Yesterday, I went to the store to buy a 3 foot Christmas tree just for Sara. It will be in our living room & all of the ornaments will be for Sara. I enjoyed my time in the store - all the pretty ornaments, the cute snowmen & Santas, the sparkly gift wrap. I looked at a few ornaments, but didn't buy anymore, not until I hang the ones we have. If it needs more, I'll buy more. Plus I forgot lights.
When I got home & removed the tree from its box, I was suddenly sad. I didn't want a damn tree, I want Sara. I felt good, doing something to remember Sara and at the same time so sad.
Early this morning, I had a dream about Sara, I don't often dream about her, at least not that I recall. So I cherish the ones I do remember. In this dream Sara was still the size she was at birth and Ethan was his current size, so he was huge compared to little Sara. But for a moment I could 'see' both of my babies. I felt so happy and at peace seeing Sara & Ethan together. But then I also felt sad, my dreams can't come true, Sara's never coming back.