Greeting cards

Yesterday I wrote notes in 3 cards - 1 for Monica, her DH & Critter, 1 for my friend B. & her DH on the upcoming birth date of their daughter that they lost & 1 to put in a care package for a couple that will have a loss at our hospital eventually. (I don't know this couple & the loss hasn't occurred yet, DH & I decided to leave a care package for the inevitable.) I feel like this is our role in life now - celebrating a birth after a loss, remembering a loss at special times & lending support when another loss occurs.
I've also received a few greeting cards in the past few days. Sara & I share our birthday. It is HER day now, I can't "celebrate". Maybe once Peanut is born... 2 of our aunts sent birthday cards to me - both were sweet & to the point - "We're thinking of you at this time." I would be pissed if anyone sent a card with clowns & monkeys in costumes. The same aunts sent separate cards remembering Sara. I was so touched, just a simple gesture, but it means so much that people remember our Sara.

So now I'll be sending more greeting cards - thanking them for remembering Sara. (I think I'm keeping the Postal Service in business.)

10 more days until Peanut's born. (Today's half over & the 11th is his day)

Observation

Why do birth control & feminine product ads still act like having your period is a curse? Like you're a leper? Like you have to hide at home or wear shapeless baggy clothes? I get that periods suck. I used to get horrible cramps - so bad, I would vomit. Obviously I stayed home those days. But for the most part, I didn't change my plans because of my period. There's an ad currently for some birth control that will shorten your period. One of the girls comments "So I could be at the beach now?" Is she afraid that her super absorbent tampon is going to suck up the ocean? Yes, you can go to the beach while on your period. You can wear a swimsuit! (I wouldn't advise with a maxi-pad, but that's up to you.) As long as there are bathroom facilties near by, what's the big deal?

Acts of Bravery

Yesterday, not only did I remove the tags from Peanut's homecoming outfit, but I washed it too! How's that for bravery?? I also packed my bag.

Next week is going to be hard - DH & I will spend October 2 remembering & honoring our daughter Sara Elizabeth. I'm trying to approach each situation with a positive attitude - we CAN do this. We've already been through the worst - we lost Sara. We plan to go back to our hospital to drop off a care package for the nurses to pass along when there is another loss - just a journal, grief book & a disposable camera & a note from us. Our friends Monica & her DH will be at the same hospital, they're being induced on 10/1. I want to visit them & meet Critter. I hope I can. I hope Critter's birth can bring some happiness at such a sad time.

Misc.

I usually don't like to use the term Miscellaneous - too broad - but this is just random things that happened lately that I wanted to share.

Sunday while in my hometown, DH & I had lunch with our friend B. & her husband. Although they saw many people they knew, I didn't recognize anyone. Last year at this time, I wouldn't have thought to suggest getting together for lunch w/B., we knew each other, but weren't exactly friends. Now we're bound together by our shared losses. B. gave me a Will.ow Tre.e figurine - "Cherish", it's perfect, a pregnant woman rubbing her belly. I cherish both of my pregnancies. I put it on a shelf near our bed.

This morning I was putting away a new bag of cat food. It's a 7 lb. bag - roughly what Peanut weighs. I suggested to DH that he tied the bag to his stomach for the day to get a better understanding of what I was feeling. Of course the cat food wouldn't kick him in the ribs or dance on his bladder.

I'm reading an interesting book, well interesting to me - "The Profess.or & The Mad.man " Back in the1850, the Ox.ford Eng.lish Diction.ary was started. Many people contributed quotes to further explain definitions. One man Dr. Minor made contributions for 20 years. The editor, Prof. Murray, continued to ask him to meet in person. Turns out, Dr. Minor was a criminal lunatic at an asylum! It also made me think about the idea of putting together a dictionary. Now with computers & the internet, we can easily gather & store information, edit changes. But when dictionaries were first considered, spellings differed from region to region, definitions even varied. OK I'll just start rambling soon, so I'll quit.

Sara's Tree

Over the weekend DH & I went to my parents' house to visit Sara's Tree. Friday night I made cupcakes - strawberry (pink of course) w/ vanilla icing. I started crying while making them, this wasn't how I imagined preparing for my daughter's birthday.
Saturday we stopped by the store for flowers & balloons. DH dropped me off while he filled up the gas tank. I went to the floral area & asked for 8 pink balloons (8 people would be at her tree.) The lady asked if they were for a shower. Silly me, I was wearing pink, obviously pregnant & asking for pink balloons. I just said No. She said that they have pink balloons with "it's a girl" printed on them. I just shook my head. She dropped it then. I picked out 3 bunches of pink roses in various shades. DH walked in just as I was paying for everything, perfect timing.

When we got to my parents' house, DH went to prune Sara's tree. He found a tiny tree frog hiding in the leaves. He tied a pink bow around the trunk & placed the roses in bucket at the base. At sunset, we went back out to her tree - DH & me, my parents, my younger sister, her husband & their 2 sons. When my 4 y.o. nephew saw the balloons, he asked what they were for. I told him that we were remembering our Angel. I tried to be careful to not upset him. My sister said that occasionally he will talk about "the baby that died." But being so close to Peanut's due date, I didn't want to scare him.

We wrote messages on the balloons & talked about her/to her - saying how we loved her, thought about her, missed her. I was touched that my brother-in-law was the first to speak up. We released the balloons & they all floated up together. We watched until they were just little specks in the sky. After dinner, we ate the cupcakes.

Currently Sara's Tree is fenced in to protect it from the cows (yes, I'm a country girl), but my father said that he plans to change the fenceline so the tree will be accessible. We also plan to buy a small marker with Sara's name & birthdate on it & a bench to place under the tree. I think my parents are pleased to have Sara's Tree there, she doesn't have a gravesite, but this gives our family a place to go to remember & honor her. We hope that this will become a family tradition, a time for our family to remember our baby girl.

As hard as it was, I felt very peaceful. I love you Miss Sara!

Update to Petty Vents

My older sister T. just called, she mentioned coming to visit after Peanut's born - that's fine. She said that she knew we'd have plenty of help the first few days - with the grandparents & other friends in town. She specifically mentioned my friend Michelle. A few months after losing Sara, I found out that T. was emailing Michelle to check in on me. That hurt. My own sister can't call or email me to ask how I am. We're not very close, but we have a good relationship. But the other side of that is that Michelle isn't the most reliable resource. We've been friends for a long time - since jr. high. But she has her own life - her family, job, etc...She spent a few hours with DH & me at our house a few days after we lost Sara. But we've also tried to get together numerous times & she usually has to bail at the last minute. I understand she's busy - I don't fault her for that - but if my sister wants to know how I'm doing, it might help if the person she's asking has talked to me or seen me. I can recall 3 times that Michelle & I have gotten together in the past 11 months - other than the night she came over. None of them were just us, one on one time, usually there was another activity going on.

Also I didn't tell T. that DH & I plan to visit my parents this weekend to honor Sara. (My younger sister J.knows & will be there, she lives down the street from my parents.) T. asked if we were still planning to visit our parents at the end of September, I said no, that we weren't comfortable traveling so close to the due date. I don't think she would understand if I told her that I didn't want her daughter around me this weekend, although J's sons will be.

To the Monicas - thank you for your comments. I have to do what feels right for me & DH at this time - even if other people get their feelings hurt. That hurt doesn't compare with the hurt of losing Sara.

Petty vents with some good news

Earlier today I sent an email to 2 colleagues, referring a client to them, I'm not taking on any new clients at this time. 1 colleague I've met for lunch a few times over the past few months, the other I haven't talked to since March/early April. She was pregnant, had a baby in June, but I had heard that she returned to work. She replied back thanking me for the referral, hoped everything was going well in my pregnancy & that her baby was now 3 months old. Well whoop-de-do. I don't wish harm to her or her baby, but really I don't want to hear about her perfect life.

We had an OB appt today - everything's looking good. I'm 1.5 cm dilated at 34 weeks, 5 days!!

DH & I had planted a tree in Sara's memory last year at my parents' house. We had hoped that we could visit her tree near her birthday, looks like it'll have to be this weekend. I feel so petty & selfish saying this - I don't want my niece to be there. My niece lives about 2 hours from my parents, but spends weekends w/them when possible. My sister brought my niece to our house a few days after we lost Sara. My niece was 8 at the time. The only thing I remember her saying during that visit was "Can we play Scattergories?" She knew that Sara died, but she didn't understand the impact. I was annoyed that my sister brought her along, it was a school day - couldn't her jerk of a father drop her off/pick her up one day during a family emergency?? I don't want this time to become about my niece - wanting attention, being a brat about meals, this is Sara's time. I had to tell my mother that I didn't want my niece there, thankfully she understood & luckily my niece had visited last weekend.

24 more days!

24 more days until we induce! 2 dozen days! I could buy a 24 pack of root beer & have one a day, counting down the days until we go to the hospital.
4 more grocery-shopping trips. 3 more gas tank fill-ups.
3 more ultrasounds/OB appts.

During that time, we'll also honor Sara - 15 more days until her birthday. I'll always love you & miss you Sweet Girl.

What a bittersweet time...

Made With Aloha!

According to the King's Hawaiian bread website (and I always confirm my factual data on food websites), "Aloha stands for much more than just "hello" or "goodbye" or "love." Its literal meaning is the joyful (oha) sharing(alo) of life energy (ha) in the present (alo). The Aloha Spirit, then, is an all-encompassing attitude toward life: positive, loving, spiritual, respectful."

Our son was conceived in Hawaii. I don't say that to brag. To me it feels like it was destiny. DH & I hadn't talked about going to Hawaii, actually we considered a small trip to Georgia in the spring. Long story short, we were offered the use of a beautiful house on the beach on the Big Island in January. Of course, we couldn't turn it down. The friend who offered the house - I met after losing Sara - such generosity! Hawaii is such a beautiful, healing place. I felt like my soul was recharged there. I have a picture of me & DH while in Hawaii - we have smiles on our faces, real smiles.

I feel like Sara played a role in our wonderful vacation, that she was giving us her blessing for a sibling. I can't wait to go back to Hawaii, it will always be a special place for us.

Aloha!

Bound By Angels

I was looking through my email address book - I have emails of 17 women who have lost babies - 17!! And I have met all of these women in real life. The majority are from our 2 support groups, 2 I had met previously - 1 is the sister of a former co-worker, another I had met through networking.

Then there's B. (If you're reading, Hi B!) I've known B since she was a baby. I'm 10 years older than her, but now it's like we're the same age. We grew up in a small town, attending the same church - she still attends, I try to go when visiting my parents. (Just going to church has been hard this last year - surrounded by babies, especially at Christmas & Easter.) Our families have attended this church for decades. B lost her daughter 4 days after we lost Sara. B's husband & my mother worked together until a few weeks ago - he changed jobs.
I saw B about 6 weeks before we lost our daughters - at my nephew's baptism - she & her husband are friends of my younger sister & her husband. We were both happily pregnant & chatted for a few minutes about our babies. Now we call & email ech other often. B is pregnant again - 17 weeks along.

Before losing Sara, I don't recall knowing anyone who lost a baby during their pregnancy other than my aunt who lost a son 35+ years ago. Now I know 17 - plus others that I met at group, but didn't exchange emails with. I'm glad I have met all of these women, they have helped me & DH during this difficult journey, hopefully we provided some support to them as well. This is a horrible club to belong to, but the members are some of the most amazing people I know!

Damn you Paul.a De.en!

DH & I often watch Paul.a De.en on Saturday mornings. I always get cravings after watching her. Today she made chocolate eclairs - stuffed with chocolate filling too, not vanilla. I considered adding the ingredients to my grocery list or just picking up some eclairs at the bakery. I do not need eclairs! As evil as her recipes are (anyone catch the deep fried ma.c & che.ese a few weeks ago??), I think there is a special place in heaven for Paul.a De.en!

DH rented a power washer this morning - making the house pretty for visitors in a few weeks - just the exterior, driveway, sidewalk. My house will never be so filthy that a power washer is needed to clean the floors, countertops, etc...I'm heading over to my cousin's later to check on their dogs while they're gone & swim for a bit.

Differences

I'm 34 weeks today - one more month! I can't believe how quickly this pregnancy has gone by. In some ways, this pregnancy has been very similar to Sara's - not much morning sickness - with Sara, I has started taking my prenatal vitamins in the morning, that made me sick, so I quickly changed to taking them before bed. With this pregnancy, Peanut doesn't like coffee, some mornings just the sight of coffee on a commercial made me gag. I was tired in the 1st & 3rd trimesters with both pregnancies - as to be expected.
But the differences! I've gained more weight with Peanut than with Sara. I hadn't lost all of the weight from my first pregnancy when I got pregnant again, so I'm at the heaviest I've ever been. I don't let that bother me - as long I can bring home a healthy baby, I don't care how big I get. But Peanut is big too! He approximately weighs 6 lb, 3 oz, Sara weighed 5 lb, 4.8 oz when she was delivered. Of course my mental state is different. I'm so excited to be pregnant again & so very close to having Peanut soon. But my innocence is gone. I know that all babies don't live and sometimes it's hard to imagine the future with a baby. But then I have moments of excitement, I'll buy clothes for Peanut, knowing that he'll get to wear them.
One of the biggest differences though is the placenta. With Sara, the placenta was in the front, it dulled her movements. I could feel her move & often DH could too. But comparing the two, OMG it's so different. I feel Peanut moving so much more, I can pick up on weaker movements from him, as he's warming up for his dance routines. He performs several times a day, in addition to general re-arranging. I put a small bowl on my belly while he's wiggling & it moves, my whole belly rolls. Sometimes it tickles. It gives me reassurance when I can feel him move so much. I wish Sara's placenta were in the back, then her kicks & wiggles could have been stronger too. Perhaps I would have noticed more of a change in her movements. I know the placenta didn't affect her, but I wonder if our story would be different if it were in the back.

Peanut Update

Yesterday we had an ultrasound scheduled for 3:30. By 4:20 we still hadn't been called back. I checked with the receptionist, she said that they were backed up b/c Dr. D. had a compliation with one of the ultrasound. Of course I couldn't ask what that meant, but I had to remember unfortunately this may be the worst day of another couple's life & to have patience. Within a few minutes, we were taken back. Peanut had been wiggling around all day, so I wasn't worried about him. We saw the heartbeat - that makes me so happy each time. Because he was moving so much, the tech wasn't able to get any good pictures of him, she was able to take measurements - just no new cute faces to see.
They estimate that Peanut weighs 6 lb., 3 oz.!! I'm only 33 weeks 4 days. We're inducing at 38 weeks - how big will Peanut get??

Stupid Surveys

I hate those stupid surveys that friends send out - the mass emails or MySpace bulletins. There's always a couple of questions that I don't want to answer. The previous replies were funny or serious but something everyone could relate to. How do you answer that the thing you miss the most is your daughter right after answering that your favorite mixed drink is a dirty martini?? Should I play along and say that I miss McDonald's McRib Sandwich? ( I don't, but that's the crap people want to see to get a chuckle.)
The most recent survey I got included some of the following questions, I'll answer here for you:
Your Fears? That something will happen to Peanut.
One of your Wish List Items? To hear Peanut cry.
Your Life? Is blessed in many ways, but there will always be a place for Sara.
Your Mood? Excited & Anxious
Missing? My daughter Sara Elizabeth everyday
What are you thinking about right now? Sara & Peanut
Last time you cried? As I write this.

Maybe people will quit sending them to me if I either ignore them or answer them brutally honestly.

Whoop!

Peanut is a Te.xas Agg.ie fan! I watched the game during the 3 overtimes yesterday - he was going crazy -rolling around, kicking me in the ribs. In 19 years I'll probably catch him on ES.PN with his face painted or maybe he'll be a yell leader. DH would prefer him to be on the field. I don't know his feelings towards the Soo.ners or Long.horns - I didn't expose him to such things.

Pot pies & cookies

Funny that, so far, my post that has received the most replies is about pot pies. I love to bake. I considered perfecting a cookie recipe & then eventually entering a baking contest. For a while once a week, I'd make a huge batch of cookies, keep some at home, send the rest to work with DH for his co-workers to taste-test. I got back a few responses critiquing my cookies - usually positive. It was a good way to past an afternoon - shopping for ingredients, baking, cleaning up, then sharing cookies & milk with DH. Maybe I'll whip up another batch before Peanut's born - Peanut Butter of course.

Who's in control here?

I've been preparing for Peanut's birth, I want things taken care of, the pantry stocked. I made a huge pot of potato soup last week, froze 3 bags of that. Will attempt a chicken pot pie soon. Will go to Co.stco in the next few days for paper goods, other bulk items we can use. Need to buy a new printer cartridge so I can print out Peanut's birth announcements. Need cat treats for Brody who has become whinier in the past few weeks - it's like he knows he will be demoted soon. I want bills to be paid. Yeah, I consider myself organized. I know when Peanut's born that trait will go out the window. I'm OK with that. I'll give up some control over our household. Anything for Peanut.

Eviction Notice

I got confirmation today from my dr.'s office - we'll be inducing on Oct. 11!! Peanut will be evicted!

For the past few months, I've been crocheting a baby blanket for Peanut. I will never claim to be a expert at crocheting. I basically make scarves. I figured that I could make several scarves & then stitch them together. It looks bad. The scarves weren't the same length, so I decided to rip out some of the knots to make them the same length. That was taking longer than I expected, so I simply cut off the excess & stitched all of the raw edges. 3 sides of the blanket look good, but the 4th is frayed & ugly. I pick at it, hoping to get rid of the loose pieces. I hope Peanut likes it though, it's so soft. I promise Peanut, I'm a better baker than crocheter.

Passage of Time

I lost Sara 11 months ago - 11 damn months! Where has time gone? 11 months ago I was afraid of what my world would become. Those first few days, weeks I cried so much, would I ever be able to function normally again? DH & I returned to work a few weeks after losing Sara - full-time for him, part-time for me. That helped - just getting out of the house.

11 Months - I couldn't even consider what my future held 11 months ago, now I'm just weeks away from delivering our son. Life goes on.It's funny how one event can feel like it was so long ago & just yesterday at the same time.
I'll always remember Sara - that's the important thing to me - to have our families & friends remember our first daughter - 11 months later, 3 years later, 15 years later.
I love you Sweet Sara!

Not What I Expected

I chose this title for my blog because after re-reading through my journal - I realized Iused that phrase often - Christmas 2006 was not what I expected, New Year's was not what I expected, every day after my daughter was delivered was not what I expected.

I often lurk, sometimes post on a local message board. Some of the women know my story, I go there to vent, but most can't relate. They have a weekly pregnancy check-in along with a question of the week relating to the pregnancy. This week's question: What will be the biggest change for you once the baby arrives? I can't answer there. All the other women with their innocent answers - change in sleep patterns & schedules seem to be the biggest concern. My biggest change - actually having a baby at home after being pregnant for nearly 18 months.
I sleep too much as it is, I'll gladly survive on caffeine & sugar highs, if that what it takes.

New Here

I've been following friends' blogs lately & decided to go ahead & start one. I lost my daughter Sara October 2, 2006 & have been writing in my journal to her ever since. I figured I could use feedback from others who have been in my shoes.

We lost Sara suddenly to an umbilical cord accident. Labor start that day, I called DH to come home, called my dr's office - they asked me to come in first so they could see how far along I was. We were taken to an exam room, like any other dr. appt. Then our world came crashing down.

The nurse listened for Sara's heartbeat, she had trouble, so she asked another nurse to check, she couldn't find it either. I started screaming "No!" We were taken up for an ultrasound where it was confirmed - our beautiful daughter was gone.

Fast forward to January 2007 - we had decided to start trying again to get pregnant. My periods weren't quite normal but we had also heard stories from other couples in our support groups who had trouble getting pregnant after their loss & I was already 33, so we decided to go for it.
The next month, we got positive results on our pregnancy test. So I am expecting our son Peanut(his name's a secret until he's born.), due roughly 9 days after his big sister's birthday - which also happens to be mine.