Saturday, October 17, 2009


Guess what Ethan said last night "My sister Sara"! In his language, it was more like "my sissis Sawa."

We always end our night-time prayers with "And say Hello to big sister Sara". Last night he didn't want to get ready for bed, so I was telling him that he needed to take a bath, we would read some books, sing songs and say our prayers. Then he said it!

Thursday, October 15, 2009


This is the cake I made for my & Sara's birthday.

Looking back, I think Oct. 3 was harder than the 2nd. There's always so much anticipation before Sara's Day and then it's just over. On top of top, then we shift gears to celebrate Ethan's birthday a week later.

I've been burning a votive candle today, remembering all of the lost babies. The candle burned to the bottom.

Today I went to the thrift store to get ideas for Ethan's Halloween costume. Looking through a rack, I came across a Halloween onesie, I had bought the same one for Sara. I bought it the weekend before she died. I knew I wouldn't do a costume for a 4 week old, but a onesie was OK. When she died, I had a friend return it and some other things to the store. So seeing this onesie again took my breath away. I had so looked forward to seeing Sara in this little outfit, to celebrate a holiday with her.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

This week

This has been a gray, overcast week. I think it has rained almost everyday, except for Friday! Friday was a beautiful fall day. Thursday night I was already feeling anxious & I think Ethan picked up on that. He stayed up too late & then woke up around 1 am. I sat down to rock him & it started raining. I was afraid that we wouldn't be able to go to the park like we had planned. But the morning turned out beauiful - sunny & clear. We played at the park with E for a while and then had a late lunch.

Over the past few days, I received wonderful cards & gifts, appropirate gifts. My mother-in-law came over Friday afternoon & we all went over to my parents' house. I arranged pink & white roses to place at Sara's tree. We released balloons near sunset. It's nice to see the little boys excited about the balloons. Ethan was upset when his balloon flew away, he cried a bit and said, "Bal-loo bye-bye."

We had dinner together & then cake. (I'll post a picture of the cake later.) It was just a nice peaceful day. Of course there were sad moments, I cried several times. But the pain wasn't as intense, as raw as it's been in the past.

As I've mentioned several times, my friend B lost her daughter four days after we lost Sara, on Oct. 6. The couple from our church who lost their 5 month old baby -he was born Oct. 5. So today we all brought flowers/plants to church. The babies' names and names of their parents were listed in the church bulletin. For a moment the 3 of us mothers were standing together, comparing jewelry honoring our babies. I'm so aware of that, our common bond.