Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Mixed Emotions

Like I started in my last post, these next few weeks are full of mixed emotions. The things I'm looking forward to, I'm also dreading.

Tomorrow is my dr's appt. I completed the new patient forms. I wrote a few sentences about losing Sara. There was a grid to complete with the birth info of my living children. I put Ethan's info in the column for the 2nd child. OK so I'm not exactly looking forward to the dr's appt, but it has to be done at some point. I'm feeling anxious about it. I haven't had one of those horrible raw-pain kind of days in quite a while. I can feel it building though, especially with Sara's day coming up quickly. I'm afraid that going to the dr's office is going to be like pulling off the scab. I'm almost sure it will upset me to talk about her. I'm preparing myself for the worst, hoping for the best.

After the appt., we'll be running some errands, picking up stuff for Ethan's party. I am looking forward to that, but it makes me a little sad that I'll never throw a princess party for Sara. Please don't suggest that I can buy the glittery pink decorations for her birthday. I'm not comfortable with that. I can decorate pink cupcakes, release balloons, make public memorials for her, but I can't buy decorations for a little girl's birthday party.

So we're just over a week away from Sara's day. I plan to bake cupcakes to share with family & release balloons. I'm looking forward to just think about her, to take time out of our schedules and focus on Sara Elizabeth. I know it will be sad. Just having Ethan makes it a little more bittersweet. I know now what we lost, not just a baby, but all of the experiences we've had with Ethan already.

Ethan also brings us so much joy. He cutting more teeth and we haven't slept well this week. But no matter how fussy and grumpy any of us are, I wouldn't trade him for the world.

This morning DH & I met a couple who had 5 children including a set of twins. We mentioned that we have an 11 month old son. The wife asked if we plan to have more. I said no. Right away, she asked, "Why not?" I'm sure she had her arguments ready, they had 5 children, everyone should have a herd of children. I answered, "We lost our first daughter, I can't go through that (meaning the nerve-wracking pregnancy) again." The room was silent. In a mean way, it felt good. The wife was kinda a bitch, little snide comments here & there. She asked, she just wasn't prepared for the answer.


Monica H said...

I don't think anyone would suggest you buying pink princess birthday decorations. I think making her cupcakes, releasing balloons, and making public memorials for her is HUGE. You're doing what you can when you can and that's all you can ask for.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow at your appointment. I hope it goes smoothly,(and painless).

I'm glad you said something to that woman. Not everyone has to have a flock of children. It's none of her business why don't plan to have more children.

Ya Chun said...

Way to tell that biatch where to shove her nosy, condescending stupidity!

And, besides, you already have two that not enough reproduction for one woman to undergo?

Lori said...

I, too, am glad you said something. Would have loved to see the look on her face.

And I think what you have planned is perfect. Memorable and perfect