Friday, January 4, 2008

Jealousy & Other Feelings

Earlier this week, Monica & I got together to discuss motherhood after a loss. We brought up feelings of jealousy towards pregnant women. I have strong feelings of jealousy and sadness if I talk to the woman or overhear her, especially if she's complaining about petty stuff. No matter how many times I am pregnant, I won't be able to completely enjoy another pregnancy like I did with Sara. I was nervous with Ethan, I could enjoy moments - when he was kicking, hearing his heartbeat, watching him on the monitor at an ultrasound, but for the most part there was an underlying nervousness all the time. I'm jealous that I lost my innocence when I lost Sara.

But when I see pregnant women out shopping, at restaurants, my first thought isn't a jealous one, it's "will she lose her baby?" Statistically speaking, other babies will die. I wonder if that woman will turn up in my support group. I don't wish harm to any of them. I'm just aware now, aware that babies die - whether it be a cord accident, a genetic issue, a virus that the mother has passed on, the mother & unborn baby being involved in an accident or an unknown cause.

I can be around pregnant women, but I have to be able to have some control of the situation. We have several friends who are pregnant, I can chat with the women about their pregnancy. I ask the questions & they reply. Sometimes I bring up Sara, as in, "Sara measured X at Y weeks, while Ethan was Z." I think any woman who has been pregnant would do the same. I don't want to frighten our friends talking about losing Sara, but if it makes them be more aware, ask their doctor more questions, it's worth any moments of uncomfortableness.

I'm trying to start Ethan on a daily routine. Usually I let him sleep in his swing or bouncer, but today, he was put in his crib for his mid-morning nap. So far he's slept for 45 minutes, but it sounds like he'll be waking up soon.

I've included a picture of Ethan in his Santa suit, you shouldn't be denied such cuteness.


Monica H said...

He IS so cure. Thanks for not denying me :)

And I think jealousy is a normal thing, I know I'm jealous all the time, not just with women who are pregnant, but with women who have what I should have had. I won't go into details here, but I feel your pain and sadness. Never stop talking about Sara.

Monica said...

I too talk about Jimmy that way with pregnant women. One reason is because I like to talk about him. Another is because I don't want them to forget I had a baby before Andy.

Lori said...

I brought up this same issue in one of our support group meetings with Worth. I talked about how our innocence has been stripped away from us and, like you, feel that I will never have that back. I think it is VERY important to keep talking about Sara. She is just as special as Ethan is.

Heidi said...

I am right there with the loss of ignorant bliss. I convince myself every two weeks that something has happened with my little boy (now that we know). I loved being pregnant with Justin and Lucas, and I thought I'd enjoy being pregnant again, but it is harder to enjoy after a loss. I want to fast forward to the end of the pregnancy so I can have my baby without all the worry. When I go to the doctor and I see someone in the elevator with me not quite happy, I wonder "has she joined the 'club'?" This happened just the other day. Of course, it could just be the yuckiness most women feel about going in for their annual checkups, but my mind instantly turns to loss now instead.
Someone asked me the other day if I was just going to have two kids. I told her "No, three." She knows about Lucas, so I think she understood what I meant.

Kristi said...

Thanks for the comments & validation. I won't stop talking about Sara, but the situation/relationship with the other woman, determines how much I'm willing to share.

And yes Monica I was a wee bit jealous of the attention Andy was getting in his Santa suit, so I had to post Ethan's picture too. I'm a brat!: P