Saturday, October 27, 2007


My mother stayed the week with us. I know she really wanted to help out with Ethan. We had already spent the 1st week without any help & survived. It was nice to have her take over the early morning shift, so I could sleep, but other than that & some cleaning she did, there wasn't anything that we couldn't have handled alone.
My mother did comment on Ethan's feeding schedule - "Didn't he just eat?" "Well, 20 minutes ago & that was just for a few minutes before he dozed off." Seriously after losing Sara, feeding schedules are not important. Ethan is loved, clothed, clean, fed, safe & warm and ALIVE! I'm glad my mother went home. I felt like DH & I didn't joke around as much, not our silly selves. Plus I didn't want to rely on her too much b/c she lives 2 hours away - if I do need help right away, I'll call friends locally.
My father, sister, & 2 nephews came o pick up my mother/visit yesterday. CHAOS! My sister brought more hand-me-downs for Ethan, which we gladly accept, but the house is messier than I like during the transition. My nephews are cuties & generally well-behaved, our little house just felt even smaller & noisier.
So we're back to the 3 of us. And we couldn't be happier.

Monday, October 22, 2007


Last year we had a wonderful nurse Lisa who helped deliver Sara. She stayed with us most ofthe night. She treated us & Sara with so much respect. She took pictures of Sara - which we are grateful to have now. She helped us love Sara & create memories on the very worst day. She was spiritual without being overly preachy.

The Saturday after delivering Ethan, DH found Lisa (we had been checking around for her) & asked her to come by our room. She remembered us. We talked for a while. She seemed genuinely happy to see us again, this time with a healthy live baby in our arms.
We had several nurses during our stay with Ethan. They were all capable nurses, but I don't feel that any of them could have given us the experience we had with Lisa guiding us.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

What did I do before?

Ethan sleeps alot during the day. Between breastfeeding, pumping & diaper changes, I feel like I just have time to wash the dishes, maybe a load of laundry (because Ethan peed on his bedding), take a shower, help with meals( thaw previously frozen meals or simple meals), blogging once a week, write a couple of thank-you notes, then it's bedtime. How did I get everything done when I worked full-time or even part-time & very pregnant?

My mother is staying the week with us. Hopefully DH & I will get to have a date night.

DH & I took Ethan to a pumpkin patch last week.

I love Ethan so much. I think about Sara often, it's just bittersweet. I've cried for Sara while holding Ethan. While breastfeeding he often reaches up & grabs my necklace which has Sara's heart charm on it. His little fist is tightly wrapped around that heart.

OK Ethan's sleeping after a long nursing session, I'm gonna try to grab a nap.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007


We got home Monday afternoon. Since then I try to sleep when I can. Ethan tends to sleep all day & then is awake during the night & wants to nurse more. Luckily I can sneak in naps myself. Today he was up for a while during the late afternoon, so I hope he'll sleep more tonight.

I've done so much laundry. We received a lot of clothes as gifts so I've been washing the 0-3 month sizes as well as sorting & storing the bigger sizes.

I think Ethan looks like Sara in a sibling-kinda way, not a spitting image, but they favor each other. Usually when Ethan is peacefully sleeping, I can see Sara. It doesn't upset me. I just think "Sara is gone", just acknowledging everything that the loss of my daughter encompasses. If Sara were here, I wouldn't have Ethan. I'll always love & honor Sara, but having Ethan to hold, to nurse, to change his diapers, I know more of what I missed with Sara. Sara has taught me so much about myself.
We planned to deliver vaginally, but after pushing for 2 hours, Ethan wasn't progressing; I went in for a C-section. I started getting anxious after 9:30 pm. Sara was delivered at 10:22pm, Ethan was born at 10:17pm. After he was delivered, we were told that the umbilical cord was around his neck 4 times. I don't even want to think about what would have happened if we had continued to push. (Although I was so exhausted, I think DH would have insisted on a C-section.) I know Sara was watching over us Thursday night.

DH's grandfather wrote a beautiful poem for Sara, saing how we've come full circle in a year's time & have felt pain & joy and that we'll keep her memory with us. I cry everytime I read it.
This is Ethan in his Thinking Cap.

Monday, October 15, 2007


Just a quick post & then I should rest.

Ethan James was born Oct 11 at 10:17pm. He weighed 8lb, 14 oz & was 21 inches long. He's beautiful. We ended up having a C-section, after pushing for 2 hours & not making progress. Hearing him cry was the most beautiful sound.
Sunday morning his numbers for jaundice screening were high, so he was put on the bili-blanket. He was our little glow worm. The numbers went down a bit & we were finally released Monday afternoon. It's good to be at home with our son.
I'm doing ok, healing as well as can be expected after a c-section.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

The Final Countdown

I'm one of those people who cleans the house before a vacation. I figure I'll have plenty of laundry to do when we get back home, junk mail to sort through, etc...So today I did a final touch-up around the house - nothing extreme - just swept, wiped down the kitchen & bath, we'll run the dishwasher tomorrow morning after breakfast & take out the trash before we leave.
But this time we're not going on a vacation. We're having a baby!! This will be the last night at home - just the 2 of us. The next time we step into our house, we'll have Peanut with us. (Well, I've been carrying him around for the last 38 weeks, but you know what I mean.) For the past few days, DH & I have been saying "This is the last time we (fill-in-the-blank) until Peanut's born.
It feels strange to know that tomorrow we'll be waiting for Peanut to be born. No more wondering "Is today's the day, will I go into early labor?"
I think we're all ready - our bag is packed, cameras charged, email list is set up, car seat installed. Now if only I can get some sleep.

We found out tonight that DH's mother is sick and won't be able to make it to the hospital tomorrow. We're all upset, it means so much to us to have our parents there as soon as possible. I ordered some flowers to be delivered to her house tomorrow. The card is addressed to 'Granny' & signed with Peanut's real name. It felt funny to type out his name that other people will see. DH's mother may find out Peanut's name before he's actually born depending on when the flowers are delivered vs. Peanut's delivery.

Oh yeah- anyone want a cat? DH discovered that our cat pooped in the nursery tonight. His litter box is clean, so I think he acting out. If the cat continues to poop in the nursery or other inappropriate behavior, he WILL be shipped off to live with my parents.

If there are no other posts from me within the next 8 hours, you'll know I was able to get some sleep or at least find some decent re-runs on TV. Otherwise, I'll be back, I don't know what I'll blog about.

Hoping for a wonderful Labor Day,

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Lovely Day

Well it actually started last night, DH & I went to one of our support groups. These women are so amazing. Through a random connection, one of the women emailed me days after losing Sara & invited us to the group. Well it just so happened that instead of the regular group therapy, they were having a pot luck dinner a week after our loss. But we attended. 2 of the women were pregnant after their own losses, some had had a baby already, others were trying to figure out the next step on their path. That meeting/dinner was a year ago.

Last night's group was great - we talked about Sara & Peanut and everyone got to share their story, where they are now. We just feel so hopeful & peaceful after spending the evening with them. They are a wealth of information, recommending drs., other therapists, etc... & just so positive and hopeful after going through a loss.

Recently one of the women gave birth & a baby shower was thrown for her & Baby J. today. Again it felt so amazing to be surrounded by these women who have found their new "normal" after a loss. This time I was one of the pregnant women. There was a toddler, a 1 month old & the guest of honor who is 2 months old. Other children were at school or day care. If the group had been in a public place, I'm sure no one would have even considered the heartbreak that we have been through, that brought us together.

They are so excited for us, they discussed when they would come visit us at the hospital. I want our hospital room to be overflowing with friends & family. It was so quiet after losing Sara, we only allowed our parents to visit. I don't think I could have handled more at that time. We had a lovely memorial service for Sara & so many friends & family attended that.

I can't believe we'll be inducing labor in a matter of hours. I plan to stay busy tomorrow so I'll be able to get some sleep Wednesday night. This is one appointment we will not be late for!

Monday, October 8, 2007

Can't sleep

I can't sleep. I'm uncomfortable & was hungry. Usually I would watch TV in the living room until I got sleepy but I must have hit the wrong combination of buttons, the TV was 'on', but not the cable. Anyway, I have lots on my mind.

Earlier (late Sunday) I found out that a couple from our support group lost their 2nd baby at 15-16 weeks. DH & I saw them at a of event in early September & they told us that they were 3 months pregnant. We were so happy for them. They lost their first son in September 2006 & I've been so caught up in my own life, I forgot to contact them on their son's day. I had been thinking that I needed to email them, to see how the pregnancy was going. I'm just so heart-broken for them. I know what it's like to lose 1 baby, but 2 - there are probably other emotions that I haven't had to face. I'm thinking of you L. & R & your Babies.

I wish that there was something I could do for the couples who have had multiple losses. I don't know what. It's not a problem that you just throw money at, money doesn't guarantee a baby. I guess I can only remember these babies and be there for the parents.

Also when I can't sleep, I imagine scenarios that could be perfectly harmless turn out to be petty & ugly. Like tonight, I made up this scene that when my sister,niece & aunt come to visit, my niece is a complete brat - griping about how there's nothing to do at our house, wanting to eat ALL of our food, like we're a freaking buffet. I don't know the best description for my aunt. I love her & she wants to be helpful, but I could imagine if she offered to make a sandwich & I said, "Yes please", she would then ask questions like "How much mustard do you want? How many slices of lunchmeat? Should I use a paper plate?" The situations always turn out better than I imagine.

OK I'm getting sleepy. Hopefully I can find a comfy position.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

The Last Weekend

The last weekend before Peanut's born.

I kept busy today. I washed more of Peanut's clothes. Tomorrow I'll dust & vacuum the nursery so it's fresh when we have visitors.

I bought some new pillows for our bed. I figure that if we'll be getting less sleep, we should have nice pillows to get quality sleep.

I went to the card shop to buy a Christmas ornament for Sara's tree. This was my 3rd attempt. The 1st time I went was the 1st wave of releases of new ornaments. The particular ornament I was looking for was to be released in October. I had asked when in October & was told the 1st. So on the 2nd of October, DH & I stopped by the card shop, no it was being released the 1st weekend in October. So I went again today. At first I couldn't find it. I could understand selling out of Bar.bie ornaments or some other pop culture icon, but a memorial ornament?? An employee brought more out from back stock. I hated that the ornament I wanted was surrounded by "Baby's 1st Christmas" ornaments. Just another reminder of the unfairness of my life.

I got a pedicure - Electric Blue!!

I went by the grocery store to pick up things - fresh fruit & convienence foods to have on hand. I went to the restroom first. At the back of the stall was an empty box for feminine spray. How bad do you have to smell to buy feminine spray AND use it in the store??

This evening I got a text message - " R U getting wasted 2nite?" I laughed & wanted to reply - but what to say? I'm 37 weeks pregnant, no I'm not drinking tonight, maybe next Saturday dawg. Instead I just deleted it, it was a wrong number anyways.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Counting down the days...

Yesterday we had our last scheduled ultrasound/OB appts. I'm dilated 3 cm! Peanut is looking good - practicing his breathing, still has hair and he's big! They guestimate that he weighs 8 lb. 13 oz. I'm so glad we're inducing early, I couldn't wait until we're at 40 weeks - both for my anxiety & his size!

We discussed the possibility of having a C-section - if I don't progress quickly enough, if Peanut's big shoulders get stuck,etc... DH & I are both OK with the idea of having a C-section - whatever we have to do to have a healthy, live baby. I'd prefer to deliver vaginally just for recovery issues, but oh well.

This morning we were watching the news - next Thursday is now in the forecast - it's predicted to be in the low 90's on the day our son is delivered. It's just wild to think how close we are to having our son. These next few days are going to drag. We have a few things to do to pass the time - work, football (Go Soo.ners!), cleaning/preparing the nursery. I have a baby shower to go to - the baby's already here, we meet the couple at our support group. I'll get a pedicure this weekend.

I think our cat is acting out, knowing that his life is about to change. He's our only pet & spoiled rotten. He likes to go outside & hang out on the porch. This morning when I let him back inside, there was a dead baby bird on the porch. Kitty hasn't brought home a dead animal in years. Bad Kitty! No Treats for you!

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

We survived!

Yesterday was Sara's first birthday. I didn't know how we would react to all the emotions. Part of me was afraid that I'd wake up crying and not stop. But it ended up being a peaceful day.

DH & I went through Sara's things - that was probably the hardest part of the day - seeing her untouched pictures again (we had them touched up & display those.), the blanket she was wrapped up in, her hair.
We looked through the cards we received, the donations that were made in Sara's memory.

We had an appt with our therapist. On the way, we stopped for coffee. The barista commented on my necklace - Sara's charm in the shape of a heart. It was nice - someone noticed, even though she didn't realize what the heart represented.

At the therapist's, we talked about remembering & honoring Sara on her day & after Peanut's born. We talked about signs of post depres.sion & what we could do to prevent any extra stress.

We went to the jewelry store to buy an new charm for my bracelet.

Then we went to the hospital. I was dreading it & looking forward to it at the same time. I hadn't been back since losing Sara. We went to the nurses station & asked about the nurses we had last year - neither were on duty. Maybe we'll see them when Peanut's born. We explained the care package & the nurses started to tear up. Then we asked to visit our friends Monica & her DH - their precious son was born on Oct. 1. The nurses said that they knew Monica & told us which room she was in. I'm sure they put the information together & realized that we knew each other from our support group - not just co-workers or other normal friendships.

We held a newborn baby on Sara's birthday! We can't wait for Peanut to be born now. To see Monica & her DH so happy, we want that! Monica shoo'ed everyone out of he room - she knew it might be hard for us to be there on Sara's birthday - but surprisingly - it wasn't. We felt very peaceful.

I wish I could do a better job of explaining how we felt. We felt peaceful & close to Sara. We created traditions that we hope to continue. Sara will be remembered!