Christ.m@s c@rds

Most of us probably chose cards that represent us at that moment. Do we want a traditional image? comical? A photo of the family? Since losing Sara, I am more aware of my recipients. What are they feeling this holiday season?

The first Christmas after losing Sara, I choose a serene angel with a simple quote inside. I don't have any left, but I remember thinking that they were appropriate coming from grieving parents. The following year, I made cards. The cover said "JOY" with Ethan's picture in the "O". Since then, I have used pictures of Ethan for our cards.

I try to send a different card to friends and family members who may be hurting during the holidays. My best friend lost her step-father at the end of September. I wanted to send a Thanksgiving card but couldn't find one with an appropriate sentiment. So I ended up sending a Thinking of You card. Last year I wanted to send a few Christmas cards to families who had a loss during the year. I went to the local H@llm@rk store and looked over the individual cards. Everything was cheerful, not appropriate. Even the blank cards didn't have appropriate images. I found at least 3 cards appropriate for a niece and her significant other, nothing that seemed appropriate to send a loved one who was hurting at Christmas, struggling with being a part of Christmas, but don't want to be overlooked either.

I finally found a small 6 pack of cards with an angel and a lamb. The sentiment wasn't exactly what I was looking for, but close enough. I hope other stores carry appropriate cards, maybe just my location didn't carry a good selection. I'll be ending over to the card shop in a few days, hoping I can find a card that fits the situation.

For the last 4 Christmases, I have decorated a small Christmas tree in Sara's memory. I mailed cards to close family and friends, asking for an ornament that represents Sara's spirit. We received various angels, hearts, butterflies, even a snowflake (because snowflakes last only a moment, but touch your soul forever).

Saturday night, we brought down the tree and ornaments. I let Ethan help me with the less fragile ones. I explained that this was for our angel Sara. I showed him an ornament with her name on it. I showed him how to spell her name S-A-R-A, Sara. He started singing, "Sara, Sara, Sara." I started to cry. DH was very touched hearing Ethan singing her name.

I told him that Sara is his big sister, but he's too young to understand. But I'm glad to be laying the foundation for him to understand as he gets older.

October Babies Rock!!

About 6 months after losing Sara, (Feb. 2007 I believe) an former co-worker contacted me. Her sister had just lost her son around 24-25 weeks. The family was devastated. I gave her a list of books that had been recommended to me as well as the information for the support groups that I was attending. I've kept in touch with them, checking in with how they were doing. On Oct.11 (Ethan's birthday also), their daughter was born!

Soon after we moved to our current house(April or May 2008), I learned of a couple who lost their daughter, she was stillborn at full-term. My friend B & I didn't know her, but we had contacts, friends of friends. She was living about 2 hours away, but her mother still lived in my area. When she was visiting her family one time, B & I went out to dinner with her. We've stayed in touch with her and she & her husband recently moved back. Their son was born Oct 13!

I am so excited for both of these families. October babies are very special!

Bad Day Gone Good

The weather has been beautiful here lately, so I went for a walk at lunch. Afterwards I microwaved a cup of soup and went to the restroom while it was heating up. When I came back, the soup had tipped over and spilled in the microwave. I cleaned it up and decided to go out and grab some fast food. I got in my car and it wouldn't start. (I'm hoping it's just a dead battery.) I walked over to the snack bar on campus to get some food. I left a message for DH to come check out the situation before the end of the work day.

While walking back to my office, I wonder why these bad things happened to me. Was it because I refused to take the Jehovah's Witness's literature at the gas station yesterday? Then I realized, the soup spilling was a minor inconvenience and at least I found out about the car trouble early enough and it's at a safe place.

Soon after I got back to my desk and started eating, a co-worker told me that a student needed my help. I see maybe one student a week. (I usually talk to them on the phone.) She had a question about her transcript. So I asked her to come back to my desk to check it out. Her name? Sarah Elizabeth.

My Sara is looking out for me. She helps me keep things in perspective.

Joy of my Heart

A few weeks ago, I got this charm for my birthday. In October 2006, 'joy' was not a part of my vocabulary. In October 2007, I had joy again, my beautiful son Ethan was born. He brings me joy everyday.

When I first started the charm bracelet right after Sara died, I said that I would only get charms that reminded me of her. At that point, I had no clue that I would have another child so soon after Sara's death. I was so overwhelmed with emotion, she was all I could think of. But I wouldn't have Ethan if Sara had lived, their stories are intertwined, so the charm bracelet became more about motherhood, my version of motherhood. I honor both of my children with it.

Peace of mind for $25

Friday evening DH & Ethan were playing around. DH said, "Look at his neck.". I thought maybe I didn't wash his neck very well and he still had a dirt necklace. No, Dh thought Ethan's neck, specifically his lymph node, looked swollen. Of course, I g00gled it. Cancer was mentioned. My heart sank. It was also suggested to see a doctor if the lymph node was swollen for 2 weeks. Two weeks seemed like a long time. Monday night Ethan didn't sleep very well, he insisted that I sleep with him. I was feeling so anxious on Tuesday, I could feel myself tearing up throughout the morning.

I was able to talk with my 2 direct managers, told them that Sara's day is coming up soon and I get anxious around this time, and I'm worrying about Ethan, and that Sara and I share a birthday. They were very understanding, said I could take time off if I needed it or just take breaks when I need a few minutes alone.

Just telling them made me feel better. Later I made a doctor a ppt. For Ethan.

Wednesday we went in. The doctor said that he wasn't concerned because it was small and only one that was swollen. If it were larger and/or there were multiple swollen lymph node around his body, he'd be concerned. We talked about Ethan's overall health - potty training, adjusting to a new classroom, etc..., he was able to set my mind at ease. At least I know what to look for now, not just incomplete information from an Internet search.

I paid my $25 co-pay and went home to enjoy my beautiful son.

Birthdays

Last week was my co-worker's birthday. Our typical birthday celebration at work is for everyone to bring in snacks and desserts and we graze through the day. Other co-workers from other departments stop by to wish the birthday girl all the best. That's the part that makes me sad. As I sat near Kelly and heard people joke with her (Sweet 16? You don't look a day over 21! And the like...), I didn't think I could just grin while others good-naturally tease me. That day I imagined how I would react and the tears started welling up.

I also work with a woman Shannon. Her son and his girlfriend are pregnant. I've tried to ignore her discussions/family drama surrounding this pregnancy. The couple got married last week, they told Shannon, but didn't invite her to the courthouse ceremony. Shannon has been paying several hundred dollars a month for this couple's apartment and bills. Last night the girlfriend/new wife's water broke. They went to the hospital and Shannon joined them. She was not invited into the private room, although the couples' friends were. She was pissed. Understandably! The baby was delivered around lunchtime today. Shannon didn't leave work early to meet her first grandchild. Thoughout the day, I had to hear about this family drama, other women shared their delivery stories. I kept to myself for the most part. I was polite and asked the baby's name and congratulated her. But I was emotional all day. I couldn't wait to get home and shed a few tears.

I feel myself becoming more anxious, honoring Sara as her day approaches and how will I respond to working the days leading up to her day.