Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Anything would be better

Over the weekend, the brother of an old high school friend died. He was 37, had a heart attack due to an enlarged heart.

His funeral is tomorrow, in our hometown. I'm trying half-heartly to find a babysitter for Ethan so I could go. Funerals are hard - period. I haven't kept in touch with my old friend since graduating. But I know how much it meant to me to have friends and family at Sara's memorial service, so I'll try to go.

But another old friend will be there, M. M & C (the sister of the deceased man) are best friends. M & I have kept in touch over the years, lived in the same town until about 1.5 years ago. But after losing Sara, she said some thoughtless things.

I don't want to be bitter with her, but she doesn't get how hard it is to lose a child, she just always seems to say the wrong thing when I'm hurting. I don't think I wrote about this before, but this was probably the root of it. Six years ago, DH & I lost a friend in a car accident. We hadn't known her for very long, but she was one of those amazing people, she inspired others. I was truly heart-broken when Laura died. When I mentioned this to M., she shared her thoughts about death. She believes that when people die, perhaps it was because something worse was going to happen to them. I find that to be very naive. What's worse than dying young?? To leave your family & friends hurting, heart-broken, angry?

When Sara died, M said the same thing to me again. She honestly believes that. I was speechless. I just don't want to be around her anymore. I hope M hasn't said this to her best friend. Really, it's not comforting.

I just can't imagine anything worse than dying young. If Sara was born alive, but with medical issues - it would be hard and stressful, but I would have my daughter. I would know the color of her eyes, perhaps hear her laugh, feel her warm body in my arms.

I thought of 'bad' scenarios, but I know, like me, my daughter would be strong and she would survive emotionally, even if she was haunted by thos events. Anything would be better than dying young.

And so, I don't want to go to this funeral because I don't want M to try to catch up and act like she never hurt me. Not at a funeral two days before the anniversary of Sara's death. If I go, I'll only stay for the service, not for the socializing afterwards.

Thursday, September 24, 2009


Yesterday my aunt & I went shopping. On the drive home, I mentioned a story about our nephew
We talked about how sensitive a kid he is, he's just a great kid. (Can be a little turkey sometimes.) We talked about he "gets it" about losing Sara. Even our older niece doesn't seem to understand, she doesn't ask me anything about Sara.

The talk turned to losses in general. My father & aunt had a brother Calvin, he was the middle child. When he was in the 1st grade, he was hit & killed by a car as he was crossing the street to get on the school bus. I've always known about Calvin & very basic details. My father was 9 at the time, he and 2 other neighborhood boys saw the accident. I can't imagine that pain and horror. My father doesn't talk about Calvin. I want to spent the day with him and encourage him to tell me about his brother.

My aunt was only 18 months old when Calvin died, she doesn't remember him. She said that she had been angry about that, she was cheated out of any memories. I mentioned that I saw a picture of Calvin for the first time within 10 years. I thought my grandparents had hidden the pictures. They didn't own a camera themselves at this time & so didn't have many pictures of any of their children, just some school pictures or ones that other people took. She said that my grandmother always wished that she had more pitures of Calvin.

Then she told me that my grandmother told her (my grandmother died when I was 19) that I reminded her of Calvin, similar personalities. I cried when I heard that. I have a connection to my uncle that I never knew! I wonder if I remind my father of Calvin.

We continued to talk about losses & the grieving process. I mentioned the photography service Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. My aunt stopped me. She said she suddenly had a vision me of helping other in their grieving process. She didn't know if it would be a paid job or volunteering, but she felt that my grieving would eventually help others.

I don't know where this journey is leading me, but I know my Sara will be with me.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Good-bye Mr. Swayze.

Does anyone think that their baby may be hanging out with celebrities in heaven? I think Sara would want to say "Hi" to Patrick Swayze, being Texans & all. I don't imagine full-on conversations, but I think "I've never met a celebrity, maybe my Sara is hanging out with someone famous."

Good-bye Mr. Swayze, I hope you had the time of your life.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Random Stuff

A few weeks ago, my 6 y.o. nephew was spending the afternoon with us. We played in Ethan's room. Nephew asked "Where did you get that dress?" Sara's would-be baptism dress that is framed and hangs in Ethan's room. This nephew remembers me being pregnant and is aware that Sara died. So I took a deep breath and said, "Remember the baby that we lost, our baby Sara? That was supposed to be her dress." Nephew accepted that answer and nodded. Then he said, "If she were alive and you had Ethan, they'd be friends and play together, like me and my brother!" Yes, yes they would be friends. I love that kid!

Yesterday DH got an email from a friend, asking for our address, they wanted to send us an invitation. They have a daughter who is a few days older than Ethan, her 2nd birthday party would be the first weekend in October. DH replied, "Thank you for including us, but we wouldn't be able to attend that weekend." When DH told me about it, he started to tear up. It breaks my heart that a simple child's birthday party is so upsetting.

I'm interviewing for a new job, trying to go full-time. I miss the social aspect of working. I wonder if I'll be able to take off for Sara's day? At least a half-day.