So many babies have been aanounced recently in my life: my dear friend Monica due in September, my friend & former roommate is due in October, my cousin is pregnant with twins! Probably due in November, DH's college friend and his girlfriend are expecting also in October. I am happy for each of them, thinking positive thoughts.
Last year, I learned of a local couple who lost their daughter due to SIDS. I sent a card and when I visit her business, I ask how she's doing. I offer to meet for coffee, to talk, but she doesn't take me up on the offer. I knew the anniversary of her daughter's death was coming up. I couldn't remember the exact date, even checked the local paper for obituary records. I knew it was in the spring but Easter moving around threw me off. I've been needing to stop by her shop, but wanted to have time to talk with her, not just rushing in & out. So finally, I decided to stop by on my lunch hour on Friday. I had written a short note, just to let her know that I was thinking of her and her daughter. When I drove up, there was a sign on the door that she would be closed on Monday. Monday is the anniversary. She told me that she and her 4 y.o. Son will spend the day together. He misses his sister. Please think of this family as they mourn the loss of their precious daughter.
Last summer Ethan & I went to a water park along with B, her daughter D, and my sister and her older son. Thursday morning out of the blue, Ethan said, "remember when we went swimming with D?". DH & I were surprised that he even remembered going, no idea what made him think of it.
Later I was emailing B and mentioned Ethan's comment. She said thAt was too weird. That same morning, her daughter said, "remember when Ethan rode in the car with me?". (B had driven all of us to the water park.) Ethan & D were 2 - 2.5 y.o. At the time! I am amazed by their memories.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Thoughts...
A few weeks ago, we went to church. I often use church as a time to mediate/pray, I don't always focus on the sermon. So I missed the first part of our pastor's story. When he was in seminary, he spent 12 weeks as a chaplain at a hospital. The first week and the last week that he was there, he counseled families who lost an infant. He felt unprepared to help those families. He asked why? why him? His classmates didn't go through that situation.
Now in the 20 years that he has been at our church, he has given 3 funerals for infants and 2 memorials for stillbirths. Those 2 infants from his seminary years helped prepare him for other losses.
I started crying, I just wasn't expecting my Sara and the other babies I know to be mentioned in the sermon. I think I also cried, thinking 5 babies in 20 years doesn't sound like many. But 3 of those were in the last 4 years. One of the babies died when I was in my late teens/early 20s. The mother reached out to me after Sara died. Sadly I don't know who the fifth baby is. I haven't attended this church regularly, except for when I visited my family, since '94. I keep forgetting to ask my family about this baby.
While I cried softly, the woman in front of me turned around and squeezed my knee, asking if I was OK. She works with my friend B, B who lost her daughter - the 2nd stillbirth. It was a very sweet gesture.
I'm been thinking about how our blogs and the Internet in general change the way we grieve, we can grieve more publicly. I think of past generations who were encouraged to just forget the baby who died or just never speak of him or her again and to move on. Now we write about the process, those first days, weeks of raw pain to months and years later, how that baby continues to touch our lives. Recently I learn of a couple who lost their 4-month old daughter. I assume SIDS. The baby was at the babysitter's and she stopped breathing. The mother had a blog, writing about her daughter prior to her death. She has been writing now, getting 100's - 1000's of replies. I've read a few of the replies, most coming from mothers, not necessarily dead-baby mamas. I can relate to the sudden loss and trying to figure out where you fit in the world. Before the Internet, I would never have even heard of this family and their loss, now I could follow their story - are they in need of help? (it sounds like they have a good support system.)
**Warning - tasteless comments ahead.**
A few weeks ago, an old college friend found me on facebook. He is a stay-at-home-dad to his 2.5 y.o daughter. We talk about potty training and brief overview of what we've been doing for the last 10 years. I hadn't told him about Sara, just waiting for the right time. He mentioned that his wife worked at a children's hospital. I asked if she was a doctor. He replied back that she was a "pediatric pathologist - a cutter-upper-of-dead babies.". I was just shocked that he wrote that. He's 35, not 16, making juvenile jokes. I was offended. I think I would have been offended even if I hadn't lost Sara.
I wrote back "please do not ever refer to your wife's job in that way again. In Oct 2006, we lost our first child, Sara was stillborn at full-term due to a cord accident. Since then I have met too many families who have lost children. I found your reference to be tasteless. She plays an important role, helping these families find answers, it's not a joke."
I hope he feels completely awful, as he should.
Now in the 20 years that he has been at our church, he has given 3 funerals for infants and 2 memorials for stillbirths. Those 2 infants from his seminary years helped prepare him for other losses.
I started crying, I just wasn't expecting my Sara and the other babies I know to be mentioned in the sermon. I think I also cried, thinking 5 babies in 20 years doesn't sound like many. But 3 of those were in the last 4 years. One of the babies died when I was in my late teens/early 20s. The mother reached out to me after Sara died. Sadly I don't know who the fifth baby is. I haven't attended this church regularly, except for when I visited my family, since '94. I keep forgetting to ask my family about this baby.
While I cried softly, the woman in front of me turned around and squeezed my knee, asking if I was OK. She works with my friend B, B who lost her daughter - the 2nd stillbirth. It was a very sweet gesture.
I'm been thinking about how our blogs and the Internet in general change the way we grieve, we can grieve more publicly. I think of past generations who were encouraged to just forget the baby who died or just never speak of him or her again and to move on. Now we write about the process, those first days, weeks of raw pain to months and years later, how that baby continues to touch our lives. Recently I learn of a couple who lost their 4-month old daughter. I assume SIDS. The baby was at the babysitter's and she stopped breathing. The mother had a blog, writing about her daughter prior to her death. She has been writing now, getting 100's - 1000's of replies. I've read a few of the replies, most coming from mothers, not necessarily dead-baby mamas. I can relate to the sudden loss and trying to figure out where you fit in the world. Before the Internet, I would never have even heard of this family and their loss, now I could follow their story - are they in need of help? (it sounds like they have a good support system.)
**Warning - tasteless comments ahead.**
A few weeks ago, an old college friend found me on facebook. He is a stay-at-home-dad to his 2.5 y.o daughter. We talk about potty training and brief overview of what we've been doing for the last 10 years. I hadn't told him about Sara, just waiting for the right time. He mentioned that his wife worked at a children's hospital. I asked if she was a doctor. He replied back that she was a "pediatric pathologist - a cutter-upper-of-dead babies.". I was just shocked that he wrote that. He's 35, not 16, making juvenile jokes. I was offended. I think I would have been offended even if I hadn't lost Sara.
I wrote back "please do not ever refer to your wife's job in that way again. In Oct 2006, we lost our first child, Sara was stillborn at full-term due to a cord accident. Since then I have met too many families who have lost children. I found your reference to be tasteless. She plays an important role, helping these families find answers, it's not a joke."
I hope he feels completely awful, as he should.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
More aloha...
The other night I was talking to a follower blogger and we agreed that some days we just have nothing write about or we have second thoughts about sharing things. But I do have something to share. Four years ago this week, DH and I went to Hawaii, an amazing trip that helped heal us. Just four months after losing our Sara, our beautiful son was conceived there. Now we are going back. By the time I actually post this, we'll either be there or be back.
This time, it's a very different trip. Ethan is going with us as well as 3 other people - a couple who have been to Hawaii several times and a singleton who hasn't been. The 2 guys are DH's college buddies, they were groomsmen in our wedding. We'll do some of the same things again, try some new things. We are so excited.
I will bring a picture of Sara, as I did four years ago. Hawaii always makes me think of my beautiful Sara.
1/24. We're in Hawaii. : ). I was looking through a cabinet full of games, puzzles and books and found a book I left here. Four years ago, late in my pregnancy, I started reading "Little Earthquakes" by Jennifer Weiner. It's about a woman who lost a child due to SIDS, she ran away from her husband, and ended up befriending a group of women each dealing with issues relating to motherhood and/or trying to have it all, etc... I was enjoying it until Sara died. I bought it along to Hawaii and left it here after reading it. Just seeing the cover, brought me back to our first trip, I could see myself laying in bed, reading the book and crying, thinking about my Sara. I'm tempted to bring it back with me, but probably won't.
Soon after finding the book, I told DH about it, how it brought those raw emotions. A few minutes after that, a huge butterfly flew by. I know Sara, you are always with us, everywhere.
This time, it's a very different trip. Ethan is going with us as well as 3 other people - a couple who have been to Hawaii several times and a singleton who hasn't been. The 2 guys are DH's college buddies, they were groomsmen in our wedding. We'll do some of the same things again, try some new things. We are so excited.
I will bring a picture of Sara, as I did four years ago. Hawaii always makes me think of my beautiful Sara.
1/24. We're in Hawaii. : ). I was looking through a cabinet full of games, puzzles and books and found a book I left here. Four years ago, late in my pregnancy, I started reading "Little Earthquakes" by Jennifer Weiner. It's about a woman who lost a child due to SIDS, she ran away from her husband, and ended up befriending a group of women each dealing with issues relating to motherhood and/or trying to have it all, etc... I was enjoying it until Sara died. I bought it along to Hawaii and left it here after reading it. Just seeing the cover, brought me back to our first trip, I could see myself laying in bed, reading the book and crying, thinking about my Sara. I'm tempted to bring it back with me, but probably won't.
Soon after finding the book, I told DH about it, how it brought those raw emotions. A few minutes after that, a huge butterfly flew by. I know Sara, you are always with us, everywhere.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Christ.m@s c@rds
Most of us probably chose cards that represent us at that moment. Do we want a traditional image? comical? A photo of the family? Since losing Sara, I am more aware of my recipients. What are they feeling this holiday season?
The first Christmas after losing Sara, I choose a serene angel with a simple quote inside. I don't have any left, but I remember thinking that they were appropriate coming from grieving parents. The following year, I made cards. The cover said "JOY" with Ethan's picture in the "O". Since then, I have used pictures of Ethan for our cards.
I try to send a different card to friends and family members who may be hurting during the holidays. My best friend lost her step-father at the end of September. I wanted to send a Thanksgiving card but couldn't find one with an appropriate sentiment. So I ended up sending a Thinking of You card. Last year I wanted to send a few Christmas cards to families who had a loss during the year. I went to the local H@llm@rk store and looked over the individual cards. Everything was cheerful, not appropriate. Even the blank cards didn't have appropriate images. I found at least 3 cards appropriate for a niece and her significant other, nothing that seemed appropriate to send a loved one who was hurting at Christmas, struggling with being a part of Christmas, but don't want to be overlooked either.
I finally found a small 6 pack of cards with an angel and a lamb. The sentiment wasn't exactly what I was looking for, but close enough. I hope other stores carry appropriate cards, maybe just my location didn't carry a good selection. I'll be ending over to the card shop in a few days, hoping I can find a card that fits the situation.
The first Christmas after losing Sara, I choose a serene angel with a simple quote inside. I don't have any left, but I remember thinking that they were appropriate coming from grieving parents. The following year, I made cards. The cover said "JOY" with Ethan's picture in the "O". Since then, I have used pictures of Ethan for our cards.
I try to send a different card to friends and family members who may be hurting during the holidays. My best friend lost her step-father at the end of September. I wanted to send a Thanksgiving card but couldn't find one with an appropriate sentiment. So I ended up sending a Thinking of You card. Last year I wanted to send a few Christmas cards to families who had a loss during the year. I went to the local H@llm@rk store and looked over the individual cards. Everything was cheerful, not appropriate. Even the blank cards didn't have appropriate images. I found at least 3 cards appropriate for a niece and her significant other, nothing that seemed appropriate to send a loved one who was hurting at Christmas, struggling with being a part of Christmas, but don't want to be overlooked either.
I finally found a small 6 pack of cards with an angel and a lamb. The sentiment wasn't exactly what I was looking for, but close enough. I hope other stores carry appropriate cards, maybe just my location didn't carry a good selection. I'll be ending over to the card shop in a few days, hoping I can find a card that fits the situation.
Monday, November 22, 2010
For the last 4 Christmases, I have decorated a small Christmas tree in Sara's memory. I mailed cards to close family and friends, asking for an ornament that represents Sara's spirit. We received various angels, hearts, butterflies, even a snowflake (because snowflakes last only a moment, but touch your soul forever).
Saturday night, we brought down the tree and ornaments. I let Ethan help me with the less fragile ones. I explained that this was for our angel Sara. I showed him an ornament with her name on it. I showed him how to spell her name S-A-R-A, Sara. He started singing, "Sara, Sara, Sara." I started to cry. DH was very touched hearing Ethan singing her name.
I told him that Sara is his big sister, but he's too young to understand. But I'm glad to be laying the foundation for him to understand as he gets older.
Saturday night, we brought down the tree and ornaments. I let Ethan help me with the less fragile ones. I explained that this was for our angel Sara. I showed him an ornament with her name on it. I showed him how to spell her name S-A-R-A, Sara. He started singing, "Sara, Sara, Sara." I started to cry. DH was very touched hearing Ethan singing her name.
I told him that Sara is his big sister, but he's too young to understand. But I'm glad to be laying the foundation for him to understand as he gets older.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
October Babies Rock!!
About 6 months after losing Sara, (Feb. 2007 I believe) an former co-worker contacted me. Her sister had just lost her son around 24-25 weeks. The family was devastated. I gave her a list of books that had been recommended to me as well as the information for the support groups that I was attending. I've kept in touch with them, checking in with how they were doing. On Oct.11 (Ethan's birthday also), their daughter was born!
Soon after we moved to our current house(April or May 2008), I learned of a couple who lost their daughter, she was stillborn at full-term. My friend B & I didn't know her, but we had contacts, friends of friends. She was living about 2 hours away, but her mother still lived in my area. When she was visiting her family one time, B & I went out to dinner with her. We've stayed in touch with her and she & her husband recently moved back. Their son was born Oct 13!
I am so excited for both of these families. October babies are very special!
Soon after we moved to our current house(April or May 2008), I learned of a couple who lost their daughter, she was stillborn at full-term. My friend B & I didn't know her, but we had contacts, friends of friends. She was living about 2 hours away, but her mother still lived in my area. When she was visiting her family one time, B & I went out to dinner with her. We've stayed in touch with her and she & her husband recently moved back. Their son was born Oct 13!
I am so excited for both of these families. October babies are very special!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Bad Day Gone Good
The weather has been beautiful here lately, so I went for a walk at lunch. Afterwards I microwaved a cup of soup and went to the restroom while it was heating up. When I came back, the soup had tipped over and spilled in the microwave. I cleaned it up and decided to go out and grab some fast food. I got in my car and it wouldn't start. (I'm hoping it's just a dead battery.) I walked over to the snack bar on campus to get some food. I left a message for DH to come check out the situation before the end of the work day.
While walking back to my office, I wonder why these bad things happened to me. Was it because I refused to take the Jehovah's Witness's literature at the gas station yesterday? Then I realized, the soup spilling was a minor inconvenience and at least I found out about the car trouble early enough and it's at a safe place.
Soon after I got back to my desk and started eating, a co-worker told me that a student needed my help. I see maybe one student a week. (I usually talk to them on the phone.) She had a question about her transcript. So I asked her to come back to my desk to check it out. Her name? Sarah Elizabeth.
My Sara is looking out for me. She helps me keep things in perspective.
While walking back to my office, I wonder why these bad things happened to me. Was it because I refused to take the Jehovah's Witness's literature at the gas station yesterday? Then I realized, the soup spilling was a minor inconvenience and at least I found out about the car trouble early enough and it's at a safe place.
Soon after I got back to my desk and started eating, a co-worker told me that a student needed my help. I see maybe one student a week. (I usually talk to them on the phone.) She had a question about her transcript. So I asked her to come back to my desk to check it out. Her name? Sarah Elizabeth.
My Sara is looking out for me. She helps me keep things in perspective.
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