Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Five years

It's currently 4:34am on Oct 3rd. I'm wide awake. Ethan comes to our bed a couple of times a week. Usually I can sleep with him, tonight/this morning, he was rolling all over me. I've been lying in the guest room, trying to sleep for over an hour. It's just not happening. Yesterday October 2nd was the 5 year anniversary of Sara's death. Five years! Five years is a long time to live with a broken heart. The weeks leading up to her days always seem to get jumbled together, I get my days confused. Of course, I plan two parties for my children roughly a week apart, some things get mixed up.

 On Friday, DH & I talked with Ethan, we wanted him to understand why we release balloons to Sara, why Mommy is so sad at this time. He'll be 4 next week. I thinks he wants to understand, but death is such a huge concept, it's difficult for a liitle boy. He asked when Sara would be alive again. Breaks my heart. I think all the talk about a little girl that he couldn't see was overwhelming. On our way home from the balloon release, Ethan asked if we could stop talking about Sara. Perhaps he wanted his mommy to be happy again. He kept wiping away my tears, telling me it was ok. I told him that's it's ok to cry when you're sad.

 For my birthday, I got my birthstone charm for my bracelet. It's right next to my charm of the mother and baby. Ethan says the baby is him and the birthstone is the light that always shines on us. He really makes my heart burst with happiness.

 Sara's balloon release was nice. There were 13 of us there this year. My mother-in-law took flowers to her church in Sara's Memory. DH & I sent 2hibiscus plants to our church, although we didn't attend services. My mother-in-law also bought some milkweed plants, one to plant near Sara's tree and one for our house. Milkweeds attract monarch butterflies. Our little girl is so very loved. I made cupcakes with buttercream icing. I ordered some edible butterflies, so pretty.
My nephew, Ethan, and nephew watching Sara's balloon float away.

 Friday 10/7 This week has turned out to be so emotional. On the 1st, some friends of DH had their daughter. They live across the country, so I know we won't be visiting them, I have been able to buy gifts for her without issues.

 On the 3rd, I took a couple of butterfly cupcakes to my friend. She lost her daughter to SIDS 11/2 years ago. I haven't seen or talked to her for months. We met after she lost her daughter, I sent a card, encouraging her to call if she wanted to talk. But we only talk when I bring my shoes in to be repaired at her shop. She is pregnant again! Due at the end of December. She seems very happy and I'm happy for her.

 That afternoon, I picked up Ethan from day care. His hand was swollen. It wasn't broken or sprained, must be infected. Poor baby had to have blood drawn and get 2 shots in his legs. It could have been serious if I had waited, the infection was already spreading up his arm. I was stressed. Why did this have to happen this week?

 On Thursday 10/6, one of my oldest friends had her daughter. A beautiful little girl. She sent a picture and I held my breath. She delivered at the same hospital that I did. Her little girl was wrapped in a blanket, the same printed blanket that Sara was wrapped in. I am happy for my friend and her family. Just sad for my Sara. Why couldn't she have had a chance?

 We had Ethan's birthday party on the 9th, I can't believe our little boy is already 4!