Christ.m@s c@rds

Most of us probably chose cards that represent us at that moment. Do we want a traditional image? comical? A photo of the family? Since losing Sara, I am more aware of my recipients. What are they feeling this holiday season?

The first Christmas after losing Sara, I choose a serene angel with a simple quote inside. I don't have any left, but I remember thinking that they were appropriate coming from grieving parents. The following year, I made cards. The cover said "JOY" with Ethan's picture in the "O". Since then, I have used pictures of Ethan for our cards.

I try to send a different card to friends and family members who may be hurting during the holidays. My best friend lost her step-father at the end of September. I wanted to send a Thanksgiving card but couldn't find one with an appropriate sentiment. So I ended up sending a Thinking of You card. Last year I wanted to send a few Christmas cards to families who had a loss during the year. I went to the local H@llm@rk store and looked over the individual cards. Everything was cheerful, not appropriate. Even the blank cards didn't have appropriate images. I found at least 3 cards appropriate for a niece and her significant other, nothing that seemed appropriate to send a loved one who was hurting at Christmas, struggling with being a part of Christmas, but don't want to be overlooked either.

I finally found a small 6 pack of cards with an angel and a lamb. The sentiment wasn't exactly what I was looking for, but close enough. I hope other stores carry appropriate cards, maybe just my location didn't carry a good selection. I'll be ending over to the card shop in a few days, hoping I can find a card that fits the situation.

For the last 4 Christmases, I have decorated a small Christmas tree in Sara's memory. I mailed cards to close family and friends, asking for an ornament that represents Sara's spirit. We received various angels, hearts, butterflies, even a snowflake (because snowflakes last only a moment, but touch your soul forever).

Saturday night, we brought down the tree and ornaments. I let Ethan help me with the less fragile ones. I explained that this was for our angel Sara. I showed him an ornament with her name on it. I showed him how to spell her name S-A-R-A, Sara. He started singing, "Sara, Sara, Sara." I started to cry. DH was very touched hearing Ethan singing her name.

I told him that Sara is his big sister, but he's too young to understand. But I'm glad to be laying the foundation for him to understand as he gets older.

Christmas Cards

Saturday we received several Christmas cards. Two in particular stand out. One we received from a family who lost their 16 year old daughter. They sent a photo card, in the center was a Christmas ornament with her name on it. Then on either side was a photo of the family. They also included a free-form poem, basically listing things that they did through out 2009, meaning that their daughter was with them as they experienced these things. I cried when I read it, so beautiful and touching.

The second card was from a young family, they sent a photo card of their nearly 2 year old daughter. Their poem included the news that they are pregnant again, due in the summer. I couldn't help but think, "I hope nothing happens to the baby." I know I wouldn't be comfortable making an announcement that way.

Ethan was honored in his great-grandparents' Christmas card. They handmake their Christmas cards, have been for 60 years! The cover showed a little drummer boy. Inside they wrote that this was the 60th year of their making cards and it was dedicated to the two new drummers in the family, Ethan and a cousin who started playing drums in her jr. high band. I found it to be a wonderful coincidenece because we took a picture of Ethan playing on a full drum set, then on our Christmas card the message was " I'll play my drums for Him... pa rum pa pum pum..."

October

This is the cake I made for my & Sara's birthday.

Looking back, I think Oct. 3 was harder than the 2nd. There's always so much anticipation before Sara's Day and then it's just over. On top of top, then we shift gears to celebrate Ethan's birthday a week later.

I've been burning a votive candle today, remembering all of the lost babies. The candle burned to the bottom.

Today I went to the thrift store to get ideas for Ethan's Halloween costume. Looking through a rack, I came across a Halloween onesie, I had bought the same one for Sara. I bought it the weekend before she died. I knew I wouldn't do a costume for a 4 week old, but a onesie was OK. When she died, I had a friend return it and some other things to the store. So seeing this onesie again took my breath away. I had so looked forward to seeing Sara in this little outfit, to celebrate a holiday with her.

Grace

A friend gave me this set of Philosophy bath & body products - Amazing Grace.

On each bottle there are comments about having grace in difficult situations. I'm not sure if she bought this particular set for me because she thinks I have grace or she liked the scent - it's a delicate, feminine scent.

I'll take it either way.

Thanksgiving Recap

We got a sneak peek of the Christmas card that DH's grandparents designed in memory of Sara. On the cover was a Christmas ornament made out of blue paper that had been embossed (I think that's the word) so there was a raised pattern. In the center of that was an angel. The angle was from the back, like you're looking over her shoulder - the wings were there and then the side of her face.

Inside the sentiment was along the lines of,"As the Baby Jesus inspired Christmas, let the children in your life inspired your Christmas. In Memory of Sara Elizabeth." I'll be sure to scan it in when we receive ours in the mail.

We spent Thanksgiving Day with DH's family. We have 2 nieces & a nephew from this side of the family. The oldest girl is your typical teenager, spent most of the day texting her friends. But the 2 youngest (10 y.o. & 6 y.o.) are greedy, disrespectful brats. They fought with each other & their parents, cheated at games, and are simply horrible to be around. I won't go into all the family history & drama. But it makes me sad that these hateful, mean children continue to be mean and hateful - primarily because their parents do a crappy job of parenting. And our Sara, who we planned for and we discussed parenting before we ever got pregnant, is gone.

Today we had a nice Thanksgiving with my family. Nothing that stands out, but sometimes that's what makes it special - just a day with family, enjoying each other's company & good food.

Happy Halloween!

The "face" is in the wood grain of our fence.

Halloween

I like Halloween and fall in general. I like the Harvest/Fall festivals with baked goods & hand-made crafts for sale. We enjoyed pumpkin smoothies last night. As an adult, I prefer funny & clever costumes to scary ones.

A few weeks ago, DH & I went to a big craft store. They had Halloween decorations for sale. One of the decorations was a 'zombie' holding a head. That just doesn't sit well with me. I don't want headstones decorating my yard or skeltons sitting around. It brings me back to my dead baby and I don't want to think of her in those terms - creepy, scary, frightening.

She was a beautiful baby, so serene and peaceful. But I'll always be haunted by that day, the nightmare of a day when we lost our precious Sara.

Ethan's not dressing up this year. I borrowed a costume from my sister, my nephew was Bam-Bam from the Flintstones when he was 1.5 years old. Ethan didn't like it, he just liked to pet it, like a cat.

Sara's tree

Last year i couldn't bring myself to decorate the Christmas tree. But then a friend from our grief group gave us an ornament that touched me. It's a ceramic disk with a picture of an angel singing painted on it. On the back is Sara's name & her birth information. It was such a sweet gesture. So I decided that this year I wanted to decorate a tree just for Sara. I sent a note to our parents, siblings, & a few other close family members, inviting them to share an ornament that represented Sara's spirit. ( That was hard to word, I wanted to be sure that no one gave us a "Baby's 2nd Christmas" ornament, but I couldn't come out & say that unless asked.) We received several ornaments over Thanksgiving - angels, hearts, butterflies, a snowflake (because snowflakes last only a moment but touch your soul forever.) doves, a cross, perfect ornaments to honor Sara.