Springtime

Spring brings new change and our lives are changing - it's good stuff. I got a full-time job. I've been teaching part-time at the local community college. But I haven't been very happy with it. My new job is in the admissions office of the college. I'll finish teaching (it's just one afternoon a week)this semester, but that's it.

So far, I'm enjoying the job, just learning all of the systems. My co-workers are nice. There are perks - 4 day work weeks during the summer, school holidays plus vacations.

On my first day, I met with my 2 direct supervisors. We talked about my responsibilities, upcoming projects & events, etc...They mentioned that they like to keep it light & fun in the office. They said for birthdays they'll have small parties - cake, snacks. They asked when was my birthday. Uh oh. I've only worked part-time since Sara died and have been able to avoid working on our birthday. I told them "October 2" but I got choked up. I told them that I didn't like to celebrate my birthday. I'm sure they thought that was odd. I was able to say "My daughter died on my birthday." They didn't ask any questions. I was OK with that.

So far I haven't said anything to my other co-workers about Sara. This year my birthday falls on a Saturday. So I'll have the actual day off. Maybe I'll tell them about her at our Monday morning meeting the week before. I'll just see how I'm feeling at that time.

Ethan has started going to day care full-time now & adjusted well. We've been happy with the current school, but we really liked another church day school in town. They didn't offer a part-time plan so it wasn't available before. Now that we need full-time care, we looked into switching. Thankfully they had an opening for Ethan's age group. It's a newer building, bigger playground, lots of activities. Ethan's cousin attends this day school, they'll see each on the playground. They also served a hot lunch. I've been packing lunch for Ethan. When I was working part-time it wasn't such a big deal. But now since I'm full-time, I'd prefer to spend time with Ethan & DH rather than finding to a decent meal to pack.

One of the local attraction is an antique carousel. It's only open for special events or if it's rented for private parties. It was open during spring Break. Ethan & I had a picnic at the park with my sister & her 2 sons and then the boys rode the carousel.

Unexpected

Back in September, I wrote about an old school friend who died unexpectedly. Since then three more high school classmates have died. I wasn't very close with any of them, but we lived in a small town, each grade level had approximately 100 students, everyone knew everyone. These were guys I saw in the halls, at lunch, around town for years.

J, who died in September, was two grades ahead of me. He died of a heart defect that had not been discovered before. He exposed me to Ni.ne In.ch N@ils at a party back in the 90's.

M died in December of a virus. He was in ICU before passing away. I had known him the longest. We lived a few miles apart, attended the same elementary school. He was a grade level below me. I remember he memorized a Shel S1lverstein poem for a competition in elementary. I ran into him a few years ago at a music festival in Austin. It was nice to see him.

C had special needs and probably had numerous medical issues. He died of pnuemonia in early March. He took special ed. classes so I didn't see C. often. He was a big fan of our high school sports, always cheering. He always had a smile on his face and loved to hug. Someone created a webpage in his memory, there have been so many posts about his positive outlook on life.

T. just died this past Tuesday from a construction accident. I remember him being a shy, sweet guy. He left a 2 y.o. daughter & his wife, that breaks my heart. I've been sad since I heard the news.

Like I said, I wasn't very close to any of these guys, but I guess I'm just shocked to know these young men who died too soon. We aren't too surprised to hear when the eldery die, but when they still have so much living to do, when they are cheated of growing old with their spouses, watching their children grow up, it's heartbreaking. Each of these young men died unexpectedly, leaving their families to grieve. Tell your family and friends that you love them.

Want more?

This weekend my sister & I had a garage sale. One of the first customers told me that I looked familiar. We figured out that our sons go to the same day care, although in different classes.

We were selling lots of baby gear and clothes that Ethan(the youngest boy, my sister has 2 sons.)had outgrown. The woman asked, "You don't want more?" I get this often. I don't mind when good friends or relatives ask, but I find it rude when strangers ask.

DH & I always wanted one child. After losing Sara, we knew we would try again. We feel complete with Ethan. He's almost 2.5 years old and we haven't discussed trying again.

I, too, would ask close friends if they wanted more children. But I'm not comfortable asking strangers. It's just none of my business. When I am asked, I feel like the person asking is expecting a complete explanation of why we're not having more. I usually don't want to go into losing Sara and how emotionally difficult my second pregnancy was. I usually just shrug my shoulders and say "We just don't." I'm not going to judge people if they decided that they don't want any children or if they want their own baseball team. As long as they love and care for their children, that's all that matters.

Why do strangers ask though? So many times, I've been tempted to say, in a whisper, "Because my therapist says I shouldn't." But living in a small town, that would be a bad idea to say.


Off topic, but I wonder why people do this: Say it's your birthday and a co-worker or other person finds out and then they say,"Oh my father-in-law's birthday is coming up next week." I don't get it. Am I suppose to send a card to him? People are born everyday, people share birthdays, strangers share birthday. I'm sure I've done this, it's just quirky to me.

Baby Loss on Reality TV

Last night I was flipping through the channels. I saw that Run'$ H0u$e was on. I have never watched this show, but I knew about it. I remembered hearing a few years ago that the wife lost a baby while they were filming the show. I didn't have a frame of reference except that I knew I had to have hear it before losing Sara, otherwise, I know I would have searched for it before. I wasn't sure when I had heard it though - either before being pregnant or in the early months of being pregnant with Sara.

I clicked on the info button, the description said that the family was awaiting the arrival of a new member. It aired in 2007. Sara died in Oct 2006, so I figured it was a subsequent child. I watched. The mother was 9 month pregnant, the family was in good spirits. Run & his wife joked about where to go to eat. She only wanted H00ter's wings, he felt that it was inappropriate for him, as a reverend, to go there. The screen went black, I thought they were going to commercial. I glanced down at the magazine in my lap. The TV was quiet, so I looked up. On the screen were the words (paraphrased)"Her water broke that night and they went to the hospital. The baby died at birth."

It was THE episode! I started bawling immediately. Like my own loss, it was so unexpected. They were just joking about going to H00ter's and now the baby was gone.

I believe the rest of the episode was rehearsed and edited because it was such a personal and tragic event. The young children come into the hospital asking if it was a girl or a boy. The mother tells them that it was a girl, that she was sick and didn't make it. The boys seemed shocked, but they didn't cry.

Overall I thought they handled the episode well, they maintained privacy but yet gave the audience small glimpses of their sadness.

The episode was dedicated to Baby Victoria - September 26, 2006. She died six days before my Sara! I must have been so caught up in my own excitement of my daughter being born soon that I didn't completely register what happened. I had heard the news through a gossipy message board - probably from people who actually followed the show, although the episode didn't air until months later.

If you're interested in reading the full summary of this episode or watching it, go here.

Welcome Baby S.

Yesterday Baby S. was born!! His parents go to my church. Last year they lost their first son Gabe at 5 months due to pneumonia. Baby S. was born exactly one year later.

I can only imagine the emotions the parents are going through. I know how hard it is for me to share a birthday with Sara. Perhaps this brought closure for the parents.

Looking forward to meeting you Baby S!

More Butterflies...

Back in November, Ethan & I went to visit one of my dearest friends in San Antonio. The three of us went to the zoo. The San Antonio Zoo has a butterfly house - an enclosed greenhouse with several varieties of butterflies as well as plants. As soon as we walked in, a butterfly landed on my shoulder and stayed there for several minutes. It was a very peaceful place. Outside of the butterfly house are butterfly cutouts for photo opportunities. This is Ethan in two of them.

Last March I posted about a couple from my church who lost their 5 month old son. They are pregnant again, expecting their second son approximately the same time the first son, Baby Gabe, died -late February/early March. The mother has been having contractions already. She had a dr. appt on Friday, may have to be put on bedrest, I haven't heard an update yet. They have already talked about inducing early - like at 36.5 weeks. Please keep this family in your prayers.

Christmas Cards

Saturday we received several Christmas cards. Two in particular stand out. One we received from a family who lost their 16 year old daughter. They sent a photo card, in the center was a Christmas ornament with her name on it. Then on either side was a photo of the family. They also included a free-form poem, basically listing things that they did through out 2009, meaning that their daughter was with them as they experienced these things. I cried when I read it, so beautiful and touching.

The second card was from a young family, they sent a photo card of their nearly 2 year old daughter. Their poem included the news that they are pregnant again, due in the summer. I couldn't help but think, "I hope nothing happens to the baby." I know I wouldn't be comfortable making an announcement that way.

Ethan was honored in his great-grandparents' Christmas card. They handmake their Christmas cards, have been for 60 years! The cover showed a little drummer boy. Inside they wrote that this was the 60th year of their making cards and it was dedicated to the two new drummers in the family, Ethan and a cousin who started playing drums in her jr. high band. I found it to be a wonderful coincidenece because we took a picture of Ethan playing on a full drum set, then on our Christmas card the message was " I'll play my drums for Him... pa rum pa pum pum..."