Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween!

The "face" is in the wood grain of our fence.

Thursday, October 30, 2008


Monica & Ya Chun tagged me -

1. Where is your cell phone? In my purse
2. Where is your significant other? Working in his office
3. Your hair color? Brown
4. Your mother? Awkward relationship
5. Your father? Adore him
6. Your favorite thing? Baking
7. Your dream last night? Don't remember.
8. Your dream/goal? To raise an amazing son.
9. The room you're in? Study
10. Your hobby? pastime? baking/crafts
11. Your fear? Another loss
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Here is good.
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. What you're not? Pregnant (in a good way.)
15. One of your wish list items? Update the kitchen
16. Where you grew up? Texas
17. The last thing you did? Ran errands
18. What are you wearing? Sweatpants & T-shirt
19. Your T.V.? Off
20. Your pet? Sleeping.
21. Your computer? An outlet
22. Your mood? Upbeat
23. Missing someone? Always
24. Your car? Clean
25. Something you're not wearing? a hat
26. Favorite store? My local ACE
27. Your Summer? fun
28. Love someone? Of course.
29. Your favorite color? green
30. When is the last time you laughed? Earlier today- at Ethan
31. Last time you cried? Last night

Well, it looks like everyone I can think of has been tagged.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


I like Halloween and fall in general. I like the Harvest/Fall festivals with baked goods & hand-made crafts for sale. We enjoyed pumpkin smoothies last night. As an adult, I prefer funny & clever costumes to scary ones.

A few weeks ago, DH & I went to a big craft store. They had Halloween decorations for sale. One of the decorations was a 'zombie' holding a head. That just doesn't sit well with me. I don't want headstones decorating my yard or skeltons sitting around. It brings me back to my dead baby and I don't want to think of her in those terms - creepy, scary, frightening.

She was a beautiful baby, so serene and peaceful. But I'll always be haunted by that day, the nightmare of a day when we lost our precious Sara.

Ethan's not dressing up this year. I borrowed a costume from my sister, my nephew was Bam-Bam from the Flintstones when he was 1.5 years old. Ethan didn't like it, he just liked to pet it, like a cat.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Random Thoughts

Yay! I finished my on-line training. I've been feeling so overwhelmed since Ethan's birthday. I was supposed to start this training on the 6th, didn't start until the 13th. But I'm done with that. I need to come up with some more questions for my class's next exam and I have to keep up with the grading. I admire teachers who work full-time and have families. I'm going crazy trying to have 1 class and a 1 year old at home. Hopefully I'll be less bitchy now, with one less item on my plate.

We finally got serious about weaning Ethan. DH has been putting Ethan to bed for several nights, but I would still nurse him during the day. We started giving him whole milk right before his birthday. So Saturday night, DH put him to bed. Ethan woke up around 3am and basically screamed/cried until after 4. We were all up. He woke up again around 7 am. We were exhausted and frustrated. I gave in because I needed sleep. But that's been it. Ethan will actually take a bottle from me or just let me rock him. I still pump a bit, just to relieve pressure. Hopefully in a few days, it'll be over. It's been emotional. I've been breast-feeding from day one and here he is 1 year, 10 days+ old.

DH & I watch The Biggest Loser. The elimination round always frustrates me, you'd think they were being sent to the gas chamber, they get so emotional. Two weeks ago, one of the husbands, Ed, was sent home. The next week his wife, Heba, kept saying,"I lost my husband last week." No, Heba Filter, you didn't LOSE your husband. He's at home, eating carrots and drinking lots of water and trying to lose weight. I hope you're voted off next week.

OK, time for bed. BTW, it's my 101st post.

Saturday, October 18, 2008


DH's aunt made this wonderful wall hanging for us. It reads, " A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam, And for a brief moment its glory & beauty belong to our world. And though we wished it could have stayed, We feel so lucky to have seen it."

A few weeks ago I bought some metal butterflies to hang in the guest bedroom. Friday I bought two blue beaded butterflies to hang on our family Christmas tree. (There will be several other butterflies on Sara's tree.)

A few days ago, I learned of another young couple who live nearby, friends of B's, who lost their 3 year old son. My heart breaks for them. He was very sick, but saying good-bye is always hard.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Happy Birthday Ethan!!

On Saturday we invited family & friends over to celebrate Ethan's 1st birthday. It was a beautiful day. He had fun playing with his cupcake. He had icing all over his face & arms; I had to give him a quick shower & change clothes before we could open his mountain of gifts.

I had light a pink candle for Sara, it was burning in the kitchen throughout the party. DH & I commented later on seeing butterflies flying around the backyard.

If I don't post for a few days, don't worry. I'm feeling overwhelmed by my class right now. I have to come up with an exam, homework assignments and do some on-line training of my own. The hard part is doing all of this while Ethan naps or at least plays by himself.

Have a good week!

Sunday, October 5, 2008


Thinking of my friend B. How very quickly the past two years have gone by. How our lives have changed. I know our baby girls are together, watching over us and their new siblings. Love you!!

I should be in bed but I don't know where to go.
DH & I have both been feeling icky this week, sore throats. I feel fine now. This morning we brought flowers to church in honor of Sara (B also brought flowers in honor of her daughter). Roughly 30 minutes into the service I could tell DH wasn't feeling well. So I suggested we leave. We picked up some medicine on the drive home and he's been resting most of the day. He had a fever, achy, etc... Ethan wanted to play with his Daddy so much, but we didn't want him to get sick.

I told DH that I would sleep in the guest bedroom, closer to Ethan's room and our bed is already full of cooties. But now I don't want to. There's no TV in the guest bedroom nor adequate light for reading. Maybe I'll sleep on the couch.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Oct 2 Recap

I received many cards, emails and phone calls and for those, I am thankful.

While Ethan took his morning nap, DH & I went through Sara's things. That was the hardest part of the day. Touching things she touched, her blanket, the snips of her hair, the untouched photos of our precious daughter. She existed!!

For lunch we picked up sandwiches, packed food for Ethan and went to a park for a picnic. It was a beautiful day, we saw several butterflies. It was very peaceful.

That evening we went to my parents' house for dinner & pink cupcakes. We released balloons at sunset. At one point, the balloons formed a 'S'. They were too far away to get a decent picture.

During dinner my 5 y.o. nephew said, "Tonight is sad." He also said, "There are two birthdays today." I'm sure he's just repeating things his parents said, I don't want to upset him by questioning him. I hope we'll continue this tradition for my nephews, my parents, Ethan, for DH & me.

I received several emails from family & friends thanking me for the seeds and to say they were thinking of Sara & me, DH & Ethan. I thanked them for thinking of Sara. That's what this is all about isn't it??

One friend said that her 4 y.o. daughter planted the seeds and said, "These seeds are special." Why? "I don't know, they're just special." Yes, Sweetie, they are special.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

For Monica and her grandmother.