-worker's birthday. Our typical birthday celebration at work is for everyone to bring in snacks and desserts and we graze through the day. Other co-workers from other departments stop by to wish the birthday girl all the best. That's the part that makes me sad. As I sat near Kelly and heard people joke with her (Sweet 16? You don't look a day over 21! And the like...), I didn't think I could just grin while others good-naturally tease me. That day I imagined how I would react and the tears started welling up.
I also work with a woman Shannon. Her son and his girlfriend are pregnant. I've tried to ignore her discussions/family drama surrounding this pregnancy. The couple got married last week, they told Shannon, but didn't invite her to the courthouse ceremony. Shannon has been paying several hundred dollars a month for this couple's apartment and bills. Last night the girlfriend/new wife's water broke. They went to the hospital and Shannon joined them. She was not invited into the private room, although the couples' friends were. She was pissed. Understandably! The baby was delivered around lunchtime today. Shannon didn't leave work early to meet her first grandchild. Thoughout the day, I had to hear about this family drama, other women shared their delivery stories. I kept to myself for the most part. I was polite and asked the baby's name and congratulated her. But I was emotional all day. I couldn't wait to get home and shed a few tears.
I feel myself becoming more anxious, honoring Sara as her day approaches and how will I respond to working the days leading up to her day.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Grief groups
I recently discovered that our local hospice offers a "Loss of a Child" grief group. This past Monday I went for the first time. I was looking forward to it. Twisted,uh? The meeting was held in the evening after regular business hours. When I pulled into the parking lot, I noticed a few older people. I thought "maybe there is another group or meeting tonight too.". When I got inside, I didn't see any young couples, it was just older couples. I asked one of the men if this was the Loss of an Infant group. He said it was the Loss of a Child, for any parents.
Right away I recognized the parents of an high school classmate who died in an accident in March. I said hello to them, the mother said that she was glad I spoke to them, to remember their son T. There was another couple there, I think I recognized her as my 9th English teacher. She transferred to a different high school after my freshman year, so I haven't seen her since the early 1990's. I didn't talk with her directly, I'm not sure if she recognized me either.
There were 5 couples, me and the group leader. (My husband stayed at home with Ethan.). We went around the room, everyone sharing a brief history of their child. They all lost adult children, 20 - 35 year olds. I felt alone as the only one with a stillbirth. They all shared stories of their children, I don't have any to share. When it was my turn to share my loss, I cried. I've been feeling OK lately, so I was surprised to be crying like that. Maybe it was because I haven't shared my story with many strangers lately, maybe it was just being back at a grief group after a 2 year break.
We watched a video based on the book "Tear Soup". It was about grieving in general, not just the loss of a child. I think it made us feel better about the grieving process, that we will each do it differently, different lengths of time.
I'm not sure if I want to go back next month. These people are old enough to be my parents, or at least my aunt & uncle. They have experienced a loss of a child, so we can relate there, but they all watched their children grow up - first dates, high school graduation, college, careers, for some - weddings and grandchildren. I've considered sending a note to T's mother, explaining why I wasn't comfortable with this group, but that she & I could get together to chat if she'd like.
Any thoughts?
Right away I recognized the parents of an high school classmate who died in an accident in March. I said hello to them, the mother said that she was glad I spoke to them, to remember their son T. There was another couple there, I think I recognized her as my 9th English teacher. She transferred to a different high school after my freshman year, so I haven't seen her since the early 1990's. I didn't talk with her directly, I'm not sure if she recognized me either.
There were 5 couples, me and the group leader. (My husband stayed at home with Ethan.). We went around the room, everyone sharing a brief history of their child. They all lost adult children, 20 - 35 year olds. I felt alone as the only one with a stillbirth. They all shared stories of their children, I don't have any to share. When it was my turn to share my loss, I cried. I've been feeling OK lately, so I was surprised to be crying like that. Maybe it was because I haven't shared my story with many strangers lately, maybe it was just being back at a grief group after a 2 year break.
We watched a video based on the book "Tear Soup". It was about grieving in general, not just the loss of a child. I think it made us feel better about the grieving process, that we will each do it differently, different lengths of time.
I'm not sure if I want to go back next month. These people are old enough to be my parents, or at least my aunt & uncle. They have experienced a loss of a child, so we can relate there, but they all watched their children grow up - first dates, high school graduation, college, careers, for some - weddings and grandchildren. I've considered sending a note to T's mother, explaining why I wasn't comfortable with this group, but that she & I could get together to chat if she'd like.
Any thoughts?
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Thoughts...
Just a few things that have been rolling around in my mind....
In June, my nephew turned 4 years old. Littlest J is 3.5 months older than Sara would be. Littlest J & Ethan attend the same day school, although they are in different classes. On this particular Friday, I was dropping off Ethan while my sister was dropping off Littlest J. He was carrying a carrier full of cupcakes for his class. He was so excited about his birthday. I gave him a birthday hug and said that he was getting so big. When I got back to my car, I started crying. Littlest J is my gauge, what milestones would Sara be hitting? How tall would she be?
I work in the admissions office at our local community college. I see a lot of documents. I come across quite a few "Sara(h) Elizabeth"'s. It makes me sad, knowing my Sara will never attend college, never grow up.
When Sara died, we asked if we could donate her organs. We were told it was too late. Since Ethan was born, I try to donate blood when I can. It's my way to make a difference, to save a life when I couldn't before.
Monday our local hospice is having an infant loss support group. I plan to attend. I haven't been to a support group for 2 years, I miss it.
I haven't written much about Ethan lately. I feel like he is such a blessing. He was kind and considerate and funny. Of course he's two, so tantrums are standard. But I feel like I have more patience with him after losing Sara.
In June, my nephew turned 4 years old. Littlest J is 3.5 months older than Sara would be. Littlest J & Ethan attend the same day school, although they are in different classes. On this particular Friday, I was dropping off Ethan while my sister was dropping off Littlest J. He was carrying a carrier full of cupcakes for his class. He was so excited about his birthday. I gave him a birthday hug and said that he was getting so big. When I got back to my car, I started crying. Littlest J is my gauge, what milestones would Sara be hitting? How tall would she be?
I work in the admissions office at our local community college. I see a lot of documents. I come across quite a few "Sara(h) Elizabeth"'s. It makes me sad, knowing my Sara will never attend college, never grow up.
When Sara died, we asked if we could donate her organs. We were told it was too late. Since Ethan was born, I try to donate blood when I can. It's my way to make a difference, to save a life when I couldn't before.
Monday our local hospice is having an infant loss support group. I plan to attend. I haven't been to a support group for 2 years, I miss it.
I haven't written much about Ethan lately. I feel like he is such a blessing. He was kind and considerate and funny. Of course he's two, so tantrums are standard. But I feel like I have more patience with him after losing Sara.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
More losses
I didn't see a reference to this recent loss..
Within few months, a local couple lost their daughter to SIDS. I didn't know them, but they have a shoe repair shop - I've taken a couple of pairs of shoes there since we moved here. I sent the couple a card, telling them how our support group helped us & that the local hospice offers an infant loss group (which I should go to) and the basically that we were here for them, including our phone number.
Over the weekend, I broke the heel on a pair of shoes. I knew I would take it in to be repaired, but I didn't know if I would say anything to her.
I stopped by Tuesday on my lunch break. The wife was alone. She asked me to write my name and number on the tag. I wrote my first name and the first 3 letters of my last, she said, "You sent me the card!" I was surprised the she put it together so quickly. I asked how she was doing, she started to tear up. I squeezed her hand, "It's still so fresh, it's hard." She said that it was hard when she was alone with her thoughts at work. I told her to call me whenever she wanted to talk. Another customer came in & I had to get back to work. ( We work a 4 day/36 hour week during the summer; 30 minute lunches.)
My shoes should be ready tomorrow. I hope to talk with her more or at least make plans to talk at a later time.
Within few months, a local couple lost their daughter to SIDS. I didn't know them, but they have a shoe repair shop - I've taken a couple of pairs of shoes there since we moved here. I sent the couple a card, telling them how our support group helped us & that the local hospice offers an infant loss group (which I should go to) and the basically that we were here for them, including our phone number.
Over the weekend, I broke the heel on a pair of shoes. I knew I would take it in to be repaired, but I didn't know if I would say anything to her.
I stopped by Tuesday on my lunch break. The wife was alone. She asked me to write my name and number on the tag. I wrote my first name and the first 3 letters of my last, she said, "You sent me the card!" I was surprised the she put it together so quickly. I asked how she was doing, she started to tear up. I squeezed her hand, "It's still so fresh, it's hard." She said that it was hard when she was alone with her thoughts at work. I told her to call me whenever she wanted to talk. Another customer came in & I had to get back to work. ( We work a 4 day/36 hour week during the summer; 30 minute lunches.)
My shoes should be ready tomorrow. I hope to talk with her more or at least make plans to talk at a later time.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
sharing stories
A little background information...My husband is in a band. Recently the singer in the band mentioned that he had a brother who died & that he would visit the grave before going to rodeos. That was all Dh knew- not how old the brother was, when this happened, nothing. The singer had written a song inspired by his brother.
On Tuesday of this week, I was having lunch at work. A co-worker came in the break room. We usually don't eat at the same time, she was just hungy early that day. We were chatting and I mentioned my husband's band, namely the lead singer. She knew his family (gotta love small towns.). She said that his parents lost a baby in the same manner that they did - Anencephaly where babies are born without brains. it was an amazing coincidence - such a rare condition to happen in a small community twice. My coworker never found out why it happened to her baby. I shared our story about Sara.
That night I told DH what I had learned at lunch. He thinks that there was an brother who died when he was older, based on the song lyrics. He doesn't know how to bring it up to the singer tactfully.
On Tuesday of this week, I was having lunch at work. A co-worker came in the break room. We usually don't eat at the same time, she was just hungy early that day. We were chatting and I mentioned my husband's band, namely the lead singer. She knew his family (gotta love small towns.). She said that his parents lost a baby in the same manner that they did - Anencephaly where babies are born without brains. it was an amazing coincidence - such a rare condition to happen in a small community twice. My coworker never found out why it happened to her baby. I shared our story about Sara.
That night I told DH what I had learned at lunch. He thinks that there was an brother who died when he was older, based on the song lyrics. He doesn't know how to bring it up to the singer tactfully.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Mother's Day
It's been a busy week around here - my class is finally over.
Thinking of all the mothers - no matter if your babies are in your arms or in your heart and memories. Take care of yourselves.
Thinking of all the mothers - no matter if your babies are in your arms or in your heart and memories. Take care of yourselves.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Springtime
Spring brings new change and our lives are changing - it's good stuff. I got a full-time job. I've been teaching part-time at the local community college. But I haven't been very happy with it. My new job is in the admissions office of the college. I'll finish teaching (it's just one afternoon a week)this semester, but that's it.
So far, I'm enjoying the job, just learning all of the systems. My co-workers are nice. There are perks - 4 day work weeks during the summer, school holidays plus vacations.
On my first day, I met with my 2 direct supervisors. We talked about my responsibilities, upcoming projects & events, etc...They mentioned that they like to keep it light & fun in the office. They said for birthdays they'll have small parties - cake, snacks. They asked when was my birthday. Uh oh. I've only worked part-time since Sara died and have been able to avoid working on our birthday. I told them "October 2" but I got choked up. I told them that I didn't like to celebrate my birthday. I'm sure they thought that was odd. I was able to say "My daughter died on my birthday." They didn't ask any questions. I was OK with that.
So far I haven't said anything to my other co-workers about Sara. This year my birthday falls on a Saturday. So I'll have the actual day off. Maybe I'll tell them about her at our Monday morning meeting the week before. I'll just see how I'm feeling at that time.
Ethan has started going to day care full-time now & adjusted well. We've been happy with the current school, but we really liked another church day school in town. They didn't offer a part-time plan so it wasn't available before. Now that we need full-time care, we looked into switching. Thankfully they had an opening for Ethan's age group. It's a newer building, bigger playground, lots of activities. Ethan's cousin attends this day school, they'll see each on the playground. They also served a hot lunch. I've been packing lunch for Ethan. When I was working part-time it wasn't such a big deal. But now since I'm full-time, I'd prefer to spend time with Ethan & DH rather than finding to a decent meal to pack.
One of the local attraction is an antique carousel. It's only open for special events or if it's rented for private parties. It was open during spring Break. Ethan & I had a picnic at the park with my sister & her 2 sons and then the boys rode the carousel.
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