I'm sick

I have cedar fever. I guess if you're allergic to cedar pollen, you shouldn't live near Cedar Park. For the past few days, my allergies would kick in, I'd take some meds & I'd make it throught the day without any problem. Last night we went out for dinner. I had started coughing earlier in the day & continued to take my allergy meds. I hacked through the meal, I could barely taste anything. At home we watched a movie & I blew my nose the entire time. I had a tissue mountain by the end of the movie. I didn't sleep well, Ethan was up twice. When we got up for the day around 7:30, I was still hacking & achy. I went into work for a few hours but left after lunch, I was so miserable. I had a fever of 100.4. Ethan's fine. I took his temp, yes, rectally. I was so glad he cooperated for that.

I'm trying to get some rest, not exactly easy when Ethan depends on me. DH may work from home tomorrow to help out.

BTW, the movie we watched - " Six Pack" with Kenny Rogers, a young Diane Lane and an even younger Anthony Michael Hall. Classic!!

Edited to add: I spoke too soon. Ethan is so congested. Last night he went to bed at 10:30, woke up screaming at 12, 1:15, 2:30, 3:45. At 3:45, I brought his swing into the nursery so he could sleep upright. I slept on the the guest bed in the nursery. At 6 he woke up again. DH took over then. We read about saline drops, squirted those up his noe & fed him. He & I slept for 3 hours. It's gonna be a long day.

These are a Few of My Favorites Things

and least favorite too....

By Ethan James

I love watching bubbles on my bouncer. They are so cool.

I love watching football with my Daddy. Especially the Aggies beating the Longhorns & the Sooners winning the Big 12. I missed watching the OU/Texas game by a few days- how did it end again Andy??

I love laughing. I laugh at anything. Sometimes I laugh at my Mommy's boob. I wonder if I'm giving her a complex.

I love going fast in the car, I hate stop & go traffic.

I love warm bathes, but hate getting my funky neck scrubbed.

I love listening to my Daddy play guitar. So soothing. He's a rock star. FREE BIRD!!

I love that my angel sister Sara is a part of our life.

I like to be fussy while my Mommy & Daddy watch TV. I'm supposed to be the center of attention!

Speaking of, I love controlling their lives. If I have a bad day, they have a bad day. If I'm awake, one of them should be awake too.

I don't like naps.

Back in college, a good friend of mine got pregnant & so married her boyfriend. 10 years later, they're still together and have 2 children.

The situation inspired me to write a short story about a young couple in college, the girl gets pregnant, they get married but they lose the baby. What would happen to their relationship without the baby? I never actually wrote the story, it's been rolling around in my head for these 10 years. One thing that kept me from writing it was how could the baby die? One of my aunts lost a baby at full term, but that was in the early 70's, surely there were advances in medicine since then to prevent babies from dying. Back in college I didn't know anyone else who lost a baby. I was aware of miscarriages in the first few weeks, but for my story to work, the baby had to be carried for full term.

Sadly now I know too many ways for a baby to die. I find new blogs every few days, written by grieving parents trying to find their way. My heart aches for every baby that dies, for the parents feeling so lost, so isolated, so heartbroken.

I can't write that story now. I'm in a different place now and the story would have a different feel. I couldn't 'wish' a stillbirth on anyone, even fictional characters.

Lucky

I keep forgetting to mention this little story. At Thanksgiving, my 4 y. o. nephew said, " You're lucky to have another baby." That kid makes me smile with his wisdom. I don't know if he overheard someone saying that or if he came up with it on his own. He 'knows' we lost Sara, as much as a 4 y. o. knows these things. His mother was pregnant while I was with Sara, although 3.5 months ahead of me. They talked to him when Sara died, explaining that she was in Heaven. My sister said that he often mentions "the baby that died". They have a small picture of Sara in their living room. That makes me so proud - proud of them for displaying it & just a proud mother seeing my beautiful daughter.

I did it!!

Last night we were out & about and so decided to go out to dinner. Ethan was sucking on his hands & I knew that he hadn't eaten for over 2 hours. Could I do it? Could I breast feed in public? We were in a back booth. I draped a receiving blanket over my shoulder, covering Ethan & my boob. My jacket covered everything else. Ethan latched right on, nursed for a few minutes. I don't think anyone even noticed. That was my biggest fear regarding breast feeding in public - what if I was confronted by someone saying "You can't do that here."?? I didn't want to get kicked out of my favorite Mexican restaurant. But all went well.

I mentioned that I'm working more than I'd like to. I shouldn't complain about the number of hours, it's only about 15 hours a week. I've been an assistant to a mortgage lender for the past 2.5 years. I take Ethan with me and that gets tough. He needs my attention - diapers, feedings, soothing him to sleep. So it takes me twice as long to finish my work. Some days as it gets close to the end of the work day, Ethan gets cranky. Then I have to chose - put him down for a nap and work later or finish any projects that need to be done that day & listen to him cry, then leave & put him down for a nap at home. He doesn't sleep well there - too many distractions - dogs in the house, phone ringing constantly,etc...He only sleeps for 30 minutes at a time vs. 1hour+ at home. Then DH & I suffer at night.

So how do I resolve this problem?? By running away. DH & I have been talking about moving closer to his office across town. If & when we do, I would no longer work as an assistant - not worth the pay to drive across town. I've been looking into other things I could do from home - there's options. Eventually we'll put Ethan in daycare & I'll return to a full-time job.

Happy Birthday Boys!!

Today is DH's 33rd birthday & Ethan is 3 months old. Yes, we chose Ethan & DH to share a birthdate - the 11th. Ethan & I share our birth month - October.

Ethan is getting so big, he's discovering his toes & smiles more.

The other day, we all went to the office supply store. On the way, Ethan got really fussy. While DH went in the store, I stayed in the car to feed Ethan. I made a bet with Ethan - that DH would ask if he could buy some new computer software. If he didn't ask, Ethan would win & could have 2 blow-out diapersin 24 hours without me complaining, if he asked I would win & Ethan couldn't have any blow-outs in 24 hours. I lost, DH didn't even mention software, Ethan had 2 blow-outs the next day. I'm not making that bet again.

I've been working more than I'd like to, Ethan doesn't sleep well there & then DH & I suffer b/c Ethan wails when he's so tired. More about that next time, I need to go do dishes & get ready for work.

Jealousy & Other Feelings

Earlier this week, Monica & I got together to discuss motherhood after a loss. We brought up feelings of jealousy towards pregnant women. I have strong feelings of jealousy and sadness if I talk to the woman or overhear her, especially if she's complaining about petty stuff. No matter how many times I am pregnant, I won't be able to completely enjoy another pregnancy like I did with Sara. I was nervous with Ethan, I could enjoy moments - when he was kicking, hearing his heartbeat, watching him on the monitor at an ultrasound, but for the most part there was an underlying nervousness all the time. I'm jealous that I lost my innocence when I lost Sara.

But when I see pregnant women out shopping, at restaurants, my first thought isn't a jealous one, it's "will she lose her baby?" Statistically speaking, other babies will die. I wonder if that woman will turn up in my support group. I don't wish harm to any of them. I'm just aware now, aware that babies die - whether it be a cord accident, a genetic issue, a virus that the mother has passed on, the mother & unborn baby being involved in an accident or an unknown cause.

I can be around pregnant women, but I have to be able to have some control of the situation. We have several friends who are pregnant, I can chat with the women about their pregnancy. I ask the questions & they reply. Sometimes I bring up Sara, as in, "Sara measured X at Y weeks, while Ethan was Z." I think any woman who has been pregnant would do the same. I don't want to frighten our friends talking about losing Sara, but if it makes them be more aware, ask their doctor more questions, it's worth any moments of uncomfortableness.

I'm trying to start Ethan on a daily routine. Usually I let him sleep in his swing or bouncer, but today, he was put in his crib for his mid-morning nap. So far he's slept for 45 minutes, but it sounds like he'll be waking up soon.

I've included a picture of Ethan in his Santa suit, you shouldn't be denied such cuteness.