Tuesday, February 26, 2008


DH & I have talked about moving from the North side of town to the South to be closer to his jobfor several months. Well a few weeks ago, my sister said "It would be nicer if y'all lived closer, so I could see my nephew more often." I guess the timing was right. The next day, I started looking at houses on-line & then shared my crazy thoughts with DH. He really liked the idea of moving to a smaller town - but yet bigger than the towns we each grew up in. After looking at a few houses in person, we kept coming back to a historic 100 year old house in town. It's so charming, 3 bedrooms/2 baths, original hardwood floors, a cute porch for rocking chairs, several huge pecan trees. One of the big benefits was that there is a separate man-cave attached to the garage - that will be DH's office - he'll telecommute. It's a new building, has A/C, electrical, phone & cable lines. Yes, we'll even have indoor plumbing!

I've been asked if I'm sad about moving from this house. I am. This is our first house, we made it a home. We made our mark on it - painted our colors, some upgrades. We have some wonderful memories here. DH proposed here, I was pregnant with both Sara & Ethan here, we celebrated birthdays, holidays and anniversaries. We also mourned the loss of Sara here. We'll be able to take Sara's ashes with us when we go, so that's not an issue. We'll miss the wonderful friends we have here. We'll miss the cool things this city has to offer. But we're looking forward to the change.

I was concerned about putting our house on the market, the showings to be specific. What could I do with Sara's ashes? I didn't want to leave them on the shelf in the living room. I was afraid that I would forget to take them with me if Ethan & I had to leave the house in a hurry if a realtor called to show the house. I could not put her ashes in the storage unit. So a friend suggested a decorative box. Wouldn't you know it, I bought a large decorative box a few weeks - with butterflies on it! I knew I would use it for Sara's things, but I was thinking cards & such, but it'll work for her ashes & pictures until we move into our new house.

My turn

Monica (her link is to the right)tagged me, I'll try to tag 3 others, but I think most have been tagged already.
The rules:

1) Link to the person who tagged you (see above).

2) Post the rules.

3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.

4) Tag at least three people.

5) Make sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did.

Six non-important things about me:

1) I have a penpal that lives 2 hours away from me. (It was 3 & 4 hours away during high school & then college.) I met Justina in the 6th grade, in the 10th grade her family moved away & we started writing each other. This was before the internet, so we hand-wrote everything. Now we still hand write about 80% of our letters, the rest are written in Word, but still mailed. We rarely call each other, but do email often & get together maybe 2X a year.

2)I have a huge family. My grandparents had 9 kids, 2 sets of twins. My grandfather was quoted "When they started coming out in two's, I knew it was time to stop." My grandparents had 25 grandchildren & many many more great-grandchildren. There majority of us grew up in a 10 mile radius of each other. (No we're not inbred.) As my generation has grown up, gone off to college, married, ran from the law, whatever, we've become spread out, but now DH & I have decided to return to the area. Heaven help us.

3)I bake a damn fine buttermilk pie.

4)I was in 4-H from the 4th grade to the 10th grade. I raised pigs. I wanted to raise lambs, they were cuter & didn't stink as much.

5)I love puns, any kind of word play. Speaking of farm animals, I used to own a cow. After the cow had a calf, I changed its name to Decalf because it had been 'de-calf-inated' HA! I kill me!

6)I'm obsessed with Hawaii. After spending 10 beautiful, healing, spiritual days there in January 2007, I can't wait to go back.

OK, I looked & everyone I wanted to tag has already been tagged.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Butterflies & a new normal

When I was pregnant with Ethan, I went to the fabric store one day looking for a craft project - anything that inspired me. I came across some fabric, a brocade with colorful butterflies. I bought a few yards, not even knowing what I would do with it. I figured that I could find someone to make an Asian-inspired top for me; I don't really sew stuff like that,I just do very simple stuff. Well a few weeks ago I was inspired - I could sew a wrap! I finished it Saturday morning & wore it to a wedding that night. I got a few compliments on it. Most of the people who said anything wouldn't put the butterfly/Sara connection together, but it was just one more way for me to keep her near me.

At the wedding I talked to 2 women I haven't seen in years. Both knew of my loss and it felt good to share my story with them. I couldn't help but think in the back of my mind, "We're at a wedding, everyone else is dancing & laughing & joking around & simply having a fun evening. I'm talking about my dead daughter and how she touches my life daily. This is my new normal."

My friend Becca & her husband brought her new daughter to the wedding. (We left Ethan with my parents.) So I finally got to meet little Miss Darcy. It didn't work out for us to visit when they were in the hospital like we originally planned. Darcy is perfect and so precious. She felt like a feather at less than 8 pounds compared to my chunk at almost 18 pounds. Sunday we stopped by their house for a little while & we took a picture ofthe 2 of them. Cute uh?

Sunday we went to church - the church Becca & I grew up in, the church we got married in. As we were going up the stairs to the balcony (where families with small children are encouraged to sit), we noticed a plaque with a list of names for who memorials to the church had been given. There was Sara's name! And below it, Elizabeth's. It made me stop for a moment. I wasn't expecting that. I knew that money was donated to the church in Sara's memory, but I never thought about the church acknowledging it in a permanent way. It felt good to see her name engraved, it will be there for years to come.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Busy, busy

I was feeling overwhelmed last week - just taking on more than I could handle - working part-time with Ethan at my side, the poor kid doesn't have a routine - so he doesn't sleep well which means I don't sleep well. In addition to the regular day to day cleaning, we're trying to put our house on the market in early March. I don't get much 'me' time. My DH is very capable of taking care of Ethan, but some times Ethan refuses to take a bottle, he's a boob man. So of course I have to stay near him.

I'm learning to ask DH for more help, not letting the frustration build up.

We put an offer on an 100 year old house. It's in a small town, near where I grew up, my family will be near by. The owners counter-offered with a price that we feel is still too high - the house isn't perfect, although it is livable. So we're gonna look at some other houses in the area.

Saturday night we went to a potluck dinner with one of our support groups. There were 8 couples and 14 children - some born before the loss, most born after. What an inspiring evening, such a loving supportive group.

Thursday, February 7, 2008


Yesterday my friend Becca gave birth to her daughter Darcy Grace. She weighed 7lbs, 13 oz, measured 20.5 inches. Becca isn't a friend from blogland, I know her IRL, Becca lost her daughter Elizabeth 4 days after we lost Sara. I couldn't be happier for them. Ethan & I plan to visit them tomorrow, I'm so excited.

Ethan hasn't been sleeping well, he's been snotty. oh hell it's been weeks since he slept through the night, not just because of a cough. So I haven't slept well either. It's really wearing me down. My neck hurts. I'm still working part-time. DH & I want to put our house on the market in March, we've done a few repairs & I've packed up a few boxes of photos, other decorative pieces. But there's more repairs, painting, packing, deep cleaning. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I do this to myself. I need a break.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Eye Doctor

Several days ago, another blogger Coggy wrote about going to the dentist after the loss of her son & I was reminded of my eye doctor appt a few weeks after losing Sara.

This was a new doctor for me, never meet him before. Of course I had to fill out the new patient paperwork & I think I had to mention that I recently was in the hospital. But I kept it together until I actually had my exam. The doctor asked when I had noticed a change in my vision. It was while I was pregnant with Sara. I started crying. The doctor gave me a tissue. I remember that it was the cheapest, roughest tissue. For an eye doctor, he didn't care what his patients put near their tear ducts. He was sympathetic, let me pull myself together and we finished the exam.

Of course I needed a new prescription. I looked through the frames on the displays, I kept coming back to one in particular - one of the cheapest & I thought they were cute. Then I noticed the name of the style on the earpiece - Sarah. I knew they were the pair for me.