Friday, January 4, 2008
Jealousy & Other Feelings
Earlier this week, Monica & I got together to discuss motherhood after a loss. We brought up feelings of jealousy towards pregnant women. I have strong feelings of jealousy and sadness if I talk to the woman or overhear her, especially if she's complaining about petty stuff. No matter how many times I am pregnant, I won't be able to completely enjoy another pregnancy like I did with Sara. I was nervous with Ethan, I could enjoy moments - when he was kicking, hearing his heartbeat, watching him on the monitor at an ultrasound, but for the most part there was an underlying nervousness all the time. I'm jealous that I lost my innocence when I lost Sara.
But when I see pregnant women out shopping, at restaurants, my first thought isn't a jealous one, it's "will she lose her baby?" Statistically speaking, other babies will die. I wonder if that woman will turn up in my support group. I don't wish harm to any of them. I'm just aware now, aware that babies die - whether it be a cord accident, a genetic issue, a virus that the mother has passed on, the mother & unborn baby being involved in an accident or an unknown cause.
I can be around pregnant women, but I have to be able to have some control of the situation. We have several friends who are pregnant, I can chat with the women about their pregnancy. I ask the questions & they reply. Sometimes I bring up Sara, as in, "Sara measured X at Y weeks, while Ethan was Z." I think any woman who has been pregnant would do the same. I don't want to frighten our friends talking about losing Sara, but if it makes them be more aware, ask their doctor more questions, it's worth any moments of uncomfortableness.
I'm trying to start Ethan on a daily routine. Usually I let him sleep in his swing or bouncer, but today, he was put in his crib for his mid-morning nap. So far he's slept for 45 minutes, but it sounds like he'll be waking up soon.
I've included a picture of Ethan in his Santa suit, you shouldn't be denied such cuteness.