Lucky

I keep forgetting to mention this little story. At Thanksgiving, my 4 y. o. nephew said, " You're lucky to have another baby." That kid makes me smile with his wisdom. I don't know if he overheard someone saying that or if he came up with it on his own. He 'knows' we lost Sara, as much as a 4 y. o. knows these things. His mother was pregnant while I was with Sara, although 3.5 months ahead of me. They talked to him when Sara died, explaining that she was in Heaven. My sister said that he often mentions "the baby that died". They have a small picture of Sara in their living room. That makes me so proud - proud of them for displaying it & just a proud mother seeing my beautiful daughter.

Jealousy & Other Feelings

Earlier this week, Monica & I got together to discuss motherhood after a loss. We brought up feelings of jealousy towards pregnant women. I have strong feelings of jealousy and sadness if I talk to the woman or overhear her, especially if she's complaining about petty stuff. No matter how many times I am pregnant, I won't be able to completely enjoy another pregnancy like I did with Sara. I was nervous with Ethan, I could enjoy moments - when he was kicking, hearing his heartbeat, watching him on the monitor at an ultrasound, but for the most part there was an underlying nervousness all the time. I'm jealous that I lost my innocence when I lost Sara.

But when I see pregnant women out shopping, at restaurants, my first thought isn't a jealous one, it's "will she lose her baby?" Statistically speaking, other babies will die. I wonder if that woman will turn up in my support group. I don't wish harm to any of them. I'm just aware now, aware that babies die - whether it be a cord accident, a genetic issue, a virus that the mother has passed on, the mother & unborn baby being involved in an accident or an unknown cause.

I can be around pregnant women, but I have to be able to have some control of the situation. We have several friends who are pregnant, I can chat with the women about their pregnancy. I ask the questions & they reply. Sometimes I bring up Sara, as in, "Sara measured X at Y weeks, while Ethan was Z." I think any woman who has been pregnant would do the same. I don't want to frighten our friends talking about losing Sara, but if it makes them be more aware, ask their doctor more questions, it's worth any moments of uncomfortableness.

I'm trying to start Ethan on a daily routine. Usually I let him sleep in his swing or bouncer, but today, he was put in his crib for his mid-morning nap. So far he's slept for 45 minutes, but it sounds like he'll be waking up soon.

I've included a picture of Ethan in his Santa suit, you shouldn't be denied such cuteness.

Bringing You Up-To-Date

A few days ago ethan & I stopped at the drugstore. There are 2 registers facing each other. I stood in line waiting for the first available cashier. The woman behind me asked if I was in line for the register that was closer (by 2 feet) or first available. I said "First available". I could hear her huffing & puffing behind me about the wait. There really wasn't much of a wait, she was 3rd in line & the cashiers were moving quickly. I moved up when a register opened & that woman moved up behind another woman still at the register. The first woman starts complaining about the wait. Then I heard her say, " I'm a lung cancer survivor, I have a right to speak up." Huh?? You have a second chance at life and you gripe about a 3 minute wait to check out? I wanted to turn around and say, "I'm surviving the loss of my stillborn daughter, I'm not complaining about a short wait." Later I told my friend about the comment. We were both annoyed by her attitude, aren't we all facing some trials & tribulations? Death of a loved one, divorce, abusive relationships, stressful jobs.

We had a lovely Christmas. DH, Ethan & I exchanged gifts Sunday night. DH surprised me with a KitchenAid stand mixer - fun!! I also got a LL Be.an fleece jacket & toiletry bag. DH received a new putter & polo style shirt with his college logo on it.

Monday we drove to visit my family and to DH's mother's family on Christmas Day. Ethan got several toys, books, clothes & diapers. He received some money that will go straight into his college fund. We returned home on Wednesday. We were glad to be able to sleep in our own bed.

Monday afternoon, my mother wanted to take a nap. She was holding Ethan while I straightened up after changing his diaper. The next thing I knew she was in their waterbed with Ethan! I was so angry. It is not recommended to put babies in a waterbed - period. I told her that. She said that she was with him. I said, "But you want a nap and then no one is watching him. I've already lost one baby. I don't want Ethan in a situation that makes me uncomfortable." I took him out of the room, she probably pouted, but I'm sure she understood.

DH's family makes a family scrapbook. His mother included Sara in her pages with a butterfly & a caption saying,"Sara is always in our hearts." We included a butterfly as well. I plan to always incorporate a butterfly into our pages to remember Sara.

Poems for Sara

DH's grandfather wrote the following poems for Sara...

Sweet were our dreams for you
And sweet are our dreams of you.
You will forever be in our heart.
Our anticipation from the start
Underestimated the effect of you.

As we etch your memory in our mind
We are so pleased at what we find:
A child we love, and always will,
A love that stays on with us still
Which helps think of others - kind.

Remembering our plans for you,
We know God will make them true.
The joy we shared while you were here
Will help us keep you ever dear
And in our plans that's true.

As time passes slowly by us
We take time to make a fuss,
To plant a tree or pick a cause,
To have a prayer or just a pause
To think about your time with us.

(Written Sept. 30, 2007, 2 days before Sara's birthday)

From Mourning to Morning

A year of mourning now has passed

We find the morning here at last

Enter new life and save the past

In our hearts and memories cast

Deeply within us as a mast

With sails that push to outlast

Our feelings of sorrow or downcast

To bring back the joy you brought

At last.

(written Oct. 4, 2007, 2 days after Sara's birthday, 7 days before her brother Ethan was born.)

Sara's tree

Last year i couldn't bring myself to decorate the Christmas tree. But then a friend from our grief group gave us an ornament that touched me. It's a ceramic disk with a picture of an angel singing painted on it. On the back is Sara's name & her birth information. It was such a sweet gesture. So I decided that this year I wanted to decorate a tree just for Sara. I sent a note to our parents, siblings, & a few other close family members, inviting them to share an ornament that represented Sara's spirit. ( That was hard to word, I wanted to be sure that no one gave us a "Baby's 2nd Christmas" ornament, but I couldn't come out & say that unless asked.) We received several ornaments over Thanksgiving - angels, hearts, butterflies, a snowflake (because snowflakes last only a moment but touch your soul forever.) doves, a cross, perfect ornaments to honor Sara.

Missing Sara

Yesterday, I went to the store to buy a 3 foot Christmas tree just for Sara. It will be in our living room & all of the ornaments will be for Sara. I enjoyed my time in the store - all the pretty ornaments, the cute snowmen & Santas, the sparkly gift wrap. I looked at a few ornaments, but didn't buy anymore, not until I hang the ones we have. If it needs more, I'll buy more. Plus I forgot lights.
When I got home & removed the tree from its box, I was suddenly sad. I didn't want a damn tree, I want Sara. I felt good, doing something to remember Sara and at the same time so sad.

Early this morning, I had a dream about Sara, I don't often dream about her, at least not that I recall. So I cherish the ones I do remember. In this dream Sara was still the size she was at birth and Ethan was his current size, so he was huge compared to little Sara. But for a moment I could 'see' both of my babies. I felt so happy and at peace seeing Sara & Ethan together. But then I also felt sad, my dreams can't come true, Sara's never coming back.

How Could She?

Friday evening, my friend M. came over to meet Ethan. I've been friends with M. since Jr. High, over 20 years. (Ugh, I feel really old, seeing that.) In the past few years, M. has become very busy with her family & job, so we don't get together often, although we live 20 minutes away from each other.

She asked about Ethan's birth, b/c I had only given her the highlights when we talked on the phone. M. has 1 son & had him by C-section, so we compared C-section stories. At one point though she said something about "first-time deliveries". It made me catch my breath, Ethan is not my first delivery, how could she forget? (DH heard her say it too, she implied that this was our first time, like her first & only time in a delivery room.) She caught herself quickly & moved on to a different topic. I didn't call her out, but I made it a point to mention Sara then, comparing the 2 labors & deliveries.

It hurt. I know she didn't mean to hurt me, it was just a slip of the tongue. She was caught up in her son's birth story & it just came out. But it did hurt. It hurt that for even a split second, one of my oldest friends forgot that I had been pregnant before, that I had delivered a beautiful daughter who had died.

Halloween

Last year, Halloween was awful. I had been looking forward to taking Sara to a pumpkin patch for pictures, the start of the holidays, etc...Instead I cried most of the day. DH & I went out for dinner & hid in the house, avoiding the fairies & superheroes that ran around our neighborhood.

This year, we took Ethan to a pumpkin patch a few weeks ago. I dressed him in his Halloween onesie. He slept through the trick-or-treaters. There were some cute little at our door. I couldn't help but wonder what I would have dressed Sara up as when I saw the little princesses & ladybugs. Ethan was sleeping in the living room - he couldn't be seen from the door. But one little girl must have seen all the baby stuff behind me. She said, " Oh, you have a baby. Can I see him?" I explained that he was sleeping, gave her some candy & she was happy.
Another tiny little girl, maybe 18 months, said to me, "You pretty." Yeah, I felt gorgeous in my gray t-shirt & khaki shorts with little breastmilk stains on them. She deserved more candy!!
We were out of candy soon after 8pm. It probably would have lasted longer if I hadn't been sampling all the Peeps. But we were tired & wanted to get some sleep.

I meant to post this with my story about Lisa, our nurse from last year. We had shared Sara's story with our day nurse this year. When it came time for me to get the epidural, she said, "Remember how this is done?" I told her flat out, "No." I remember being taken to a delivery room & being hooked up to monitors & IVs , but as far as the method, no I don't remember. My world was crashing down, I don't remember the position I sat in to get an epidural. She asked that several times as we waited for labor to progress & each time I said No. She won't be getting a thank you note from us for her care.

Thoughts

We got home Monday afternoon. Since then I try to sleep when I can. Ethan tends to sleep all day & then is awake during the night & wants to nurse more. Luckily I can sneak in naps myself. Today he was up for a while during the late afternoon, so I hope he'll sleep more tonight.

I've done so much laundry. We received a lot of clothes as gifts so I've been washing the 0-3 month sizes as well as sorting & storing the bigger sizes.

I think Ethan looks like Sara in a sibling-kinda way, not a spitting image, but they favor each other. Usually when Ethan is peacefully sleeping, I can see Sara. It doesn't upset me. I just think "Sara is gone", just acknowledging everything that the loss of my daughter encompasses. If Sara were here, I wouldn't have Ethan. I'll always love & honor Sara, but having Ethan to hold, to nurse, to change his diapers, I know more of what I missed with Sara. Sara has taught me so much about myself.

We planned to deliver vaginally, but after pushing for 2 hours, Ethan wasn't progressing; I went in for a C-section. I started getting anxious after 9:30 pm. Sara was delivered at 10:22pm, Ethan was born at 10:17pm. After he was delivered, we were told that the umbilical cord was around his neck 4 times. I don't even want to think about what would have happened if we had continued to push. (Although I was so exhausted, I think DH would have insisted on a C-section.) I know Sara was watching over us Thursday night.

DH's grandfather wrote a beautiful poem for Sara, saing how we've come full circle in a year's time & have felt pain & joy and that we'll keep her memory with us. I cry everytime I read it.

This is Ethan in his Thinking Cap.

HOME!

Just a quick post & then I should rest.

Ethan James was born Oct 11 at 10:17pm. He weighed 8lb, 14 oz & was 21 inches long. He's beautiful. We ended up having a C-section, after pushing for 2 hours & not making progress. Hearing him cry was the most beautiful sound.
Sunday morning his numbers for jaundice screening were high, so he was put on the bili-blanket. He was our little glow worm. The numbers went down a bit & we were finally released Monday afternoon. It's good to be at home with our son.
I'm doing ok, healing as well as can be expected after a c-section.

The Final Countdown

I'm one of those people who cleans the house before a vacation. I figure I'll have plenty of laundry to do when we get back home, junk mail to sort through, etc...So today I did a final touch-up around the house - nothing extreme - just swept, wiped down the kitchen & bath, we'll run the dishwasher tomorrow morning after breakfast & take out the trash before we leave.
But this time we're not going on a vacation. We're having a baby!! This will be the last night at home - just the 2 of us. The next time we step into our house, we'll have Peanut with us. (Well, I've been carrying him around for the last 38 weeks, but you know what I mean.) For the past few days, DH & I have been saying "This is the last time we (fill-in-the-blank) until Peanut's born.
It feels strange to know that tomorrow we'll be waiting for Peanut to be born. No more wondering "Is today's the day, will I go into early labor?"
I think we're all ready - our bag is packed, cameras charged, email list is set up, car seat installed. Now if only I can get some sleep.

We found out tonight that DH's mother is sick and won't be able to make it to the hospital tomorrow. We're all upset, it means so much to us to have our parents there as soon as possible. I ordered some flowers to be delivered to her house tomorrow. The card is addressed to 'Granny' & signed with Peanut's real name. It felt funny to type out his name that other people will see. DH's mother may find out Peanut's name before he's actually born depending on when the flowers are delivered vs. Peanut's delivery.

Oh yeah- anyone want a cat? DH discovered that our cat pooped in the nursery tonight. His litter box is clean, so I think he acting out. If the cat continues to poop in the nursery or other inappropriate behavior, he WILL be shipped off to live with my parents.

If there are no other posts from me within the next 8 hours, you'll know I was able to get some sleep or at least find some decent re-runs on TV. Otherwise, I'll be back, I don't know what I'll blog about.

Hoping for a wonderful Labor Day,
Kristi

Lovely Day

Well it actually started last night, DH & I went to one of our support groups. These women are so amazing. Through a random connection, one of the women emailed me days after losing Sara & invited us to the group. Well it just so happened that instead of the regular group therapy, they were having a pot luck dinner a week after our loss. But we attended. 2 of the women were pregnant after their own losses, some had had a baby already, others were trying to figure out the next step on their path. That meeting/dinner was a year ago.

Last night's group was great - we talked about Sara & Peanut and everyone got to share their story, where they are now. We just feel so hopeful & peaceful after spending the evening with them. They are a wealth of information, recommending drs., other therapists, etc... & just so positive and hopeful after going through a loss.

Recently one of the women gave birth & a baby shower was thrown for her & Baby J. today. Again it felt so amazing to be surrounded by these women who have found their new "normal" after a loss. This time I was one of the pregnant women. There was a toddler, a 1 month old & the guest of honor who is 2 months old. Other children were at school or day care. If the group had been in a public place, I'm sure no one would have even considered the heartbreak that we have been through, that brought us together.

They are so excited for us, they discussed when they would come visit us at the hospital. I want our hospital room to be overflowing with friends & family. It was so quiet after losing Sara, we only allowed our parents to visit. I don't think I could have handled more at that time. We had a lovely memorial service for Sara & so many friends & family attended that.

I can't believe we'll be inducing labor in a matter of hours. I plan to stay busy tomorrow so I'll be able to get some sleep Wednesday night. This is one appointment we will not be late for!

Counting down the days...

Yesterday we had our last scheduled ultrasound/OB appts. I'm dilated 3 cm! Peanut is looking good - practicing his breathing, still has hair and he's big! They guestimate that he weighs 8 lb. 13 oz. I'm so glad we're inducing early, I couldn't wait until we're at 40 weeks - both for my anxiety & his size!

We discussed the possibility of having a C-section - if I don't progress quickly enough, if Peanut's big shoulders get stuck,etc... DH & I are both OK with the idea of having a C-section - whatever we have to do to have a healthy, live baby. I'd prefer to deliver vaginally just for recovery issues, but oh well.

This morning we were watching the news - next Thursday is now in the forecast - it's predicted to be in the low 90's on the day our son is delivered. It's just wild to think how close we are to having our son. These next few days are going to drag. We have a few things to do to pass the time - work, football (Go Soo.ners!), cleaning/preparing the nursery. I have a baby shower to go to - the baby's already here, we meet the couple at our support group. I'll get a pedicure this weekend.

I think our cat is acting out, knowing that his life is about to change. He's our only pet & spoiled rotten. He likes to go outside & hang out on the porch. This morning when I let him back inside, there was a dead baby bird on the porch. Kitty hasn't brought home a dead animal in years. Bad Kitty! No Treats for you!

We survived!

Yesterday was Sara's first birthday. I didn't know how we would react to all the emotions. Part of me was afraid that I'd wake up crying and not stop. But it ended up being a peaceful day.

DH & I went through Sara's things - that was probably the hardest part of the day - seeing her untouched pictures again (we had them touched up & display those.), the blanket she was wrapped up in, her hair.
We looked through the cards we received, the donations that were made in Sara's memory.

We had an appt with our therapist. On the way, we stopped for coffee. The barista commented on my necklace - Sara's charm in the shape of a heart. It was nice - someone noticed, even though she didn't realize what the heart represented.

At the therapist's, we talked about remembering & honoring Sara on her day & after Peanut's born. We talked about signs of post part.um depres.sion & what we could do to prevent any extra stress.

We went to the jewelry store to buy an new charm for my bracelet.

Then we went to the hospital. I was dreading it & looking forward to it at the same time. I hadn't been back since losing Sara. We went to the nurses station & asked about the nurses we had last year - neither were on duty. Maybe we'll see them when Peanut's born. We explained the care package & the nurses started to tear up. Then we asked to visit our friends Monica & her DH - their precious son was born on Oct. 1. The nurses said that they knew Monica & told us which room she was in. I'm sure they put the information together & realized that we knew each other from our support group - not just co-workers or other normal friendships.

We held a newborn baby on Sara's birthday! We can't wait for Peanut to be born now. To see Monica & her DH so happy, we want that! Monica shoo'ed everyone out of he room - she knew it might be hard for us to be there on Sara's birthday - but surprisingly - it wasn't. We felt very peaceful.

I wish I could do a better job of explaining how we felt. We felt peaceful & close to Sara. We created traditions that we hope to continue. Sara will be remembered!

Greeting cards

Yesterday I wrote notes in 3 cards - 1 for Monica, her DH & Critter, 1 for my friend B. & her DH on the upcoming birth date of their daughter that they lost & 1 to put in a care package for a couple that will have a loss at our hospital eventually. (I don't know this couple & the loss hasn't occurred yet, DH & I decided to leave a care package for the inevitable.) I feel like this is our role in life now - celebrating a birth after a loss, remembering a loss at special times & lending support when another loss occurs.
I've also received a few greeting cards in the past few days. Sara & I share our birthday. It is HER day now, I can't "celebrate". Maybe once Peanut is born... 2 of our aunts sent birthday cards to me - both were sweet & to the point - "We're thinking of you at this time." I would be pissed if anyone sent a card with clowns & monkeys in costumes. The same aunts sent separate cards remembering Sara. I was so touched, just a simple gesture, but it means so much that people remember our Sara.

So now I'll be sending more greeting cards - thanking them for remembering Sara. (I think I'm keeping the Postal Service in business.)

10 more days until Peanut's born. (Today's half over & the 11th is his day)

Sara's Tree

Over the weekend DH & I went to my parents' house to visit Sara's Tree. Friday night I made cupcakes - strawberry (pink of course) w/ vanilla icing. I started crying while making them, this wasn't how I imagined preparing for my daughter's birthday.
Saturday we stopped by the store for flowers & balloons. DH dropped me off while he filled up the gas tank. I went to the floral area & asked for 8 pink balloons (8 people would be at her tree.) The lady asked if they were for a shower. Silly me, I was wearing pink, obviously pregnant & asking for pink balloons. I just said No. She said that they have pink balloons with "it's a girl" printed on them. I just shook my head. She dropped it then. I picked out 3 bunches of pink roses in various shades. DH walked in just as I was paying for everything, perfect timing.

When we got to my parents' house, DH went to prune Sara's tree. He found a tiny tree frog hiding in the leaves. He tied a pink bow around the trunk & placed the roses in bucket at the base. At sunset, we went back out to her tree - DH & me, my parents, my younger sister, her husband & their 2 sons. When my 4 y.o. nephew saw the balloons, he asked what they were for. I told him that we were remembering our Angel. I tried to be careful to not upset him. My sister said that occasionally he will talk about "the baby that died." But being so close to Peanut's due date, I didn't want to scare him.

We wrote messages on the balloons & talked about her/to her - saying how we loved her, thought about her, missed her. I was touched that my brother-in-law was the first to speak up. We released the balloons & they all floated up together. We watched until they were just little specks in the sky. After dinner, we ate the cupcakes.

Currently Sara's Tree is fenced in to protect it from the cows (yes, I'm a country girl), but my father said that he plans to change the fenceline so the tree will be accessible. We also plan to buy a small marker with Sara's name & birthdate on it & a bench to place under the tree. I think my parents are pleased to have Sara's Tree there, she doesn't have a gravesite, but this gives our family a place to go to remember & honor her. We hope that this will become a family tradition, a time for our family to remember our baby girl.

As hard as it was, I felt very peaceful. I love you Miss Sara!

24 more days!

24 more days until we induce! 2 dozen days! I could buy a 24 pack of root beer & have one a day, counting down the days until we go to the hospital.
4 more grocery-shopping trips. 3 more gas tank fill-ups.
3 more ultrasounds/OB appts.

During that time, we'll also honor Sara - 15 more days until her birthday. I'll always love you & miss you Sweet Girl.

What a bittersweet time...

Made With Aloha!

According to the King's Hawaiian bread website (and I always confirm my factual data on food websites), "Aloha stands for much more than just "hello" or "goodbye" or "love." Its literal meaning is the joyful (oha) sharing(alo) of life energy (ha) in the present (alo). The Aloha Spirit, then, is an all-encompassing attitude toward life: positive, loving, spiritual, respectful."

Our son was conceived in Hawaii. I don't say that to brag. To me it feels like it was destiny. DH & I hadn't talked about going to Hawaii, actually we considered a small trip to Georgia in the spring. Long story short, we were offered the use of a beautiful house on the beach on the Big Island in January. Of course, we couldn't turn it down. The friend who offered the house - I met after losing Sara - such generosity! Hawaii is such a beautiful, healing place. I felt like my soul was recharged there. I have a picture of me & DH while in Hawaii - we have smiles on our faces, real smiles.

I feel like Sara played a role in our wonderful vacation, that she was giving us her blessing for a sibling. I can't wait to go back to Hawaii, it will always be a special place for us.

Aloha!

Bound By Angels

I was looking through my email address book - I have emails of 17 women who have lost babies - 17!! And I have met all of these women in real life. The majority are from our 2 support groups, 2 I had met previously - 1 is the sister of a former co-worker, another I had met through networking.

Then there's B. (If you're reading, Hi B!) I've known B since she was a baby. I'm 10 years older than her, but now it's like we're the same age. We grew up in a small town, attending the same church - she still attends, I try to go when visiting my parents. (Just going to church has been hard this last year - surrounded by babies, especially at Christmas & Easter.) Our families have attended this church for decades. B lost her daughter 4 days after we lost Sara. B's husband & my mother worked together until a few weeks ago - he changed jobs.
I saw B about 6 weeks before we lost our daughters - at my nephew's baptism - she & her husband are friends of my younger sister & her husband. We were both happily pregnant & chatted for a few minutes about our babies. Now we call & email ech other often. B is pregnant again - 17 weeks along.

Before losing Sara, I don't recall knowing anyone who lost a baby during their pregnancy other than my aunt who lost a son 35+ years ago. Now I know 17 - plus others that I met at group, but didn't exchange emails with. I'm glad I have met all of these women, they have helped me & DH during this difficult journey, hopefully we provided some support to them as well. This is a horrible club to belong to, but the members are some of the most amazing people I know!

Differences

I'm 34 weeks today - one more month! I can't believe how quickly this pregnancy has gone by. In some ways, this pregnancy has been very similar to Sara's - not much morning sickness - with Sara, I has started taking my prenatal vitamins in the morning, that made me sick, so I quickly changed to taking them before bed. With this pregnancy, Peanut doesn't like coffee, some mornings just the sight of coffee on a commercial made me gag. I was tired in the 1st & 3rd trimesters with both pregnancies - as to be expected.
But the differences! I've gained more weight with Peanut than with Sara. I hadn't lost all of the weight from my first pregnancy when I got pregnant again, so I'm at the heaviest I've ever been. I don't let that bother me - as long I can bring home a healthy baby, I don't care how big I get. But Peanut is big too! He approximately weighs 6 lb, 3 oz, Sara weighed 5 lb, 4.8 oz when she was delivered. Of course my mental state is different. I'm so excited to be pregnant again & so very close to having Peanut soon. But my innocence is gone. I know that all babies don't live and sometimes it's hard to imagine the future with a baby. But then I have moments of excitement, I'll buy clothes for Peanut, knowing that he'll get to wear them.
One of the biggest differences though is the placenta. With Sara, the placenta was in the front, it dulled her movements. I could feel her move & often DH could too. But comparing the two, OMG it's so different. I feel Peanut moving so much more, I can pick up on weaker movements from him, as he's warming up for his dance routines. He performs several times a day, in addition to general re-arranging. I put a small bowl on my belly while he's wiggling & it moves, my whole belly rolls. Sometimes it tickles. It gives me reassurance when I can feel him move so much. I wish Sara's placenta were in the back, then her kicks & wiggles could have been stronger too. Perhaps I would have noticed more of a change in her movements. I know the placenta didn't affect her, but I wonder if our story would be different if it were in the back.