As Time Goes By...

When I was roughly two months pregnant with Sara, we went to Boston for a few days. We stopped at a bookstore near H@rv@rd and decided then and there that our baby would have a Cur!ous Ge0rge themed nursery. We bought a stuffed George there. We were able to keep the nursery simple with red and yellow bedding, a few posters. At the baby shower, we received a few toys to decorate the room. Looking back, I was glad that we were able to use the George theme for Ethan after losing Sara. I know other parents struggle with "should we use the same things for a subsequent child?". If we had chosen a pink girly theme, I would have been sad to pack it all away when we were expecting our son. All of the baby gear we choose was gender-neutral, even after we found out that we were having a girl. Her feminine clothes were the only things that we packed away. (they are still under our guest bed.). Ethan used the car seat, stroller, and diaper bag intended for his sister. He's outgrown that first car seat and stroller combo long ago. We still use the diaper bag when we travel overnight. But my little boy is growing up. At three years and nine months, my little man has decided that he has outgrown Cur!ous Ge0rge, he now wants a space bedroom. He has the inflatable planets and glow in the dark stars. Really the only thing left to do is to change out the George posters for some space posters. (and any other accessories we come across.). It's bittersweet knowing my baby is becoming a little boy. I want to encourage his love of space and science, but I might be a little sad when those monkeys finally come down.

I started a scrapbook for Sara when I was pregnant with her. I didn't put much in it - a few pictures of me pregnant, her ultrasound pictures, pictures from the baby shower. Then we lost her. I put a picture of her in the book. I've added poems, symbolic pictures of our trips to Hawaii, balloon releases in her memory, the cakes I bake for our birthday, a picture of DH, Ethan and me at Sara's tree every year - to see how the tree and Ethan are growing. I am happy to say that there are only 3 empty pages left. It's not am end. I'll buy more pages to add to her book, to continue to remember and honor my precious daughter.

For the last 4 Christmases, I have decorated a small Christmas tree in Sara's memory. I mailed cards to close family and friends, asking for an ornament that represents Sara's spirit. We received various angels, hearts, butterflies, even a snowflake (because snowflakes last only a moment, but touch your soul forever).

Saturday night, we brought down the tree and ornaments. I let Ethan help me with the less fragile ones. I explained that this was for our angel Sara. I showed him an ornament with her name on it. I showed him how to spell her name S-A-R-A, Sara. He started singing, "Sara, Sara, Sara." I started to cry. DH was very touched hearing Ethan singing her name.

I told him that Sara is his big sister, but he's too young to understand. But I'm glad to be laying the foundation for him to understand as he gets older.

Joy of my Heart

A few weeks ago, I got this charm for my birthday. In October 2006, 'joy' was not a part of my vocabulary. In October 2007, I had joy again, my beautiful son Ethan was born. He brings me joy everyday.

When I first started the charm bracelet right after Sara died, I said that I would only get charms that reminded me of her. At that point, I had no clue that I would have another child so soon after Sara's death. I was so overwhelmed with emotion, she was all I could think of. But I wouldn't have Ethan if Sara had lived, their stories are intertwined, so the charm bracelet became more about motherhood, my version of motherhood. I honor both of my children with it.

Peace of mind for $25

Friday evening DH & Ethan were playing around. DH said, "Look at his neck.". I thought maybe I didn't wash his neck very well and he still had a dirt necklace. No, Dh thought Ethan's neck, specifically his lymph node, looked swollen. Of course, I g00gled it. Cancer was mentioned. My heart sank. It was also suggested to see a doctor if the lymph node was swollen for 2 weeks. Two weeks seemed like a long time. Monday night Ethan didn't sleep very well, he insisted that I sleep with him. I was feeling so anxious on Tuesday, I could feel myself tearing up throughout the morning.

I was able to talk with my 2 direct managers, told them that Sara's day is coming up soon and I get anxious around this time, and I'm worrying about Ethan, and that Sara and I share a birthday. They were very understanding, said I could take time off if I needed it or just take breaks when I need a few minutes alone.

Just telling them made me feel better. Later I made a doctor a ppt. For Ethan.

Wednesday we went in. The doctor said that he wasn't concerned because it was small and only one that was swollen. If it were larger and/or there were multiple swollen lymph node around his body, he'd be concerned. We talked about Ethan's overall health - potty training, adjusting to a new classroom, etc..., he was able to set my mind at ease. At least I know what to look for now, not just incomplete information from an Internet search.

I paid my $25 co-pay and went home to enjoy my beautiful son.

Springtime

Spring brings new change and our lives are changing - it's good stuff. I got a full-time job. I've been teaching part-time at the local community college. But I haven't been very happy with it. My new job is in the admissions office of the college. I'll finish teaching (it's just one afternoon a week)this semester, but that's it.

So far, I'm enjoying the job, just learning all of the systems. My co-workers are nice. There are perks - 4 day work weeks during the summer, school holidays plus vacations.

On my first day, I met with my 2 direct supervisors. We talked about my responsibilities, upcoming projects & events, etc...They mentioned that they like to keep it light & fun in the office. They said for birthdays they'll have small parties - cake, snacks. They asked when was my birthday. Uh oh. I've only worked part-time since Sara died and have been able to avoid working on our birthday. I told them "October 2" but I got choked up. I told them that I didn't like to celebrate my birthday. I'm sure they thought that was odd. I was able to say "My daughter died on my birthday." They didn't ask any questions. I was OK with that.

So far I haven't said anything to my other co-workers about Sara. This year my birthday falls on a Saturday. So I'll have the actual day off. Maybe I'll tell them about her at our Monday morning meeting the week before. I'll just see how I'm feeling at that time.

Ethan has started going to day care full-time now & adjusted well. We've been happy with the current school, but we really liked another church day school in town. They didn't offer a part-time plan so it wasn't available before. Now that we need full-time care, we looked into switching. Thankfully they had an opening for Ethan's age group. It's a newer building, bigger playground, lots of activities. Ethan's cousin attends this day school, they'll see each on the playground. They also served a hot lunch. I've been packing lunch for Ethan. When I was working part-time it wasn't such a big deal. But now since I'm full-time, I'd prefer to spend time with Ethan & DH rather than finding to a decent meal to pack.

One of the local attraction is an antique carousel. It's only open for special events or if it's rented for private parties. It was open during spring Break. Ethan & I had a picnic at the park with my sister & her 2 sons and then the boys rode the carousel.

More Butterflies...

Back in November, Ethan & I went to visit one of my dearest friends in San Antonio. The three of us went to the zoo. The San Antonio Zoo has a butterfly house - an enclosed greenhouse with several varieties of butterflies as well as plants. As soon as we walked in, a butterfly landed on my shoulder and stayed there for several minutes. It was a very peaceful place. Outside of the butterfly house are butterfly cutouts for photo opportunities. This is Ethan in two of them.

Last March I posted about a couple from my church who lost their 5 month old son. They are pregnant again, expecting their second son approximately the same time the first son, Baby Gabe, died -late February/early March. The mother has been having contractions already. She had a dr. appt on Friday, may have to be put on bedrest, I haven't heard an update yet. They have already talked about inducing early - like at 36.5 weeks. Please keep this family in your prayers.

Christmas Cards

Saturday we received several Christmas cards. Two in particular stand out. One we received from a family who lost their 16 year old daughter. They sent a photo card, in the center was a Christmas ornament with her name on it. Then on either side was a photo of the family. They also included a free-form poem, basically listing things that they did through out 2009, meaning that their daughter was with them as they experienced these things. I cried when I read it, so beautiful and touching.

The second card was from a young family, they sent a photo card of their nearly 2 year old daughter. Their poem included the news that they are pregnant again, due in the summer. I couldn't help but think, "I hope nothing happens to the baby." I know I wouldn't be comfortable making an announcement that way.

Ethan was honored in his great-grandparents' Christmas card. They handmake their Christmas cards, have been for 60 years! The cover showed a little drummer boy. Inside they wrote that this was the 60th year of their making cards and it was dedicated to the two new drummers in the family, Ethan and a cousin who started playing drums in her jr. high band. I found it to be a wonderful coincidenece because we took a picture of Ethan playing on a full drum set, then on our Christmas card the message was " I'll play my drums for Him... pa rum pa pum pum..."

Talking

Guess what Ethan said last night "My sister Sara"! In his language, it was more like "my sissis Sawa."

We always end our night-time prayers with "And say Hello to big sister Sara". Last night he didn't want to get ready for bed, so I was telling him that he needed to take a bath, we would read some books, sing songs and say our prayers. Then he said it!

Random Stuff

A few weeks ago, my 6 y.o. nephew was spending the afternoon with us. We played in Ethan's room. Nephew asked "Where did you get that dress?" Sara's would-be baptism dress that is framed and hangs in Ethan's room. This nephew remembers me being pregnant and is aware that Sara died. So I took a deep breath and said, "Remember the baby that we lost, our baby Sara? That was supposed to be her dress." Nephew accepted that answer and nodded. Then he said, "If she were alive and you had Ethan, they'd be friends and play together, like me and my brother!" Yes, yes they would be friends. I love that kid!

Yesterday DH got an email from a friend, asking for our address, they wanted to send us an invitation. They have a daughter who is a few days older than Ethan, her 2nd birthday party would be the first weekend in October. DH replied, "Thank you for including us, but we wouldn't be able to attend that weekend." When DH told me about it, he started to tear up. It breaks my heart that a simple child's birthday party is so upsetting.

I'm interviewing for a new job, trying to go full-time. I miss the social aspect of working. I wonder if I'll be able to take off for Sara's day? At least a half-day.

Random Comments

A few months after losing Sara, DH & I spent a late Christmas with his brother, sister-in-law & their kids and his father & his wife. At dinner the youngest niece was misbehaving. DH's brother said," Yeah if she had been the first -born, we wouldn't have had any more kids." DH & I looked at each other & the tears welled up. We excused ourselves and went outside. When we came back in, sister-in-law whispered a quick "sorry".

A few weeks ago, we had some friends and family over for a BBQ. I heard DH's brother tell some friends,"Yeah,if the youngest had been born first, we wouldn't have had any more kids." I wanted to snarl at him, "I'm so sorry that you have all three of your horrible kids." That stupid comment still stings. One day he's going at say it and I won't bite my tongue.

Several of the friends at the BBQ hadn't been to our house before, I gave a quick tour. While in Ethan's room, one of the women, a new neighbor, commented on the framed baptismal dress hanging there. At first she thought it was Ethan's outfit, but as she got closer, she realized it was a dress. Then she thought it may have been mine as a baby, but she realized it looked too new. So she asked why there was a framed dress in a little boy's room.

How I wish I could have a casual answer. "That old thing? I picked it up while vacationing in the Keys." Instead I take a deep breath and explain how we lost Sara at full-term. I like sharing Sara's story, hoping she'll be remembered.

I had a nice weekend. Friday night we dropped Ethan off with my parents and DH & I went to a BBQ cook-off. My sister's husband is a wonderful BBQ-er. I got to see a bunch of old friends, friends I haven't seen in 15+ years. Today DH & Ethan went to visit DH's mother. I had plans to visit a friend, but the plans fell through, so I went shopping alone. I prefer to shop alone some days, I'm on my time schedule, can go to the stores I want to go to. I went to a couple of children's clothes stores, got a few things for Ethan. I makes me a little sad to see all of the little girl clothes. I feel like I shouldn't even be on that side of the store.

Always on my mind...

You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories.

- Stanislaw J. Lec ( Polish author)

I haven't posted in a while, but Sara and all of the other lost babies are on my mind. Wednesday Ethan & I went over to my sister's house. Ethan played in the sprinkler with his cousins. The 3 of them get along so well. The younger of the 2 cousins is about 1 year and 4 months older than Ethan. He's thin while Ethan is solid, a big boy. We often comment on Ethan & Justin - comparing their sizes. I can't help but think that there should be a little girl just 4 months younger than Justin running around, laughing as the sprinkler splashes her too.

2.5

(I starting writing this last Friday, the days have slipped away from me.)

The past few weeks, Sara has been on my mind. I guess it started about 3 weeks ago, my sister & I went shopping. We were chatting on the drive. A song started playing. Dea.d and Blo.ated by St.one Te.mple Pi.lots. "I am smelling like a rose that somebody gave me on my birthday death bed." Not exactly a tear-jerker. But what the hell else am I supposed to be reminded of except losing Sara?

A few days later, I got one of those surveys. This time it had a question "The last song that made you cry?" I immediately thought of "De.ad & Blo.ated" but I didn't want to explain that story, I didn't know where my answers would be forwarded on to. So I wrote "The Dance" by Garth Brooks.

Several times over the past few weeks, I would be thinking of other things and those thoughts would led me back to October 2006, back to the dr's office where it was confirmed that she was gone, back to coming home from the hospital to an empty, quiet house.

Today (4/3) I realized - it's been two and a half years since we lost Sara. TWO AND A HALF YEARS!!! Every day I think of her, I know she's gone and my life is different because she's gone. I say how much I miss her, but "miss" doesn't feel like the right word. I miss my grandparents who have all passed away, I miss old friends that I've lost contact with. I have memories of those people and those times. My only true memories of Sara are being pregnant, delivering her and then the short time we spent with her. Everything else is fantasies we made up while pregnant. I feel cheated out of so much.

When we lost Sara, we asked our friends & families donate books to libraries in Sara's memory. Several months ago, my mother-in-law gave me a couple of books to donate. I chose to donate them to the elementary school I grew up in. Two of my nephews will attend that school as well as many other relatives & the kids of old friends. It felt good to donate those books. The librarian had commented that she had noticed one of the books recently at a conference and now it was a part of her library!

Roses & Such

We gave my parents a digital frame for Christmas & put pictures of our families on it. I thought about putting a picture of Sara on it. My mother displays Sara's footprints. I don't push her to display Sara's picture. I figured I could always add something later. A few days ago, I was at my parents' house. I watched the pictures scroll through. My younger sister included this picture of a pink rose with a sprinkling of snowflakes. I started tearing up, I was so happy that she included that photo. It was taken in her yard the day we had an unexpected snowfall in early December. It is beautiful.

DH & I decided to put Ethan in day care part-time. I'm only teaching part-time, but my class is requiring more on-line assignments, so I'll have to be on the computer more - which is hard to do with Ethan around. So rather than just getting a babysitter to come in while I'm actually teaching, Ethan will go to day care on Tuesday/Thursday. This will also allow me to do things for me - lunch with friends, working on projects, etc...Today I took Ethan to see his classroom. He seemed excited by the playground. The name of his class? Butterflies. Of course.

I'm saddened by John Travolta's loss of his son Jett. I think it makes people realize that no matter how rich or famous someone this, they too can be struck with a tragedy.

More Butterflies

Well one more. I went to one of my favorite local gift shops a few days ago. They have 10+ Christmas tree decorated, each with a different theme. One of the trees has these glass ornaments which I've never been a fan of, I find some of them a bit garish. But as I walked by this tree, this butterfly caught my eye. (The yellow & blue one there.) I couldn't resist, I bought it. When I got home, I was putting it away with other ornaments & I happened to read the tag. "The butterfly is a symbol of immortality. Since it evolves from egg to caterpillar to chrysalis, and then emerges as a butterfly from it's cocoon, it represents the soul and the cycle of rebirth. A pair of butterflies signifies marital happiness."

And just so you don't think Ethan is ignored around here this is an ornament I bought for him.

Happy Halloween!

The "face" is in the wood grain of our fence.

Halloween

I like Halloween and fall in general. I like the Harvest/Fall festivals with baked goods & hand-made crafts for sale. We enjoyed pumpkin smoothies last night. As an adult, I prefer funny & clever costumes to scary ones.

A few weeks ago, DH & I went to a big craft store. They had Halloween decorations for sale. One of the decorations was a 'zombie' holding a head. That just doesn't sit well with me. I don't want headstones decorating my yard or skeltons sitting around. It brings me back to my dead baby and I don't want to think of her in those terms - creepy, scary, frightening.

She was a beautiful baby, so serene and peaceful. But I'll always be haunted by that day, the nightmare of a day when we lost our precious Sara.

Ethan's not dressing up this year. I borrowed a costume from my sister, my nephew was Bam-Bam from the Flintstones when he was 1.5 years old. Ethan didn't like it, he just liked to pet it, like a cat.

Random Thoughts

Yay! I finished my on-line training. I've been feeling so overwhelmed since Ethan's birthday. I was supposed to start this training on the 6th, didn't start until the 13th. But I'm done with that. I need to come up with some more questions for my class's next exam and I have to keep up with the grading. I admire teachers who work full-time and have families. I'm going crazy trying to have 1 class and a 1 year old at home. Hopefully I'll be less bitchy now, with one less item on my plate.

We finally got serious about weaning Ethan. DH has been putting Ethan to bed for several nights, but I would still nurse him during the day. We started giving him whole milk right before his birthday. So Saturday night, DH put him to bed. Ethan woke up around 3am and basically screamed/cried until after 4. We were all up. He woke up again around 7 am. We were exhausted and frustrated. I gave in because I needed sleep. But that's been it. Ethan will actually take a bottle from me or just let me rock him. I still pump a bit, just to relieve pressure. Hopefully in a few days, it'll be over. It's been emotional. I've been breast-feeding from day one and here he is 1 year, 10 days+ old.

DH & I watch The Biggest Loser. The elimination round always frustrates me, you'd think they were being sent to the gas chamber, they get so emotional. Two weeks ago, one of the husbands, Ed, was sent home. The next week his wife, Heba, kept saying,"I lost my husband last week." No, Heba Filter, you didn't LOSE your husband. He's at home, eating carrots and drinking lots of water and trying to lose weight. I hope you're voted off next week.

OK, time for bed. BTW, it's my 101st post.

Happy Birthday Ethan!!

On Saturday we invited family & friends over to celebrate Ethan's 1st birthday. It was a beautiful day. He had fun playing with his cupcake. He had icing all over his face & arms; I had to give him a quick shower & change clothes before we could open his mountain of gifts.

I had light a pink candle for Sara, it was burning in the kitchen throughout the party. DH & I commented later on seeing butterflies flying around the backyard.

If I don't post for a few days, don't worry. I'm feeling overwhelmed by my class right now. I have to come up with an exam, homework assignments and do some on-line training of my own. The hard part is doing all of this while Ethan naps or at least plays by himself.

Have a good week!

Oct 2 Recap

I received many cards, emails and phone calls and for those, I am thankful.

While Ethan took his morning nap, DH & I went through Sara's things. That was the hardest part of the day. Touching things she touched, her blanket, the snips of her hair, the untouched photos of our precious daughter. She existed!!

For lunch we picked up sandwiches, packed food for Ethan and went to a park for a picnic. It was a beautiful day, we saw several butterflies. It was very peaceful.

That evening we went to my parents' house for dinner & pink cupcakes. We released balloons at sunset. At one point, the balloons formed a 'S'. They were too far away to get a decent picture.

During dinner my 5 y.o. nephew said, "Tonight is sad." He also said, "There are two birthdays today." I'm sure he's just repeating things his parents said, I don't want to upset him by questioning him. I hope we'll continue this tradition for my nephews, my parents, Ethan, for DH & me.

I received several emails from family & friends thanking me for the seeds and to say they were thinking of Sara & me, DH & Ethan. I thanked them for thinking of Sara. That's what this is all about isn't it??

One friend said that her 4 y.o. daughter planted the seeds and said, "These seeds are special." Why? "I don't know, they're just special." Yes, Sweetie, they are special.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

For Monica and her grandmother.