Thanksgiving Recap

We got a sneak peek of the Christmas card that DH's grandparents designed in memory of Sara. On the cover was a Christmas ornament made out of blue paper that had been embossed (I think that's the word) so there was a raised pattern. In the center of that was an angel. The angle was from the back, like you're looking over her shoulder - the wings were there and then the side of her face.

Inside the sentiment was along the lines of,"As the Baby Jesus inspired Christmas, let the children in your life inspired your Christmas. In Memory of Sara Elizabeth." I'll be sure to scan it in when we receive ours in the mail.

We spent Thanksgiving Day with DH's family. We have 2 nieces & a nephew from this side of the family. The oldest girl is your typical teenager, spent most of the day texting her friends. But the 2 youngest (10 y.o. & 6 y.o.) are greedy, disrespectful brats. They fought with each other & their parents, cheated at games, and are simply horrible to be around. I won't go into all the family history & drama. But it makes me sad that these hateful, mean children continue to be mean and hateful - primarily because their parents do a crappy job of parenting. And our Sara, who we planned for and we discussed parenting before we ever got pregnant, is gone.

Today we had a nice Thanksgiving with my family. Nothing that stands out, but sometimes that's what makes it special - just a day with family, enjoying each other's company & good food.

Sunshine & Rain

One of our local weathermen has a stupid gimmick. When he gives the next day's weather forecast, he rates the day, gives it a number. "Tomorrow's going to be a 7 folks." It annoys me, a stupid arbitrary number that HE assigns. A 7 vs. a 9 may be the difference of a few degrees, a slight chance of rain. I keep saying I'm going to email him and his TV station to complain, but I haven't yet. Not all days can be Chamber of Commerce days, beautiful, sunny, 85 degrees days. We need both rain and sunshine to grow plants and vegetation. It will get cold during the winter. It's simple science.

A few days ago my friend Lori wrote that rain reminds her of her son Logan because it was a rainy day when she lost him. That made me think of needing rain & sunshine ,literally & figuratively, in our lives to appreciate the other.

And so I leave you with a little Joy & Pain

Ex.act Re.plica

If you haven't read this book yet, you should. It's a beautiful memoir of a stillbirth and a SPAL. Although we have our own stories, the events that led up to the loss of our babies, there are other details that we can all relate to.

I don't want to give away any of the details, but I laughed at an absurd story she shared, a misunderstanding. It reminded me of an absurd misunderstanding I had in the hospital. Our nurse shared a story of another couple, their baby wasn't expected to live but a few hours. The father said out loud, "Grass! I want my baby to experience grass." My first though was "Why would you want your dying baby to smoke grass? But I guess it would numb the parents' pain." The nurse continued, the father ran outside and picked some grass from the hospital lawn. (Oh yeah, lawn/grass, that would be more appropriate.)

I cried a lot too. Ms. McCracken wrote about wanting to know the names of all the babies who have died, to tell their parents "It happened to me too." so they would feel normal and to remember their babies. I know this feeling too well.

It's a quick read, I stayed up too late reading it, but I finished it over a weekend.

At arm's length

My friend M called me last week to wish me a happy belated birthday. great.

When I saw her name pop up in the caller ID, I thought twice about answering. I talked to her back in March, played phone tag for a few weeks over the summer, I was busy at the moment, but I decided to talk. Yes she has said some thoughtless things over the past 2 years but we've been friends for so many years, I don't want to let that ruin our friendship. But when she wished me a happy belated birthday, my attitude changed, I didn't want to have a friendly chat with her. She seriously doesn't get how losing Sara has changed me - especially since I lost Sara on my birthday. She could have just said that she was thinking of me, that we haven't talked in a while, she didn't have to bring up birthdays at all, she was already 3 weeks late with that.

M. had told me back in March that she was pregnant with her second child, not very far along at the time. She told me last week that she's having a C-section the day after HER birthday. Now I really didn't want to talk to her. I don't even know if she's having a girl or a boy. Yes, part of this is due to jealousy - I can not enjoy a pregnancy, I don't want to talk about hers either.

I wish I could sit down and tell her how her thoughtless words have hurt me, but knowing how little free time she has had for me over the past few year, I know we won't be having that conversation any time soon. Don't get me wrong, I think she has been a good friend in the past, but she is horrible at time management and has different priorities than me. She works full-time & travels a lot and often puts her job before her husband & son (as I see it). There have been several times over the past few years (before I was ever even pregnant with Sara)that she would flake on me when we had made plans to meet for coffee or brunch, usually for work things that popped up.

So I feel myself putting distance between us.

More Butterflies

Well one more. I went to one of my favorite local gift shops a few days ago. They have 10+ Christmas tree decorated, each with a different theme. One of the trees has these glass ornaments which I've never been a fan of, I find some of them a bit garish. But as I walked by this tree, this butterfly caught my eye. (The yellow & blue one there.) I couldn't resist, I bought it. When I got home, I was putting it away with other ornaments & I happened to read the tag. "The butterfly is a symbol of immortality. Since it evolves from egg to caterpillar to chrysalis, and then emerges as a butterfly from it's cocoon, it represents the soul and the cycle of rebirth. A pair of butterflies signifies marital happiness."

And just so you don't think Ethan is ignored around here this is an ornament I bought for him.