Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Thoughts



We got home Monday afternoon. Since then I try to sleep when I can. Ethan tends to sleep all day & then is awake during the night & wants to nurse more. Luckily I can sneak in naps myself. Today he was up for a while during the late afternoon, so I hope he'll sleep more tonight.

I've done so much laundry. We received a lot of clothes as gifts so I've been washing the 0-3 month sizes as well as sorting & storing the bigger sizes.

I think Ethan looks like Sara in a sibling-kinda way, not a spitting image, but they favor each other. Usually when Ethan is peacefully sleeping, I can see Sara. It doesn't upset me. I just think "Sara is gone", just acknowledging everything that the loss of my daughter encompasses. If Sara were here, I wouldn't have Ethan. I'll always love & honor Sara, but having Ethan to hold, to nurse, to change his diapers, I know more of what I missed with Sara. Sara has taught me so much about myself.
We planned to deliver vaginally, but after pushing for 2 hours, Ethan wasn't progressing; I went in for a C-section. I started getting anxious after 9:30 pm. Sara was delivered at 10:22pm, Ethan was born at 10:17pm. After he was delivered, we were told that the umbilical cord was around his neck 4 times. I don't even want to think about what would have happened if we had continued to push. (Although I was so exhausted, I think DH would have insisted on a C-section.) I know Sara was watching over us Thursday night.

DH's grandfather wrote a beautiful poem for Sara, saing how we've come full circle in a year's time & have felt pain & joy and that we'll keep her memory with us. I cry everytime I read it.
This is Ethan in his Thinking Cap.

7 comments:

Monica said...

He's such a cutie! I didn't get you newborn size clothes because I figured you'd get only one wear out of them. I find that ANdy loves the sleeper outfits so I ran out and got a bunch of those. All of the cute outfits I got at Gymboree he hates, but the cheap Target sleepers he loves. Go figure. Glad to hear you are getting sleep.

Monica said...

hmm.. I typed a comment then it vanished. I'm glad that your are getting some sleep. How is Josh doing? Yeah, it really hit me how much we lost when we brought Andy home. It made Jimmy's death even more sad because Andy looks just like him, especially like you write, when he is sleeping.

mkv said...

Cute, cute CUTE! Thanks for sharing the pictures. Congratulations!

Lori said...

I love the thinking cap! Too cute!

And I just want to say that you and Monica have given me hope for our future.

Monica H said...

I love his thinking cap :) and I'm glad you are all doing so well. Get as much sleep as you can, while you can. Do you still need me to bring over the Kona coffee?

Kristi said...

no, no need for Kona coffee. I still haven't gotten the taste for coffee back. I had a sip of Josh's & couldn't commit to my own cup. Blah.

Kim said...

I love his squishy little cheeks! He's so precious!