Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Anything would be better

Over the weekend, the brother of an old high school friend died. He was 37, had a heart attack due to an enlarged heart.

His funeral is tomorrow, in our hometown. I'm trying half-heartly to find a babysitter for Ethan so I could go. Funerals are hard - period. I haven't kept in touch with my old friend since graduating. But I know how much it meant to me to have friends and family at Sara's memorial service, so I'll try to go.

But another old friend will be there, M. M & C (the sister of the deceased man) are best friends. M & I have kept in touch over the years, lived in the same town until about 1.5 years ago. But after losing Sara, she said some thoughtless things.

I don't want to be bitter with her, but she doesn't get how hard it is to lose a child, she just always seems to say the wrong thing when I'm hurting. I don't think I wrote about this before, but this was probably the root of it. Six years ago, DH & I lost a friend in a car accident. We hadn't known her for very long, but she was one of those amazing people, she inspired others. I was truly heart-broken when Laura died. When I mentioned this to M., she shared her thoughts about death. She believes that when people die, perhaps it was because something worse was going to happen to them. I find that to be very naive. What's worse than dying young?? To leave your family & friends hurting, heart-broken, angry?

When Sara died, M said the same thing to me again. She honestly believes that. I was speechless. I just don't want to be around her anymore. I hope M hasn't said this to her best friend. Really, it's not comforting.

I just can't imagine anything worse than dying young. If Sara was born alive, but with medical issues - it would be hard and stressful, but I would have my daughter. I would know the color of her eyes, perhaps hear her laugh, feel her warm body in my arms.

I thought of 'bad' scenarios, but I know, like me, my daughter would be strong and she would survive emotionally, even if she was haunted by thos events. Anything would be better than dying young.

And so, I don't want to go to this funeral because I don't want M to try to catch up and act like she never hurt me. Not at a funeral two days before the anniversary of Sara's death. If I go, I'll only stay for the service, not for the socializing afterwards.


Ya Chun said...

Funerals ARE hard! I am sorry.

Well, at least you know that M really believes this, this is her life view. She is not spouting something off the cuff. Doesn't mean she is anywhere near correct!

Thinking of you and Sara these next few days...

Monica H said...

Funerals are so hard, and not made any easier by Sara's upcoming day.

I hope that if you go, you can be of comfort the their family. If M tries to talk to you, just tell her that this isn't the time or place, and leave it at that.

So many emotions this week. I'm sorry.

Kristi said...

Thank you all for the comments. My babysitter fell through, but I think it's for the best.

The emotions have already started to build and I really don't care to see M. at this time. I did tell her that I'd go to the funeral if I had a babysitter. Well, I don't have a babysitter, I don't have to explain anything else to her.

I will send a card to the family though.