Sara's tree

Last year i couldn't bring myself to decorate the Christmas tree. But then a friend from our grief group gave us an ornament that touched me. It's a ceramic disk with a picture of an angel singing painted on it. On the back is Sara's name & her birth information. It was such a sweet gesture. So I decided that this year I wanted to decorate a tree just for Sara. I sent a note to our parents, siblings, & a few other close family members, inviting them to share an ornament that represented Sara's spirit. ( That was hard to word, I wanted to be sure that no one gave us a "Baby's 2nd Christmas" ornament, but I couldn't come out & say that unless asked.) We received several ornaments over Thanksgiving - angels, hearts, butterflies, a snowflake (because snowflakes last only a moment but touch your soul forever.) doves, a cross, perfect ornaments to honor Sara.

Thanksgiving Recap

Tuesday, I was emotional (see previous post), but I was going to run some errands & take care of things before heading out of town Wednesday. I was going to a fast food restaurant drive-thru for a quick lunch. As I drove through the parking lot, a woman backed into me. I saw it coming, blew my horn at her, but yet she hit my vehicle. My 1st thought of course was Ethan, was he OK? He was, he slept through it. She hit both the front & rear passenger doors, Ethan was on the drivers side (and will be moved to the center from now on.) I totally freaked out. I was angry at this woman for scaring the hell out of me, for adding more stress to the holidays, but I was able to remain calm enough to not touch her. Wednesday we dropped off my vehicle to be repaired & then went to get a rental - there were 3 to choose from, thankfully 1 was the size we needed to travel with lots of baby gear in the cold & rain - no open truck beds for storage!

Ethan did well for his first road trip, slept most of the time. I only had to breast-feed him in parking lots twice. He got to meet Santa on Friday morning. No I wasn't crazy,taking him to the mall on Black Friday. DH's grandfather has connections & Santa stopped by to see all of the great-grandchildren at their house.

We ate too much.

As much as I love all of our nieces & nephews, being stuck in the house with them (due to the cold & rain)was stressful. Sweethearts one minute, little heathens the next. DH had the pleasure of giving our 4 y.o. nephew a bath. During the bath, he asked DH what kinds toys he had when he was little. DH mentioned St.ar Wa.rs & Super.man. The next day, another relative asked our nephew what he wanted for Christmas - Sta.r Wa.rs & Super.man. DH is adored by this nephew. I think the feeling is mutual when he's not being a heathen.

We received several ornaments for Sara's tree. I hope to finish decorating her tree today, will post pix later.

Missing Sara

Yesterday, I went to the store to buy a 3 foot Christmas tree just for Sara. It will be in our living room & all of the ornaments will be for Sara. I enjoyed my time in the store - all the pretty ornaments, the cute snowmen & Santas, the sparkly gift wrap. I looked at a few ornaments, but didn't buy anymore, not until I hang the ones we have. If it needs more, I'll buy more. Plus I forgot lights.
When I got home & removed the tree from its box, I was suddenly sad. I didn't want a damn tree, I want Sara. I felt good, doing something to remember Sara and at the same time so sad.

Early this morning, I had a dream about Sara, I don't often dream about her, at least not that I recall. So I cherish the ones I do remember. In this dream Sara was still the size she was at birth and Ethan was his current size, so he was huge compared to little Sara. But for a moment I could 'see' both of my babies. I felt so happy and at peace seeing Sara & Ethan together. But then I also felt sad, my dreams can't come true, Sara's never coming back.

You are what you eat

A few nights ago, DH & I had pumpkin - veggie soup for dinner followed by pumpkin smoothies (YUM!). In the last 2 years we've tried changing the way we eat - just more aware of fat, calories, less fast food, more exercise.

Growing up, neither of our families would have had pumpkin soup for dinner, much less pumpkin smoothies. But we try to expand our food options and to expose Ethan to lots of fresh fruits & veggies. We plan to make our own baby foods. I can't wait to see Ethan's reaction to avocado & sweet potato (separately of course).

DH & I have returned to Weig.ht Wat.chers. We have about the same amount of weight to lose. It'll be interesting to see how we do - with me breast-feeding & him having the option of more exercise, (nothing strenuous for me.) Is it wrong that we weighed Ethan at We.ight Wat.chers?? I'm sure it wasn't 100% accurate, DH had to support him. Next time I'll weigh Ethan on the produce scale at the grocery store.

How Could She?

Friday evening, my friend M. came over to meet Ethan. I've been friends with M. since Jr. High, over 20 years. (Ugh, I feel really old, seeing that.) In the past few years, M. has become very busy with her family & job, so we don't get together often, although we live 20 minutes away from each other.

She asked about Ethan's birth, b/c I had only given her the highlights when we talked on the phone. M. has 1 son & had him by C-section, so we compared C-section stories. At one point though she said something about "first-time deliveries". It made me catch my breath, Ethan is not my first delivery, how could she forget? (DH heard her say it too, she implied that this was our first time, like her first & only time in a delivery room.) She caught herself quickly & moved on to a different topic. I didn't call her out, but I made it a point to mention Sara then, comparing the 2 labors & deliveries.

It hurt. I know she didn't mean to hurt me, it was just a slip of the tongue. She was caught up in her son's birth story & it just came out. But it did hurt. It hurt that for even a split second, one of my oldest friends forgot that I had been pregnant before, that I had delivered a beautiful daughter who had died.

Halloween

Last year, Halloween was awful. I had been looking forward to taking Sara to a pumpkin patch for pictures, the start of the holidays, etc...Instead I cried most of the day. DH & I went out for dinner & hid in the house, avoiding the fairies & superheroes that ran around our neighborhood.

This year, we took Ethan to a pumpkin patch a few weeks ago. I dressed him in his Halloween onesie. He slept through the trick-or-treaters. There were some cute little at our door. I couldn't help but wonder what I would have dressed Sara up as when I saw the little princesses & ladybugs. Ethan was sleeping in the living room - he couldn't be seen from the door. But one little girl must have seen all the baby stuff behind me. She said, " Oh, you have a baby. Can I see him?" I explained that he was sleeping, gave her some candy & she was happy.
Another tiny little girl, maybe 18 months, said to me, "You pretty." Yeah, I felt gorgeous in my gray t-shirt & khaki shorts with little breastmilk stains on them. She deserved more candy!!
We were out of candy soon after 8pm. It probably would have lasted longer if I hadn't been sampling all the Peeps. But we were tired & wanted to get some sleep.

I meant to post this with my story about Lisa, our nurse from last year. We had shared Sara's story with our day nurse this year. When it came time for me to get the epidural, she said, "Remember how this is done?" I told her flat out, "No." I remember being taken to a delivery room & being hooked up to monitors & IVs , but as far as the method, no I don't remember. My world was crashing down, I don't remember the position I sat in to get an epidural. She asked that several times as we waited for labor to progress & each time I said No. She won't be getting a thank you note from us for her care.