Birthdays

Last week was my co-worker's birthday. Our typical birthday celebration at work is for everyone to bring in snacks and desserts and we graze through the day. Other co-workers from other departments stop by to wish the birthday girl all the best. That's the part that makes me sad. As I sat near Kelly and heard people joke with her (Sweet 16? You don't look a day over 21! And the like...), I didn't think I could just grin while others good-naturally tease me. That day I imagined how I would react and the tears started welling up.

I also work with a woman Shannon. Her son and his girlfriend are pregnant. I've tried to ignore her discussions/family drama surrounding this pregnancy. The couple got married last week, they told Shannon, but didn't invite her to the courthouse ceremony. Shannon has been paying several hundred dollars a month for this couple's apartment and bills. Last night the girlfriend/new wife's water broke. They went to the hospital and Shannon joined them. She was not invited into the private room, although the couples' friends were. She was pissed. Understandably! The baby was delivered around lunchtime today. Shannon didn't leave work early to meet her first grandchild. Thoughout the day, I had to hear about this family drama, other women shared their delivery stories. I kept to myself for the most part. I was polite and asked the baby's name and congratulated her. But I was emotional all day. I couldn't wait to get home and shed a few tears.

I feel myself becoming more anxious, honoring Sara as her day approaches and how will I respond to working the days leading up to her day.

Want more?

This weekend my sister & I had a garage sale. One of the first customers told me that I looked familiar. We figured out that our sons go to the same day care, although in different classes.

We were selling lots of baby gear and clothes that Ethan(the youngest boy, my sister has 2 sons.)had outgrown. The woman asked, "You don't want more?" I get this often. I don't mind when good friends or relatives ask, but I find it rude when strangers ask.

DH & I always wanted one child. After losing Sara, we knew we would try again. We feel complete with Ethan. He's almost 2.5 years old and we haven't discussed trying again.

I, too, would ask close friends if they wanted more children. But I'm not comfortable asking strangers. It's just none of my business. When I am asked, I feel like the person asking is expecting a complete explanation of why we're not having more. I usually don't want to go into losing Sara and how emotionally difficult my second pregnancy was. I usually just shrug my shoulders and say "We just don't." I'm not going to judge people if they decided that they don't want any children or if they want their own baseball team. As long as they love and care for their children, that's all that matters.

Why do strangers ask though? So many times, I've been tempted to say, in a whisper, "Because my therapist says I shouldn't." But living in a small town, that would be a bad idea to say.


Off topic, but I wonder why people do this: Say it's your birthday and a co-worker or other person finds out and then they say,"Oh my father-in-law's birthday is coming up next week." I don't get it. Am I suppose to send a card to him? People are born everyday, people share birthdays, strangers share birthday. I'm sure I've done this, it's just quirky to me.

Anything would be better

Over the weekend, the brother of an old high school friend died. He was 37, had a heart attack due to an enlarged heart.

His funeral is tomorrow, in our hometown. I'm trying half-heartly to find a babysitter for Ethan so I could go. Funerals are hard - period. I haven't kept in touch with my old friend since graduating. But I know how much it meant to me to have friends and family at Sara's memorial service, so I'll try to go.

But another old friend will be there, M. M & C (the sister of the deceased man) are best friends. M & I have kept in touch over the years, lived in the same town until about 1.5 years ago. But after losing Sara, she said some thoughtless things.

I don't want to be bitter with her, but she doesn't get how hard it is to lose a child, she just always seems to say the wrong thing when I'm hurting. I don't think I wrote about this before, but this was probably the root of it. Six years ago, DH & I lost a friend in a car accident. We hadn't known her for very long, but she was one of those amazing people, she inspired others. I was truly heart-broken when Laura died. When I mentioned this to M., she shared her thoughts about death. She believes that when people die, perhaps it was because something worse was going to happen to them. I find that to be very naive. What's worse than dying young?? To leave your family & friends hurting, heart-broken, angry?

When Sara died, M said the same thing to me again. She honestly believes that. I was speechless. I just don't want to be around her anymore. I hope M hasn't said this to her best friend. Really, it's not comforting.

I just can't imagine anything worse than dying young. If Sara was born alive, but with medical issues - it would be hard and stressful, but I would have my daughter. I would know the color of her eyes, perhaps hear her laugh, feel her warm body in my arms.

I thought of 'bad' scenarios, but I know, like me, my daughter would be strong and she would survive emotionally, even if she was haunted by thos events. Anything would be better than dying young.

And so, I don't want to go to this funeral because I don't want M to try to catch up and act like she never hurt me. Not at a funeral two days before the anniversary of Sara's death. If I go, I'll only stay for the service, not for the socializing afterwards.

Random Comments

A few months after losing Sara, DH & I spent a late Christmas with his brother, sister-in-law & their kids and his father & his wife. At dinner the youngest niece was misbehaving. DH's brother said," Yeah if she had been the first -born, we wouldn't have had any more kids." DH & I looked at each other & the tears welled up. We excused ourselves and went outside. When we came back in, sister-in-law whispered a quick "sorry".

A few weeks ago, we had some friends and family over for a BBQ. I heard DH's brother tell some friends,"Yeah,if the youngest had been born first, we wouldn't have had any more kids." I wanted to snarl at him, "I'm so sorry that you have all three of your horrible kids." That stupid comment still stings. One day he's going at say it and I won't bite my tongue.

Several of the friends at the BBQ hadn't been to our house before, I gave a quick tour. While in Ethan's room, one of the women, a new neighbor, commented on the framed baptismal dress hanging there. At first she thought it was Ethan's outfit, but as she got closer, she realized it was a dress. Then she thought it may have been mine as a baby, but she realized it looked too new. So she asked why there was a framed dress in a little boy's room.

How I wish I could have a casual answer. "That old thing? I picked it up while vacationing in the Keys." Instead I take a deep breath and explain how we lost Sara at full-term. I like sharing Sara's story, hoping she'll be remembered.

I had a nice weekend. Friday night we dropped Ethan off with my parents and DH & I went to a BBQ cook-off. My sister's husband is a wonderful BBQ-er. I got to see a bunch of old friends, friends I haven't seen in 15+ years. Today DH & Ethan went to visit DH's mother. I had plans to visit a friend, but the plans fell through, so I went shopping alone. I prefer to shop alone some days, I'm on my time schedule, can go to the stores I want to go to. I went to a couple of children's clothes stores, got a few things for Ethan. I makes me a little sad to see all of the little girl clothes. I feel like I shouldn't even be on that side of the store.

2.5

(I starting writing this last Friday, the days have slipped away from me.)

The past few weeks, Sara has been on my mind. I guess it started about 3 weeks ago, my sister & I went shopping. We were chatting on the drive. A song started playing. Dea.d and Blo.ated by St.one Te.mple Pi.lots. "I am smelling like a rose that somebody gave me on my birthday death bed." Not exactly a tear-jerker. But what the hell else am I supposed to be reminded of except losing Sara?

A few days later, I got one of those surveys. This time it had a question "The last song that made you cry?" I immediately thought of "De.ad & Blo.ated" but I didn't want to explain that story, I didn't know where my answers would be forwarded on to. So I wrote "The Dance" by Garth Brooks.

Several times over the past few weeks, I would be thinking of other things and those thoughts would led me back to October 2006, back to the dr's office where it was confirmed that she was gone, back to coming home from the hospital to an empty, quiet house.

Today (4/3) I realized - it's been two and a half years since we lost Sara. TWO AND A HALF YEARS!!! Every day I think of her, I know she's gone and my life is different because she's gone. I say how much I miss her, but "miss" doesn't feel like the right word. I miss my grandparents who have all passed away, I miss old friends that I've lost contact with. I have memories of those people and those times. My only true memories of Sara are being pregnant, delivering her and then the short time we spent with her. Everything else is fantasies we made up while pregnant. I feel cheated out of so much.

When we lost Sara, we asked our friends & families donate books to libraries in Sara's memory. Several months ago, my mother-in-law gave me a couple of books to donate. I chose to donate them to the elementary school I grew up in. Two of my nephews will attend that school as well as many other relatives & the kids of old friends. It felt good to donate those books. The librarian had commented that she had noticed one of the books recently at a conference and now it was a part of her library!

At arm's length

My friend M called me last week to wish me a happy belated birthday. great.

When I saw her name pop up in the caller ID, I thought twice about answering. I talked to her back in March, played phone tag for a few weeks over the summer, I was busy at the moment, but I decided to talk. Yes she has said some thoughtless things over the past 2 years but we've been friends for so many years, I don't want to let that ruin our friendship. But when she wished me a happy belated birthday, my attitude changed, I didn't want to have a friendly chat with her. She seriously doesn't get how losing Sara has changed me - especially since I lost Sara on my birthday. She could have just said that she was thinking of me, that we haven't talked in a while, she didn't have to bring up birthdays at all, she was already 3 weeks late with that.

M. had told me back in March that she was pregnant with her second child, not very far along at the time. She told me last week that she's having a C-section the day after HER birthday. Now I really didn't want to talk to her. I don't even know if she's having a girl or a boy. Yes, part of this is due to jealousy - I can not enjoy a pregnancy, I don't want to talk about hers either.

I wish I could sit down and tell her how her thoughtless words have hurt me, but knowing how little free time she has had for me over the past few year, I know we won't be having that conversation any time soon. Don't get me wrong, I think she has been a good friend in the past, but she is horrible at time management and has different priorities than me. She works full-time & travels a lot and often puts her job before her husband & son (as I see it). There have been several times over the past few years (before I was ever even pregnant with Sara)that she would flake on me when we had made plans to meet for coffee or brunch, usually for work things that popped up.

So I feel myself putting distance between us.

SARA & swimsuits

Last year at Sara's birthday, my sister gave me a little sign that she had had embroidered for us. It said " Serving as an Angel, Reigning Above." It's in a picture frame & sits on Ethan's bookcase. This morning I was playing with Ethan & I glanced at the sign. I realized that my sister designed it so Sara's name was there: Serving, Angel, Reigning, & Above are stacked, lining up the first letters. I've been looking at it for almost 9 months & I just now noticed it!

Earlier today Ethan & I were at his water baby class. There was a few students, one was a little girl, 6 months old. She didn't look like Sara, Sara had more hair at birth than this little girl than at 6 months. But this little girl was wearing a pink tu-tu like swimsuit. Very girly, not my style. But I don't even get to make that choice for Sara, those silly, insignificant choices were taken away from me.

Damn Solicitors

Today I got a phone call from the funeral home that handled Sara's memorial service, of all things. The name didn't come up on caller ID & I didn't recognize the number, so I was completely caught off-guard. The man identified himself as an employee of the funeral home. I stopped breathing for a moment, I just knew he was going to say that they had made a mistake with Sara's ashes. No, he wanted to offer pre-paid funeral arrangements to us. The practical, polite side of me wanted to say,"No, thank you, I no longer live in that city." My emotions overtook me, I could only say, "No, No" & hung up on him. He's probably used to those reactions.

New House & Old House and Ethan's 6 months old

New House - We have trash pick-up twice a week. We can't put a trash can out, they'll take the can, the City wants the trash just in garbage bags. OK whatever, it's different.

Our mailbox is on the front porch. I know the mailman will freak me out one of these days.

There are still a bunch of boxes to be unpacked. I look forward to Ethan's naps so I can get some work done. I think the essentials are unpacked, just not put in their proper homes.

Old House - is still on the market. I'm so frustrated. I know our house is a nice little house for the price range it's in, but we have some trashy neighbors renting the house across the street & they are not helping us. We could do all sorts of repairs, but those people would still drive away potential buyers. UGH!! I hate this.

Ethan had his 6 month wellness check on Friday. My once little Peanut weighs 20lb, 7oz & is 27 inches long. I like his new pediatrician. He sat down & talked with me about Ethan's development, eating habits, etc...He's not the young hipster we had before our move, but I liked that I wasn't rushed out the door.

OK, I have to go unpack more.

This pisses me off.

Last week in a small town near me, a 18 year old boy shook his 2 month old son to death. That makes me so angry. I can handle pregnant women(as long as they don't take their babies for granted) but people who abuse and kill their own children need to be beaten within an inch of their own life. I would do anything to have a few more moments with Sara. But this idiot boy kills his son out of frustration. He was arrested on capital murder charges. I hope he's castrated, he shouldn't have more children. I know plenty of couples who would have loved to adopt a baby from some kids who weren't prepared for the responsibilities of parenthood. Instead an innocent baby is dead.

I'm sick

I have cedar fever. I guess if you're allergic to cedar pollen, you shouldn't live near Cedar Park. For the past few days, my allergies would kick in, I'd take some meds & I'd make it throught the day without any problem. Last night we went out for dinner. I had started coughing earlier in the day & continued to take my allergy meds. I hacked through the meal, I could barely taste anything. At home we watched a movie & I blew my nose the entire time. I had a tissue mountain by the end of the movie. I didn't sleep well, Ethan was up twice. When we got up for the day around 7:30, I was still hacking & achy. I went into work for a few hours but left after lunch, I was so miserable. I had a fever of 100.4. Ethan's fine. I took his temp, yes, rectally. I was so glad he cooperated for that.

I'm trying to get some rest, not exactly easy when Ethan depends on me. DH may work from home tomorrow to help out.

BTW, the movie we watched - " Six Pack" with Kenny Rogers, a young Diane Lane and an even younger Anthony Michael Hall. Classic!!

Edited to add: I spoke too soon. Ethan is so congested. Last night he went to bed at 10:30, woke up screaming at 12, 1:15, 2:30, 3:45. At 3:45, I brought his swing into the nursery so he could sleep upright. I slept on the the guest bed in the nursery. At 6 he woke up again. DH took over then. We read about saline drops, squirted those up his noe & fed him. He & I slept for 3 hours. It's gonna be a long day.

Commentary on War

From my favorite non-loss/SPAL/baby blog --- postsecret dot com:

How Could She?

Friday evening, my friend M. came over to meet Ethan. I've been friends with M. since Jr. High, over 20 years. (Ugh, I feel really old, seeing that.) In the past few years, M. has become very busy with her family & job, so we don't get together often, although we live 20 minutes away from each other.

She asked about Ethan's birth, b/c I had only given her the highlights when we talked on the phone. M. has 1 son & had him by C-section, so we compared C-section stories. At one point though she said something about "first-time deliveries". It made me catch my breath, Ethan is not my first delivery, how could she forget? (DH heard her say it too, she implied that this was our first time, like her first & only time in a delivery room.) She caught herself quickly & moved on to a different topic. I didn't call her out, but I made it a point to mention Sara then, comparing the 2 labors & deliveries.

It hurt. I know she didn't mean to hurt me, it was just a slip of the tongue. She was caught up in her son's birth story & it just came out. But it did hurt. It hurt that for even a split second, one of my oldest friends forgot that I had been pregnant before, that I had delivered a beautiful daughter who had died.

Halloween

Last year, Halloween was awful. I had been looking forward to taking Sara to a pumpkin patch for pictures, the start of the holidays, etc...Instead I cried most of the day. DH & I went out for dinner & hid in the house, avoiding the fairies & superheroes that ran around our neighborhood.

This year, we took Ethan to a pumpkin patch a few weeks ago. I dressed him in his Halloween onesie. He slept through the trick-or-treaters. There were some cute little at our door. I couldn't help but wonder what I would have dressed Sara up as when I saw the little princesses & ladybugs. Ethan was sleeping in the living room - he couldn't be seen from the door. But one little girl must have seen all the baby stuff behind me. She said, " Oh, you have a baby. Can I see him?" I explained that he was sleeping, gave her some candy & she was happy.
Another tiny little girl, maybe 18 months, said to me, "You pretty." Yeah, I felt gorgeous in my gray t-shirt & khaki shorts with little breastmilk stains on them. She deserved more candy!!
We were out of candy soon after 8pm. It probably would have lasted longer if I hadn't been sampling all the Peeps. But we were tired & wanted to get some sleep.

I meant to post this with my story about Lisa, our nurse from last year. We had shared Sara's story with our day nurse this year. When it came time for me to get the epidural, she said, "Remember how this is done?" I told her flat out, "No." I remember being taken to a delivery room & being hooked up to monitors & IVs , but as far as the method, no I don't remember. My world was crashing down, I don't remember the position I sat in to get an epidural. She asked that several times as we waited for labor to progress & each time I said No. She won't be getting a thank you note from us for her care.

Can't sleep

I can't sleep. I'm uncomfortable & was hungry. Usually I would watch TV in the living room until I got sleepy but I must have hit the wrong combination of buttons, the TV was 'on', but not the cable. Anyway, I have lots on my mind.

Earlier (late Sunday) I found out that a couple from our support group lost their 2nd baby at 15-16 weeks. DH & I saw them at a Mar.ch of Dim.es event in early September & they told us that they were 3 months pregnant. We were so happy for them. They lost their first son in September 2006 & I've been so caught up in my own life, I forgot to contact them on their son's day. I had been thinking that I needed to email them, to see how the pregnancy was going. I'm just so heart-broken for them. I know what it's like to lose 1 baby, but 2 - there are probably other emotions that I haven't had to face. I'm thinking of you L. & R & your Babies.

I wish that there was something I could do for the couples who have had multiple losses. I don't know what. It's not a problem that you just throw money at, money doesn't guarantee a baby. I guess I can only remember these babies and be there for the parents.

Also when I can't sleep, I imagine scenarios that could be perfectly harmless turn out to be petty & ugly. Like tonight, I made up this scene that when my sister,niece & aunt come to visit, my niece is a complete brat - griping about how there's nothing to do at our house, wanting to eat ALL of our food, like we're a freaking buffet. I don't know the best description for my aunt. I love her & she wants to be helpful, but I could imagine if she offered to make a sandwich & I said, "Yes please", she would then ask questions like "How much mustard do you want? How many slices of lunchmeat? Should I use a paper plate?" The situations always turn out better than I imagine.

OK I'm getting sleepy. Hopefully I can find a comfy position.

Observation

Why do birth control & feminine product ads still act like having your period is a curse? Like you're a leper? Like you have to hide at home or wear shapeless baggy clothes? I get that periods suck. I used to get horrible cramps - so bad, I would vomit. Obviously I stayed home those days. But for the most part, I didn't change my plans because of my period. There's an ad currently for some birth control that will shorten your period. One of the girls comments "So I could be at the beach now?" Is she afraid that her super absorbent tampon is going to suck up the ocean? Yes, you can go to the beach while on your period. You can wear a swimsuit! (I wouldn't advise with a maxi-pad, but that's up to you.) As long as there are bathroom facilties near by, what's the big deal?

Update to Petty Vents

My older sister T. just called, she mentioned coming to visit after Peanut's born - that's fine. She said that she knew we'd have plenty of help the first few days - with the grandparents & other friends in town. She specifically mentioned my friend Michelle. A few months after losing Sara, I found out that T. was emailing Michelle to check in on me. That hurt. My own sister can't call or email me to ask how I am. We're not very close, but we have a good relationship. But the other side of that is that Michelle isn't the most reliable resource. We've been friends for a long time - since jr. high. But she has her own life - her family, job, etc...She spent a few hours with DH & me at our house a few days after we lost Sara. But we've also tried to get together numerous times & she usually has to bail at the last minute. I understand she's busy - I don't fault her for that - but if my sister wants to know how I'm doing, it might help if the person she's asking has talked to me or seen me. I can recall 3 times that Michelle & I have gotten together in the past 11 months - other than the night she came over. None of them were just us, one on one time, usually there was another activity going on.

Also I didn't tell T. that DH & I plan to visit my parents this weekend to honor Sara. (My younger sister J.knows & will be there, she lives down the street from my parents.) T. asked if we were still planning to visit our parents at the end of September, I said no, that we weren't comfortable traveling so close to the due date. I don't think she would understand if I told her that I didn't want her daughter around me this weekend, although J's sons will be.

To the Monicas - thank you for your comments. I have to do what feels right for me & DH at this time - even if other people get their feelings hurt. That hurt doesn't compare with the hurt of losing Sara.

Petty vents with some good news

Earlier today I sent an email to 2 colleagues, referring a client to them, I'm not taking on any new clients at this time. 1 colleague I've met for lunch a few times over the past few months, the other I haven't talked to since March/early April. She was pregnant, had a baby in June, but I had heard that she returned to work. She replied back thanking me for the referral, hoped everything was going well in my pregnancy & that her baby was now 3 months old. Well whoop-de-do. I don't wish harm to her or her baby, but really I don't want to hear about her perfect life.

We had an OB appt today - everything's looking good. I'm 1.5 cm dilated at 34 weeks, 5 days!!

DH & I had planted a tree in Sara's memory last year at my parents' house. We had hoped that we could visit her tree near her birthday, looks like it'll have to be this weekend. I feel so petty & selfish saying this - I don't want my niece to be there. My niece lives about 2 hours from my parents, but spends weekends w/them when possible. My sister brought my niece to our house a few days after we lost Sara. My niece was 8 at the time. The only thing I remember her saying during that visit was "Can we play Scattergories?" She knew that Sara died, but she didn't understand the impact. I was annoyed that my sister brought her along, it was a school day - couldn't her jerk of a father drop her off/pick her up one day during a family emergency?? I don't want this time to become about my niece - wanting attention, being a brat about meals, this is Sara's time. I had to tell my mother that I didn't want my niece there, thankfully she understood & luckily my niece had visited last weekend.

Stupid Surveys

I hate those stupid surveys that friends send out - the mass emails or MySpace bulletins. There's always a couple of questions that I don't want to answer. The previous replies were funny or serious but something everyone could relate to. How do you answer that the thing you miss the most is your daughter right after answering that your favorite mixed drink is a dirty martini?? Should I play along and say that I miss McDonald's McRib Sandwich? ( I don't, but that's the crap people want to see to get a chuckle.)
The most recent survey I got included some of the following questions, I'll answer here for you:
Your Fears? That something will happen to Peanut.
One of your Wish List Items? To hear Peanut cry.
Your Life? Is blessed in many ways, but there will always be a place for Sara.
Your Mood? Excited & Anxious
Missing? My daughter Sara Elizabeth everyday
What are you thinking about right now? Sara & Peanut
Last time you cried? As I write this.

Maybe people will quit sending them to me if I either ignore them or answer them brutally honestly.

Not What I Expected

I chose this title for my blog because after re-reading through my journal - I realized Iused that phrase often - Christmas 2006 was not what I expected, New Year's was not what I expected, every day after my daughter was delivered was not what I expected.

I often lurk, sometimes post on a local message board. Some of the women know my story, I go there to vent, but most can't relate. They have a weekly pregnancy check-in along with a question of the week relating to the pregnancy. This week's question: What will be the biggest change for you once the baby arrives? I can't answer there. All the other women with their innocent answers - change in sleep patterns & schedules seem to be the biggest concern. My biggest change - actually having a baby at home after being pregnant for nearly 18 months.
I sleep too much as it is, I'll gladly survive on caffeine & sugar highs, if that what it takes.