Most of us probably chose cards that represent us at that moment. Do we want a traditional image? comical? A photo of the family? Since losing Sara, I am more aware of my recipients. What are they feeling this holiday season?
The first Christmas after losing Sara, I choose a serene angel with a simple quote inside. I don't have any left, but I remember thinking that they were appropriate coming from grieving parents. The following year, I made cards. The cover said "JOY" with Ethan's picture in the "O". Since then, I have used pictures of Ethan for our cards.
I try to send a different card to friends and family members who may be hurting during the holidays. My best friend lost her step-father at the end of September. I wanted to send a Thanksgiving card but couldn't find one with an appropriate sentiment. So I ended up sending a Thinking of You card. Last year I wanted to send a few Christmas cards to families who had a loss during the year. I went to the local H@llm@rk store and looked over the individual cards. Everything was cheerful, not appropriate. Even the blank cards didn't have appropriate images. I found at least 3 cards appropriate for a niece and her significant other, nothing that seemed appropriate to send a loved one who was hurting at Christmas, struggling with being a part of Christmas, but don't want to be overlooked either.
I finally found a small 6 pack of cards with an angel and a lamb. The sentiment wasn't exactly what I was looking for, but close enough. I hope other stores carry appropriate cards, maybe just my location didn't carry a good selection. I'll be ending over to the card shop in a few days, hoping I can find a card that fits the situation.
Showing posts with label Support. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Support. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
October Babies Rock!!
About 6 months after losing Sara, (Feb. 2007 I believe) an former co-worker contacted me. Her sister had just lost her son around 24-25 weeks. The family was devastated. I gave her a list of books that had been recommended to me as well as the information for the support groups that I was attending. I've kept in touch with them, checking in with how they were doing. On Oct.11 (Ethan's birthday also), their daughter was born!
Soon after we moved to our current house(April or May 2008), I learned of a couple who lost their daughter, she was stillborn at full-term. My friend B & I didn't know her, but we had contacts, friends of friends. She was living about 2 hours away, but her mother still lived in my area. When she was visiting her family one time, B & I went out to dinner with her. We've stayed in touch with her and she & her husband recently moved back. Their son was born Oct 13!
I am so excited for both of these families. October babies are very special!
Soon after we moved to our current house(April or May 2008), I learned of a couple who lost their daughter, she was stillborn at full-term. My friend B & I didn't know her, but we had contacts, friends of friends. She was living about 2 hours away, but her mother still lived in my area. When she was visiting her family one time, B & I went out to dinner with her. We've stayed in touch with her and she & her husband recently moved back. Their son was born Oct 13!
I am so excited for both of these families. October babies are very special!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Peace of mind for $25
Friday evening DH & Ethan were playing around. DH said, "Look at his neck.". I thought maybe I didn't wash his neck very well and he still had a dirt necklace. No, Dh thought Ethan's neck, specifically his lymph node, looked swollen. Of course, I g00gled it. Cancer was mentioned. My heart sank. It was also suggested to see a doctor if the lymph node was swollen for 2 weeks. Two weeks seemed like a long time. Monday night Ethan didn't sleep very well, he insisted that I sleep with him. I was feeling so anxious on Tuesday, I could feel myself tearing up throughout the morning.
I was able to talk with my 2 direct managers, told them that Sara's day is coming up soon and I get anxious around this time, and I'm worrying about Ethan, and that Sara and I share a birthday. They were very understanding, said I could take time off if I needed it or just take breaks when I need a few minutes alone.
Just telling them made me feel better. Later I made a doctor a ppt. For Ethan.
Wednesday we went in. The doctor said that he wasn't concerned because it was small and only one that was swollen. If it were larger and/or there were multiple swollen lymph node around his body, he'd be concerned. We talked about Ethan's overall health - potty training, adjusting to a new classroom, etc..., he was able to set my mind at ease. At least I know what to look for now, not just incomplete information from an Internet search.
I paid my $25 co-pay and went home to enjoy my beautiful son.
I was able to talk with my 2 direct managers, told them that Sara's day is coming up soon and I get anxious around this time, and I'm worrying about Ethan, and that Sara and I share a birthday. They were very understanding, said I could take time off if I needed it or just take breaks when I need a few minutes alone.
Just telling them made me feel better. Later I made a doctor a ppt. For Ethan.
Wednesday we went in. The doctor said that he wasn't concerned because it was small and only one that was swollen. If it were larger and/or there were multiple swollen lymph node around his body, he'd be concerned. We talked about Ethan's overall health - potty training, adjusting to a new classroom, etc..., he was able to set my mind at ease. At least I know what to look for now, not just incomplete information from an Internet search.
I paid my $25 co-pay and went home to enjoy my beautiful son.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Grief groups
I recently discovered that our local hospice offers a "Loss of a Child" grief group. This past Monday I went for the first time. I was looking forward to it. Twisted,uh? The meeting was held in the evening after regular business hours. When I pulled into the parking lot, I noticed a few older people. I thought "maybe there is another group or meeting tonight too.". When I got inside, I didn't see any young couples, it was just older couples. I asked one of the men if this was the Loss of an Infant group. He said it was the Loss of a Child, for any parents.
Right away I recognized the parents of an high school classmate who died in an accident in March. I said hello to them, the mother said that she was glad I spoke to them, to remember their son T. There was another couple there, I think I recognized her as my 9th English teacher. She transferred to a different high school after my freshman year, so I haven't seen her since the early 1990's. I didn't talk with her directly, I'm not sure if she recognized me either.
There were 5 couples, me and the group leader. (My husband stayed at home with Ethan.). We went around the room, everyone sharing a brief history of their child. They all lost adult children, 20 - 35 year olds. I felt alone as the only one with a stillbirth. They all shared stories of their children, I don't have any to share. When it was my turn to share my loss, I cried. I've been feeling OK lately, so I was surprised to be crying like that. Maybe it was because I haven't shared my story with many strangers lately, maybe it was just being back at a grief group after a 2 year break.
We watched a video based on the book "Tear Soup". It was about grieving in general, not just the loss of a child. I think it made us feel better about the grieving process, that we will each do it differently, different lengths of time.
I'm not sure if I want to go back next month. These people are old enough to be my parents, or at least my aunt & uncle. They have experienced a loss of a child, so we can relate there, but they all watched their children grow up - first dates, high school graduation, college, careers, for some - weddings and grandchildren. I've considered sending a note to T's mother, explaining why I wasn't comfortable with this group, but that she & I could get together to chat if she'd like.
Any thoughts?
Right away I recognized the parents of an high school classmate who died in an accident in March. I said hello to them, the mother said that she was glad I spoke to them, to remember their son T. There was another couple there, I think I recognized her as my 9th English teacher. She transferred to a different high school after my freshman year, so I haven't seen her since the early 1990's. I didn't talk with her directly, I'm not sure if she recognized me either.
There were 5 couples, me and the group leader. (My husband stayed at home with Ethan.). We went around the room, everyone sharing a brief history of their child. They all lost adult children, 20 - 35 year olds. I felt alone as the only one with a stillbirth. They all shared stories of their children, I don't have any to share. When it was my turn to share my loss, I cried. I've been feeling OK lately, so I was surprised to be crying like that. Maybe it was because I haven't shared my story with many strangers lately, maybe it was just being back at a grief group after a 2 year break.
We watched a video based on the book "Tear Soup". It was about grieving in general, not just the loss of a child. I think it made us feel better about the grieving process, that we will each do it differently, different lengths of time.
I'm not sure if I want to go back next month. These people are old enough to be my parents, or at least my aunt & uncle. They have experienced a loss of a child, so we can relate there, but they all watched their children grow up - first dates, high school graduation, college, careers, for some - weddings and grandchildren. I've considered sending a note to T's mother, explaining why I wasn't comfortable with this group, but that she & I could get together to chat if she'd like.
Any thoughts?
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Thoughts...
Just a few things that have been rolling around in my mind....
In June, my nephew turned 4 years old. Littlest J is 3.5 months older than Sara would be. Littlest J & Ethan attend the same day school, although they are in different classes. On this particular Friday, I was dropping off Ethan while my sister was dropping off Littlest J. He was carrying a carrier full of cupcakes for his class. He was so excited about his birthday. I gave him a birthday hug and said that he was getting so big. When I got back to my car, I started crying. Littlest J is my gauge, what milestones would Sara be hitting? How tall would she be?
I work in the admissions office at our local community college. I see a lot of documents. I come across quite a few "Sara(h) Elizabeth"'s. It makes me sad, knowing my Sara will never attend college, never grow up.
When Sara died, we asked if we could donate her organs. We were told it was too late. Since Ethan was born, I try to donate blood when I can. It's my way to make a difference, to save a life when I couldn't before.
Monday our local hospice is having an infant loss support group. I plan to attend. I haven't been to a support group for 2 years, I miss it.
I haven't written much about Ethan lately. I feel like he is such a blessing. He was kind and considerate and funny. Of course he's two, so tantrums are standard. But I feel like I have more patience with him after losing Sara.
In June, my nephew turned 4 years old. Littlest J is 3.5 months older than Sara would be. Littlest J & Ethan attend the same day school, although they are in different classes. On this particular Friday, I was dropping off Ethan while my sister was dropping off Littlest J. He was carrying a carrier full of cupcakes for his class. He was so excited about his birthday. I gave him a birthday hug and said that he was getting so big. When I got back to my car, I started crying. Littlest J is my gauge, what milestones would Sara be hitting? How tall would she be?
I work in the admissions office at our local community college. I see a lot of documents. I come across quite a few "Sara(h) Elizabeth"'s. It makes me sad, knowing my Sara will never attend college, never grow up.
When Sara died, we asked if we could donate her organs. We were told it was too late. Since Ethan was born, I try to donate blood when I can. It's my way to make a difference, to save a life when I couldn't before.
Monday our local hospice is having an infant loss support group. I plan to attend. I haven't been to a support group for 2 years, I miss it.
I haven't written much about Ethan lately. I feel like he is such a blessing. He was kind and considerate and funny. Of course he's two, so tantrums are standard. But I feel like I have more patience with him after losing Sara.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
More losses
I didn't see a reference to this recent loss..
Within few months, a local couple lost their daughter to SIDS. I didn't know them, but they have a shoe repair shop - I've taken a couple of pairs of shoes there since we moved here. I sent the couple a card, telling them how our support group helped us & that the local hospice offers an infant loss group (which I should go to) and the basically that we were here for them, including our phone number.
Over the weekend, I broke the heel on a pair of shoes. I knew I would take it in to be repaired, but I didn't know if I would say anything to her.
I stopped by Tuesday on my lunch break. The wife was alone. She asked me to write my name and number on the tag. I wrote my first name and the first 3 letters of my last, she said, "You sent me the card!" I was surprised the she put it together so quickly. I asked how she was doing, she started to tear up. I squeezed her hand, "It's still so fresh, it's hard." She said that it was hard when she was alone with her thoughts at work. I told her to call me whenever she wanted to talk. Another customer came in & I had to get back to work. ( We work a 4 day/36 hour week during the summer; 30 minute lunches.)
My shoes should be ready tomorrow. I hope to talk with her more or at least make plans to talk at a later time.
Within few months, a local couple lost their daughter to SIDS. I didn't know them, but they have a shoe repair shop - I've taken a couple of pairs of shoes there since we moved here. I sent the couple a card, telling them how our support group helped us & that the local hospice offers an infant loss group (which I should go to) and the basically that we were here for them, including our phone number.
Over the weekend, I broke the heel on a pair of shoes. I knew I would take it in to be repaired, but I didn't know if I would say anything to her.
I stopped by Tuesday on my lunch break. The wife was alone. She asked me to write my name and number on the tag. I wrote my first name and the first 3 letters of my last, she said, "You sent me the card!" I was surprised the she put it together so quickly. I asked how she was doing, she started to tear up. I squeezed her hand, "It's still so fresh, it's hard." She said that it was hard when she was alone with her thoughts at work. I told her to call me whenever she wanted to talk. Another customer came in & I had to get back to work. ( We work a 4 day/36 hour week during the summer; 30 minute lunches.)
My shoes should be ready tomorrow. I hope to talk with her more or at least make plans to talk at a later time.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
sharing stories
A little background information...My husband is in a band. Recently the singer in the band mentioned that he had a brother who died & that he would visit the grave before going to rodeos. That was all Dh knew- not how old the brother was, when this happened, nothing. The singer had written a song inspired by his brother.
On Tuesday of this week, I was having lunch at work. A co-worker came in the break room. We usually don't eat at the same time, she was just hungy early that day. We were chatting and I mentioned my husband's band, namely the lead singer. She knew his family (gotta love small towns.). She said that his parents lost a baby in the same manner that they did - Anencephaly where babies are born without brains. it was an amazing coincidence - such a rare condition to happen in a small community twice. My coworker never found out why it happened to her baby. I shared our story about Sara.
That night I told DH what I had learned at lunch. He thinks that there was an brother who died when he was older, based on the song lyrics. He doesn't know how to bring it up to the singer tactfully.
On Tuesday of this week, I was having lunch at work. A co-worker came in the break room. We usually don't eat at the same time, she was just hungy early that day. We were chatting and I mentioned my husband's band, namely the lead singer. She knew his family (gotta love small towns.). She said that his parents lost a baby in the same manner that they did - Anencephaly where babies are born without brains. it was an amazing coincidence - such a rare condition to happen in a small community twice. My coworker never found out why it happened to her baby. I shared our story about Sara.
That night I told DH what I had learned at lunch. He thinks that there was an brother who died when he was older, based on the song lyrics. He doesn't know how to bring it up to the singer tactfully.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Welcome Baby S.
Yesterday Baby S. was born!! His parents go to my church. Last year they lost their first son Gabe at 5 months due to pneumonia. Baby S. was born exactly one year later.
I can only imagine the emotions the parents are going through. I know how hard it is for me to share a birthday with Sara. Perhaps this brought closure for the parents.
Looking forward to meeting you Baby S!
I can only imagine the emotions the parents are going through. I know how hard it is for me to share a birthday with Sara. Perhaps this brought closure for the parents.
Looking forward to meeting you Baby S!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
More Butterflies...
Back in November, Ethan & I went to visit one of my dearest friends in San Antonio. The three of us went to the zoo. The San Antonio Zoo has a butterfly house - an enclosed greenhouse with several varieties of butterflies as well as plants. As soon as we walked in, a butterfly landed on my shoulder and stayed there for several minutes. It was a very peaceful place. Outside of the butterfly house are butterfly cutouts for photo opportunities. This is Ethan in two of them.
Last March I posted about a couple from my church who lost their 5 month old son. They are pregnant again, expecting their second son approximately the same time the first son, Baby Gabe, died -late February/early March. The mother has been having contractions already. She had a dr. appt on Friday, may have to be put on bedrest, I haven't heard an update yet. They have already talked about inducing early - like at 36.5 weeks. Please keep this family in your prayers.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
This week
This has been a gray, overcast week. I think it has rained almost everyday, except for Friday! Friday was a beautiful fall day. Thursday night I was already feeling anxious & I think Ethan picked up on that. He stayed up too late & then woke up around 1 am. I sat down to rock him & it started raining. I was afraid that we wouldn't be able to go to the park like we had planned. But the morning turned out beauiful - sunny & clear. We played at the park with E for a while and then had a late lunch.
Over the past few days, I received wonderful cards & gifts, appropirate gifts. My mother-in-law came over Friday afternoon & we all went over to my parents' house. I arranged pink & white roses to place at Sara's tree. We released balloons near sunset. It's nice to see the little boys excited about the balloons. Ethan was upset when his balloon flew away, he cried a bit and said, "Bal-loo bye-bye."
We had dinner together & then cake. (I'll post a picture of the cake later.) It was just a nice peaceful day. Of course there were sad moments, I cried several times. But the pain wasn't as intense, as raw as it's been in the past.
As I've mentioned several times, my friend B lost her daughter four days after we lost Sara, on Oct. 6. The couple from our church who lost their 5 month old baby -he was born Oct. 5. So today we all brought flowers/plants to church. The babies' names and names of their parents were listed in the church bulletin. For a moment the 3 of us mothers were standing together, comparing jewelry honoring our babies. I'm so aware of that, our common bond.
Over the past few days, I received wonderful cards & gifts, appropirate gifts. My mother-in-law came over Friday afternoon & we all went over to my parents' house. I arranged pink & white roses to place at Sara's tree. We released balloons near sunset. It's nice to see the little boys excited about the balloons. Ethan was upset when his balloon flew away, he cried a bit and said, "Bal-loo bye-bye."
We had dinner together & then cake. (I'll post a picture of the cake later.) It was just a nice peaceful day. Of course there were sad moments, I cried several times. But the pain wasn't as intense, as raw as it's been in the past.
As I've mentioned several times, my friend B lost her daughter four days after we lost Sara, on Oct. 6. The couple from our church who lost their 5 month old baby -he was born Oct. 5. So today we all brought flowers/plants to church. The babies' names and names of their parents were listed in the church bulletin. For a moment the 3 of us mothers were standing together, comparing jewelry honoring our babies. I'm so aware of that, our common bond.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Calvin
Yesterday my aunt & I went shopping. On the drive home, I mentioned a story about our nephew
We talked about how sensitive a kid he is, he's just a great kid. (Can be a little turkey sometimes.) We talked about he "gets it" about losing Sara. Even our older niece doesn't seem to understand, she doesn't ask me anything about Sara.
The talk turned to losses in general. My father & aunt had a brother Calvin, he was the middle child. When he was in the 1st grade, he was hit & killed by a car as he was crossing the street to get on the school bus. I've always known about Calvin & very basic details. My father was 9 at the time, he and 2 other neighborhood boys saw the accident. I can't imagine that pain and horror. My father doesn't talk about Calvin. I want to spent the day with him and encourage him to tell me about his brother.
My aunt was only 18 months old when Calvin died, she doesn't remember him. She said that she had been angry about that, she was cheated out of any memories. I mentioned that I saw a picture of Calvin for the first time within 10 years. I thought my grandparents had hidden the pictures. They didn't own a camera themselves at this time & so didn't have many pictures of any of their children, just some school pictures or ones that other people took. She said that my grandmother always wished that she had more pitures of Calvin.
Then she told me that my grandmother told her (my grandmother died when I was 19) that I reminded her of Calvin, similar personalities. I cried when I heard that. I have a connection to my uncle that I never knew! I wonder if I remind my father of Calvin.
We continued to talk about losses & the grieving process. I mentioned the photography service Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. My aunt stopped me. She said she suddenly had a vision me of helping other in their grieving process. She didn't know if it would be a paid job or volunteering, but she felt that my grieving would eventually help others.
I don't know where this journey is leading me, but I know my Sara will be with me.
We talked about how sensitive a kid he is, he's just a great kid. (Can be a little turkey sometimes.) We talked about he "gets it" about losing Sara. Even our older niece doesn't seem to understand, she doesn't ask me anything about Sara.
The talk turned to losses in general. My father & aunt had a brother Calvin, he was the middle child. When he was in the 1st grade, he was hit & killed by a car as he was crossing the street to get on the school bus. I've always known about Calvin & very basic details. My father was 9 at the time, he and 2 other neighborhood boys saw the accident. I can't imagine that pain and horror. My father doesn't talk about Calvin. I want to spent the day with him and encourage him to tell me about his brother.
My aunt was only 18 months old when Calvin died, she doesn't remember him. She said that she had been angry about that, she was cheated out of any memories. I mentioned that I saw a picture of Calvin for the first time within 10 years. I thought my grandparents had hidden the pictures. They didn't own a camera themselves at this time & so didn't have many pictures of any of their children, just some school pictures or ones that other people took. She said that my grandmother always wished that she had more pitures of Calvin.
Then she told me that my grandmother told her (my grandmother died when I was 19) that I reminded her of Calvin, similar personalities. I cried when I heard that. I have a connection to my uncle that I never knew! I wonder if I remind my father of Calvin.
We continued to talk about losses & the grieving process. I mentioned the photography service Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. My aunt stopped me. She said she suddenly had a vision me of helping other in their grieving process. She didn't know if it would be a paid job or volunteering, but she felt that my grieving would eventually help others.
I don't know where this journey is leading me, but I know my Sara will be with me.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Random Comments
A few months after losing Sara, DH & I spent a late Christmas with his brother, sister-in-law & their kids and his father & his wife. At dinner the youngest niece was misbehaving. DH's brother said," Yeah if she had been the first -born, we wouldn't have had any more kids." DH & I looked at each other & the tears welled up. We excused ourselves and went outside. When we came back in, sister-in-law whispered a quick "sorry".
A few weeks ago, we had some friends and family over for a BBQ. I heard DH's brother tell some friends,"Yeah,if the youngest had been born first, we wouldn't have had any more kids." I wanted to snarl at him, "I'm so sorry that you have all three of your horrible kids." That stupid comment still stings. One day he's going at say it and I won't bite my tongue.
Several of the friends at the BBQ hadn't been to our house before, I gave a quick tour. While in Ethan's room, one of the women, a new neighbor, commented on the framed baptismal dress hanging there. At first she thought it was Ethan's outfit, but as she got closer, she realized it was a dress. Then she thought it may have been mine as a baby, but she realized it looked too new. So she asked why there was a framed dress in a little boy's room.
How I wish I could have a casual answer. "That old thing? I picked it up while vacationing in the Keys." Instead I take a deep breath and explain how we lost Sara at full-term. I like sharing Sara's story, hoping she'll be remembered.
I had a nice weekend. Friday night we dropped Ethan off with my parents and DH & I went to a BBQ cook-off. My sister's husband is a wonderful BBQ-er. I got to see a bunch of old friends, friends I haven't seen in 15+ years. Today DH & Ethan went to visit DH's mother. I had plans to visit a friend, but the plans fell through, so I went shopping alone. I prefer to shop alone some days, I'm on my time schedule, can go to the stores I want to go to. I went to a couple of children's clothes stores, got a few things for Ethan. I makes me a little sad to see all of the little girl clothes. I feel like I shouldn't even be on that side of the store.
A few weeks ago, we had some friends and family over for a BBQ. I heard DH's brother tell some friends,"Yeah,if the youngest had been born first, we wouldn't have had any more kids." I wanted to snarl at him, "I'm so sorry that you have all three of your horrible kids." That stupid comment still stings. One day he's going at say it and I won't bite my tongue.
Several of the friends at the BBQ hadn't been to our house before, I gave a quick tour. While in Ethan's room, one of the women, a new neighbor, commented on the framed baptismal dress hanging there. At first she thought it was Ethan's outfit, but as she got closer, she realized it was a dress. Then she thought it may have been mine as a baby, but she realized it looked too new. So she asked why there was a framed dress in a little boy's room.
How I wish I could have a casual answer. "That old thing? I picked it up while vacationing in the Keys." Instead I take a deep breath and explain how we lost Sara at full-term. I like sharing Sara's story, hoping she'll be remembered.
I had a nice weekend. Friday night we dropped Ethan off with my parents and DH & I went to a BBQ cook-off. My sister's husband is a wonderful BBQ-er. I got to see a bunch of old friends, friends I haven't seen in 15+ years. Today DH & Ethan went to visit DH's mother. I had plans to visit a friend, but the plans fell through, so I went shopping alone. I prefer to shop alone some days, I'm on my time schedule, can go to the stores I want to go to. I went to a couple of children's clothes stores, got a few things for Ethan. I makes me a little sad to see all of the little girl clothes. I feel like I shouldn't even be on that side of the store.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Support Groups
When we lived in Austin, DH & I went to 2 support groups, they met monthly, we went almost every month. It was good for us to talk with other parents who had lost children. I made a few good friends through these groups.
A few months ago, I received an invitation to join a mother's group in our small town. Ethan goes to a church-run day care and a few ladies from the church organized this group. I went the first few months, they were still working out the plan - what would we do each month? Maybe it would have been different if I joined after they were already established, but it felt so wishy-washy to me. Some ladies suggested different crafts to do, quick recipes/grocery tips, fun things to do around town with the kids, etc... There was no focus.
In the grief support group, that was our common bond - grief over losing a child and everything that goes with it. We didn't have a topic of the month. We just shared what ever was going on in our lives. Some months, usually near holidays, we talked about how we planned to handle 'celebrating' those events, but often we just vented, and cried.
Maybe just being "a mom" is too broad of a term. Believe me, I get stressed, but this particular group I didn't click with. If I want to do crafts, I go into my craft room/guest bedroom and find a craft. Or I would join a craft group specifically. I felt like if I was stressed about parenting - say if Ethan was biting, I couldn't vent about that because a craft had been planned.
But usually if I'm stressed and need some adult time, I arrange for Ethan to stay with family while DH & I have a date night. Or I leave Ethan & DH at home while I have dinner & drinks with friends.
A few months ago, I received an invitation to join a mother's group in our small town. Ethan goes to a church-run day care and a few ladies from the church organized this group. I went the first few months, they were still working out the plan - what would we do each month? Maybe it would have been different if I joined after they were already established, but it felt so wishy-washy to me. Some ladies suggested different crafts to do, quick recipes/grocery tips, fun things to do around town with the kids, etc... There was no focus.
In the grief support group, that was our common bond - grief over losing a child and everything that goes with it. We didn't have a topic of the month. We just shared what ever was going on in our lives. Some months, usually near holidays, we talked about how we planned to handle 'celebrating' those events, but often we just vented, and cried.
Maybe just being "a mom" is too broad of a term. Believe me, I get stressed, but this particular group I didn't click with. If I want to do crafts, I go into my craft room/guest bedroom and find a craft. Or I would join a craft group specifically. I felt like if I was stressed about parenting - say if Ethan was biting, I couldn't vent about that because a craft had been planned.
But usually if I'm stressed and need some adult time, I arrange for Ethan to stay with family while DH & I have a date night. Or I leave Ethan & DH at home while I have dinner & drinks with friends.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Beginnings and Endings
Today I received an email from a member of one of my old support groups, she & her family moved about the same time my family moved. She had a baby boy today - her baby after a loss, after numerous tries. I'm overjoyed for this family.
Today I also received an email from an old friend - her younger brother died today. About 12 years ago, when he was 12, he suddenly become very sick. The doctors belive it was a virus. G could barely talk; eating & swimming have been his only pleasures for the past 12 years. My heart aches for this family.
Today I also received an email from an old friend - her younger brother died today. About 12 years ago, when he was 12, he suddenly become very sick. The doctors belive it was a virus. G could barely talk; eating & swimming have been his only pleasures for the past 12 years. My heart aches for this family.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Support
Several weeks , possibly months ago, I came across the blog of another DB Mama. I wish I could find this entry back, it was in her archives, not even a recent entry. She wrote about a study that had been done on bloggers, how blogging helps them, like a form of therapy.
When I first lost Sara, I visited a message board for parents who had lost babies. Without knowing these families' stories, I found the message board to be even more upsetting. I found entries that basically said "It's been 6 months, or 12 months, or 5 years and it still hurts." That scared me. What was going to happen to me and to my DH?
It's been almost 2.5 years since I lost my Sara and yes, it does still hurt. But if a mother who recently lost her baby did a search for blogs she could read our stories - from our first entry to the most current. She could see the highs and lows, how we've progressed over time - not just a random post on a message board.
My DH & I used to meet with two different support groups and with a therapist occasionally. Blogging has been another form of therapy. I can share my feelings and experiences with others. I know I don't have many followers, but if you recently came across my blog or others in deadbabyland, you are welcome here. It's the worst club to be a member of, but some of the most amazing people are here.
When I first lost Sara, I visited a message board for parents who had lost babies. Without knowing these families' stories, I found the message board to be even more upsetting. I found entries that basically said "It's been 6 months, or 12 months, or 5 years and it still hurts." That scared me. What was going to happen to me and to my DH?
It's been almost 2.5 years since I lost my Sara and yes, it does still hurt. But if a mother who recently lost her baby did a search for blogs she could read our stories - from our first entry to the most current. She could see the highs and lows, how we've progressed over time - not just a random post on a message board.
My DH & I used to meet with two different support groups and with a therapist occasionally. Blogging has been another form of therapy. I can share my feelings and experiences with others. I know I don't have many followers, but if you recently came across my blog or others in deadbabyland, you are welcome here. It's the worst club to be a member of, but some of the most amazing people are here.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Baby G.
Last night my friend B. called - another couple from our church lost a baby. Baby G. was roughly 6 months old. I don't have all the details - he was sick, his parents took him to the doctor's office, he had chest X-rays. Whatever was found was not good, he was going to be taken to a larger hospital. Instead he died from respiratory failure.
My heart aches for this family. Baby G. was an adorable little boy, strawberry blonde, curly hair. I've stroked that hair. I've admired him and talked to his parents about how beautiful he was. I want to go to their house and sit with the mother and hold her hand while she cries.
This has brought up old emotions for me - losing a baby unexpectedly. I was putting Ethan to bed last night & just started crying. I asked DH to put Ethan to bed, I needed a good cry. I didn't sleep very well. Ethan woke up once, but I woke up several times, looked at the clock & thought about all the lost babies. So very sad.
Please keep this young family in your thoughts.
My heart aches for this family. Baby G. was an adorable little boy, strawberry blonde, curly hair. I've stroked that hair. I've admired him and talked to his parents about how beautiful he was. I want to go to their house and sit with the mother and hold her hand while she cries.
This has brought up old emotions for me - losing a baby unexpectedly. I was putting Ethan to bed last night & just started crying. I asked DH to put Ethan to bed, I needed a good cry. I didn't sleep very well. Ethan woke up once, but I woke up several times, looked at the clock & thought about all the lost babies. So very sad.
Please keep this young family in your thoughts.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Grace
A friend gave me this set of Philosophy bath & body products - Amazing Grace.
On each bottle there are comments about having grace in difficult situations. I'm not sure if she bought this particular set for me because she thinks I have grace or she liked the scent - it's a delicate, feminine scent.
I'll take it either way.
On each bottle there are comments about having grace in difficult situations. I'm not sure if she bought this particular set for me because she thinks I have grace or she liked the scent - it's a delicate, feminine scent.
I'll take it either way.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
37 Years
Tomorrow will be the 37th birthday of my cousin who was stillborn.
I talked with my aunt a few days ago, lent her my copy of this book and told her that I plan to leave flowers on Keith's grave soon.
Today, I was able to cut some fresh flowers from our yard (some kind of white perfume-y flowers). I tied a note to the vase "You are Remembered." After church DH, Ethan & I went to the cemetery. I knew that Keith's grave was near the fence line of the cemetary, but it took me a few minutes to find it. I knelt down to leave the vase & just paused for a moment to think of this cousin that I never knew, but will never forget.
Isn't that what we all want? To have someone leave flowers in memory of our babies 37 years from now?
I talked with my aunt a few days ago, lent her my copy of this book and told her that I plan to leave flowers on Keith's grave soon.
Today, I was able to cut some fresh flowers from our yard (some kind of white perfume-y flowers). I tied a note to the vase "You are Remembered." After church DH, Ethan & I went to the cemetery. I knew that Keith's grave was near the fence line of the cemetary, but it took me a few minutes to find it. I knelt down to leave the vase & just paused for a moment to think of this cousin that I never knew, but will never forget.
Isn't that what we all want? To have someone leave flowers in memory of our babies 37 years from now?
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Ex.act Re.plica
If you haven't read this book yet, you should. It's a beautiful memoir of a stillbirth and a SPAL. Although we have our own stories, the events that led up to the loss of our babies, there are other details that we can all relate to.
I don't want to give away any of the details, but I laughed at an absurd story she shared, a misunderstanding. It reminded me of an absurd misunderstanding I had in the hospital. Our nurse shared a story of another couple, their baby wasn't expected to live but a few hours. The father said out loud, "Grass! I want my baby to experience grass." My first though was "Why would you want your dying baby to smoke grass? But I guess it would numb the parents' pain." The nurse continued, the father ran outside and picked some grass from the hospital lawn. (Oh yeah, lawn/grass, that would be more appropriate.)
I cried a lot too. Ms. McCracken wrote about wanting to know the names of all the babies who have died, to tell their parents "It happened to me too." so they would feel normal and to remember their babies. I know this feeling too well.
It's a quick read, I stayed up too late reading it, but I finished it over a weekend.
I don't want to give away any of the details, but I laughed at an absurd story she shared, a misunderstanding. It reminded me of an absurd misunderstanding I had in the hospital. Our nurse shared a story of another couple, their baby wasn't expected to live but a few hours. The father said out loud, "Grass! I want my baby to experience grass." My first though was "Why would you want your dying baby to smoke grass? But I guess it would numb the parents' pain." The nurse continued, the father ran outside and picked some grass from the hospital lawn. (Oh yeah, lawn/grass, that would be more appropriate.)
I cried a lot too. Ms. McCracken wrote about wanting to know the names of all the babies who have died, to tell their parents "It happened to me too." so they would feel normal and to remember their babies. I know this feeling too well.
It's a quick read, I stayed up too late reading it, but I finished it over a weekend.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
